LEE I had a little affair with Günter Grass.
MARJORIE No.
LEE Very brief but in my safe deposit box, I have some very tender love letters.
MARJORIE Did you ever meet Fassbinder?
LEE Oh, many times. Have you ever seen the film “The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant”?
MARJORIE Indeed.
LEE In the scene in the bar, I’m the weird chick who looks like she’s got a pinata stuck on her head.
MARJORIE My God. What a life you’ve led.
LEE Well, it’s easy in Germany. Never a dull moment. I’ll never forget the night the wall fell.
MARJORIE You were there?
LEE Such joy. I was with a group of students from the university. We screamed and shouted and kissed each other, grabbing with our fists great chunks of stone and mortar. By dawn, we were drenched in sweat and cheap champagne.
MARJORIE You certainly know where the action is.
LEE Never intentionally.
MARJORIE (Embarrassed to ask.) Did you, um, ever meet Diana?
LEE Oh yes. Lee Green, would you cool it? Marjorie’s gonna think you’re an obsessive name-dropper.
MARJORIE No, no, no. How’d you meet her?
LEE I met her several times. The most memorable was at a dinner party in London. Diana was seated to my left. She overheard my conversation with Henry Kissinger on the tragic situation of the land mines. She knew nothing about it and was quite fascinated. So I guess in my little way, I helped plant that seed.
MARJORIE Thank God you did.
LEE Now Marjorie, please take note that Lee’s life has not been one long ride on the Orient Express. There were also years when she lived in a tiny cold-water flat in the village.
MARJORIE That sounds romantic too.
LEE It wasn’t all “La Boheme.” That’s how I learned the fundamentals of cooking. I grew quite adept at whipping up a creative meal for two dollars. But we did have great fan in those days. Kerouac, Jimmy Baldwin, Andy.
MARJORIE Andy Warhol?
LEE He used to come over and we’d share a can of soup. He got such a kick out of the way I used to pile the empty Campbell soup cans on top of each other. I guess you could say, I planted a little seed.
BLACKOUT
ACT ONE
SCENE 3
A week later. Frieda is seated. Ira is trying to open her suppositories.
FRIEDA You’re not doing it right. You’re gonna smoosh the suppository.
IRA I have no nails. You know, I have a half dozen medical degrees. One would assume I’d have the complex “know-how” required to open one of these things.
FRIEDA Where’s Marjorie? Only she has the knack for this.
IRA I’ve got to get going. I’m being profiled on the radio. The show’s called “The Good Walk Among Us.” I can’t be late.
FRIEDA Ira, I need this suppository and I need it now. You’d think they’d make these things accessible for arthritic fingers. The indignities of old age. Believe me, it stinks. So where is my daughter?
IRA She went out early. She said she had a million things to do.
FRIEDA What does she have to do?
IRA I didn’t demand an itinerary. I’m just so relieved to see her out and about.
FRIEDA She’s out with that Lee. Lee. Lillian was her name. I’m so tired of hearing about Lee this, Lee that. The woman can do no wrong.
IRA Could you be just a little bit jealous?
FRIEDA No. Concerned, inquisitive, dubious. Marjorie’s a fragile creature, a water sprite. An easy target.
IRA But this Lee sounds like a great gal. Been everywhere, done everything. Marjorie says Lee gave Steven Spielberg the idea for “E.T.”
FRIEDA I remember her distinctly as a child. There was something funny about her.
IRA How so?
FRIEDA It’s hard to explain. But even at ten years old, she’d look down her nose at you and still kiss your ass. And the mother was strange. A British Jew. Queenie Greenblatt. Thought she was better than everyone else.
IRA I just wish we could meet the great mystery woman.
The front door unlocks and Marjorie enters, loaded down with packages. She looks like a completely different woman—vital, energetic.
MARJORIE What a day! I had such a full schedule and I got everything done. (kisses Ira) Darling. Hello, Mother. (She kisses Frieda on the forehead.)
IRA Whatcha been up to?
MARJORIE Besides buying you the most beautiful Missoni sweater you ever saw, I schlepped all over town until I finally found those leggings for Rochelle. I took a morning yoga class. And I attended at Japan House the most extraordinary seminar given by Kazuo Ohno, the father of modern Bhuto.
