The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays

by Charles Busch

  LEE Now kiss and make nice.

  Marjorie and Frieda do a perfunctory “air kiss” and separate.

  MARJORIE (Forced to laugh.) This is the nuttiest therapy I’ve ever heard of.

  IRA I’ve got to remember this at the next AMA conference.

  FRIEDA (Unrelenting.) I want to go home and stretch out on the bed.

  MARJORIE You’re not staying for dinner?

  FRIEDA I don’t want to wreck up anyone’s good time.

  MARJORIE (Onto her mother.) What are you going to eat?

  FRIEDA (Pointedly.) I’ve got an Omaha steak in the freezer. I can pan-fry it in all of five minutes.

  MARJORIE Then I’ll walk you down the hall.

  Marjorie helps her mother get to the door.

  LEE Good night, Frieda

  MARJORIE I’ll be right back. Hold the dumplings. (She rolls her eyes when her mother isn’t looking. They exit. Outside in the hall, we hear Marjorie shout, “Give me your hands!!”)

  IRA You should be a diplomat.

  LEE It’ll last ten minutes.

  IRA Five. Lee, you’re a very special woman.

  LEE I know I can be obnoxious when I get on my soapbox.

  IRA I admire your activism. I’ve had to fight a lot of battles to get my clinic going. Last week I treated a young black man, a sidewalk portrait artist, nearly suicidal from pounding sinus headaches. No insurance. Could I abandon him to fate? Some cortisone spray and I saved that man’s life.

  LEE If we had a national health care system, he’d have full medical coverage. The New England Journal of Medicine wrote that African-American males in Harlem have the same mortality rate as people in Bangladesh. “Lee Green, stop it. You’re starting up again.”

  IRA It’s all right.

  LEE I guess I’m just a passionate pain in the ass. We’re two of a kind, aren’t we? Ira, one question. You’re such a firebrand. Why early retirement? It doesn’t jibe.

  IRA I shall hereby dispel the mystery for you. Being trapped in that office six days a week—and I was there six days a week, sometimes seven, ask Marjorie—it left me with the sense that I was limited in my efforts to ease human suffering. I felt that there was an entire world out there that could benefit from everything that I had gleaned from my years of study and application. This decision has given me the renewed vigor and idealism of a first-year grad student.

  LEE That’s so inspiring. Have another dumpling before they get cold. (She takes a dumpling and feeds him.) I think you’ve got a little on your fly but you’ll have to wipe that off. We don’t want Marjorie finding us in a compromising position.

  IRA Reminds me of an old joke. A man is walking down the street with his little boy. On the way to the park, they see two dogs having sex on the pavement. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are those dogs doing?” The man says, “Don’t look over there.” They keep walking but the little boy can’t get his eyes off the two dogs. Again he asks, “Daddy, what are they doing?” The man says, “It doesn’t matter. Let’s go.” A third time the little boy asks, “Daddy, what are those dogs doing on the sidewalk?” Finally, the father says, “Son, I’ll tell you what they’re doing. One dog is sick and the other one is pushing her to Mount Sinai.” Corny old joke.

  LEE Very funny.

  IRA Marjorie hates my jokes.

  LEE I’m sure she just says she does. You remind me of a friend of mine. He passed away a long time ago. He could always make me laugh. His name was Lenny Bruce.

  IRA I remind you of Lenny Bruce?

  LEE Lenny had the same charm and quiet sense of danger.

  IRA I’m flattered but I’m hardly dangerous.

  LEE No?

  IRA I drink very moderately, rarely lose my temper and I’ve never been unfaithful to my wife in thirty-two years.

  LEE Man, you must be one of a kind. My life has been littered with nogoodniks.

  IRA Men have treated you badly?

  LEE When it comes to true love, I’m quite the virgin.

  IRA Your first lover wasn’t tender and romantic?

  LEE My first lover was my father. Just kidding. Sort of. He wasn’t physically abusive but rather emotionally seductive. To maintain his interest, Lee became quite the accomplished femme fatale by the age of six. She’d sing songs, do imitations of Jimmy Durante, scratch his back for hours. Evidently her kindergarten set of feminine wiles weren’t enough. One night he went out to buy some tonic water and never came back. Daddy’s early sayonara taught Lee the power of the elusive. For all you know, I might still be a ghost. Try putting your hand through me.

