by Marie Cole
Kent: Thanks for the bag.
Me: You're welcome.
Kent: Is your mom okay?
Me: She's not doing well. I'm going to look after her and we will come visit tomorrow. Tell Jen I said hi.
When he didn't respond immediately I tossed my phone into my purse. With the stereo as loud as it would go without deafening me, I drove home to my mother.
* * *
My puffy eyes strained to open the next morning as my phone chirped. I grabbed it and held it close to my face to get a good look.
Kent: Mom is awake.
I set the phone down and sighed. I was happy and at the same time dreading having to face him, especially if Jen were still by his side. I padded down the hallway and opened my mom's door. My mother was topless, her back to the door, and there was a man under her.
I screamed and turned tail and ran into my room, slamming the door. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Jesus, I was glad she was getting out there but, why couldn't she have kept it under wraps while I was staying with her. I was picking things up off the floor to distract myself when a knock sounded at my door. "Elly, dear?"
"Mom, it's fine! I'm fine! I just... Kent's mom is awake, I thought you might want to know!" I yelled through the door, I couldn't face her right now either. Trauma all around the past couple of days; how tragic.
"Are you coming to the hospital with me?"
"Um... No, maybe you could take... Whoever was in your bed. I need to work this afternoon."
She paused for a moment and then said, "Alright. Make sure you stop by tonight after your shift is over, Kent will appreciate it."
What did she know about what Kent would appreciate or not? Jen was probably still there, keeping him company, holding his hand, weaseling her way back into his life.
After I knew that my mom and her beau, who I had to admit was kind of a looker for an old man, were gone, I got into the waiting taxi and went to work.
It was busy, but it kept my mind off of everything that was going on. I checked my phone on my walk home, but there were no messages or missed calls waiting for me. I sighed, disappointed. And then I chastised myself for hoping that he was going to text or call me. He was off-limits, like always, and I had to get over it. I had to get over him. How the hell was I going to do that? I wasn't sure, but I was going to figure it out. I was going to start by avoiding him. Christmas was around the corner and I had to be sure that I wasn't going to be at home.
I dialed the phone and formulated my escape plan. "Hey, Rio. I want to take the band on a mini-vacation-slash-paying-gig for Christmas. Do you think you could swing some free time?"
Chapter Eighty
The Christmas trip to New Orleans turned into a longer retreat for me. I loved the nightlife, the people, and especially the music. Night after night I'd go to a jazz club and listen and admire. Stacy had stayed with me for a few weeks. She had time off and decided that she couldn't leave me alone in a strange city heartbroken. It was so nice to feel so young and light again. No responsibilities. No drama. No boys, not for me anyway.
Kent hadn't called me. Night after night I'd dreamt about him but I knew that it wouldn't work out between us. Eventually he'd hurt me. And I wasn't sure I'd be able to recover if I'd given him all of myself for any real length of time.
Stacy was getting dressed to go out and cursed in the bathroom. "Elly! I'm out of tampons. Do you have any?" I frowned as I dug into my suitcase. I grabbed the unopened box and walked to the bathroom door with it. I opened the door and stuck my arm through and then paused as the thought struck me. I'd forgotten.
I'd forgotten to take the morning after pill after Kent and I had... Stacy grunted as she removed the box from my hand. "Thanks. How many did you bring?? This one isn't open yet."
I closed the bathroom door and went onto the balcony before the urge to throw up won out. Shit. Shit, shit. This was not in the plan. This was not happening to me. I mentally counted backwards.
No.
Seven weeks since my last period. It had been five weeks since we'd found out about his mother. I leaned over the railing and looked down at the street. People were walking, some drunk already despite it being just past the dinner hour. Had I been drunk? Yes. A few times. I put my hand on my stomach and released a long breath. Couldn't do that anymore, could I? I closed my eyes. I had to keep the baby. It wasn't even a choice in my mind. It was Kent's. Mine and Kent's. It was probably the only thing I'd ever have to remind me of him when he got back together with Jen. Or got over the rebound sex we'd had and moved onto another woman.
Stacy's voice cut through my thoughts. "Elly?" When I didn't turn around or respond she came close to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. She was quiet for a moment and then stepped back. "Is it Bryan's?"
Tears pricked at my eyes. Was that possible? No. I shook my head.
"Who then? Ohhh," it dawned on her and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders again and hugged me softly. "This could be a good thing."
I shook my head, "No. There is no way this could be a good thing." I thought about losing the baby and I immediately backpedaled. "I mean for Kent and I. For our relationship. The baby will be a good thing, of course."
"Do you want to stay in tonight?"
