The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays

by Charles Busch

  GERTRUDE (Picks up the gun on the sofa and points it at him.) Put down that phone.

  BARON I certainly will not.

  GERTRUDE Put it down, I say.

  BARON Give me the gun. You do not have the courage to fire it.

  GERTRUDE Oh, don’t I? (Defiant music comes in.) What a joy it will be to kill you. Yes, joy. But first I shall torture you as you have tortured thousands. You thought I loved you. I never loved you. I pitied you because you were a pathetic, mother-fixated fool. Imagine my happiness when I execute you and escape with my lover. Yes, my handsome, young lover. You, who hounded an innocent actress nearly to her death. You, who cruelly humiliated a pair of young lovers. You, who murdered my friend. The Lord God in Heaven may forgive you but I never shall. Now die, your excellency, die.

  BARON Gertie, perhaps I was a trifle brusque.

  She pushes him up the stairs.

  BARON (Pathetically yellow.) You are a great artist, artists should be above such nonsense as politics. Gertie, don’t shoot. I beg of you. I don’t wanna die. I’ll do anything. I’ll make any phone call. I have money. You want cash? How much, take it, a hundred marks? Don’t, Gertie, don’t. Mother! Mother! Don’t shoot.

  She impassively shoots him twice, then once more as an afterthought. The music fades out.

  GERTRUDE (With bitter irony.) And to think, before you, once trembled all of Schauffehausen.

  ERIK (Runs in from the library.) Gertie, are you all right? What happened?

  GERTRUDE (Terribly shaken.) I killed him. I killed him.

  ERIK We must get Mother out. The car will be here any minute.

  GERTRUDE What about the Baroness and the Doktor? Shan’t they hear us?

  ERIK Dr. Maximilian saw me climbing in through the window. We thrashed it out and I’ve got him tied-up in the basement.

  GERTRUDE And the Baroness . . . ?

  ERIK (Lights a cigarette at the mantle.) She heard us fighting and came after me with a shovel. I belted her in the stomach, got her in a half-Nelson, and wrestled her to the ground. Then I grabbed her by the hair and dragged her across the room and slammed her against an old chifferobe. When she was knocked out cold, I tied her to the Doktor. They’ll keep for awhile. Professor Mittelhoffer!

  The Professor comes in from the front door. Erik puts out the cigarette.

  PROFESSOR I heard shooting. Was Heidi here? (Sees the bodies.) Ach du lieber.

  GERTRUDE They brought her in and tortured her. You’d have been proud. They couldn’t break her spirit. Karel saved her and got her out of the house. He’s on our side now.

  PROFESSOR She is a smart girl, she knows to meet us outside the servants’ entrance at midnight. It’s almost time.

  ERIK Let’s go get Mother.

  Raina enters from the upstairs right room, walking slowly. She is wearing a fur coat and looks radiant.)

  ERIK Mother, you’re walking. (He starts for her.)

  RAINA (With great courage.) Don’t help me. I must walk to freedom on my own two legs!

  They embrace on the stairs.

  PROFESSOR Oh dear, with Karel along, we don’t have enough letters of transit. What should we do?

  GERTRUDE Then you must take mine. (Gets her purse from sofa.)

  ERIK We couldn’t. You’d never get out.

  GERTRUDE I’d find a way. I always do.

  ERIK (Crossing to the mantle.) We’re close to the Swiss border. We could possibly make it by foot.

  GERTRUDE But you, you have a letter of transit.

  ERIK It means nothing without you. I’ll take my chance with you in the mountains.

  PROFESSOR It’s midnight. I think I hear the car.

  RAINA Bless you, Gertrude. You have given me back my life, my son and my art. “Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds . . .”

  PROFESSOR Come, Raina, the plane leaves promptly in ten minutes.

  GERTRUDE Here is your letter of transit, Madame Aldric, and you can’t greet your public without this. (Gives her a lipstick.)

  RAINA A lipstick, and such a lovely color. (Puts it on, kisses Gertrude’s hands.) Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  Gertrude gives her the handbag.

  ERIK Mother, I’ll meet you across the border.

  They kiss.

  ERIK Professor, good luck.

  Raina and the Professor exit.

  GERTRUDE Darling, there’s still time. You should have gone with them. I’ll never forgive myself if you . . .

  ERIK Shhhh.

  They listen to the outside. We hear the car drive off.

  ERIK They’re on their way.

