The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays

by Charles Busch

  IRA Has my wife had any visitors in the afternoon?

  MOHAMMED None that I am aware of, Dr.Taub.

  FRIEDA Then you’ve never seen Lillian Greenblatt?

  MOHAMMED Who is that?

  IRA Mrs. Taub’s friend.

  MOHAMMED I suppose I haven’t.

  FRIEDA What does this mean?

  IRA She’s a phantom.

  FRIEDA You’re upsetting me, Ira.

  IRA It’s very upsetting. You know how a lonely child will invent an imaginary friend? I think that’s what Marjorie’s done.

  FRIEDA Don’t say such a thing.

  IRA I know it seems inconceivable.

  MOHAMMED I should be going. This is a private matter.

  IRA If you could stay for a few more minutes. I know how fond Mrs. Taub is of you.

  FRIEDA But all the things she’s told us. The stories, the travels. It’s all ephemera?

  IRA I don’t know what else to believe. Of course, it’s my fault. I’m never around. My children suffered from my absence. I slave for the needy, for the disenfranchised, but am oblivious to my own wife’s torments.

  FRIEDA Stop it. You’re the greatest husband and father in the entire world. My poor Marjorie. You really think she’s invented this Lee out of thin air?

  IRA The human mind protects us from trauma. Marjorie was so devastated by the loss of her therapist Reba Fabrikant that she created the fantasy figure of a beloved childhood friend, a friend who’s led the romantic, adventurous life that Marjorie wished she had.

  FRIEDA My mind is agog.

  IRA It’s all somehow connected to her frustration with her intellectual limitations.

  FRIEDA (Indignantly.) Limitations? What limitations? She has no limitations.

  IRA She needs our help. Can I count on you?

  FRIEDA I must find the physical wherewithal. You know I’d kill for my daughter. I’d kill for her. With my bare hands I’d kill for her.

  Ira crosses to the bedroom door.

  IRA Marjorie! Are you okay? Marjorie?

  Marjorie enters wearing lounging pajamas. She’s trying to put on a brave face.

  IRA You’ve changed.

  MARJORIE The Vera Wang was depressing me. I think we should eat. Mohammed?

  FRIEDA He was looking for me. He’s installing new handrails for my toilet.

  MARJORIE Would you like something to eat? We’ve plenty of food.

  MOHAMMED Oh yes. I adore bruschetta. When I was a child, we had a summer villa in Tuscany.

  IRA Please. (Beat.) Marjorie—

  MARJORIE What is it, sweetie?

  IRA I feel I’ve led you astray.

  MARJORIE That sounds very melodramatic. Don’t you want to eat? I thought you were hungry.

  IRA A marriage is a partnership and in incalculable ways I’ve let you down.

  MARJORIE Ira, you are who you are. Now please, let’s just eat. Mohammed, have another.

  IRA Loneliness can make us play all sorts of funny tricks on ourselves. Invent things, create fantasies.

  MARJORIE Invent? Create? What are you talking about?

  IRA Lee.

  MARJORIE What about Lee?

  IRA I think you wanted a friend so desperately that you made her up.

  MARJORIE Made her up? What are you saying?

  IRA It’s perfectly understandable why you would do this.

  MARJORIE Ira, if you’re putting me on, this is a very sick joke.

  IRA Darling, I love you so much. There is no Lee.

  MARJORIE Are you saying that she’s a figment of my imagination? That I’ve flipped out?

  IRA Please, don’t put it that way.

  MARJORIE I don’t know how else to put it. That you would even think that I would do such a thing. I am not crazy.

  IRA Nobody’s saying you’re crazy.

  MARJORIE I’m telling you, I’ve seen the woman. I talk to her. Every day.

  FRIEDA Darling, I talk to your Aunt Minna every day and she’s been dead for forty years. It’s not all that different.

  MARJORIE You and Aunt Minna don’t go to the Film Forum to see a Werner Herzog revival.

  IRA So you’ve been to the movies with Lee?

  MARJORIE Yes. Well no. At the last minute, Lee couldn’t make it. Something came up. No big deal. I went by myself. (The awful truth’s beginning to dawn on her.) And then we were supposed to see that Korean cellist at Merkin Hall. Lee canceled out of that too. And the matinee of the Folklórico Ballet of Mexico.

  IRA But surely you’ve gone out to lunch with her. You’ve walked down the street with her.

