by Janet Dailey
“I was awake anyway,” said Jarod, starting to turn to hand the child to her.
There was only a second of hesitation before she thrust the bottle toward him. “Would you feed him?” she asked quickly, childishly crossing her fingers as she lied. “I dropped one of the bottles on the kitchen floor. Hannah isn't here yet and I'd like to clean it up before it starts to dry."
She nearly forced the bottle into Jarod's hand before she hurried from the room, not stopping until she had reached the kitchen, where she wrapped her arms around herself and smiled.
“You're certainly grinning like the cat that ate the canary,” Hannah mumbled as she walked in the kitchen door. “Don't tell me little Davie's alarm clock didn't go off this morning?"
“Oh, yes, it did,” Amanda laughed, nearly dancing over to the housekeeper and hugging her tightly.
“What's wrong with you, girl?” The usually sternfaced housekeeper let a smile of bewilderment tug at her mouth.
“Jarod is in the bedroom feeding David right now,” Amanda whispered, as if saying it louder would bring the walls crashing down.
“It's about time, I'd say,” the woman declared with a vigorous nod of her pepper-colored hair. “The little feller is more than a month old. He should know what it's like to be held by his daddy."
“I knew Jarod couldn't resist him forever,” Amanda sighed, ignoring the sting of criticism in the housekeeper's statement. “I hadn't better overdo it the first time, though. With my luck, David will burp all over his robe. Fix some coffee and bring it up to my room, will you, Hannah?"
The contents of the bottle were nearly gone when Amanda returned to the bedroom. Without a word she took the baby from Jarod's arms, a shy look of pleasure in her eyes as she looked at him.
“He's already burped,” he said blandly.
“Not on you?” she asked anxiously.
“No."
Jarod stood beside the crib, watching with indifference as Amanda tucked the blanket around the contentedly sighing infant. Covertly she tried to glimpse a hint of pride or affection in the arrogantly set features, any sign that Jarod felt something for their son resting in the crib. There seemed to be nothing, yet she couldn't help venturing a comment.
“Sometimes it's difficult to believe that he's our son,” she said softly. “That you and I made—"
“Don't waste your romantic nonsense on me, Amanda,” Jarod snapped. “Keep it for that baby you're so proud of."
Her eyes rounded in disbelief at the savage rejection in his voice. A faltering movement of her hand brought her fingers in contact with the terry-cloth sleeve of his robe. A ray of hope twinkled dimly.
“Jarod...” she began hesitantly. “You ... you aren't jealous of our ... our son, are you?"
“Jealous!” There was a contemptuous sound in his throat as the full force of his glittering cold gaze was turned on her. “To be jealous I would first have to care. And I don't care.” The words were drawn out with emphatic slowness. “You and the baby could leave today and I wouldn't miss you at all."
Her whole body jerked as if he had slapped her, twisting her head to the side as she reeled from the shock of the pain. Incapable of speech, she said not a word, although painfully aware of his footsteps taking him out of the room. Her hands crept up to her face while the last of her hope died an agonizing death as bitter tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Don't waste your tears on the likes of him.” Hannah's angry voice sounded from behind her. “He isn't worth it,"
Amanda spun around, pride briefly halting her sobs. “Don't say that!” she gasped, more in terror because her mind was saying the same thing.
“It's the truth. And don't you be trying to put me in my place, either. I heard every word he said, and it would serve him right if you left this very day!"
“I love him.” Amanda's face crumpled beneath the onslaught of tears. “It's so humiliating to love someone as much as I love him. What am I going to do?"
“The first thing—” the housekeeper drew her to the bed “—is for you to drink some of this coffee while I pack your things. It's time the high and mighty Mr. Colby found out how empty this house is without you. We'll see how good the food tastes when he sits at the table alone, and how sterile the house seems without a few women's things strewn around."
“It won't work, Hannah.” Amanda shook her head dejectedly. “I knew when he married me that he didn't care for me. I only hoped that he might care about David. I told Jarod I would leave when he told me to go, and that's when I'll leave."
