by Marie Cole
I exhaled slowly as I knocked on the door, quickly pushing my glasses further up my nose and trying to smooth down my hair. Gah! What the hell was I doing? I shoved my hands into my pockets just as the door opened and Elly was standing there smiling at me. I couldn't help but smile back. It had been too long since I'd seen her smiling at me.
"I was kidding, you know, about Hawaii. I didn't mean to--"
I nodded and looked down, "Yeah, it's fine. Can I come in or are you going to leave me standing out here all night?"
She stepped back, making room for me to pass through the door.
"Thanks," I said as I entered and looked around. It was the same as it had always been and yet it felt different. Weird. Awkward. There was a heavy something in the air, it felt like it was going to crush my chest in.
She looked as awkward as I felt with her hands crossed over her chest and she was swaying like a branch moving in a gusty wind.
"So...I should probably go get everything and bring it down here."
I frowned and shook my head. We always did everything in her room with the exception of our Christmas Eve traditions. I didn't want that to change now.
"No, that's alright." I motioned towards the stairs and her eyes followed. "After you."
She shrugged but her shoulders were tense and only went halfway back down to normal. "Alright." She started up the stairs, the silence thick between us. Halfway up she pulled on the bottom of her shirt, once in the front and once in the back. "So have you started packing yet or are you going to leave that to your mom?"
"Um, I packed the stuff my mom bought for me today, including the new luggage. An early graduation present, she said. I thought I would feel like an adult but it felt more like I was being kicked to the curb."
She laughed a little as she got to the top of the stairs and then turned left towards her room. When we were in her room I sat on her bed and she fumbled with things on her desk, avoiding my gaze. "I'm so excited for you."
I frowned and listened carefully after I thought I heard a sniffle. Her back was stiff and she was still shuffling stuff around on her desk. After a few seconds of listening intently I definitely heard another sniffle.
"Elly, are you crying?"
She shook her head as her hand went to her face. With her back to me I couldn't tell if she was actually crying or not.
"Turn around and look at me then."
She shook her head again, her hands stilling on the desk on top of a bunch of papers. I got up and went over to her quickly. I put my hand on her shoulder for comfort if it turned out that she needed it. My arms ached to hug her but I didn't think it was appropriate for me to do. Jen wouldn't approve and Jake probably wouldn't either.
"Hey. Whatever is going on, you can tell me. We're friends, you know, now and forever."
I felt her shoulder move rapidly under my hand, she was silently sobbing. I bit my lower lip as I debated over what to do. Did I hold her anyway? Did she want me to leave her alone? Should I rub her back or something?
I moved my hand to her back and once it was there she turned and put her face against my chest. My heart was beating like crazy and I felt like I needed to run away but I stayed and gently wrapped my arms around her, mirroring what she did to me.
"Shhh. It's going to be alright. Unless you're dying. Are you dying?"
She chuckled and shook her head, keeping her face hidden from me.
"Good. Then it's going to be alright."
As I held her I felt something stirring inside me. I was holding Elly and she was warm and soft and smelled so good. And she was vulnerable. I felt myself relaxing, and as my mind relaxed I had thoughts of her looking up at me with tear-stained eyes. I had thoughts of her bringing her lips to meet mine.
I swallowed hard as she pulled away enough to look up at me.
"I'm sorry," she murmured so softly that my insides clenched with sadness.
I shook my head to her. "Don't be." I put distance between us before she noticed that I had something unwelcome in my pants. "What's wrong?"
I watched her eyes flick over me and I hoped like hell she didn't catch a glimpse of my semi. "Jake and I broke up."
"Oh. Shit. I'm sorry, Elly. Are you alright?"
She hugged herself and went to sit at her desk, nodding. "Yeah. I'm fine. Because we weren't ever really going out. I only told Jen that we were to try to get her on my good side so she'd stop trying to drive a wedge between me and you."
I frowned as she continued speaking, her eyes on her hands which were fiddling in her lap.
"I'm crying because... because I miss what we had. And I'm sad because I feel like we won't ever have it again. This is us now. Two people living separate lives. And we can't be the way we were because I'm a girl and you're a guy. And despite how we know we feel about each other the people in our lives aren't going to understand that."
I rubbed the back of my neck with my palm nervously. I had the sinking feeling that she was right but I wasn't ready to admit it.
"I was glad when you wanted to get together. Because I just wanted to see you one last time before you jet set across America with your rich, beautiful girlfriend and go to college with her at NU."
"You could still get into NU," I insisted. She shouldn't be giving up on everything.
"It's possible, sure. But we both know that if I haven't gotten a letter by now it's extremely unlikely that I'll get one that says yes."
"Well let's say you don't get in and you stay here. I'll be home for vacations and holidays. I'll still see you."
She nodded but I knew she didn't believe me.
"Elly. Our friendship will only die if we let it."
She nodded again and I felt defeated and angry. She wasn't listening and she was content with giving up. And that wasn't like her, not when it came to me or other things that were important to her, like going to college.
"Say it. Tell me," I demanded.
"We go to the same school now. We live in the same town two streets down from each other and we haven't done a very good job at seeing one another. You have been busy."
