The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays

by Charles Busch

  MARJORIE You infiltrated our home with the modus operandi of exploitation and Lillian, I condemn you for it. My little army has had its insurrections, true, our inner rebellions. Yes. Bitter rage over past injustices but we know where to draw the line. Blood is never shed in apartment 12C. Your presence has changed us irreparably but not the way you intended. We have traveled a mountainous road full of land mines. But we will endure and you know why? You know why? Because love triumphs. Love, acceptance, faith and forgiveness, my little partisan army has all of that in abundance. Now get your controlling, manipulative, self-hating, pretentious, anti-Semitic ass out of here!

  Ira hands Lee her coat. With quiet dignity, she takes the Taub’s house keys out of her bag and hands them to Marjorie.

  LEE Marjorie, here are your keys. I think you’ve figured out which doors to open.

  MARJORIE Where will you go? Do you want to pack your things?

  Lee crosses to the door. Mohammed opens it for her. She pauses in the doorway with an enigmatic smile on her face.

  LEE You can leave them downstairs. I guess I’ll head for Monaco sooner than I expected. Long ago, I promised Grace that I’d keep an eye on the children. Au revoir.

  She exits. Mohammed closes the door behind her.

  IRA You sure gave it to her. Like Sonny Liston, right in the chops.

  FRIEDA You were magnificent. Like Judith or Ruth in the bible. I’m so proud of you.

  MARJORIE I’m glad I could make you both proud but it’s a very sad situation.

  IRA Our home is our own again. You did good. (He kisses her.)

  MARJORIE I still feel unsettled.

  FRIEDA Here she goes.

  MARJORIE Lee. She’s an enigma. A sphinx. Was it an accident that she just happened to knock on our door or did she plan it? Was everything from the beginning a scheme to exploit us?

  IRA Why? You think the other night? Everything. You think she wasn’t attracted to—

  MARJORIE Ira. (She indicates that he should ixnay about the threeway.)

  IRA She is an enigma. She is a sphinx.

  MARJORIE To begin to understand her, one would have to read the entire collected works of Schnitzler. Perhaps Lee left us with a special gift. Perhaps inadvertently, she gave us all a sense of—

  IRA (Interrupting her.) Look at the time. I was due at NYU over a half-hour ago.

  MARJORIE When will you be home?

  IRA I promised I’d have coffee with some of my students at five.

  MARJORIE You have to?

  IRA I can’t let ‘em down. I’ve been out of touch the last few days. My kids say they need their weekly fix of Dr. Taub.

  MARJORIE Then you must.

  IRA I feel crummy running out on you like this. Maybe I can leave a message at the Student Union and tell them I can’t make it.

  MARJORIE It’s fine. Really. You shouldn’t let them down. Those kids are crazy about you, and why shouldn’t they be?

  FRIEDA Ira, walk me back. If I hurry I can still catch that Matlock rerun.

  Ira walks Frieda to the door.

  IRA Marge, you’re really something.

  FRIEDA Ira, you exposed that woman for what she is. Don’t give Marjorie all the credit.

  MARJORIE Mother, I noticed a small tear in the carpet in the hall. Watch where you’re going and don’t trip.

  FRIEDA Wouldn’t that be the clincher?

  IRA I’ll be back before you know it.

  They exit.

  MOHAMMED Mrs. Taub, will you be all right?

  MARJORIE What an interesting question? Yes. I think I’m think I’m going to be fine.

  MOHAMMED Oh, I finally read your favorite book Siddhartha.

  MARJORIE You did? And?

  MOHAMMED I liked it very much. So deceptively simple. After his long spiritual quest, Siddhartha discovers that the Buddha he seeks is within himself.

  MARJORIE And he derives great comfort from communing with a ferryman. How perfect. Yes? A man who shuttles people across the river on his boat. His work provides him with a unique insight into the human comedy.

  MOHAMMED Rather like a doorman.

  MARJORIE Very much so.

  She studies his face for a moment and then gets a new inspiration.

  MARJORIE Are you hungry?

  MOHAMMED I forgot to eat lunch.

  MARJORIE I’m famished. Starving like a prisoner escaped from Devil’s Island. How about I fix us a snack? And nothing too fussy or frou frou. I have a craving for something simple and basic. Bread, coarse peasant bread with seeds and grain, a sharp Vermont cheddar, and a thick juicy beefsteak tomato. Sound good and hearty?

  MOHAMMED Sounds wonderful. May I help?

  MARJORIE You’ll be my sous-chef. Come into the kitchen.

  Marjorie and Mohammed move toward the kitchen. She throws an apron at him. He ties it around his waist.

  MARJORIE I’ve got a jar of fantastic marinated olives. You can start chopping them up and I’ll throw together some sort of spread. It’ll be Heaven. Don’t worry, I’ll show you how to do it.

  MOHAMMED I’d love to learn how to cook, Mrs. Taub, but I’ve always been a little afraid of the kitchen.

  MARJORIE There’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of, Mohammed. It’s just another room filled with infinite possibilities. I’ll show you how to make a perfect Bernaise. There’s a secret tip I wormed out of Julia Child.

  MOHAMMED (impressed) Julia Child? You know her?

  MARJORIE No. She was signing books at Barnes and Noble, but I got it out of her.

  MOHAMMED A Bernaise sauce. It sounds very difficult.

  MARJORIE It’s both simple and difficult, Mohammed. Like so much in life.

  The two of them begin to prepare their small feast and gab about food and books and a million things as music rises and our tale comes to an end.

  END OF PLAY

  * Pronounced GAR-NAY.