“What do you think he said a minute ago? Where's your pride?"
“I have no pride,” she admitted wryly, roughly wiping the tears from her face. “You'd better take the coffee in to Jarod."
“I'll throw it in his face if I do,” the housekeeper growled. “The ungrateful pup!"
“Hannah—"
“All right, I'll take it in to him.” Hannah stiffly picked up the tray she had carried into the room. “But the minute he leaves, I'm getting your suitcases packed. And if I have to lend you some of my pride, I will, but you'll be gone from this house when he comes back tonight!"
“Oh, Hannah, I adore you,” Amanda declared in a half laugh. “But I'm not leaving today."
“We'll see,” the older woman sniffed, and walked briskly to the door.
Chapter Twelve
THE DOOR CLOSED with a resounding bang behind Jarod as he entered the house, his impatient strides carrying him directly into his study. Tossing the thin briefcase on the leather sofa, he began shifting through the mail on his desk while lean, tanned fingers tugged at the knot of his tie. At the light rap on the door, his cold gaze glittered long enough in that direction to identify the person in the doorway before it returned to its task.
“What do you want, Hannah?” he demanded sharply.
“I was wondering what time you wanted dinner tonight."
“I have an appointment in a half hour, so I won't be eating here. You'll have to check with Mrs. Colby.” He tossed the mail on the desk and made a half turn away from the housekeeper in silent dismissal.
“Mrs. Colby isn't here.” There was the barest ring of triumph in the woman's voice.
Jarod glanced over his shoulder, a slight frown knitting his forehead as his penetrating gaze attempted to detect the reason for that peculiar tone of defiance. “What do you mean—she isn't here?” He challenged her for a more accurate statement.
“I mean she's gone.” The woman's thin nose seemed to pinch together into a narrower line. “And more power to her, I say!"
Jarod appeared to weigh her statement, assessing it and discarding it as he again turned his back on her. “I don't believe you,” he said with marked indifference.
“You don't have to believe me,” the woman declared with a shrug. “But if you look, you'll find her clothes and the baby's are all gone."
For a moment, blazing dark eyes bored the fiery tip of their steel into the unflinching woman before Jarod shoved her out of the doorway and let his long, swinging strides carry him into the master bedroom. A sweeping search confirmed the housekeeper's statement, yet even when the physical search stopped, his gaze moved relentlessly around the room.
“There's no need to worry, Mr. Colby,” Hannah said dryly, her less hurried steps bringing her to the open door. “The only things that are gone are personal possessions. She left the house just as she found it—cold and empty."
“I've had enough of your insolence!” Jarod clipped.
“Have you now?” A sparse brow arched above unblinking eyes as Hannah folded her arms in front of her. “Maybe I should quit and we can see whether or not you miss me. If you want to know where she's gone, she went back to people who care about her and the baby. Her family."
“Why should I care where she is?” His dark head was arrogantly thrown back. “It was only a matter of time anyway, since you seem to be so familiar with my personal life."
“I'm neither deaf nor blind."
&nbs
p; His lips were pressed tightly together to hold back the angry retort. “You may leave, Hannah. As I have other commitments this evening, there's no reason for you to stay."
* * * *
THE RELAXED INTERCHANGE of voices, casually discussing unimportant topics, seemed to insulate Amanda from the pain in her heart. She hadn't realized how strained her nerves were until she had stepped into the loving atmosphere of her parents’ home. Drawing strength from their invisible blanket of security, she was able to match their light-heartedness and reacquaint herself with the joys to be shared because of the baby now being rocked gently in her grandfather's arms.
All of the family had gathered in the living room, including Tobe and Cheryl. The dinner dishes were done and her mother was sitting in the large chair beside Amanda's father, darning a pair of Ted's socks, smiling as she listened to the teasing exchange between Tobe and Brad, who had finally proposed to Cheryl. The slamming of the front door caught everyone by surprise, silencing their voices as they all turned as one to face the hallway.