  MARJORIE She never shows up whenever we have plans outside the apartment. That’s so weird. It’s never occurred to me. Has anyone else ever seen her? Mohammed, you let her in every day. You see her go out.

  MOHAMMED Mrs. Taub, I have never seen her.

  MARJORIE A woman my age. Very attractive, tall. (He shakes his head.) She wears a gold ladybug on her coat. You’ve never seen her because she never buzzes up. She just appears at the door. Like a ghost. Oh my God. Oh my God. (She bursts into tears and is unable to talk.)

  IRA Take a deep breath.

  MARJORIE I’ve lost my mind.

  FRIEDA (Starting to cry.) You haven’t lost your mind. Don’t say that. My beautiful baby. (Desperately.) Oh my, look. Look who’s here. Lee. You look wonderful. How’s Queenie?

  IRA Frieda, stop it.

  FRIEDA (Sobbing.) I don’t know what to do! Tell me what to do.

  MOHAMMED I should go. This is no place for me. Mrs. Taub, if there is anything I can do for you.

  IRA Thank you, Mohammed.

  Ira opens the door and Mohammed exits.

  MARJORIE Mohammed’s never seen her. Call Bellevue. Commit me. Put me in one those tubs with the canvas zippered up.

  IRA I would never do such a thing. We need to find you a new therapist.

  MARJORIE Somewhere along the line, I’ve tipped into madness.

  IRA You need a tranquilizer.

  MARJORIE No. I want to hold on to whatever lucidity I have left.

  FRIEDA Marjorie, please, you’re upsetting me.

  MARJORIE All those years I spent poring over the letters and diaries of Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, I never thought I’d end up the same way. An imaginary secret friend. It’s like something out of Kafka. A candle flickering in the bleak darkness.

  IRA I’m getting you a tranquilizer. (Ira runs into the bathroom.)

  MARJORIE No, it’s not Kafka at all. What am I talking about? Only Thomas Mann could do justice to this situation. I’m Aschenbach in “Death in Venice”—aging, pathetic, in tragic pursuit of a dream of beauty.

  FRIEDA I need the tranquilizer. I’m going to have another stroke.

  MARJORIE No, no, no, no, no.

  FRIEDA What is it, Marjorie?

  MARJORIE I’m Siddhartha.

  FRIEDA Who?

  MARJORIE Siddhartha, from the masterwork by Hermann Hesse. Siddhartha, a young Indian Brahmin, in quest of the great Buddha. Only this majestic figure can provide him with the nirvana he so desperately seeks. Lillian Greenblatt is my Buddha.

  FRIEDA So you’re saying she’s real?

  MARJORIE (With great ferocity.) Mother, must you be so literal? No, she’s not flesh and blood. I have created this illusion to bring my mind and soul closer to spiritual purification.

  The doorbell rings. Ira runs on holding the bottle of tranquilizers. He answers the door. It’s Lee, holding two suitcases.

  LEE I am so sorry I’m late. I had this forcockta Indian cabdriver who took me all the way across the river.

  BLACKOUT

  END OF ACT ONE

  ACT TWO

  SCENE i

  Two days later. Early evening. Lee is in the kitchen, with Marjorie assisting her. Ira is reading a magazine. Frieda scrutinizes them all.

  LEE I’m making such a mess. I hope the dinner’s worth it.

  MARJORIE It’s been fascinating. I’m so grateful you brought along yo
ur wok.

  LEE I always travel with a wok and three pairs of false eyelashes. Darling, slice up some of those scallions. But never, and I mean NEVER, attempt a paella in a wok.

  MARJORIE Bad news, huh?

  LEE Just ask Placido Domingo. He’ll never let me forget it.

  FRIEDA How many more nights do you think you’ll be shacking up here?

  MARJORIE As long as she wants.

  LEE You are a true friend. This couple I was staying with used to be so hip and lively. What happens to people when they get older? Somewhere along the line, they turned into right-wing zombies. I had to hotfoot it out of there before we killed each other.

  MARJORIE Put it all behind you. You’re safe now.

  IRA So, um, what are we having for dinner? It seems very complicated.

  MARJORIE Don’t interrogate her. Let it be a surprise.

  LEE It’s a crazy quilt of a Chinese meal. Stir-fried clams in a black bean sauce, Peking duck, ants climbing a tree.

  FRIEDA What the hell’s that?

  LEE You’re supposed to visualize the minced pork over the cellophane noodles as ants climbing up a tree. It’s the whimsical Szechwan sense of humor.