  GERTRUDE What do we do now? How do we find Switzerland?

  ERIK We have very simple directions. I’ll show you.

  He takes her hands and leads her to the open door. They look out.)

  ERIK We just follow that brightest star. Are you game?

  GERTRUDE I love an adventure.

  ERIK Let’s go.

  FADE TO BLACK

  Lush, romantic music redolent of courageous adventure comes in and eventually underscores the following voice over.

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 3

  In the blackout, we hear . . .

  VOICE OVER Flash. Flash. Dateline Bavaria. Famed U.S. piano virtuoso, Gertrude Garnet, is missing and feared dead after aiding the escape of German stage actress, Raina Aldric, from a Nazi prison. Miss Aldric and companions have landed safely in Zurich but fear Nazi retaliation against Miss Garnet and against Miss Aldric’s son, Erik Maxwell. Stay tuned for further reports.

  The large screen from Scene 1 is across the stage. Lights come up on the Right side of the screen detailing a mountain landscape. On grooves carved into the screen, two small figurines representing Gertrude and Erik are seen skiing down the mountain. The effect should be that of a movie ‘long shot.” This is accompanied by thrilling, adventure music. The lights fade down and rise on the Left side of the stage where Gertrude and Erik are seen in person skiing on a small slope. Snow is falling on them and loud gunshots are heard in rapid succession.

  GERTRUDE (Skiing.) Faster, darling, faster!

  ERIK Where’d you learn to ski?

  GERTRUDE San Moritz, Vail and Aspen. They’re shooting at us!

  ERIK Don’t look back! When we get back to the states, will you marry me?

  GERTRUDE Of course, darling. I think I’d make a divine professor’s wife. And when I go on tour during summer vacation, will you join me?

  ERIK I’ll carry all the luggage.

  GERTRUDE Then you’ve got yourself a deal. Are we almost there?

  ERIK I can’t tell in this darkness.

  A shot rings out and hits Erik in the back. He falls to the ground. Gertrude stops skiing and joins him on the ground. The music and snow fade out.

  GERTRUDE Erik! Erik!

  ERIK Keep going!

  GERTRUDE I will not. You’re hurt. Hold onto me!

  ERIK (Through his pain.) No, go ahead. I’ll catch up with you.

  GERTRUDE (With great emotion.) Darling, if this is the way it ends, so be it. During these past few days, you’ve taught me more than most people learn in a lifetime.

  ERIK (Fading away.) I can hardly see your face.

  GERTRUDE (Desperately.) Hold onto me, darling. (With great determination.) No one’s going to harm you.

  The end seems to be near. Wistful, quietly sad music is heard.

  GERTRUDE Erik, what a fool I’ve been. All these years I’ve been obsessed with myself and called it a philosophy. (Very simply and with great restraint.) This is what matters. This is real. Fighting for something I believe in. Loving someone. Why must we always come to our senses when it’s too late? (She pauses and realizes there is silence.) Listen, the shooting has stopped. Do you hear?

  Erik lifts himself up to a somewhat seated position. He’s going to live. The music becomes hopeful.

  ERIK Yes, the night is suddenly peaceful.

  GERTRUDE (Pointing to the sky.) Look, darling, the brightest star. It’s direc
tly over our heads. We must have crossed the border! (Elated.) We’re free, darling, we’re free! (Eyes full of tears, she’s the embodiment of bravery as she cradles Erik in her arms Her voice rises in emotional rhythm and cadence.) And soon that bright star will shine above all of Europe, and the whole world will glow in radiance, brighter and stronger than we’ve ever, ever known!

  The music builds triumphant as the lights fade out on Gertrude and Erik’s upturned, enraptured faces. Above them, we see the snow-capped mountains and the title “The End” appears as if through the clouds.)

  FADE TO BLACK

  RED SCARE ON SUNSET

  Charles Busch as 1950s star Mary Dale in Red Scare on Sunset. Photo Credit: T. L. Boston.

