The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays

by Charles Busch

  BALDRIC (Sneering.) The people! What do the people know?

  ARNOLPH The peasants are cowlike in their ignorance. They shall be taxed heavily and their gold will fill our coffers.

  LEOFRIC (To the men.) I cannot in good faith be a part of this treason.

  ARNOLPH Be a man. Grow some hair on thy fertile orbs.

  MARY (Joining the scene.) Frank, don’t listen to them!

  LEOFRIC I can’t fight ‘em, Godiva. I can’t fight ‘em.

  MARY I’m not Lady Godiva. That’s a role that I play. I’m Mary Dale Taggart. No, that’s not me. I’m Mary Dale. No, that’s my stage name. I’m Mary Louise Hofstetter.

  PRUDWEN She babbles. Leofric, tis your destiny to be king and I to be your queen. (She caresses and kisses him. Mary is shocked.)

  FRANK (Trying to fight her off.) But I love Godiva.

  They continue to kiss.

  MARY (In horror.) I’ve got to get out of here.

  (Malcolm enters SL as THOMAS, a monk.)

  THOMAS Shall I hear your confession, Lady Godiva?

  MARY Yes, this is my confession. I’m not Lady Godiva. I’m a movie star and a homemaker. And I can prove it. I have a parking place on the MGM lot.

  All laugh.

  ARNOLPH And where do we find this mythical spot?

  MARY It’s called Culver City.

  BALDRIC She’s mad.

  MARY Listen you, I want to send a telegram, I mean a carrier pigeon to Dore Schary. He’s the head of the studio. That’s Dore Schary. S-C-H-A-R-Y. Get it?

  PRUDWEN She’s as mad as the poor Thane of Cawdor’s late wife, Irma.

  BALDRIC It’s the age old story. Man becomes king, wife goes nutso.

  ARNOLPH Reminds one of the tragedy of poor Lady Olivia de Havilland in the 20th Century Fox feature “The Snake Pit.”

  All laugh. Smoke.

  MARY I am not mad (To herself.) Now what was that last rewrite? (To Frank. In classical Shakespearean tones.) Shrive me sir, slubber not this calamitous venture. Tho I may be but a croff and woosel, enfranchised to a clog, suckled with a posset. I possess by Circe’s cup, a wisdom not to be dismissed like some cankered malt horse drudge. This murrian flock that serves your ancestral crest must not be tossed twixt and tween your humors and conceits. They trudge from Aurora’s harbinger to the collied spheres’ shadow. Nay! Swinge me soundly for I must clagger thee as would Judas’ daughter. My heart cleaved with the blind bow boy’s butt shaft and enscrolled with a Tyrian throstle!

  Pages enter to strike banners.

  ARNOLPH She speaks as a traitor! Send her to the tower for execution!

  BALDRIC Her head must be stricken from her body!

  THOMAS Heretic!

  PRUDWEN Put her on the rack!

  FRANK No! Please! Don’t!

  ARNOLPH Seize her!

  All exit but Mary. Pages strike banners.

  MARY (Sobbing.) Pat, where are you when I need you so desperately. Pat!

  Pat enters SL door. She is dressed as a court jester, except for fishnet stockings and spike heels.

  PAT Darling I can’t chat, I’m so late. I was emceeing a bearbaiting down the road. I went over well. I invented the first hemorrhoid joke.

  MARY Listen to me, Pat.

  PAT Sorry, darling. I can’t help you. I gotta run! I suggest you hie thee hither! There’s a warrant out for your head. I’m coming! Goodbye Sweetie. (Kiss. She exits SL door.)

  MARY There’s no escape! I must throw myself into the moat! Farewell, my beloved. (She exits SR.)

  The ghost of Mary’s GRANNY LOU enters SR door, Granny Lou is a simple farm woman, gentle but firm, holding a dish towel.)

  GRANNY LOU Mary-Godiva, don’t you go near that water. You come over here . . . That’s right, child, it’s me, Granny Lou. You’re looking at my hair. Honey, it’s not hair dye. The minute you get up here, your hair goes back to it’s old color. Pretty isn’t it. Dear (She sits on settee.) I wish I could invite you inside but I can’t. It’s not your time yet. I’m afraid I’ve gotta keep you on the other side of this screen door. There’s a whole slew of us watching over you. Maudie, Aunt Olive. We sure do love you. But honey, we’re a bit disappointed, seeing you giving up like that. We know you’ve got that Hofstetter gumption in you. Now use it, honey. Save yourself and save your husband. He’s not a bad man, just so very scared. Save him, darlin’. One little person can make a difference, you know. But sometimes you gotta do something—oh do something kind of crazy to make people stand up and take notice, You’ll know what it is honey. We don’t need to tell you. My dear one. You shall prevail. You shall prevail. (Granny Lou exits.)