FRIEDA Bhuto? What’s Bhuto?
MARJORIE It’s a form of high performance art and dance developed in Japan as a reaction to the nuclear devastation. The man is amazing. Ninety years old. With one gesture, he can express a world of sorrow and complexity. His is the art of silent poetry.
FRIEDA It doesn’t sound for me.
MARJORIE No, Mother, it’s not for you.
FRIEDA Did Lee go with you?
MARJORIE No, she had other plans. Why do you ask?
FRIEDA You two have become as thick as thieves.
MARJORIE I have been seeing a lot of Lee. It’s so wonderful having a best friend. Did I tell you that she was in the studio when all those rock stars recorded “We Are The World”? She’s a close friend of Quincy Jones.
FRIEDA Who’s that?
MARJORIE A famous record producer. She met him through Martin Luther King during the March on Washington. (She exits into the bedroom with her packages.)
FRIEDA Have you ever heard such dreck? You gotta do something, Ira. I’m very worried.
IRA What am I supposed to do? Forbid her from seeing the woman?
FRIEDA Then I’m going to say something.
IRA Please, Frieda. Don’t start up.
FRIEDA What do you mean, start up?
IRA Marjorie is just emerging from a severe depression. Let her be happy.
FRIEDA All right. If you think that’s best. You’re the doctor. Marjorie enters again.
FRIEDA Marjorie, are you having a lesbian affair?
IRA Frieda!
MARJORIE Mother, must you poison everything?
FRIEDA I am your mother. I am very concerned about your relationship with Lillian Greenblatt.
MARJORIE I don’t know how to answer this. All right, you know what I’m going to say to you. Perhaps I am, perhaps I’m not. (She turns to Ira and mouths for his benefit, “No, I’m not.”)
FRIEDA Listen, I’ve been around, These things happen. A woman goes through the menopause. The marriage becomes very, uh, familiar. Forgive me, Ira.
MARJORIE Mother, would you please—
FRIEDA I’ve never told anyone this but many years ago—
MARJORIE I really don’t want to hear this.
FRIEDA You say we don’t communicate. Here, I’m trying to communicate. About ten years ago, my neighbor in Schwab House, Rivkie Dubow, put the moves on me.
IRA Rivkie Dubow was a lesbian? She had six grandchildren and wore a hair net.
FRIEDA No. She was not a lesbian. What I’m saying is late in life, she had been widowed for many years, she found herself uncontrollably attracted to me. We were baking hamantaschen in my kitchen. We were folding in the prune butter when she impulsively kissed me on the lips. Oh, she gave me a very difficult time.
MARJORIE Mother, I was joking. Trust me, I am not having an affair with Lee.
IRA I’ve never quite understood what she does for a living.
MARJORIE She’s a fund-raiser for some charity. I don’t know. What is this? An investigation? The House Un-American Activities Committee?
FRIEDA We are your family. We are concerned. Within one week, this person has invaded your life and refuses to meet any of us.
MARJORIE It’s been my choice. Ira, you have your students and your work. Mother, you hav
e your suppositories. I want something of my own.
IRA You have to understand that when you only hear about a person, they seem very mysterious.
FRIEDA We don’t want you to be living a life of illusion like Blanche DuBois.
MARJORIE Maybe this is a good time to bring this up. Lee and I were thinking of taking a trip together.
IRA Where would you go? On a cruise?
MARJORIE I’ve never been to Germany. We were thinking of taking a boat trip down the Rhine.
FRIEDA You’re joking. You’ve got to be kidding.
MARJORIE Not at all. You know how fascinated I am by German culture. I’ve studied the language. Why shouldn’t I go?
FRIEDA Have you ever heard of a little thing called the Holocaust? Your father’s entire family was wiped out in the gas chambers. I can’t believe you would set foot on German soil.
MARJORIE Most of the time I’ll be on a boat.
FRIEDA Your glib tone fails to amuse.
IRA I’m staying out of this. Listen for me at five-thirty on BAI. I only hope it’s not too worshipful. I’ll be home by seven the latest. (Kisses Marjorie.) Frieda, behave. (Kisses her and exits.)
FRIEDA It’s that Lee who’s put you up to this.
MARJORIE Put me up to what? To take a lovely relaxing trip to Europe?