  Drawn like a moth to a flame, Ira hesitantly moves his hand toward her chest. Marjorie enters in the nick of time.

  MARJORIE I want to apologize for that scene you just witnessed. Ira, I’m sorry I snapped at you.

  IRA Apology accepted.

  LEE Your mother’s a lot to handle. You do very well, Marjorie.

  MARJORIE I get so full of frustration. I just have to lash out.

  LEE That’s why I vent my rage in activism. Getting involved with the Universal Human Rights Coalition was the best thing that ever happened to Lee Green—and her ulcer.

  IRA This is the group you raise money for?

  LEE Uh-huh.

  IRA You really haven’t talked much about what exactly this group does.

  LEE We’re an international relief organization. We give aid wherever help is needed, regardless of politics. I feel funny talking about this. I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you into making a donation.

  MARJORIE I know you’re not. But we do make donations to a large number of charitable organizations. Simon Wiesenthal, Equity Fights AIDS, the Roundabout.

  IRA How much are you looking to raise?

  LEE A hundred and fifty thousand dollars by next Tuesday.

  IRA A hundred and fifty thousand. Whew.

  LEE It all goes literally into putting food in babies’ mouths, vaccines. Sometimes a little cash can bribe a firing squad from shooting an innocent political prisoner. I have actually witnessed that.

  MARJORIE You’ve been to executions?

  LEE I have seen political prisoners fall into open graves. Yes.

  MARJORIE Well, we’ll have to, um—

  IRA —think about this. If you have any brochures or, um—

  MARJORIE —literature. I mean, is it tax-deductible?

  LEE I can get you some literature right away. You’re both so adorable. I love the way you finish each other’s sentences.

  MARJORIE Do we?

  IRA Really?

  LEE I’m going to say something very shocking.

  MARJORIE Lee, we’re sophisticated people. Go ahead. Shock us.

  LEE I can’t decide which of you I’m more attracted to.

  MARJORIE Lee!

  LEE Now Marjorie, don’t get all fartootst. You can’t tell me you’ve never had a crush on a woman.

  MARJORIE A schoolteacher, a playmate, the girl who runs the Clinique counter at Saks.

  IRA Marjorie?

  MARJORIE I just like looking at her. She has a very aristocratic neck. Does that make me a lesbian?

  LEE Marjorie, I’m astonished at you. Tell me you’re just putting on this bourgeois conservative act.

  MARJORIE No, I’m really at heart a very conservative person.

  LEE You can’t love Hesse’s work and be so judgmental of human sexuality.

  MARJORIE What are you talking about?

  LEE Demian. The relationship between Sinclair and Demian is very homoerotic.

  IRA Who are they?

  MARJORIE Two male characters in a book by Hermann Hesse. Lee, they were best friends. Sinclair was in love with Demian’s mother.

  LEE Because Demian’s mother looked just like Demian. The whole book was a celebration of a kind of divine pansexuality.

  MARJORIE Lee, are you telling me you’re a pansexual?

  LEE I don’t believe in labels. I’m sensual. I’m a sensual being. I love touching and being touched. Haven�
��t you ever wanted to move closer to that salesgirl at Saks and stroke that beautiful neck?

  MARJORIE It never occurred to me. I just ask for the astringent.

  LEE You’re blushing.

  MARJORIE Yes, I’m blushing. You’re outrageous.

  LEE You’re blushing because you’re intrigued and titillated.

  MARJORIE Ira, you haven’t said anything for a long time.

  IRA I’m staying out of it.

  LEE I love seeing the two of you squirm like horny teenagers.

  MARJORIE We are merely amused by your shenanigans. You’re just teasing us.

  IRA You don’t really believe in all this mishegoss.

  LEE You know what I did this morning? I took a bath and turned on the Jacuzzi. It was fantastic. I’d like to get the two of you into that absurd marble tub and bathe and perfume you and pamper you like spoiled courtesans in a seraglio.

  IRA We both have allergic reactions to many floral scents.

  Lee starts to unbutton her blouse.

  MARJORIE What are you doing?

  LEE Getting comfortable.

  MARJORIE Well, be uncomfortable.

  LEE I love you like this. You’ve become a young girl again.

  IRA Well, I think this kooky conversation has gone on far too long.