She was right. Of course she was right. I was in a relationship and I was pushing everything out of my life for Jen and I'd needed balance. But I'd found it. I was here, wasn't I? But what I saw in her body language was too much for me. She was already closed down.
"So, what? Is this goodbye?" My voice sounded angrier than I'd meant it to. And those words stung more than I thought they would. But her answer stung more.
"Yes. That's what you came here for, wasn't it? One last hoorah before you left? I'm not in the mood to pretend like it's the good old days. It's now. It's these days. These sucky days when we are just two people who used to be friends."
More tears fell from her cheeks but I barely saw them past the blur in my own eyes.
"There's no harm in making more memories."
"I don't need any more. I don't need to remember feeling this way."
I looked away, afraid she'd see what I didn't want to admit to myself. My throat was so constricted I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get words out but somehow I managed.
"Alright. Can I have one last hug at least?"
She was silent for so long as I stood there waiting for her answer.
Shit.
I knew her answer. As I stepped past her she stood up and surprised me with a hug. It was tight, she fit in my arms so perfectly but before I could fully memorize it she pulled away.
"Bye, Kent. I'll be cheering for you when you cross the stage. I'll...I'll see you out."
I blinked back my tears. If ever there was a time to man up and be strong, it was now. Why couldn't I keep it together? I shook my head. "It's okay. I know the way. See ya, Elly." I refused to say goodbye. It wasn't goodbye, damnit. I wouldn't let it be.
Chapter Twenty-Two
ELLY
As I watched him walk away I felt so small. I didn't know what I could've done to keep him. I didn't know how I could've out-shined Jen who was so
unbelievably sparkly and perfect.
When I heard the front door close I crumpled to my bed. The millions of unshed tears flowed into my comforter and soon soaked it, wetting the fingertips that were curling so hard against the fabric.
My heart was breaking in two. My life would never be the same without him. My friend was leaving me. My friend was gone. I wasn't even sure I could call him my friend anymore. The thought crushed me further.
I got off the bed and turned my music on. I didn't want to hear myself cry. I wanted to hear someone else, anyone else. I turned the volume up until I couldn't hear my sobs and then I cried through the entire Metallica album. Memories of Kent replaying through my head over and over again. Memories were all I had now. By the time my mom finally came home my tears were all dried up, the album long since stopped. She didn't say anything as she walked in and put something on my desk. I closed my eyes when the sliver of light from the hallway disappeared, leaving me in the darkness once again. It took awhile but eventually I was too exhausted to stay awake any longer and was blanketed with darkness.
When I woke up in the morning I hugged my pillow to my chest as the evening rolled back into my consciousness. I laid there for a few minutes before getting up, and shuffling to the bathroom. When I came back in I grabbed a ponytail holder from my desk and turned quickly. My chair was untucked and a spear of pain ripped through my foot as I stubbed my toe on the sharp wood corner of my desk chair. My hands went flailing and landed on a thick envelope. The force pushed it onto the floor and after I was done jumping around trying to overcome the shock of the pain I stared at it.
It was addressed to me. It was from NU. It looked big. I felt my breath leave me as I reached down to pick it up. My hands were shaking as I turned it over and slowly opened it. This was it. My future was literally in my hands.
I pulled out the papers and held a hand to my mouth as I read. Oh my god. I'd gotten into NU! I was going to be going to college with Kent! I hugged the papers to my chest tightly, my cheeks hurt from the size of the smile I was sporting. I set my papers on my desk and then went back to bed.
Maybe Jen and Kent wouldn't last forever. And maybe when he was done with her there would be room in his heart for me. Maybe...
Chapter Twenty-Three
Fall 2002 - Junior Year
I glanced around the crowded apartment nervously. Over the summer I'd lost forty of the last seventy-five extra pounds I'd been carrying around with me for most of my adolescent life. I had yet to show anyone, save for my grandmother, whom I'd spent the summer with.
Before leaving the dorm I'd made sure my new dark wash boot-cut jeans hugged my curves tightly and that the black corset did it's job in making my boobs, smaller than average, look hot. But halfway to the party my palms started to sweat. I still wasn't used to having this tiny body. And I wasn't ready for the amount of questions I was going to receive, especially from my skinny acquaintances who were going to want to know my secret, even though they didn't need to know. And it wasn't a secret at all.
Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I shouldn't be showing off just yet. They'd all see me when I returned to classes in a few days and I wasn't really ready to face Kent and Jen. Jen especially. She was going to rub it in my face that she was still with him and I wasn't.
I was about to turn around when a car passed by and honked at me. I braced myself for the usual insult to follow but instead the college guy yelled, "Hey baby!" It was the confidence boost I needed to keep going.
Three steps in I was assaulted with greetings and compliments. I smiled politely and accepted them but I was searching for a certain someone.
I scoped the room, looking for my best friend, wondering how Kent would react now that his long time BFF was not fat or just average but finally super hot. He probably wouldn't even notice but I was eager to find out just the same.
I caught sight of him as he switched back and forth on his feet, chatting amongst a group of guys. I couldn't help the smile that broke out on my face at the sight of him. It looked like all the working out he'd been doing was treating him rather well, the blue and white plaid button down he was wearing stretched across his wide chest and larger than average biceps.
