by Erica Lee
Dear Santa: I'm Gay
By Erica Lee
Copyright 2016 Erica Lee
Dedication
This book is dedicated to all those people in my life who showed me so much support and love when I was coming out. I truly don't know how I could have gotten through that time without all of you. I am lucky to have such supportive friends and family.
I'd also like to dedicate this book to anyone struggling with their sexuality today. You are perfect just the way you are and I love you.
Chapter 1: November 25
Dear Santa:
It's been quite a few years since I wrote to you. I do believe my last letter to you was right around this time in 2002, just a few weeks before I found every Santa letter I had ever written stuffed in a desk drawer in my parent's bedroom. Who knew innocently looking for a box of crayons would ruin the magic of Christmas for me until I was a teenager and finally forgave my parents for lying about you.
I know it seems crazy that I am writing to you now that I'm 22 years old, especially since I realize there is nowhere I can actually send this letter (this is definitely not a letter that I want to end up with my parents). But just for a little while, could we pretend that childhood dream shattering day back in 2002 never happened? I feel like I've lost all the magic in my life and, even if it is naive and childish, I just want something to believe in.
But anyway, let me reintroduce myself. My name is Holly James. You probably remember me best as that little girl with curly brown shoulder length hair that was often pulled into curly pigtails (complements of my mom). People say I had sparkling blue eyes and a smile that was contagious on my face filled with freckles. The freckles have now faded. My hair is still brown and right around shoulder length, but I usually straighten the curls out if it. My blue eyes are the one feature I really like about myself, but I don't see the sparkle in them anymore. I'm not sure if people would describe my smile as contagious anymore. I still smile a good amount. I'm not going to act like I have a terrible life. I'm very blessed. I have an amazing family with two wonderful parents, the greatest big brother, a sister-in-law who I see as my true big sister, and the cutest niece and nephew. I just feel like there's pain and insecurity behind the smile now.
I guess I should get to the point of this letter - what I want for Christmas. I want a boy - one that gives me the same feelings I get from girls. Please bring me a boy that I actually want to kiss; I want a guy that I am truly excited to talk to everyday. I want the man who will give me butterflies just by looking at me.
If I'm honest with myself (and you), I think I've been aware of my feelings for girls my whole life. I didn't chase little boys around at recess trying to kiss them and I never fully grew out of the "boys have cooties" phase. It became apparent when I got into middle school and all my friends started talking about the boys they liked. I didn't understand the feelings they were describing. I had never felt that way toward any guys. I did know that I was growing increasingly curious about other girls, but I just figured those were normal feelings most girls get when they find a girl friend that intrigues them. Then high school came and my friends started having physical relationships with guys and I couldn't possibly understand why that was appealing to them.
I didn't understand the need to kiss or touch someone. That was until Abigail Hickle moved to my town junior year of high school. I was instantly pulled to her. She had beautiful blond hair with loose curls that fell perfectly on her shoulders. She was about 5'6", just two inches shorter than me and she had a great body with curves in all the right places. There was something different about her though. She seemed to be just as interested in me. At first I thought I was imagining the subtle flirting and need to always be touching me in some way, like leaning in close when we studied algebra and resting her head on my shoulder. By the beginning of senior year my feelings had grown immensely and I was pretty confident it wasn't one sided. That was all confirmed at the first high school football game of the season when she pulled me behind the bleachers and kissed me. In that moment, I finally understood all the feelings my friends talked about all these years; I finally understood what it meant to love. At that moment though, I pulled away and told her it couldn't happen. We weren't "those type of people" and we needed to just put any feelings we had aside. She told me I needed to just let it be and go with the flow, so I did for the most part. That year I let myself experience the love I had never known before. Of course, I insisted that we keep it to ourselves and constantly reminded her how wrong it was.
Unfortunately, my constant lecturing rubbed off on her and right before we left for college, she told me I was right and this needed to stop. She explained the only way it could was if we took a clean break from each other and stopped talking altogether. She assured me it would be easy since we were going to schools in different states. She was half right. It seemed to be very easy for her. She went to college and never looked back. I was heartbroken and tried calling and texting her every day. I finally got a response near the end of our first semester. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her name pop up on my phone, but the message wasn't what I was expecting.
It read, "I met someone. He is amazing and has shown me what true love is. That's not what we had, so please leave me alone. I never loved you and I never will."
I immediately erased the message and deleted her number from my phone. I couldn't bare the pain that it caused me, but I tried to push that all aside so people wouldn't know I was suffering. If I showed my pain I would have to explain where it came from and I couldn't possibly admit that I was involved in something so wrong.