  LEE Oh Ira, you’re a doctor. You can’t be afraid of nudity.

  IRA My own, yes.

  LEE You shouldn’t be. I opened the bathroom door a crack when you were taking a shower this morning. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

  MARJORIE (Aghast.) Lee, you are talking about my husband.

  LEE Lucky lady. (She gives Marjorie a sudden kiss on the lips.) Yum yum. (She kisses Ira.) Tasty.

  MARJORIE I think you’ve got the wrong idea about us. We are not swingers.

  IRA Shouldn’t we finish getting dinner ready?

  LEE The duck needs to soak in the marinade for at least an hour. I’ve got an idea. Be right back. (She dashes off into the bedroom.)

  MARJORIE She’S outrageous. A ménage à trois. Could you?

  IRA I don’t know. You’re both very attractive ladies.

  MARJORIE Ira, you’re not serious.

  IRA Probably not. When she gets back, we’ll tell her to cool it.

  MARJORIE I don’t know. Maybe we should have the experience. You find her sexy?

  IRA Honestly?

  MARJORIE Be honest.

  IRA Yes, I do. You know why? Because she reminds me of you.

  MARJORIE (Rolling her eyes.) That’s very sweet. (She pats his hand.)

  Lee returns with a hash pipe and a plastic bag filled with “something.”

  IRA That’s not tobacco.

  LEE Nope. And it ain’t marijuana.

  MARJORIE Thank God for that.

  LEE It’s hash.

  MARJORIE You’ve brought hashish into our home?

  LEE Darling, if we were in Tangiers, before and after dinner we’d all get blissfully stoned.

  MARJORIE Well, we’re not in Tangiers. We’re on Riverside Drive. They’ll smell it down the hall. My mother will have a fit.

  IRA Come on, Lee. Put it away.

  LEE Now you both think I’m a bad girl.

  MARJORIE A very bad girl. I’m having another cocktail. (She gets up and goes to the kitchen.)

  Lee takes Ira’s hand and begins kissing his fingers.

  MARJORIE (Not seeing them.) Honestly, Lee, I’m more intrigued by bisexuality on an intellectual plane. In theory. Vita and Virginia, Colette and Missy. We’re more Ethel and Lucy.

  She looks out from the kitchen and sees Lee kissing Ira. Marjorie feels a pang of jealousy but is not sure over whom. She leaves the kitchen and returns to the living room.

  After a difficult decision, Marjorie takes Ira away from Lee and gives him a long, sensuous kiss. Ira bends Marjorie back. Lee uses this opportunity to take Marjorie’s head in her hands and kisses her deeply.

  IRA I feel like I’m in the middle of a Playboy spread.

  The three of them laugh and move closer together, and the nocturnal revels begin.

  BLACKOUT

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 2

  The following evening. Ira and Frieda are seated at the dining room table, finishing their profiteroles.

  IRA You’re getting the early bird special. We’re finished and you can still watch Jeopardy. Happy?

  FRIEDA You’re eating early because you’re going to a Broadway show.

  IRA We’re going to BAM to see an experimental all male Irish Oresteia. Marjorie says the director is a twenty-five year old international wunderkind.

  FRIEDA She’s making you schlep all the way out to Brooklyn. Dear merciful God.

  IRA It doesn’t take long on the subway.

  FRIEDA You should get the Nobel Prize for what you endure.

  IRA It’s supposed to be very innovative. Epic. Marjorie! We really should get going!

  FRIEDA I wish you wouldn’t. I’m feeling so shaky.

  IRA I’ll have my cell phone with me. You can reach us anytime.

  FRIEDA I don’t understand all that crap. Where were you late last night?

  IRA We were home. We ate our Chinese food and we digested it. Where else would we be?

  FRIEDA Around one in the morning, I tried calling and no one answered. I stayed up all night worrying about the two of you. Today I can hardly walk.

  IRA You must’ve dialed a wrong number.

  FRIEDA I left a message on your answering machine, “chochem” (Trans. Wiseguy).

  IRA Frieda, you’re far too clever for me. You want the truth? We’re selling you to white slavers in Singapore.

  Lee enters.

  LEE We’re doing great on time. Ira, how cute you look. So toasty and cuddly. I could take a great big bite out of you.

  IRA (Very uncomfortable.) Thank you.

  LEE I sure hope this Oresteia’s livelier than dinner.