I nodded. "I'm sorry."
She smiled and shrugged. "It's okay. We're leaving in the morning, we should pack anyway."
"I can't... I can't go back yet."
She was quiet for a few minutes, a look of pity on her face that slowly turned into something resembling my mother. "You can't run away from your life. The baby is going to come before you know it. And you're going to want the support of your family and friends."
She was right, of course, it would be extremely hard to care for a baby on my own. But I needed more time. More time to figure out exactly what I wanted to do. "I won't hide in New Orleans forever, I promise." I smiled. "Let's get some dinner and then we can pack your stuff."
Stacy looked hesitant, but reluctantly agreed.
February passed by without much consequence other than the confirmation by a pee stick that I was, in fact, pregnant. I stared at the phone every time I'd looked at it and my finger itched to dial Kent's number. But the sinking feeling in my chest prevented me from doing it. The phone worked two ways and he hadn't called me, either. New Orleans wasn't the same without someone else there to distract me from my life, so I finally flew home.
After returning home I'd buckled down and worked harder on getting gigs for the band. I knew that waiting tables and doing music was not going to happen once the baby finally arrived and I refused to give up the music. The nights when I wasn't performing with the band I was doing solo performances. I needed to build my buffer back up. Maternity leave wasn't put in place because corporate America was nice. No, it was put in place for a reason. I figured I'd be too busy with a newborn to do much more than eat, take care of baby and sleep.
It had been three whole months since I'd seen or heard from Kent. Stacy hadn't said anything about my secret and neither had I. I wasn't ready to tell anyone that I'd already failed my child with a lack of a daddy. I'd even stayed away from my mother just in case she might notice and say something. I wasn't ready to confess. Not until I knew for sure what I wanted from Kent.
What if he had finally figured out that I had been right? And that I had been a rebound? What if he was dating someone new now? What if he was happier without me and he hadn't called because he hadn't thought about me? These questions were constantly in my brain.
After the show one night Stacy looked at me and shook her head. "You're pitiful, Elly."
"Excuse me?" I scoffed. I looked around to see if anyone else had overheard. No one had.
"You are just a big ball of angst. You need to go see Kent."
"Ha. No. That's the last thing I need. We wouldn't work, Stacy. I've told you this." I couldn't meet her eyes. I just stared at my water as I sipped it, wondering when Rio and James were going to come over so she'd just
be quiet about the whole thing.
"Do you love him?"
I didn't need to think about it, but I needed a minute to decide if I wanted to admit it. "Yes."
"And he loves you, Elly. What more is there to work out? Pain is a part of life. But so is happiness and you're missing that part because you're being a scaredy-cat."
I stared at her as I digested what she'd said. I watched as Rio came up behind her and nuzzled his nose against her neck. She closed her eyes and melted into his touch. They were so sweet together, had been that way since they'd met nine years ago. They were the exception to the love thing, weren't they? I pulled my eyes away from them and their gushy feelings for each other.
They had been through a lot. Lots of fights and tears and misunderstandings but they were still together. They still loved each other. I wondered if Kent and I could have the same thing. There was only one way to find out. My phone vibrated, and showed me an e-vite for Mrs. Lytle's birthday party. I sighed as I stared at the picture of Kent with his arm around his mother from my lap. I had to go. And I had to confess. It was time they all knew.
* * *
Two weeks later when I arrived there, I wasn't the least bit surprised to see only two other cars in the driveway. No doubt Kent's mom had arranged to have family celebrate separately from her other friends and acquaintances. She enjoyed the close, intimate celebrations.
I closed the taxi door and held the pink wrapped present to my chest. I'd gone to the maternity store last week to pick out something that would hopefully hide my current state. My breasts had grown to double their size, and I wasn't sure if that was working for or against me. James had certainly been staring more than usual, had even asked if I'd gotten a boob job, to which I responded with a punch on his arm.
Before I could reach the front stoop the door opened and my mother came out. She stopped just before running into me. "Elly! You're here." She held up her cellphone, "I was just about to come outside to call you." She smiled, her face so comforting and familiar. I looked down so I wouldn't start bawling right there.
"I'm here, Mom. No worries." She grabbed the present and then wrapped an arm around me, ushering me inside.
"Mary wants to do the cake first thing. Silly woman says that if she dies suddenly she wants the dessert to already be in her stomach."
Inside I looked around, nothing had really changed save for the banner across the living room archway that read,"Happy Birthday." I spotted Kent in the kitchen, he was setting the candles on the cake. My breath left me and my mouth watered, he was dressed up in a black-button down and dark jeans.