  THE CAST

  Red Scare on Sunset was originally produced by Theatre-in-Limbo (Manny Kladitis, Drew Dennett, Shaun Huttar) on April 24, 1991, at the WPA Theatre (Kyle Renick, Artistic Director). Directed by Kenneth Elliott, with set design by B.T. Whitehill; costumes, Debra Tennenbaum; lighting, Vivien Leone; and sound, Aural Fixation, it was performed with the following cast, in order of appearance:

  THE CHARACTERS

  Ralph Barnes

  Jerry

  Pat Pilford

  Frank Taggart

  Mary Dale

  Malcolm

  Marta Towers

  Salesgirl

  Mitchell Drake

  Bertram Barker

  R. G. Benson

  Granny Lou

  Old Lady

  Place:

  Hollywood, California

  Time:

  1951

  RED SCARE ON SUNSET

  PROLOGUE

  Setting: The stage where The Pat Pilford Radio Show is broadcast. An “on the air” sign hangs above. The year is 1951, the place: Los Angeles.

  At Rise: JERRY, a technician enters SR with a cigarette in his mouth, carrying a mike stand and a script folded in his jacket pocket. He sets mike DSC, exits SR and returns with doorslam unit and sets it SL. He adjusts mike.

  RALPH BARNES enters. Ralph is an actor playing the folksy Uncle Sven on the radio show and is wearing a fake moustache and porkpie hat.

  RALPH (Looking over his script.) Hey there, Jerry.

  JERRY Afternoon, Mr. Barnes.

  RALPH Have you read this script?

  JERRY Nah, I never read ‘em.

  RALPH Smart fella. You know they pay people to write this stuff?

  DIRECTOR (V.O.) Ralph, please. The studio audience.

  RALPH Just kidding, folks, Just kidding.

  DIRECTOR (V.O.) Has anyone seen Pat?

  RALPH Can’t say that I’ve had the pleasure.

  DIRECTOR (V.O.) It’s thirty seconds to air.

  JERRY I’ll check her dressing room. (Exits SR.)

  RALPH Would you like me to read her part? (No response.) There goes my big chance.

  JERRY (Reentering SR.) She’s coming.

  DIRECTOR (V.O.) Fifteen seconds. Where is our star?

  PAT PILFORD enters SR. She’s an attractive blonde in her thirties the quintessential movie wisecracking, loyal sidekick, a clown who can’t resist a doubletake or a pratfall. She’s also a fierce right wing red baiter. Pat is both unlovable but impossible to dislike. She enters wearing an outrageous hat covered with fruit.)

  PAT I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! You try running in this corset. (To the audience.) Believe it or not, I have a terrible weight problem. I always have to be on a diet. My old boyfriend, Herman, gave me a present. It didn’t fit. And it was a Buick.

  DIRECTOR Five, four, three, two . . .

  ANNOUNCER (V.O.) The Veedol Motor Oil Program with Pat Pilford . . .

  Applause/Music.

  ANNOUNCER . . . makers of Veedol Motor Oil, found wherever fine cars travel, present Miss Show Business, Pat Pilford. With Ralph Barnes, Emmaline Crane, Jimmy Stall and special guest stars Tony Martin, Dagmar, Slapsy Maxie Rosenbloom, Les Paul and Mary Ford. Yours truly Bill Simmons and Victor Arnold and his chiffon orchestra. (Music Tag.) . . . And now your fabulous femme-cee, Pat Pilford.

  PAT Hello sweeties. Boy oh boy, do we have a show for you. I get so excited. I can’t help it. I suppose I’ve always been stage struck. I’m the type of gal that when I open the refrigerator and the light goes on, I do twenty minutes. Now I simply must tell you . . .

  Jerry slams door.

  RALPH (Using a comical Swedish accent.) Patty dear, may I speak to you for just a minute?

  PAT Oh Uncle Sven, (Applause.) I’m about to start my show. Is something the matter?

  RALPH I apologize. How would you like to go with me Saturday night to the Swedish folk dance marathon? What suspense? Can Olaf and Hildy dance the Glog and Shpickle for forty-eight hours?

  PAT I’m afraid I’ll have to pass. Hold onto your chair. I’ve got a date Saturday night.

  RALPH Oh yumpin’ yimminy. I’m as yolly as a yune bug dancing a yoyful yig. Is this a serious romance?

  PAT Sure is. His first glimpse of me was at the Beverly Hills Hotel when I was lying by the pool. I was being real seductive. He was desperate to meet me. I heard him whisper to his pal “get her.”

  RALPH Now darlin’, be careful. Sometimes I just worry about your choice in men.

  PAT Oh, you’re thinking about Herman. He wasn’t what you call “husband material.” He was addicted to horse racing. When I took him to church, I had to keep telling him “It’s Hallelujah, not Hialeah.”

  RALPH I apologize for interfering, but I just have your best interests . . .

  PAT (Putting down her script.) I have to stop here.

