MARVEL ANN That’s not true. You’re just riddled with greatness. I look in your eyes and honestly, I see dollar signs.
STAR CAT You don’t understand. I’m rejecting those false values. I refuse to worship the golden calf.
MARVEL ANN (Petulant but still pleasant) You don’t know what you want. I think it’s a horrid shame that you’re throwing away a great future as a psychiatrist. All your wonderful compassion going to waste. (Star Cat tries to interject) Oh, I know what you’re going to say, “I just want a little shack by the water.” Well, you can’t expect me to live like that. Imagine me serving my friends Steak Diane Flambé in a lean-to. (Star Cat tries to interject) Don’t say a word, I know what you’re thinking, “Marvel Ann is such a lovely person, in time she’d grow used to such a life.” (With growing emotion and intensity) Well, I’d be humiliated. Oh, I can read you like the funny papers. (With growing fury) You think I’m so head over heels in love with you, I’ll accept whatever crumbs you have to offer. Well, no siree Bob, I am hardly a desperate female. Ohhh, look at that awful expression in your eyes. I bet you think you don’t even have to marry me, that I’d shack up with you like a common whore. Now you’ve really done it. I am livid. How could you think of such filth! You are a selfish, egocentric creep and my advice to you is to straighten up, buckle down and apply yourself like any other decent, normal Presbyterian!! (She stalks off in a fury)
Chicklet enters.
STAR CAT (Angrily) Hey, what are you doing here?
CHICKLET I didn’t know you owned this beach. I don’t see your initials carved into the ocean.
STAR CAT Sorry. I didn’t mean to bark at you.
CHICKLET (Sympathetically) Girl trouble?
STAR CAT Yeah, that dame wants to put a ball and chain around my neck.
CHICKLET Well, don’t you dare let her. I think it’s swell the way you guys live.
STAR CAT You do?
CHICKLET Sure. Flying about as free as a gull, never having a care in the world.
STAR CAT You’re on my beam. Marvel Ann doesn’t understand me at all. She thinks she can see through me like wax paper but she’s wrong. I’m an extremely complex person with deep rooted neuroses and anxieties. You wouldn’t understand that, you’re just a kid.
CHICKLET (Offended) I am not just a kid. I’m capable of intensely passionate adult feelings. If you didn’t have so much sea foam in your eyes, you’d notice I’m a budding young woman.
STAR CAT (Amused) Honey, your buds have a long way to bloom.
CHICKLET Evidently some people don’t share that opinion.
STAR CAT Like who?
CHICKLET Oh, some people.
STAR CAT Like nobody.
CHICKLET Like Kanaka. He thinks I’m, how did he put it? I’m a luscious voluptuary.
STAR CAT Liar. I know Kanaka. He could have any dame in Malibu.
CHICKLET Well, he wants me.
STAR CAT How do you know?
CHICKLET It’s one of those mystical things a woman feels instinctively in her soul.
STAR CAT Get over it.
CHICKLET (Defensively) He taught me how to surf, didn’t he? And he tries to see me every day and he always makes sure we’re completely alone. As a matter of fact, I’m headed over to Kanaka’s shack right now, for an extremely intimate tête-a-tête.
STAR CAT I don’t believe it.
CHICKLET Chacon á son gout. That means, each to his own, you dope. He thinks I’m special.
STAR CAT I think you’re trying to make me jealous. What a screwy kid you are. I bet you’ve got a great big fat crush on me.
CHICKLET (Blushing) If we were at war with the Soviet Union, I wouldn’t even let you into my bomb shelter.
STAR CAT Hey c’mon, let’s call it a truce. I like you, kid. I do. And I think you’re very special.
CHICKLET Please don’t patronize me.
STAR CAT (Turns her around and holds her chin) You are special.
CHICKLET (Vulnerable) I am?
STAR CAT And cute.
CHICKLET I am?
STAR CAT You need somebody to protect you.
CHICKLET Protect me from what?
STAR CAT (Friendly) Oh, from big bad wolves. You could be a tasty morsel, to some wolf.
CHICKLET What about to you?
STAR CAT I suppose I could be dangerously tempted.
CHICKLET Oh, Star Cat.
Star Cat opens his mouth to sing. We hear an obviously dubbed recording of a teen idol singing the “Chicklet Theme Song.” Suddenly, the record gets stuck, and we hear the needle scratch across the record. There is an uncomfortable silence.
STAR CAT I guess I’ll have to tell you how I feel. You’re a one of a kind girl, Chicklet, like no one I’ve ever met.