Jarod's tall frame filled the doorway, a harsh expression etched over his drawn features, a suggestion of pallor beneath the teak brown tan of his face. With the cutting quality of a laser beam, his eyes pierced through Amanda, pinning her to the sofa and not allowing her to move.
The only one not stunned by the aura of explosive anger surrounding him was her mother, who calmly set her darning aside and rose to her feet.
“Jarod, this is a surprise.” The cold glare of his gaze as he brought it to bear on her mother didn't silence her as it was meant to do. “I hope you haven't come to take Amanda home already. Since little David has been born, it's so rarely that she comes to visit us. I couldn't believe our luck when we persuaded her to stay for dinner."
Amanda's heart beat in an uneven rhythm as she watched Jarod stare at her mother, his head drawn back as if her words had caught him by surprise. Then his dark gaze swung on her, relentlessly searching her face while Amanda frowned her bewilderment.
“What's wrong, Jarod?” His continued silence prompted her mother's question.
There was a massive rise of his chest as he breathed in deeply, a hand raised to let his fingers tear through the sides of his hair. His head made a negative movement as if to shake off the demon driving him.
“I'm sorry,” he mumbled, turning away to walk back the way he had come.
Amanda met her mother's questioning gaze with a blank look, but Jarod's abrupt departure brought her to her feet, as confused as the rest of them over his strange behavior. She hurried down the hallway after him, reaching the screen door before it closed behind him and catching him as he reached the top of the porch steps.
“Jarod, what is it?” Her voice slowed his steps, finally halted by the touch of her hand on his arm. “What's wrong?"
In the dim moonlight she saw him glance down at her hand. When he spoke, his voice seemed to come from some deep cavern.
“I'm taking you home, Amanda."
“Of course, but can't you tell me what's wrong?"
She sensed the indecision, something she found difficult to associate with him—Jarod, who was always so positive about what he wanted. He turned very slowly and the light from inside the house illuminated the ravaged pain in his face.
“I believed you'd left me.” He spoke clearly and distinctly, revealing none of the agony that was written in his expression.
“I have neither the strength nor the pride to do that,” she answered with a wistful smile. Then a curious thought fluttered on fragile butterfly wings in her mind. “Why would it matter to you if I did?"
“I deserved that,” Jarod muttered, roughly grabbing her and crushing her against his chest. Beneath her head she felt the strong beat of his heart while he rubbed his cheek against her head. “I didn't believe it mattered. I thought you could leave me and I wouldn't miss you. Until tonight."
Weakly she clung to him, gasping at the unbelievable happiness exploding inside her while tears of joy streamed from her eyes. She had ceased hoping that she could ever mean anything to him.
“My love, my love,” she whispered fervently. “And you thought those things you said to me this morning had sent me away from you?"
“No.” She could feel the shake of his head as he tightened his arms around her, molding her ever closer against his trembling length. “It never seemed to matter how much I laughed at you or scorned the way you felt for me, you always stayed. I didn't think this morning would be any different."
“Then why?” Her head moved back, sending the long coppery hair cascading over the sleeve of his coat. “Why did you think I'd left?"
“Hannah told me you were gone.” His eyes seemed to drink in the radiant glow of her face.
“But she knew I was here. She even phoned me to let me know you wouldn't be home for dinner."
“That scheming witch!” Jarod chuckled, a brilliant light entering his dark eyes. “She's the one who told me you were gone—for good. She even went so far as to remove all your clothes from your room to convince me."
“Oh, no!” Amanda cried with a gasping laugh. “No wonder you thought I'd left. She overheard what you told me this morning and was determined that I leave you. Jarod—” her eyes were shimmering with tears of apology “—I almost did. I was convinced that there was no hope for us, that you could never love me even a little bit."