  RALPH (Still acting.) I just have your best interests at heart . . .

  PAT I said stop. I cannot continue this show.

  RALPH (Retaining his accent.) Patty, dear, is there something I can do?

  PAT Yes, you can can the accent. You’re not Uncle Sven. Fortunately you are no relation to me at all. You’re Ralph Barnes, an actor, and as of now, an unemployed actor.

  RALPH (Dropping the accent.) I don’t understand.

  PAT Then I shall make myself clear. You’re fired. I will not perform another minute with anyone whose politics jeopardize . . .

  RALPH Pat, I’d be very careful choosing my next few words if I were you.

  PAT How are these words? I’m giving you the pink slip, bub.

  RALPH I can’t believe this is happening. Pat, we are on the air.

  PAT I don’t care if we’re in the air, I will not continue until you leave this studio. I’m waiting.

  RALPH (Mortified.) I will. I will leave. I can’t believe this. This is unbelievable. (He exits SR bewildered.)

  PAT My dear audience. I apologize for what must seem to you cruel and unprofessional behavior. Sometimes in life, drastic measures must be taken. A long time ago, I devoted my life to bringing you, the American public, wholesome, clean entertainment for the entire family and I will be darned if I’ll let some cynical, agitating New York actor come between me and that pledge. Now I say this to you, not as Pat Pilford, funny lady but as a concerned citizen and long-time friend, the time has come for all of us to clean house.

  BLACKOUT

  ACT ONE

  SCENE 1

  The beach house of movie stars Mary Dale and Frank Taggart. There is a chair SR and a small settee SL with a coffee table in between. On either side of the stage are platforms that can be used as table surfaces.

  Late afternoon, tea time. Pat Pilford is seated with FRANK, a handsome and intense man in his mid-thirties.

  FRANK I’m surprised to see you. That was some havoc you created on your show this afternoon. The whole town must be talking about it.

  PAT You should have seen the press buzzing around. It was like they had Mexican jumping beans in their jockstraps. All I did was fire an actor.

  FRANK On the air and nearly denouncing him as a communist.

  PAT And I should have but I could see my producer was about to have a coronary. I’m sorry. I just hate phoniness. Anyway, Frank, what’s done is don
e, no looking back, tomorrow’s another day.

  FRANK But this is serious. You’ve destroyed a man’s career.

  PAT You dramatic actors get so histrionic. He can always get a job with the Moscow Art Theatre. Look, I don’t want to talk about it. C’est la vie. Frank, I am very impressed with this house. It is just too, too, too, too, toooo . . . I’m so glad Mary wouldn’t let me see it till it was finished.

  FRANK Well, it’s not my taste but you know Mary. She always wanted a real movie star beach house in Santa Monica.

  PAT Mary has such style. Did Billy Haines help her with the decor?

  FRANK Natch. Can I fix you a drink? Pat, you’re a Rob Roy girl if I recall.

  PAT A shot of hootch would be tempting but I better say nix. I’m Mary’s guest for tea and that girl’s a walking breath test.

  FRANK If it’s all right with you, I’ll fix myself one. (He goes to a small liquor tray SL and makes himself a drink.)

  PAT Starting rather early these days, aren’t you Frank?

  FRANK These are tough days.

  PAT They sure are, boy, they sure are. Everything’s topsy turvy. Hollywood ain’t the boom town it once was. Not the way it was when I landed here in ‘35. It’s the big T, television. Every actor in town is looking at his bank book and sweating. I applaud your confidence in building this dream house. I don’t want to be rude but I’ve seen the numbers on your last few pictures. My little nephew has crayon drawings that have been more widely seen.

  FRANK I appreciate that, Pat. I could have told the studio those films would flop. The public is sick of that same romantic crap the studios have been feeding them for years.

  PAT That’s right. You’re from the old Give-the-folks-a-message-and-ram-it-down-their-throats school of entertainment. Well, not me, brother, I like to leave ‘em laughing. That’s what the name Pat Pilford stands for. That’s my message and here’s how I send it. (She makes a wild comic face.)

  FRANK I imagine you weren’t laughing when you lost the SAG election last month.

  PAT No Frank, I wasn’t. In fact, I wept and not for me, Frank. I wept for the union. To think that I could lose the Presidency of the Screen Actors Guild. Oh, and I bet I didn’t have your vote.

  FRANK I’m sorry Pat. I just didn’t think you were experienced enough for the position.