FRIEDA To go to a country riddled with anti-Semitism, a people who, to this day, are unrepentant. Joan is right. You reject and ridicule your religion’s every principle and tradition.
MARJORIE That is not true.
FRIEDA Even as a child, you only wanted to fraternize with Gentiles. You were so impressed with Lillian’s mother, Queenie Greenblatt, because she’d tried to pass as goyim. Let me tell you, she was not your friend.
MARJORIE She couldn’t have been nicer to me. And thank God she was, since I got so little affection at home.
FRIEDA She didn’t even want you to play with her child. I had to make a big stink about it at your school.
MARJORIE Thank you for telling me that.
FRIEDA You live with rose-colored glasses on. You can’t go on being Blanche DuBois.
MARJORIE Enough with the Blanche Dubois! Mother, I am going to Germany. Oh yes. And you know something else? We’re gonna hop over to Austria and have tea with Kurt Waldheim.
FRIEDA (Risin g.) I’m going. You’ll do anything to strike back at me. I can hardly walk. I’m in such terrible discomfort.
MARJORIE What’s wrong?
FRIEDA (Bitterly.) I’ve got a stabbing pain in my rectum. You know, there’s a very strong possibility that I might have cancer of the colon.
MARJORIE (Not taken in.) Are you coming over for dinner? I’m making stuffed cabbages.
FRIEDA (Venomously.) I don’t want your food. You go to Germany, Marjorie. You go to Germany. And I hope you have pleasant dreams while you’re sleeping on mattresses filled with Jewish hair!
Frieda exits.
BLACKOUT
ACT ONE
SCENE 4
Several days later. Evening. Marjorie has invited Lee to dinner. However, the guest of honor is over an hour late. Ira puts on a CD of Ella Fitzgerald. He hovers over a tray of hors d’oeuvres on the coffee table. He starts to take one but then decides not to disturb the elaborate design of the plate. Marjorie enters.
MARJORIE (Very tense.) I don’t know what to do. She’s nearly two hours late.
IRA You can’t call her?
MARJORIE I don’t have a phone number. She keeps moving around from friend to friend. Should we be calling hospitals?
IRA No. It’s too early for that.
MARJORIE You’d think she’d call. The meat’s going to be as dry and tough as leather.
IRA And if she doesn’t come, it won’t be the end of the world.
MARJORIE If she doesn’t come?
IRA It’s a possibility. I was so looking forward to finally meeting her.
MARJORIE And she was looking forward to meeting you. I thought a quiet little dinner would be the perfect introduction. What time is it? (Checks the clock.) Well, I don’t know what to do.
IRA There’s nothing you can do.
The doorbell rings.
MARJORIE Oh, thank God.
Ira answers the door. It’s Frieda.
FRIEDA Have you sat down to dinner yet?
IRA No, we haven’t.
It’s clear that Marjorie and her mother haven’t spoken since we last saw them.
FRIEDA (Glancing around the room.) Where’s Lillian? In the bathroom?
IRA She’s not here yet.
FRIEDA (Checking her watch.) What time’s she supposed to be here?
IRA She’s late. (He raises his finger and mouths the word “Don’t.”)
FRIEDA Marjorie, I don’t like us not speaking.
MARJORIE I’m not angry with you, Mother. You’re the one who’s angry.
FRIEDA Well, I’m cooling down. Germany is a very emotional subject for me. You’ve certainly gone all out. This is beautiful. I just wanted to say that I’m okay. Are you okay? (Beat.) Okay, I’m leaving.
MARJORIE Mother, sit. Ira, you can stop circling the hors d’oeuvres like a vulture. Eat. You must be starving.
IRA (Helping himself.) I’ve had quite a day. I lectured at NYU. You know, I got a standing ovation. Afterwards, this student, a good-looking kid, came up to me. He said, “Dr. Taub, you are a spellbinder. You radiate a simple goodness that’s almost biblical.”
FRIEDA He’s put his finger on it.
MARJORIE I’m bringing out the bruschetta. (She goes to the kitchen and takes the bruschetta out and places it on the table.)
IRA This young man suggested that I compile my lectures into a book.
FRIEDA I’m surprised you haven’t thought of that before.