One corner of his mouth twitched in a deprecating gesture. “I still don't know if what I feel for you is love,” he admitted slowly and grimly. “When I look at you and see how your love for me has never faltered no matter how much I degraded you or mocked you, I tell myself I have to believe that such an emotion exists. All I'm certain of is that I don't want to face tomorrow without you."
“I won't ask for more than that, Jarod,” she murmured, her fingers tracing the sensuous line of his mouth. The months of not touching him suddenly made her desire insurmountable.
“You deserve more than that.” He pulled away from her touch. “You should have someone who will cherish you and thank God every day of his life that he has you."
“But it's you I want.” Amanda smiled. Her hands curled around his neck, dragging his head down to her mouth until she heard him groan before he claimed her lips, his arms swinging her off her feet as he lifted her to a new height of love.
It was many minutes before her feet touched the porch floor, both of them breathing heavily, their faces flushed with the desires they had aroused in each other. For the first time, the intimate touch of his hands exploring her face, neck and shoulders was tender and loving, not driven by animal passion that would end in possession.
“I should have guessed what was happening to me,” Jarod mused thoughtfully, gently folding her in his arms. “That night I met you, at the cotillion, and you refused to let me take you home, I told myself it didn't matter, that you were just another girl. And the next day I found myself at the plantation asking you to have dinner with me. I was going to have that scarlet-haired ghost who had haunted my dreams. When I discovered I had an innocent child, I was furious.” His silent laughter at the thought fanned her hair. “I was determined to forget you existed, that I hadn't felt the yielding of your body at my touch. Then by pure chance I stopped at the mill and I knew you would be the one who would come to pick up your father. But you frustrated me again."
“Then you brought Vanessa to Oak Run and I was so jealous,” Amanda remembered, and Jarod's arms tightened around her in reassurance.
“I don't know whether I was trying to prove to you or myself that you meant nothing. When you agreed to go out with me and I realized how much I disturbed you, I thought I would finally have you and get you out of my system once and for all.” His voice was a low, husky caress. “Then you caught me off balance with your declaration of love and I insisted on having you on my terms or not at all. When we got married, I expected to become tired of you in a few months, but I discovered that I still looked forward to seeing your smile when I walked in t
he door and the darkness of night when I could take you in my arms."
“If that's true, why did you turn away from me?” her puzzled voice queried. “Why did you move to the other bedroom? Because I was pregnant?"
“Partly,” he admitted wryly. “You must remember the scorn I felt for your avowals of love, and I couldn't reconcile myself to the seemingly unquenchable need for you. I thought if I deprived myself of you, the thirst would go away. But the more I denied it, the stronger it became."
“I thought it was David. I thought I had alienated you completely,” Amanda murmured, slipping her fingers beneath his shirt to feel the strong beat of his heart. “I kept hoping that once you saw our baby, you would want him as much as I did."
“I guess you've found out what my childhood was like,” he sighed. “Most of the other children I met experienced the same. I remember how it hurt to be always pushed aside by their mothers and fathers unless they felt like playing the doting parents, which was seldom. I taught myself early not to care for anyone but myself. Then you came along."
“I guess it all was meant to be this way. There were times when I was so ashamed of myself,” Amanda said. “I knew I was letting you trample my heart and my love, and if I was any kind of a human being at all, I should leave you while I still had a little self-respect. But like a faithful dog, I kept coming back no matter how often you whipped me with your scorn."
Jarod suddenly crushed her against him, squeezing her so tightly that she could hardly breathe. “You don't know how it tears at my insides to hear you say that and know it's true.” The admission was drawn through teeth clenched in self-contempt. “Even tonight when your mother made me realize that you hadn't really left me, I was ready to walk away and let you go on believing that I didn't want you. I would have left without ever telling you why I'd come. Still you ran after me, despite those vicious things I said to you this morning. And I knew I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't tell you the way I felt."
She tipped her head back, her lips parting to halt his flow of self-derision. Her breath was caught by the expression on his face. All his arrogance was gone, leaving the tender promise of love everlasting.