I thought about Abigail a lot throughout my college career, even while I was trying to date guys here and there. Even in my 4th year, I still think about her now and then. I can't shake the feelings I had when I was with her.
Wow.. what just happened? This note just became a lot longer and more personal than I ever wanted it to be. But long dramatic story aside, please bring me my true love. Abigail found hers, which means there is hope that I can too. Please bring me the guy that will change all these feelings I'm having. It doesn't have to be my soulmate (although that would be nice); I just need someone to prove that I can be normal and love a man like I should.
Just like you got me that tool bench I wanted when I was five, I know I can count on you to get me what I want now.
Sincerely,
Holly
Chapter 2: November 26
Dear Santa:
Sorry for writing you again, but I feel like there is no one else for me to talk to. Normally when I feel alone I pray, but I feel like I can't in this situation. I don't want God to be mad at me. I realize He sees everything (kind of like you), but praying about it makes it so much more real. He knows what is on my heart, so I know He will change me the way He needs to.
I'm so lost right now. My whole life, I have worked at being the best person I could possibly be. I worked hard in school getting all A's through high school and keeping a 3.7 GPA throughout college so far. I try to stay out of trouble and I'd like to think I didn't cause my parents anymore trouble than the average angsty teenager. I truly care about people and have tried my best to always be there for my friends and family. I'm not perfect by any means, but I also would never intentionally hurt anyone (not even my worst enemy). Even with all of that, am I truly a disgusting person because of the feelings I have? It seems like that. I know the world has gotten much more accepting, but there are still many people that I share so many values with who would look at me differently if they knew I had these feelings. I can't imagine what they would think if they knew I acted on these feelings in the past.
I don't even want to think about what my parents would say. They are ultra conservative, and while
they don't go to church every Sunday, they try to go as much as they can (especially around this time of year). I've never really heard them say anything negative about gay people, but I know they disagreed with the legalization of gay marriage. My brother on the other hand is about as liberal as they come. Sometimes I think the only reason he believes what he does, which happens to be the complete opposite of my parents, is to push their buttons. He likes driving them nuts, hence why he was always the trouble maker and I was the angel that arrived 6 years after him. Whatever his reasoning, I would have to think that him and my sister-in-law wouldn't have any problem with the feelings I'm having. I still don't want them to find out though. How would they explain it to my adorable niece and nephew? Would it be hard on them having an aunt like me? They shouldn't have to be subjected to that at such a young age (my nephew is 4 and niece is 2).
This is why I need this Christmas present more than anything. Don't get me wrong. I don't have any problem with people being gay. I support people loving whoever they love, but that's not me. That's just not who I am. I'm a play it safe kind of girl. I don't like causing problems and if having these feelings could cause problems for even one person, it's not what I want. I've never wanted anything more than this. I don't want to feel ashamed of myself anymore. I just want to be happy, truly happy. Do you know how long it has been since I felt that way? Probably my senior year of high school...
Thanks for listening,
Holly
Chapter 3: November 27
Dear Santa,
Today should have been a great day, but all of these thoughts inside of me are eating me alive. It's all I can think about. Even when things are great, there is a feeling in my gut telling me that things are not okay.
Today was our annual trip to the Christmas tree farm a few towns over from mine. It's the day my parents, brother, sister in law, niece, nephew, and I all pile in my parent's mini van and pick out trees together. It's been a tradition since my brother and I were little. We always end the day at our favorite little diner. I was especially looking forward to this part of the day because the diner is in the same town as Dawkins University and they always hire college students to work in order to help them make extra money to afford school. I thought this would give me the perfect atmosphere to scope out my potential Christmas present.
I'm going to start by telling you about the awkward conversations at the Christmas tree farm. This time of year gets my mom really excited about my future (which includes a man). As soon as we got to the farm, she immediately started talking about how nice it will be when I bring a guy along on "our little adventure." As soon as she started, my brother rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. He knew this wasn't going to be her only comment and seemed to be just as annoyed as me. Sometimes I wondered if my brother suspected that I have feelings toward girls. He always tried to change the subject when my mom started talking like this and also hadn't taken on the "protective big brother" role with any of the guys I dated since I was a junior in high school. It was like he didn't feel the need because he knew none of these relationships were serious. These thoughts were interrupted by my mom's questioning.
"Really though Holly, why haven't you found a guy worthy of the Christmas tree tradition? I guess you would have to date someone for more than a month to get to that point, huh?" I shrugged my shoulders hoping she would lay off, but she kept going:
"Just think how nice it will be when you get to bring your own family here. You still want a lot of kids right?"