  Pages enter, strike settee. Thomas enters.)

  THOMAS Look out the window! The Lady Godiva is riding naked through the streets of Coventry! All the peasants are covering their eyes. None will gaze upon her nakedness. Oh, my eyes. My eyes. They burn with pain. Oh, the agony. I can’t see. I’ve gone blind! Blind! History shall know me as Peeping Tom. (He exits.)

  From behind a scrim we see Godiva (Mary) riding naked upon her steed as offstage voices cheer. Fade to black.)

  GRANNY LOU (Voiceover.) One person can make a difference. But sometimes you gotta do something crazy to make people stand up and take notice. You shall prevail. You shall prevail . . .

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 4

  The hospital.

  Mary is lying in a hospital bed, unconscious, Frank by her side, worried. On the SL level lies a Bible.

  MARY (Murmuring.) You shall prevail. You shall prevail.

  FRANK Come back to me, Mary. Please don’t die. Mary opens her eyes.

  FRANK Mary? Mary?

  MARY Am I naked?

  FRANK No, my darling. You’re alive. You’ve come back.

  MARY Am I in a hospital? Have I gone mad?

  FRANK You tried to kill yourself and it was all my fault.

  MARY Yes, you tried to murder me. That was no dream.

  FRANK There’s so much to explain.

  MARY Tell me now. The truth.

  FRANK The communist party found out I’d accidentally killed my childhood friend. They threatened to expose me unless I . . . Unless I murdered you. It was as if they hypnotized me. I should have killed myself.

  MARY No, Frank, that’s the cowards way out.

  FRANK I can never atone for what I did to you. Mary, you’ll never see me again.

  MARY No, Frank, that’s not the answer either. I want to save our marriage.

  FRANK You would do that?

  MARY There’s good inside you. I’d be willing to nurture it if you are.

  FRANK I’ve given up drinking. Last night, I poured all the booze down the sink.

  MARY Last time you told me you prayed. That was a falsehood. This time, I must ask you to pray before me. Hand me that Bible, Frank. (He gives her Bible.) Kneel. Kiss the Bible.

  FRANK Lord, please help me.

  MARY Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

  PAT (Enters SL door.) Mary, you’re yourself again.

  FRANK (To Mary.) My beautiful one.

  PAT Mary, the last time I saw you at the radio station. It was so hideous.

  FRANK Tell the truth, Pat. Tell us why you’re suddenly spouting the party line.

  PAT I can’t. You mustn’t ask me that.

  MARY Then I want you to leave.

  PAT (Horrified.) Mary . . .

  MARY I want you out of here. This is my party line. No communists are welcome in this room.

  PAT (Crying.) Please don’t throw me out. I’m so alone.

  MARY I mean it Pat. I’m not afraid anymore. (Listens to herself.) “I’m not afraid.” “I’m not afraid.” (With great strength.) I’m not afraid.

  PAT (In awe.) Mary, what’s come over you?

  MARY I never believed that dreams could change one but mine has. While I was in the coma, I journeyed to another world and what I saw there has given me new hope. (With great int
ensity.) For the last time I demand to know, are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?!

  PAT (Breaks down.) NO, no, no, no, no. I hate the communists. I’d like to see them all exterminated. It’s Mitchell Drake . . . He’s blackmailing me.

  FRANK What’s he got on you?

  PAT Years ago in New York, I was very much in love with the son of a bitch. Love. Whoever thought love could be a dirty word. I was obsessed with him. I was no longer a woman of achievement, but a thing. I abandoned all sense of decency. I was in his thrall. Always that penis staring at me, taunting me! Mocking me! One night he got me drunk and took photos of me performing some of the most repugnant acts a woman could do.

  MARY (With genuine interest.) For instance?

  PAT To even tell you would be to insult you. Now he intends to distribute them nationally unless I remain a commie tool.

  MARY Then we must find the negatives.

  PAT (Vulnerably.) We?