  FRIEDA I don’t eat pork.

  MARJORIE Since when? You, the queen of the BLT.

  LEE I’m making a lovely vegetable medley called a rainbow salad.

  IRA That has a healthy ring to it.

  MARJORIE Everything Lee cooks is healthy.

  LEE Frieda, the three of us had so much fun this afternoon in Chinatown. I wish you could have joined us.

  MARJORIE You should have heard Lee speaking Chinese to all the vendors.

  IRA You would have thought she was Madame Chiang Kai-shek.

  MARJORIE Was that meant to be sarcastic?

  IRA Stop snapping at me.

  LEE Margie, slice up the cucumber and carrots into very thin slices. I love having you as my sous-chef. (She kisses her on the cheek.)

  IRA You gotta teach me a little of that Chinese. I have two students from Beijing.

  LEE Ira, my darling, any time. (She tosses off a sentence in Chinese.)

  IRA Is that from Column A or Column B?

  FRIEDA My dentist, Dr. Ling, is Chinese. Tell me how to say ‘I’m not sitting in this waiting room one more minute, Dr. Fuck Face.”

  LEE I think that’s a little beyond the linguistic capabilities of an imaginary friend.

  MARJORIE You are real, aren’t you? I’m not making up these last few days.

  LEE This phantom is so real, she’s even got a bunion.

  IRA Okay, make fun of me. Somehow it all added up.

  LEE It was because you cared.

  MARJORIE It’s because I’m such a pathetic figure. How could I ever have a fabulous friend such as you.

  IRA Stop that, Marjorie.

  MARJORIE Poor Mohammed thought he was protecting me. That’s why he lied. He thought I had a secret lover. Boy, I really thought I was losing it.

  LEE Have you told them the big news?

  IRA What news?

  LEE Marjorie’s writing a new book.

  MARJORIE The silence is broken. At last, I feel free to create.

  IRA What’s the book about?

  MARJORIE I really shouldn’t discuss it at this early stage of gestation. All I’ll say is the protagonist is a cloistured nun in nineteenth-century Munich. The book is a response to Schopenhauer’s treatise “The World as Will and Idea.”

  FRIEDA Marjorie, write about what you know.

  MARJORIE (To Lee.) You see what I’m dealing with here? The anti-intellectualism.

  IRA But isn’t there a limited audience for this sort of endeavor?

  MARJORIE Don’t say that to me now when the juices are flowing.

  IRA I’m just saying, would you buy a book like that?

  MARJORIE I would find it very stimulating. Yes. Ira, why must everything be an entertainment? If you want that, go to the circus. Watch a plate spinner. Must everything be dumbed down to the lowest common denominator? The highest goal a writer can attain is creating something that challenges the reader’s perceptions.

  IRA If they can stay awake. I see you dozing at some of the oddball things you drag us to.

  MARJORIE I am not perfect. Sometimes I don’t get it. Goes right over my head. Doesn’t matter. I am there.

  IRA But Marjorie, that’s like a punishment.

  MARJORIE (Tensely.) Ira, please, this is not your metier.

  IRA Maybe I’m not expressing myself clearly.

  LEE What I think Ira is trying to say is that depth should not be measured by obfuscation. There is, after all, the profundity of the simple. The innate mystery found in … orange, a persimmon.

  IRA Thank you. That’s precisely my point.

  MARJORIE All right! All right! Just say it. Say it! I’m a pretentious, bourgeois cow! I want to write something that I would hate! Is that what you’re saying?

  IRA Honey, I’m not trying to upset you—

  MARJORIE End of discussion. This summer I’m going to reread all of Rilke.

  LEE Marjorie, while we’re in Europe, we should go to Switzerland and visit Rilke’s grave. It’s remarkable the sense of peace that washes over you. And in Zurich, I have a friend you’ve got to meet. Fabulous woman. She’s a mute but she conducts the symphony. She lives in the most—

  FRIEDA (Interrupting) You know what I got in the mail today? A letter requesting a donation to the United Negro College Fund signed by Jesse Jackson. I wrote him some letter back.

  MARJORIE Mother, what did you say?

  FRIEDA I wrote “Dear Mr. Jackson, I wouldn’t give you a red cent after the vile and irresponsible ways the leaders of the black community have fanned the flames of anti-Semitism in this city. As far as I’m concerned, you and your buddies, Farrakhan and Khalid Muhammed, go flick yourselves with a kosher salami.” And I signed it “Hymie from Hymietown.”