IRA I’ve had offers, but I wonder if they would translate on the printed page. They might lose something without my timing, my passion, my warmth.
MARJORIE Ira, bruschetta?
IRA Thank you. It looks good. (Takes a small piece.)
MARJORIE Mother?
FRIEDA No thank you. The bread looks very hard. You know, my teeth.
Marjorie sits down and starts to eat a piece of the bruschetta.
FRIEDA I haven’t eaten much all day. I’ve had terrible cramps. I may have overdone it with the suppositories. For three days I’ve had the worst diarrhea. Just light brown liquid.
MARJORIE Mother, you do this on purpose, don’t you?
FRIEDA What?
MARJORIE Whenever I’m eating, you always bring up your trouble with your bowels.
FRIEDA That is not true.
MARJORIE No, you do it without fail. It’s nauseating. Even when you’re not here. You have this sixth sense. I’ll be just about to dive into a dish of chocolate mousse and sure enough the phone will ring and it’s you talking about the color and texture of your latest BM!
FRIEDA How can you say that?
MARJORIE It’s true. It’s disgusting.
IRA This is not pleasant table talk.
FRIEDA I’m very sorry. I’ve just been in terrible discomfort.
IRA When was the last time you spoke to Dr. Finerman?
FRIEDA This morning.
IRA And what did he have to say?
FRIEDA He wants me to come in for another colonoscopy. I don’t think I could survive it. You can’t eat for twenty-four hours and then the enema and finally that huge thing stuck up you. It’s so dehumanizing. I give up. Call Kevorkian. Have him put me out of my misery.
MARJORIE Mother, he’s in the slammer, taken down his shingle, out of business.
IRA I think you should have the procedure. They might find the very thing that’s giving you this blockage.
FRIEDA They never have before. I’ve had three in the last six months.
MARJORIE (On the verge of hysteria.) This is the limit! Mother, you’re not having another colonoscopy.
FRIEDA But Dr. Finerman is insisting on it. In fact, he wants you to call him.
MARJORI
E He wants me to call him. Why?
FRIEDA He wants you to convince me to have the procedure.
MARJORIE I’m calling him right now.
She goes to the wall phone in the kitchen and dials the number. It’s written on a piece of paper taped to the refrigerator.
IRA Marjorie, I don’t think this is the best time for you to be doing this.
MARJORIE I will not have my mother subjected to such abuse! I think he gets off on it.
FRIEDA You think?
IRA He’s not in his office at this hour.
MARJORIE I’m calling him at home.
IRA Marjorie, don’t.
MARJORIE I’ve had it!
FRIEDA What’s she gonna do?
IRA Marjorie, put down the phone. Marjorie—
MARJORIE Dr. Finerman? Marjorie Taub. I understand you’ve been advising my mother to have another colonoscopy . . . This is the fourth one in six months. What are looking for, gold? . . . No, you listen to me. That old woman’s had more things stuck up her tochis than a gay porn star! If I find out that you’ve inserted one more probe up my mother’s rectum, I will personally come over to your office with my largest pepper mill and buster, you won’t be sittin’ down for a week!! (She hangs up, runs out of the room and slams the door.)
FRIEDA I can’t believe she did that. How will I ever face him?
IRA I’m very worried.
FRIEDA I feel sorry for Lee, showing up when she’s like this.
IRA I don’t think Lee’s going to come.
FRIEDA Why? What’s happened to her?
IRA Don’t you think it’s odd that no one has ever seen her?
FRIEDA Marjorie was always very secretive.
The doorbell rings.
FRIEDA That must be her.
IRA No, it’s Mohammed, the doorman.
FRIEDA The Arab boy?
Ira opens the front door and it is indeed Mohammed.
IRA Mohammed, please come in.
MOHAMMED I can only stay but for a few minutes. Hello, Mrs. Tuchman.
IRA Please, sit down. (Mohammed sits on the sofa.) Mohammed, you’ve worked a lot in the past week.
MOHAMMED Every day. I’ve been filling in for Felix. He fell off his bike and hurt his knee.
IRA Yes, I gave him the name of an excellent orthopedist. I told him I’d pick up the tab. Don’t spread it around. If my wife had any visitors, it’s a good chance you’d have seen them. Right?
MOHAMMED I should think so.
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 23