It also appeared he'd had surgery or perhaps he was wearing contacts because those thick glasses that I'd loved so much weren't present. I wouldn't have recognized him if it hadn't been for his uncomfortable expression as he stood amongst the sea of people. I knew that I'd get over his way eventually and didn't rush it. I didn't want to seem over eager to see him. I had to play it cool. That's what hot girls did, wasn't it?
I kept glancing in his direction though, to make sure I didn't lose him, and to see what his face was going to give away the moment he caught sight of my new and improved body.
Kent wasn't looking around much, but one of the guys he was talking to actually pointed at me. Kent followed the guy's finger towards me. He stared at me for a long moment as if trying to solve the puzzle that was the smokin' hot me. He blinked a few times and I swear I saw his lips mutter, "Holy shit..." before his lips broke into a warm smile. The guy who had pointed me out elbowed Kent and nodded with his head in my direction. Kent nodded, went to push up the glasses that weren't on his face and ran his hand through his hair instead.
Smooth. I grinned before looking back to my freshman roommate who was chatting with me about her summer spent in Venice. I was a little jealous hearing about how gorgeous it was but also a little distracted. I was replaying Kent's reaction in my head over and over. Maybe junior year would be my year. Maybe I would finally have the guts to tell him how I felt, how I'd been feeling since middle school. And maybe, just maybe he'd finally see me as a girl, and not just as a plain person.
There had been very little alone time between Kent and I for four years, ever since we'd met Jen, who stopped Kent just before he reached me. She intertwined her fingers with his. I hadn't seen them all summer but there was definitely not a lack of PDA between them.
He gazed lovingly at Jen and offered her a smile. Kent must have been talking about me because he pointed at me near the end of whatever it was he was saying. I quickly looked away and pretended I wasn't watching them. Suddenly I felt extremely self-conscious and the urge to bolt grew stronger.
I pushed those feelings away as I waited for them to reach me. I turned and smiled at them both after saying parting words to my friend. My eyes found, first Kent, my smile not nearly as warm as before, and then Jen.
"Hey guys!" I pointed at Kent, but spoke to Jen, "I barely recognized him without his glasses."
I didn't feel comfortable giving Kent a direct compliment so I had to refer to him in third person, to his girlfriend, right in front of him. Jen had a way of making me feel as if I threatened her relationship that she was going to utterly destroy my entire existence. It was pretty scary in high school, especially with me being the fat girl and her being the new rich, popular girl.
Jen grinned as she moved over and gave me a big hug. "I know. I told him he shouldn't have because the glasses added character."
Kent shook his head. "You didn't have to wear the glasses, Jen." He sounded slightly annoyed, but it soon faded as he looked at me. "You look good, Elly."
I nodded as I looked at him. I looked good. Good? Was that good or bad? Average? Did he notice my boobs in this top?
Kent didn't get to say any more because Jen followed right after him. "Yeah, Elly. You look amazing. Did you lose like a hundred pounds or something? I can actually see your collarbones." Jen was trying to be nice in her way, which wasn't very. She reached out and traced the bones that were once hidden by fat.
I shrugged off the sting of her words after briefly looking over Kent's hardened form. God how I itched to reach out and touch him. His biceps looked much bigger than they last Thanksgiving when I'd seen him. But I knew that would be an unwelcome touch and completely inappropriate given that his girlfriend was standing right next to him.
I swallowed back my lusty feelings and
forced my smile a little brighter as I clenched my fists and crossed them over my chest, tucking them into my elbows to try to hide the possible give away that I wanted to punch Jen. "Yeah... So, are you guys on campus or off campus this year? I'm on campus in the Goodman dorm. A single. I was so stoked."
Kent shook his head and smiled just enough to erase the frown off his face. "I'm on campus in a triple and Jen is off-campus." Jen was smiling, probably reveling in the fact that her parents could afford to house her off campus while the rest of us had to man up and live like poor college students we were.
I smiled, trying to make it as genuine as possible. "That's great! Which apartment building?" I could see that Kent was about to speak but Jen butted in.
"I'm just off Polk Street like a hundred feet from campus."
"That's so great! I'd love to come by and see it sometime. If I'm invited, of course." I inwardly cursed myself as I glanced between them. I hadn't wanted to look at him! But it was done now and I wasn't sure if I was relieved to see that he didn't look very happy or not. It was probably just because Jen was taking over the conversation.
Jen smiled and nodded her head. "Yeah, I know Kent is officially in the dorms this year but I'm sure he'll be over all the time. He has his own dresser and everything. And we stay pretty busy, but I'm sure we can find time to have you over."
"Well...that would be great." Another friend of mine grabbed my elbow and smiled, letting me know she wanted to chat. I looked at Kent and Jen and smiled, pointing over my shoulder. "I should go. It was great seeing you guys, though. Call me, Jen, and let me know when I can get the tour."
I smiled and then waved at them. I didn't give them a chance for much of a goodbye before my friend was looking over me and screaming, "Oh my god! You look great! I hardly recognized you! What's your secret?!"