  IRA I’m sorry. I guess Marjorie and I both had very long days.

  LEE I didn’t mean to sound critical. I just missed seeing you guys all day. And you both seemed a little down at dinner. Well, as of this moment, please meet the self-appointed vice-president of Good Times. Margie’s still dressing?

  IRA She can never make up her mind.

  LEE But when she’s finished, it’s certainly worth the wait.

  IRA So Lee, you seem like a lady with a lot of plans. What’s next for you? I can’t imagine you staying put in one place too long.

  LEE I’m kind of playing it by ear. It’s rather fun not knowing where I’ll be next month.

  IRA Next month? So you think you’ll be leaving New York in a few weeks?

  LEE I honestly can’t say, sweetie. Miss Lee Green has rekindled her love affair with Manhattan. I adore every smelly block of it.

  FRIEDA Oy, I’m so stuffed up. I need a tissue. (Frieda clears her throat and crosses to the downstage table to take a tissue out of a box. She blows her nose and sits.)

  LEE Frieda, your shoe is untied. Let me fix it before you trip. My mother drilled into me that a good houseguest should make herself indispensable.

  Lee bends down in front of Frieda to tie her lace.

  FRIEDA Let Marjorie do it. There’s a special way.

  Marjorie enters from the bedroom. From her angle, it looks like Lee is performing an intimate sexual act upon the elderly Frieda.

  FRIEDA It’s too tight. Leave it alone!

  MARJORIE (Horror struck.) Mother!!!!

  Lee moves away and Marjorie, embarrassed, sees how innocent it all is.

  FRIEDA What’s wrong with you?

  MARJORIE I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. (She takes Frieda’s plate into the kitchen.)

  LEE So what are we three musketeers going to do tomorrow? I am dying to see the Francis Bacon retrospective at the Guggenheim.

  IRA Oh, tomorrow’s bad. I have to be at the clinic. I have a welfare mom coming in with phlegm as thick as rubber cement.

  MARJORIE Tomorrow I promised I�
�d go shopping with my friend Paula Zaback. It’s her youngest daughter’s wedding.

  LEE That actually sounds like fun. May I join?

  MARJORIE You’d be miserable. Paula’s such a bore. I only hang out with her because she gets me free tickets to the lectures at the Ninety-Second Street Y.

  LEE Let’s skip it. It’s just as well. I should catch up on some of my phone calls. Your guestroom is so comfy. It’s like a warm, little cocoon.

  IRA Lee, I’m glad you feel so at home. But it really is a rather small apartment. That’s why we rarely have houseguests for more than a weekend.

  LEE Okay. Say no more. Your darling husband’s been dropping hints like grenades.

  IRA Actually, what I was trying to say was . . .

  LEE It’s the phone, isn’t it? I feel terribly guilty making so many calls. You know, the answer is to have another line installed in the guest room. Don’t worry. I’ll order it the first thing in the morning. Now, not another word about it.

  IRA Actually, what I wanted to say was—

  FRIEDA (Interrupting.) I have to go to the bathroom. (Sarcastically.) Marjorie, if it’s not too much trouble?

  LEE I’ll take you. Marjorie, sit.

  FRIEDA Let Marjorie do it. You have to stand outside until I finish.

  LEE Don’t worry. I won’t go away.

  Lee insists on helping. Frieda moves towards the bathroom down the hall. Lee walks behind her.

  FRIEDA Don’t touch me or I’ll fall and break my hip again.

  LEE I promise I won’t. I was briefly a nurse in Sarajevo. (They exit.)

  IRA Marjorie, I can hardly look you in the eye. I cannot believe what we did last night.

  MARJORIE I know. How do you think I feel? I was a daughter of Sappho.

  IRA You didn’t do anything to be ashamed of.

  MARJORIE I lay there and allowed myself to be—pleasured by another woman. I have to be held accountable. What does this say about us?

  IRA Nothing. It was just one of those crazy things. We mustn’t blow it out of proportion. She has some chutzpah suggesting we put in another phone line.

  MARJORIE She does have chutzpah. But we must be egging her on.

  IRA Egging her on? About the telephone?

  MARJORIE I’m talking about last night. The menage. I can’t even say it. We must have sent out some sort of a smoke signal. We let her feel that we were available.

  IRA In what way did we do this?