Q: It’s getting kind of dangerous to be a Christian. Remind us why we need Jesus again? Didn’t God make all the same promises to us as Jews? Can’t we just go back to being Jews if we want to?
A: Do not let yourself be scared away from the Christian faith. Hearing the teachings of Christ, accepting them, and then changing your mind is like crucifying Jesus all over again. If there’s one thing Christ hates, it’s a tease. Besides, being a Jew does not entitle you to the same promises as being a Christian. It’s like the old temple. Remember how everybody could come into the lower level of the temple, but then there was the holy chamber in which only the priests could enter, and inside that was the Holy of Holies where God himself lived and where only the High Priest could go in? Heaven is like that.
Through simple acts of faith like sacrificing goats and sheep, we can all approach God in some basic, entry-level way. But dead goats only get you so far. After that, there’s a higher level, a sort of Admiral’s Lounge, reserved only for the top performers. Guys like Moses, Noah, and Abraham, people with such enormous faith that they were willing to do whatever weird shit God asked them to— like build a ship in the middle of nowhere, or kill their only son in a sacrifice. Stuff like that.
Finally, there’s an inner sanctum, a Holy of Holies where God himself lives. And the only one who can go in there and be with God is Jesus Christ.Because he is the Son of God, Jesus can approach God in a way we cannot. And that’s why if we ever want to get into the Holy of Holies and be with God himself, we need to get on Jesus Christ’s guest list. Following the old laws and customs just isn’t going to cut it. Not if you want the full Heaven experience.
Okay, I hope this FAQ clears everything up. If there’s anything else you’re confused about, please take it up with your bishop or deacon.
The Letter of James
To: Christians everywhere
From: James
Brother of Jesus Christ
Leader of the Church
Re: Some damn good advice
I’ve heard that a lot of you have been arrested, beat-en up, and imprisoned simply for being Christians.
Do you know what I say to that? Good! If you want sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. God wants true believers. Hardship and persecution are the only things that keep the dabblers and dilettantes away. If you’re willing to be burned at the stake or eaten alive by baboons for your faith, then you’re obviously not in it for the free donuts and communion wine.
Maybe that’s why Christianity isn’t such a hot religion for rich people. They have so much to lose, and to serve Christ, you have to be willing to lose it all. Keep that in mind the next time a rich man wants special treatment. If anyone’s going to sell you out to the cops, it’ll be the rich guy who bought the front pew, not the guy in the greasy loincloth you made sit in the back. Besides, if the loincloth guy is good enough to sit by God’s side in Heaven, then who are you to tell him to move to the back of the church?
Also, despite whatever Paul may have told you, don’t think that having faith in Jesus Christ means you can simply stumble into Heaven like a drunk crashing on the couch. God doesn’t give out medals just for believing the right things. You think believing in God makes you hot gravy? It doesn’t. Even the devil believes in God. So the Almighty isn’t terribly blown away by your willingness to acknowledge his existence.
What God wants from you isn’t your belief, but your dedication. Faith is nice, but by itself, it’s worthless. If you’re one of these Christians who’s full of faith, but who lets widows and orphans starve to death, you need to either start doing Christ’s work or start calling yourself something else. Faith without action is dead.
There is no proof of your faith except for action.
And don’t try to impress us with big talk about all the wonderful things you’re going to do in the future. The future is a bank without any deposits. Life is what you’re doing now, not what you plan to do later. Don’t try to excuse yourself from the hard work of feeding and clothing people today because you’ll make up for it tomorrow. Hell, I don’t even know if you’ll be alive tomorrow. A Christian who hears the teachings of Christ and doesn’t act on them is like a guy who looks into a mirror but then forgets what he looks like the second he walks away.
Also, don’t praise God with the same mouth you use to curse people. You can’t be a righteous Christian and a hateful prick any more than you can be a tree which grows both figs and oranges.
It’s one fruit or the other, folks.
Remember, you’re all brothers and sisters. You should be quick to listen, reluctant to speak, and slow as ketchup to get angry. Just as a forest fire can start with one tiny spark, a church can be destroyed by a few angry words. The road to Hell is paved with snappy comebacks, but as far as I know, God never struck anyone down for being a good listener.
Nor should you judge each other. There is only one qualified judge in the entire Universe and that is God. So when you judge somebody, you’re basically telling God that you can do his job better.
Finally, don’t waste your life chasing money. It just makes you fat and untrustworthy. I would like to remind you that we are living in the last days. So hoarding money at this point is sort of like scooping up poker chips aboard a sinking ship.
Hey, I’m sorry if I seemed a little glib earlier about the hardships and persecutions you are facing. I know you’re suffering. My point is that as hard as life is for you right now, it will all be worth it in the end. Just stay the course a little longer for soon we will all be safe together in the Kingdom of God. Christ will lead his ants to the picnic,
I promise.