That's when my brother had enough and finally cut in, "Don't worry about it Holls. You know all we are to her are grandbaby making machines." My sister-in-law jumped to my rescue too. She put her arm around me and said, "No matter what, I think we can all agree that whoever ends up with Holly has to be really special. She deserves nothing less." She squeezed my arm and gave me a wink. My mom must have taken this as a hint and began looking at trees.
My mom was right though. She has such big dreams for me. I can't ruin that for her. She deserves to see her only daughter walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams. She deserves to have a bunch of grandkids to spoil. I would never want to ruin those dreams. The truth is, I have the same dreams as her and I'm not willing to give them up either. I want the white wedding. I want a big family. Would those things ever be possible if I gave into these feelings? It doesn't seem like it. I would have to give up so much if I followed what my heart is telling me. I would rather just give up these feelings instead.
The rest of the day these were the thoughts running through my head. Dinner made the day take a somewhat positive turn though. Just as I hoped, we had a waiter and waitress-in-training who were college students. Our waiter Jeff seems like he could be my potential Christmas present. Luckily it was easy to learn a lot about him since my dad likes to get the life story of everyone he meets. Jeff is pretty tall; I'd say around 6 feet. Maybe closer to 5'10" or come to think of it he could actually be as tall as 6'2". Anyway, that's not important. He has brown hair and a nice smile, along with a fairly muscular build. He has been working at the diner for all 3.5 years of college so far. Come to think of it, I'm surprised I haven't seen him before. Maybe I did and just didn't take much notice. He is majoring in business... or did he say computer science? He didn't mention a girlfriend at all so that is a good sign. The waitress he was training is named Zoe Campbell. I would say she is right around 5'7.5". She has pin straight dirty blonde hair that was pulled back in a pony tail that fell a few inches down her back. She has striking green eyes and dimples that appear every time she smiles, even if it was one of those tiny somewhat uncomfortable smiles she gave when my dad kept asking personal questions. She is an elementary education major about to start student teaching next semester. As of now, she thinks she would prefer to teach middle school because she feels kids are very impressionable at this age and that she could make a big difference in their lives. She is training just to be on the staff until next semester starts so she can earn a little extra cash before student teaching takes up all her time.
Both Jeff and Zoe will be working at the diner through most of December. Jeff needs extra money so he is working all the way through the day before Christmas Eve. Zoe actually grew up in this same town she goes to college in so she will be there throughout the whole month. Not that it matters how long Zoe is around. Jeff is the important one. But I have to say, I do think Zoe and I could potentially be good friends. Something about her gives me that vibe.
It looks like I'll have to convince my parents to come back to the diner a lot once I'm home for Christmas break. It shouldn't be hard since they love it there.
I better head to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow morning to make my 3 hour trek back to school. I have one week of classes, then all my finals got packed into Monday through Wednesday the following week so only a week and a half until I am back home!
I hope how the day ended is more of a sign of how this next month will go than how the day started. Can you make that happen? I hope I'm not asking for too much. This is just a Christmas wish that has been building up for a long time.
Until next time,
Holly
Chapter 4: November 28
Dear Santa,
I had a really hard time focusing in class today. This is starting to consume my thoughts. I'm truly starting to hate myself. I have so many questions. Why me? Why can't I just be normal? Did I do something wrong to deserve these feelings? Am I continuing to make the wrong choices and that's why these feelings won't go away?
I read somewhere that it is not wrong to have same sex attraction, but it is wrong if you act on it. The article I read said you can't change the feelings you have; you just have to learn to control them and live with it. Another article went as far as saying that people who have same sex attraction are the "chosen ones." They aren't meant to fall in love or get married because "God has a higher plan for them." I guess that view is a bit more positive than being an abomination, but it really doesn't make me fee
l any better. I don't want a life where I'm chosen to be alone. I don't even like being alone in my apartment at the few times my roommates have class and I don't. I am also obsessed with love. I can barely get five minutes into a romantic comedy without tearing up. There are some days that I sit around just looking up love quotes hoping that someday I can share them with someone that I love.
There is no way that being alone is the option for me. I refuse to accept that. Maybe it just means I have to settle. Maybe I'm looking too hard for butterflies and fireworks and I just need to be happy with contentment and companionship. I guess I could have given my old boyfriends more of a chance. They were nice guys. At least if my future boyfriend breaks up with me the heartbreak won't be as bad.
Sometimes I think the reason my heart break was so bad after Abigail was to punish me for giving into my feelings for her. I didn't have the willpower to end it with her even when I knew it was wrong. She did have that willpower so maybe that is why she didn't have to get punished for it. I continue to get punished for it every time I realize that I will most likely never experience that love I did in high school ever again. I guess I deserve that though, right? It's my fault for making the mistake of continuing to do something that I knew was wrong.