  MARY Friend, we’re in this together.

  PAT (Sobbing.) Oh Mary, it’s been so awful.

  MARY They must be tucked away somewhere in the bowels of the Yetta Felson Studio. Girl, we must go there tonight.

  FRANK You mustn’t. It’s too dangerous. Don’t forget Mary that they want you murdered. They tried to get me to do it, the monsters.

  PAT What?

  FRANK They think Mary knows too much.

  MARY I overheard their plot to destroy the Freed Unit.

  PAT Over my dead body.

  FRANK I’ll get those negatives for you.

  MALCOLM (Enters SL door furtively.) Please, may I come in?

  MARY Malcolm, where’ve you been? I was out of my mind with worry. You left with my fine washables still in the sink.

  MALCOLM I’ve been many places but they follow me everywhere.

  MARY Who Malcolm?

  MALCOLM The party. I thought I could break away but they were right. There’s no dark corner to hide in.

  MARY Stop this Malcolm and tell us everything.

  MALCOLM No, Mrs Taggart, you were the only one who was ever nice to me in this whole stinkin’ town.

  PAT How did it all go wrong?

  MALCOLM I came here from Secaucus, New Jersey, an idealistic young cosmetologist with a dream. Hungry to change the world and invent a new form of hair weave. The party promised to fight for tolerance for my people and supply me with human hair. It was all a sham.

  FRANK You’re young. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.

  MALCOLM I gave that up the day I walked into that building on Sunset. I just wanted to say goodbye. (Slightly mad.) This is a lovely hospital room, so high above the ground. The fifth floor, isn’t it? I guess I finally made it to the top.

  FRANK Malcolm, what are you thinking of?

  MALCOLM The end, Frank, the end.

  Malcolm runs off SR. We hear him jump out the window. The glass breaking, the body crashing to the pavement, passersby screaming below.)

  PAT (Covering her face.) Horrible! Horrible!

  MARY Dear sweet Malcolm.

  FRANK Poor little guy.

  MARY (With great compassion.) I suppose in a way it was the only end for Malcolm. He lived with such sorrow all his life, existing in that bizarre lonely netherworld of half-men.

  FRANK (Sensitively.) Perhaps then it is best this way.

  MARY But not for you Frank or for you Pat. I won’t let them destroy you. I’ll die fighting. Lady Godiva defied her world and succeeded. And dammit, so will I!

  BLACKOUT

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 5

  That night. The office of the Yetta Felson Studio. Frank is revealed at desk rummaging through drawers. Marta enters SL door.

  MARTA Frank, what are you doing here?

  FRANK I wanted to leave a note for Barker. I was looking for a pencil.

  MARTA I don’t believe you. You’re indicating. The subtext is you’re searching for something that you believe is hidden in that desk.

  We hear a man screaming in agony.

  FRANK What’s that?

  MARTA Jeff Patterson’s working on a scene from “Life With Father.” You know you let us down. Yesterday, you were supposed to start scene study class and then kill your wife. You did neither. Not a good political move, darling,

  FRANK What if I told you I was sick and tired of political moves.

  MARTA All art is political.

  FRANK What if I told you Abbott and Costello are looking downright attractive.

  MARTA Frank, you’re still not giving us one hundred percent. You need a private session with Yetta Felson. Your ideology needs some serious reinforcing. Come along, junior.

  Marta and Frank exit SL door. Mary and Pat enter SR door from behind the curtain.

  MARY And to think I invited that creature into my home. Pat, you take the desk and I’ll take the file cabinet.

  They open drawers and look through them.

  PAT (Opens a file.) Hey look, Mary.

  Mary crosses to her.

  PAT Here’s a list of the student body. It’s certainly an impressive star roster and not an ounce of glamour in the lot of them.

  MARY Give it to me, dear. You never know when it might come in handy. (Puts roster in her purse and returns to file cabinet.) Pat, I think I may have stumbled onto something.

  PAT What is it, Mary?

  MARY A file marked “Project Pilford.” Do I dare open it?

  PAT Go ahead.

  MARY (Opens file and sees photos. Gasps.) Ah! Oh! Ah!

  PAT Remember I did a contortionist act in Vaudeville. Are the negatives in there?

  MARY Everything’s here. Now let’s amscray before the Ams-hay get back.

  MITCHELL (Enters.) Well, well, well, if it isn’t Nancy Drew and her friend, Kama Sutra. You girls interested in signing up for a course in the method?