The 1st Epistle of Peter
To all my friends in Asia:
One of you brought up an interesting question the other day: if faith in Jesus Christ is the only way to get into Heaven, then what about all the people who died before Christ was born? Do they go to Hell? I think I might have an answer for that:
After Jesus was crucified, it was a good three days before he came back from the dead. If I know Jesus, he probably spent those three days in the netherworld, preaching to all the dead souls so they could believe in him, too. It makes sense and it’s totally like something he would do. So I wouldn’t worry about the dead too much. They’re probably already partying up in Heaven.
I’ve heard the stories about how you are being fed to lions in the arena. This is, hands down, the worst time to be a Christian. Though, admittedly, it is a pretty magical time to be a lion. I know what you’re going through, and I’ve heard you beg for salvation and cry out for Christ to have mercy on you. Over the years, I’ve come to know and love you all. And that’s why it kills me to say what I have to tell you now: Christ is not going to save you.
When somebody is asked to die for a god they don’t truly believe in, they drop him faster than a snake with herpes. Only people who worship the living Son of God are willing to give their very lives for him. I’m sorry, but when all is said and done, it won’t be your preaching, or your puritan morality, that will bring people to Jesus Christ. It will be your death. Like Christ before you, you must suffer so your tormentors can see the Kingdom of God.
I know this sounds nuts, especially considering what the law is doing to you, but it is essential that you be good, law-abiding citizens. I don’t care how sadistic the government is, or how ruthless your slave owner or husband may be. You have to put up with it so that when you are finally led away to die for Christ, people will know that you are innocent of all else, and that it is for your faith alone that you go to your death.
It’s a lot to ask of you, and it breaks my heart to ask it. But don’t be afraid of the trials which await you. Everyone suffers. The only difference is that evil men suffer from their punishment, while good men suffer from their persecution.
The final judgment is very near. I can hear the fire roaring. You must keep each other strong as you face the end together. Satan
lurks behind you like a lion (sorry, poorly chosen analogy, I know), probing, pawing, trying to single out the weak before going in for the kill. You must stand together like a mighty herd, or he will pick you off, one by one.
I wish I had happier news. I love you all.
Until we meet again in this life or the next,
Peter
The 2nd Epistle of Peter
To my friends in the seven churches of Asia:
In my last letter, I got a little carried away and implied that the world was about to come to an end. I’m sorry if I misled you. Hopefully none of you made any major purchases.
Some of you may now feel a little silly for telling your friends and coworkers about the imminent end of the world. But you know what? Don’t worry about what non-believers think about you. People will always mock your faith. They’ll say things like, “Hey, Elijah, who’s going to win the chariot race today?” or, “Hey, is the world going to end today, or is it okay for me for me to plant artichokes?”
Don’t let them get to you. Nobody knows the exact day or hour, Jesus will come back and he does, he will come like a thief in the night. Or maybe a ninja. At any rate, nobody will see it coming. Not knowing when Jesus is coming back does not mean you get to relax and get sloppy.
In fact, it means the opposite: you need to live as if he could show up at any moment.
So remain vigilant. Especially now that the church seems to have become rotten with false prophets, eager to prey upon your disappointment. The sad thing is that a lot of these false prophets used to be good, upstanding Christians. But I guess they just couldn’t help but go back to their old sinful ways. They are like dogs returning to their vomit. A pig returning to her shit. Sorry, I’m getting carried away again.
Don’t get too chummy with these people. If God turned Sodom & Gomorrah into charcoal because of a few smooth boys, then imagine what he has in store for false prophets. You’ve all come so far, I’d hate to see someone trip you up this close to the finish line.
I love you, Asians! You are all my pitted cherries.
Peter
The 1st Letter of John
Hi all,
Okay, there seems to be a lot of confusion about just who Jesus was, or what he came to Earth to do, so let me set the record straight:
Jesus was an actual man. Flesh and blood. He wasn’t an angel, or some spirit dude, as has been suggested in some circles. Frankly, some of you have been getting a little too new-agey for my liking. If somebody tells you that Jesus was a ghost, a mermaid, or that he lives inside a pinecone, or anything weird like that, there are some easy ways to tell if this person is on the level.
First and foremost, a real disciple of Christ will embody the teachings of Christ. If someone preaches the Resurrected Christ during the day and hits the whorehouse at night, they have no credibility. A lot of fun, but no credibility. Also, don’t believe anybody who says that you don’t have to follow Christ in order to get into Heaven. That’s just pure donkey balls. And, whatever you do, don’t believe anyone who says Jesus wasn’t a real flesh and blood man! I don’t know why, but this really boils me up.
In the end, the best way to tell if someone was truly sent by Christ is if they love people. Loving people was like Christ’s number one thing. So if someone acts hatefully towards people, then he clearly has no idea what Christ was all about.