CHICKLET What about Marvel Ann? Is she one of a kind too?
STAR CAT (Smiles, embarrassed) Well . . .
CHICKLET Star Cat, what do boys do when they’re alone with a girl?
STAR CAT You can’t ask me such a question.
CHICKLET Why not? I want to know.
STAR CAT They neck. I don’t know.
CHICKLET What do you do with Marvel Ann?
STAR CAT This is embarrassing, Chicklet.
CHICKLET Tell me.
Romantic music sneaks in through the end of the scene.
STAR CAT She nestles real close to me.
CHICKLET (Cuddles next to him) Kind of like this?
STAR CAT (Horny and nervous) Yeah, sort of like that. I hold her in my arms. And she holds me back.
CHICKLET Like this? And then what do you do?
STAR CAT I kiss the back of her neck. I can’t do this with you.
CHICKLET Pretend I’m Marvel Ann. I need to know this sort of thing. For my own protection.
STAR CAT I stroke her arm and she kisses my chest. (Chicklet kisses his chest) And we can feel our hearts beating as one. We find ourselves swaying to the same personal rhythm.
CHICKLET You take your clothes off, right?
STAR CAT (Lost in the moment) Uh huh.
CHICKLET You got your clothes off. Then what?
STAR CAT I caress her smooth satiny flesh. It glistens in the moonlight. She gently touches my muscles with her fingertips. Our bodies seem to float to the ground. We’re entwined. And then I slowly slide my penis into her vagina. Simultaneously, she licks her index finger and inserts it up my rectum as I pump my penis . . .
During this last graphic part, Chicklet is horrified and at the end of his speech, she screams as if in a horror movie and runs away.
STAR CAT (Shouting after her) Chicklet, come back!
BLACKOUT
SCENE 7
Kanaka’s shack. Star Cat enters.
STAR CAT Kanaka, where are you? You home?
Kanaka enters
KANAKA Hey pal, what are you doing in my shack without an invite? I don’t dig surprise visits.
STAR CAT I’m looking for Chicklet.
KANAKA She’s not here, not yet.
STAR CAT But she will be.
KANAKA Yeah, and what’s it to you? She’s not your chick.
STAR CAT And she shouldn’t be yours either. She’s only a kid.
KANAKA That’s all you know.
STAR CAT If you’ve laid a finger on her . . .
KANAKA Hey, cool out. You don’t know the score. There is more to that Chicklet than meets the old eyeball. There’s like two Chicklets in one, man.
STAR CAT What are you talking about?
KANAKA It’s wild. She’s like twins in one bod. One’s an angel and the other’s a she devil. She calls herself Ann Bowman and she’s like a demon. And the weird thing is, I can turn her off and on like a flashlight.
STAR CAT You’re talking crazy.
KANAKA (Desperate) Can I trust you, buddy? Will you swear by the code of the King of the Sea you won’t tell anyone any of this?
STAR CAT Yeah, I swear.
KANAKA I got it heavy for Ann Bowman. She’s like a drug running through my veins and I
can’t shake her. I’m even gonna let her shave me, man.
STAR CAT You’re not making any sense.
KANAKA Nothing makes sense. But I need her. I need Mistress Ann.
STAR CAT Get a hold of yourself.
KANAKA She’s power mad. She’s plotting to take over the world. First Malibu and then Sacramento. She wants to set up concentration camps for her enemies and public executions and her own NBC variety series.
Chicklet enters unseen by them
STAR CAT If this is true, you’ve got to stop this!
KANAKA I can’t give her up. I’d kill for Ann Bowman.
CHICKLET Who’s Ann Bowman?
STAR CAT Stay out of this.
KANAKA Star Cat, I want you to meet a friend of mine. Hey, Chicklet, you remember that kite we saw, that . . .
STAR CAT You son of a ... (Star Cat tries to punch out Kanaka. They fight. Chicklet tries to get between them. Suddenly they all start to move in slow motion and we see Chicklet get in the way of Star Cat’s punch and slowly drift to the floor.) Chicklet, are you all right?
KANAKA Now you’ve done it, man. (They both hold her as she comes to)
CHICKLET What happened? Where am I?
KANAKA In my beach shack.
There’s wild knocking at the door
KANAKA The door’s open.
Mrs. Forrest enters in a furious state
MRS. FORREST Well, this is a pretty sight, I must say.
KANAKA Who the hell are you?
CHICKLET Mom, what are you doing here?