  MARY I have my own method. “Learn your lines and don’t bump into the furniture.”

  MITCHELL Find what you were looking for?

  PAT Yes, we have. Negatives included. You can tell your writers they can go on permanent coffee break.

  MITCHELL (Laughs and takes out a sealed envelope from his pocket. While he talks he opens the letter with a letter opener from the desk.) So you found the nasty incriminating photos. You two ladies think you’ve got this problem all wrapped up. You got the dirty pictures. Well, what about the blue movie. I have in this envelope a document listing the contents of a Swiss safe deposit box including one sixteen millimeter pornographic home movie starring Pat Pilford.

  Mary looks at Pat in disbelief.

  PAT (At the end of her rope.) HE MADE ME!!! Damn you Mitchell. Damn you to hell!

  MITCHELL (Laughing.) You can’t win, Pat. You just never know where to draw the line. (Puts letter opener back on desk.) Mary, I’m very touched by your devotion to your naughty friend. I wonder how far you’d go to save her from exposure. I might be willing to forget about this list provided you two join me in a sexy partouze once a week at a hotel of my choice.

  Pat in her hysteria, grabs the letter opener from the desk and stabs Mitchell. He writhes in agony and falls down dead. Pat stands over him in dumb shock.

  MARY Thank you, Pat. He deserved to die. (Rushes to Pat’s side and holds her.) Darling, don’t you worry about a thing. We’re going to hire you the best shingle in town and you’re going to beat this rap. Remember, dear, I was a witness.

  Marta and Frank enter. Marta sees Mitchell’s dead body and screams. She rushes to the body.

  MARTA You idiots! You blithering idiots. You’ve murdered one of the theatres’ finest writers.

  MARY Now he belongs to the ages.

  FRANK (Joining Mary.) Mary, are you all right?

  MARY I’m fine, darling, but we must get Pat out of here.

  Barker enters, followed by R.G. Benson.

  BARKER Nobody’s movin’. (To Marta.) Is he dead?

  MARTA Yes, Mr. Barker.

  BARKER You three are in a heap o’ trouble. The l
ist of possible indictments boggles the mind. Taggart, you’ve been a thorn in my side from day one. I have goon squads to take care of the likes of you. Marta, call in Vladimir. It’s time to lance these carbuncles.

  R.G. For once I must contradict you, Mr. Barker.

  BARKER But out, windbag.

  R.G. Barker, this is one time you may want to listen. I realize you’ve dismissed me as simply one of your many artistic stooges, but I must inform you that I’m more than that (Lifts his jacket, revealing a badge) In fact, I’ve been placed here as an undercover agent by the FBI. How am I doin’, Mary?

  MARY Aces, R.G.

  PAT Mary, did you know R.G. was a government agent?

  MARY I figured it out just this morning. I knew in my heart that a great woman’s director couldn’t be red.

  BARKER I commend you on your performance, Benson. Highly professional. Yes, you had me quite fooled. I toast you. Well, well, well.

  Barker makes an awkward dash to the exit. Frank tries to block him. Barker grabs him and pushes him aside.

  BARKER Out of my way, cretin! (Barker dashes out.)

  FRANK He got away. Dammit, he got away.

  MARY Don’t you worry. Mr. Hoover’s men are surrounding the building. The Fatman won’t get far.

  FRANK How do you know there are men outside?

  R.G. Show them your badge, Mary. I appointed our girl an honorary G-man just a few hours ago.

  Mary pulls back her coat and flashes her badge.

  MARY My new favorite piece of jewelry.

  A severe-looking OLD LADY enters. She speaks in a vaguely European accent.

  THE OLD LADY Look at this office. I have never seen such a mess.

  MARY I should say so. You’re not much of a cleaning lady. This whole school should be fumigated.

  THE OLD LADY My dear, I am not the cleaning lady. I am Yetta Felson.

  MARY Well, Miss Felson, without even mentioning your communist activities, I think you’re doing American actors a dreadful disservice encouraging them to wallow in self-indulgence and disregarding every tenet of discipline and professionalism.

  YETTA First of all, my dear, I am not a communist. I am also an agent with the FBI. The United States government financed the Felson Studios as a front to ensnare communists in the film industry. Furthermore, I am sick of the Stanislavsky method. I’ve just signed to play the grandmother in the new Red Skelton picture.