John
The 2nd Letter of John
To God’s Special Lady (You Know Who You Are!):
Okay, I know you’re a church and not a woman, but I’ve already made the metaphor so now I’m going to run with it. Woman, I’m so glad to see that your children are growing up true and strong. They’re really great kids, obeying God’s commandments and all that. Nice! Quite a loving brood, too. And the most important of Christ’s teachings, of course, is that we love one another.
As I mentioned in my last letter, there are a lot of false prophets out there. Gnostics, hippies, and God-knows-what-else. You’re such a great lady, I’d hate to see your faith derailed by one of these heretics. If somebody tells you that you don’t need Christ to get into Heaven, don’t believe them. They are a false prophet. And if someone claims that Christ wasn’t a real human being, but some sort of spirit/ghost, then he’s probably a false prophet, too. Who knows? Maybe even the Antichrist. In any case, don’t let him in the house.
I have so much more to say to you, but I’m running low on paper and ink, so the rest will have to wait until I see you face to face, which I hope will be soon.
Love,
John
The 3rd Letter of John
Dear Gaius,
I hope this letter finds you well. I just wanted to say that I’m really impressed by how you’ve been welcoming traveling Christians into your home, some of whom don’t even speak your language. They may not understand your words, but nothing says “Welcome!” quite like a hot meal and a good foot scrub.
It’s always good when Christians can put aside their differences to help each other. The less we have to rely on pagans for help, the better. When a non-believer takes you in, they may start out feeding you dinner or making your bed, but it’s just a matter of time before they want you to join in their blood dances, or chicken worship, or whatever. Besides, what does it say about us when heathens are nicer to Christians than we are?
Speaking of which, what’s the deal with Diotrephes? Why is he being such a dick? He won’t even let me come speak at his church. Is he afraid I’ll upstage him? I’ll bet that’s it, isn’t it? He’s a total hater. He’s all holier-than-thou in church but then he doesn’t let traveling Christians stay in his house. What’s more, he doesn’t even let his parishioners take them in. I mean, not lending a hand is one thing, but how much of a prick do you have to be to keep others from helping out?
Anyway, I’ve got a lot more to say, but as usual, I don’t have much paper and ink to spare, so I’d better keep it short. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon.
Friends in Faith Forever,
John
The Epistle of Jude
To: All Bishops and Regional Managers, Church of Jesus Christ, Eastern Mediterranean Division
From: Jude, Brother of James
Re: Quality Control
Gentlemen:
First of all, let me congratulate you all on another successful year. The Church continues to grow, due in no small part to your dedication. However, I would like to take this opportunity to caution you against cutting corners simply for the sake of posting higher membership numbers.
It has come to my attention that some of your churches are practically filled to the rafters with perverts and troublemakers. These people will only give you a bad reputation, lead your parishioners astray, and ruin your love feasts.
I’ve heard about some people joining the church so they can stop in for a quick absolution after a long day of idolatry and ass-play. Others seem to think that the church is some sort of creative writing workshop where they can come up with whatever crazy doctrine they want to and have it treated like holy scripture. These false prophets are just more proof that the end of the world is at hand.
Do not tolerate such people. Just because they’re Christians doesn’t mean God likes them. Remember, God rescued the Jews from Egypt only to knock a few of them off later, and if God doesn’t want someone around, you shouldn’t either.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t try to bring new members into the fold. Growth is good. Getting asses in the seats is what the church is all about. But let the message be what draws the people in. Don’t lose the coop trying to catch a chicken.
In closing, I’d like to thank you all for your continued hard work. Here’s to another great year.
P.S. While I’ve got you, I’ve been working on a new song. I’ve only written a few verses, but I think it’s really good! It starts out like this:
Majesty and power,
Through Jesus Christ!
Staying pure forever�
��
That’s all I’ve got so far. When I’m finished, I’ll send it off so you can sing it in church.
The Book of Revelation
To the seven churches of Asia:
The good news is that your persecution won’t last much longer. The bad news is that’s because you’ll all be dead soon. That’s right, the end of the world we’ve all been waiting for is finally here! I was sitting here in my cave, minding my own business, serving time under cave-arrest, when an angel of the Lord appeared and gave me the following revelation:
There’s this giant book in Heaven with seven chapters and each chapter is sealed shut. When the seals are broken and the book is opened, all hell will break loose, much the same as if it were a sixteen-year-old’s diary. The first four seals will release the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Conquest, War, Famine, and Death. That last horseman, Death, is a real son of a bitch, so steer clear of him if you can. By the time he’s done, one-quarter of the human race will be dead. Cities will be destroyed. Practically everyone will be living outside and digging through trash. Dogs will be largely unaffected by the Apocalypse.
God Is Disappointed In You Page 18