MRS. FORREST Young lady, you are in big trouble.
STAR CAT Mrs. Forrest, you don’t understand.
MRS. FORREST Indeed I do understand. I also know the penalty for seducing a minor. You and your buddy will be sitting in stir for quite a while.
CHICKLET Mother, would you stop. Kanaka and Star Cat are my friends. There was nothing dirty involved.
MRS. FORREST How dare you speak to me in that manner. I see now clearly the effect of a permissive childhood. All the gentle caring, the indulgences, the little treats. How wrong I was. Life will be quite different from now on. I am going to mete out a severe punishment for you, young lady, most severe indeed.
CHICKLET Mother.
MRS. FORREST Get in the car. (Chicklet exits. To the boys.) You two scum bags had better get yourselves a good mouthpiece, cause I’m gonna tear your peckers off in that courtroom. Good evening, gentlemen.
BLACKOUT
SCENE 8
Berdine is in her bedroom writing in her diary.
BERDINE Dear Diary: This entry is strictly confidential. Chicklet’s Mom is on the warpath. She locked the Chicklet in her room and has refused her all visitors, yours truly included. Panicsville, here I come. The luau is tomorrow night! Chicklet and I simply have to be there. We’ve been rehearsing our Siamese twin act all week. It’s gonna be the greatest thing ever. I swear, grownups think they can run the whole world. Like Nathan Hale or Lafayette Escadrille, there is only one person who refuses to bow down before tyranny, I Berdine! I’m marching over to Chicklet’s right now and get her out of there. I defy you stars, nothing and I mean nothing is going to stop us from going to the luau.
BLACKOUT
Chicklet’s bedroom. Chicklet is bound and gagged. A T.V. tray with dinner is placed before her. Mrs. Forrest enters with creepy serenity.
MRS. FORREST What a dinner. I’m so stuffed I can hardly move. I certainly enjoyed my T-bone steak, so bloody rare and juicy. (Thoughtfully) I may have overcooked the lima beans. Vegetables are delicate creatures. (With vulnerable charm) Still, I have to admit, it was delicious. (Still lovely) This meal could have been yours, Chicklet, if you hadn’t chosen to disobey me. Do you finally see what I mean about making the right choices in life? It’s a rough world, darling, with a lot of crummy people out there. You can’t be impressed with them. (With force) Believe me, they stink! (Back to her charming manner) I’m afraid I still see defiance in your eyes. You have so much to learn. (She touches the gag restraint. Jokes.) I bet you think I’ve taken this gag too far. (Laughs at her joke) That’s funny. (She gives the gag a tighter tug) I think we’ll keep this on a wee bit longer. (She exits)
(Berdine enters swinging in through the window on a rope made of bedsheets)
BERDINE Chicklet! What has she done to you? (She tries to untie her) You poor helpless thing. How did she do this? These must be army knots. Don’t be mad but I think our top priority should be your arms. I hope this experience won’t make you bitter and pessimistic. Just hold on. I’m not saying you should be a grinning idiot but as Schopenhauer says “we should strive for a tragic optimism.” (Chicklet grunts) It’s not easy, the greater the intelligence, the greater the capacity for suffering. (Chicklet grunts)
Mrs. Forrest enters unbeknownst to Berdine whose back is to her. Chicklet sees Mrs. Forrest and grunts trying to warn Berdine.)
BERDINE I can’t get it. We’ll have to get you out of here the way you are. Give a little hop. (Berdine turns around and sees Mrs. Forrest)
MRS. FORREST (Exuding charm) Hello Berdine. How kind of you to visit us. I’ve made a terrific bunt cake. Care for a slice?
BERDINE (Totally freaked) That’s okay. My Mom made butterscotch pudding for dessert. I’ve really got to get along.
MRS. FORREST Such a pity. I was hoping you’d watch “Bonanza” with us. Are you planning to take Chicklet with you?
BERDINE Uh yes, actually. We’ve been rehearsing . . . I mean we’ve been working on a science project together. Mendel’s theory of propagation and all that stuff.
MRS. FORREST I’m afraid Mendel will have to propagate without the help of my Chicklet. She’s been a naughty girl and naughtiness must be punished. Chicklet lied to me and more importantly she lied to herself. Berdine, you must be brutally honest with yourself, cruelly honest. Rip away the cobwebs of delusion. Dig and find the ugliness at the base of your soul, expose it to the light, examine it, let it wither, then kill it!!! Girl, know thyself! (Trying to control her emotions) It’s the only way.