  MARJORIE Mother, I am appalled.

  IRA So what else is new? She wrote the same thing to Jesse Helms, the president of Sony and her old hairdresser. She’s an equal opportunity fuck you-er.

  LEE Frieda, I don’t want to get into a heated discussion over racism with you. However, if you feel threatened by disempowered people of color, you can make a difference by giving money for education.

  FRIEDA I give money to Israel.

  Lee carries out a plate of dumplings.

  MARJORIE (Uncomfortable) Very good. Now, let’s eat. My, this is really a Babette’s feast.

  IRA Mmmm. Smells great.

  LEE Now be very careful. These dumplings are hot. Plunk it in the dipping sauce. I intentionally left a bit of the soup in the dumpling so you have the sensation of it bursting in your mouth. It’s spicy.

  Marjorie and Ira each take a dumpling.

  MARJORIE Mother, you want me to cut one up for you?

  FRIEDA I don’t think so. I like my food bland.

  MARJORIE Oh, it’s marvelous. Bursts in your mouth, just like you said.

  IRA You’re some gourmet. You really should try one, Frieda.

  FRIEDA My digestive system is so out of whack. I’ve still got the worst cramps and diarrhea.

  MARJORIE Mother, please.

  FRIEDA Dear merciful God, every morning I sit on the toilet in such agony. It would be a mitzvah if you could just kill me. Call Dr. Kevorkian.

  MARJORIE You want to die, Mother? You really want to die? Well, I would like very much to oblige you with that gift. (She goes over to Ira’s laptop computer.)

  IRA What are you doing?

  MARJORIE Show me how this thing works. I want to go online. Now that Kevorkian’s in prison, there’s got to be others who are providing this service. I am going to find this person. I am determined to find this person!

  IRA Get away from that computer. You’ll break it.

  MARJORIE Don’t tell me what to do and don’t patronize me.

  FRIEDA The man’s a saint to put up with you.

  MARJORIE A saint to a homeless pers
on with a stuffed nose but not to me. Dr. Taub, I’m suffocating in here. You don’t know me. The real me. How could you? You see only the surface of things. I have ambiguities you can’t even begin to fathom. How do you turn this goddam thing on?

  IRA Why are you doing this?

  MARJORIE Oh, look, I did it. I’m not such an idiot. Ira, show me how to get on the World Wide Web. Isn’t that what it’s called? The superhighway? I’m going to search and find someone out there in cyberspace who will kill my mother! And I will pay. I will pay top dollar for this service. And pronto. Wednesday soon enough? Tuesday? Monday? You’re history. Say your prayers ‘cause you’re going down.

  LEE (Shutting the laptop.) Stop it! You hear me! Stop it!

  MARJORIE I can’t take it! I can’t take any more!

  FRIEDA No sympathy, no compassion, no rachmones for anyone but herself.

  LEE Enough out of you. Two grown women carrying on like infants. This is the time in your lives when you should make peace with each other.

  MARJORIE It’s impossible.

  IRA Lee, this goes on five shows a day.

  LEE Come with me. I want you to sit next to Frieda. (Lee leads Marjorie over to the divan where Frieda is sitting.) I want you to sit on the arm of the chair.

  MARJORIE What are you doing?

  LEE Frieda, take her hands.

  FRIEDA This is ludicrous.

  IRA Frieda, do as she says. I want to see this.

  LEE You both love to view yourselves as victims. All the awful cards that have been dealt you. Well, you can’t both be victims all the time. One of you occasionally has to be the perpetrator. Got me?

  FRIEDA I have never done anything to intentionally hurt my daughter.

  LEE But unintentionally you’ve hurt her many times. And you, Marjorie, you make no allowances for other people’s tsuris. Maybe your mother is particularly bitchy today because she’s terrified of death. And seeing us all laughing and running around and having a great time is a grim reminder of her bleak future. Frieda, I want you to say to Marjorie, “Yes, there have been times when I have been a complete and utter asshole.”

  FRIEDA What?

  LEE Say it.

  IRA Frieda, this is the sort of thing Rochelle does for a living. You heard the lady. Say the magic words.

  FRIEDA Yes, there have been times when I have been a complete and utter asshole. Now, it’s her turn.

  LEE Marjorie?

  MARJORIE Mother, yes, there have been times when I have been a complete and utter asshole.