BERDINE (Caught up in the debate and forgetting Chicklet) Mrs. Forrest, I fervently disagree. (Chicklet grunts desperately) One must seek self knowledge but illusion is necessary to preserve a sense of innocence.
MRS. FORREST (Pulls Chicklet to her) None are innocent, all are guilty.
BERDINE (Realizes Mrs. Forrest isn’t on her wave-length) Mrs. Forrest, you’re a fascinating conversationalist but I’ve really got to get Chicklet out of here.
MRS. FORREST (Forcefully) Chicklet is grounded!
BERDINE Get out of my way, Mrs. Forrest. I am rescuing Chicklet. You are not responsible for your actions.
MRS. FORREST You take one more step and you’ll be a nerd with no teeth.
BERDINE To save Chicklet, I would gladly wear a complete bridge. (Berdine moves and Mrs. Forrest grabs her. They wrestle to the ground and fight it out. Finally Berdine gets the upper hand and sits on Mrs. Forrest’s chest, pinning her down.) Chicklet, run for it!
MRS. FORREST (Gasping) Get off me! You big cow. (Chicklet with her feet bound slowly hops offstage while Berdine talks to Mrs. Forrest)
BERDINE (Ties Mrs. Forrest up with bedsheets) I’m really sorry, Mrs. Forrest, for being so disrespectful. This is highly uncharacteristic behavior for me but you know, lately I’ve been cramming myself with Sartrean existentialism so maybe I’m unduly influenced by his commitment to extreme action. Gosh, this is deep.
BLACKOUT
SCENE 9
The luau. Lights up and Provoloney, Yo Yo, Kanaka, Bettina, Nicky and Dee Dee are all having a wild time. Star Cat enters.
STAR CAT Marvel Ann, Marvel Ann! Has anybody seen Marvel Ann?
EVERYONE No!
NICKY Hey cats, let’s Limbo!
They do a big limbo number and hoot it up. At the height of the festivities Marvel Ann enters, her hair half shaved off. Bettina is the first to see her and screams.
MARVEL ANN (Hysterical) My hair! My hair! I’m gonna kill the ba
stard who did this.
STAR CAT Marvel Ann, what happened?
MARVEL ANN I was lying on the beach with my eyes closed. Someone knocked me out, I woke up and the bastard was shaving my head. They’d already shaved my beaver.
PROVOLONEY Couldn’t you see who it was?
MARVEL ANN No, they had glued stripper’s pasties over my eyes. I’m so humiliated.
KANAKA (In terror to Star Cat) Ann Bowman strikes again.
BETTINA Honey, in a few months you’ll have a cute pixie.
Marvel Ann groans. Provoloney jumps up trying to get everyone’s attention.
PROVOLONEY Quiet, everybody. QUIET! (Everyone settles down to watch the show) Good evening and welcome to Provoloney’s Pacific Follies. How is everybody out there? Ready for a great show? Let me hear you.
NICKY Boo! Get on with the show. (Everyone joins in booing)
PROVOLONEY I love these audiences, the greatest in the world. I tell you, coming over here tonight I couldn’t help but be reminded of the story of the Stewardess in from Cleveland. She arrives at . . .
NICKY We heard that already. Bring on the girls. (Everyone joins in)
PROVOLONEY Rough house. Okay, you want entertainment, I’ll give you entertainment with a capital E. There’s nothing I like better than discovering young talent. And I . . .
NICKY Where did they discover you? Under a rock? Get on with it.
PROVOLONEY (Getting mad) What I’m doing is laying the foundation for the evening at . . .
NICKY You’re laying an egg. (Everyone laughs).
PROVOLONEY I’ve gotten big laughs from tougher crowds than you.
NICKY Before or after you dropped your pants? (Everyone laughs)
PROVOLONEY (Furious) That does it! I don’t have to take this. Do your own stinkin’ show. (Star Cat jumps up and soothes Provoloney’s ego)
STAR CAT Aw, c’mon, he’s just joshing you. You’re doing great. Go on. Guys, give him some support. (They applaud)
PROVOLONEY Well, if you insist. Without further ado (He gives Nicky a dirty look) please give a warm hand to a sister act that ends all sister acts. Straight from exotic Siam, the spectacular, the inseparable, Hester and Esther. Take it away girls.
Chicklet and Berdine enter in a wild red siamese twin costume joined at the hip
CHICKLET My name is Esther.
BERDINE My name is Hester.
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 8