My mom noticed the staring and gently pushed me towards the kitchen. "He'd love some help, I'm sure."
I nodded and approached slowly. He didn't hear me until I spoke, "Hello, stranger," at which point he lifted his head, his eyes taking me in slowly.
He looked back to the cake after he'd had his fill. "Hello." The warm Kent, the one I'd known most of my life was absent. This Kent was cold, and guarded.
"Can I do anything to help?"
He chuckled dryly. "No. I've got it handled."
I stood there awkwardly for a minute, my hands on the edge of the counter. I nodded when he didn't look up again.
"Okay, well--"
"Don't, Elly. Don't try to make small talk with me. Don't try to bridge the gap now."
My heart fluttered and then tanked. "I'm sorry?"
He looked up, a frown on his beautiful face. "Are you? I don't think you are. I needed you and you weren't there for me. What kind of a friend are you, Elly? You've made me realize that all I was, all I ever would be, is a conquest, a way to feel better than Jen."
It was my turn to frown, "It looked like Jen had it covered. You never asked me to come so I figured you didn't need me there."
He shook his head and looked back to the cake, shutting me out. "You should've come anyway."
I felt the tears pricking at my eyes, burning to be released, I blinked them back. "You're right. I should have. I'm sorry."
"It's too late now." When I didn't move he looked up at me again. "Why are you still here? You want to go have a fuck in the bathroom real quick so you can feel better about yourself? About us?"
His words stung me and the tears started to fall. I shook my head and wiped at my eyes. "No." I hurried to the bathroom.
I turned the water on to hide the sound of my sniffling. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. He was right to say those things. I deserved them. But he was only seeing his side of the story. He couldn't see what I saw. If he didn't want to be a part of my life or the baby's life then it would be fine. Everything was going to be fine. And once it was out there I could stop obsessing over it. I blotted at my tears and inhaled deeply. It was time to tell everyone. I needed to be strong for the baby.
Mary, Kent's mom, lit up when she saw me walk into the dining room. "Elly's here! Kent, light the candles." Mary had a walker beside her. My mother told me that the doctors told Mary she'd never walk again, but she'd proved them wrong.
I offered the room a small smile as I sat down at the table. The lights lowered and Kent brought the cake to his mother. His eyes never moving to me.
After cake we went into the living room to watch as Mary opened her presents. She received a Kindle from my mother, because she was a voracious reader now. Deeper inside the box was a pouch that would hold the reader on her walker so she'd have a way to carry it with her wherever she went.
Kent's gifts were next. She lifted the tissue from the small bag and pulled out a couple of gift cards for her Kindle, and a beautiful peacock-blue silk scarf. She teared up a little and hugged Kent tightly.
He returned the hug with vigor and kissed her cheek before sitting back in his seat, looking quite content with himself.
I swallowed hard as she picked up my gift. She smiled at me as she started to tear the wrapping from the box. I rubbed my sweaty palms nervously on my knees as she opened the box. Inside was a pink sweatshirt that read, "Blessed to be a Grandma." And beneath that was a framed sonogram picture.
Chapter Eighty-One
Mary looked at me, surprise clearly evident in her face. Kent looked confused as he took the sonogram his mother handed to him. My mother was trying hard to look at what was being passed over but she couldn't see.
"Oh my god! Kent, how could you keep this from me??" Mary put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed as he digested the information.
It was finally my turn to speak up. I stood up and went to Mary, kissing her cheek. "Congratulations, Grandma." I smiled as she kissed my cheek in return, shock still evident on her face. I heard my mother gasp as the words left my mouth.
"Congratulations to you two. I didn't know you two were--" Mary said, nodding between us.
"We aren't. He didn't know until now." I glanced at Kent, his face was pale, this was a lot to take in. "But even though we aren't together I fully expect that you will be seeing a lot of your grandchild." I smiled and moved to my seat.
Before I could sit down Kent's eyes found mine.
"We need to talk. Now."
I nodded, "Excuse us." I followed him upstairs to his room, I could hear the chatter between our mothers.
When I looked up I saw Kent pacing, his hands behind his back. "Shut the door, please."
I closed the door and pressed my lips together, not that he noticed, he was deep in his own thoughts. I waited, leaning against the door and watching as he paced the room. I could see his mind turning, his thoughts gathering. I wasn't sure I was ready for what was to come.
"I'm trying to figure out how to process this..."
Thank God. If he wasn't ready to talk I could stop leaning against the door, waiting for his wrath. Certainly, wrath is what he'd be feeling.
I cleared my throat, "Well, you can take all the time you need and when you're ready I can come back--"
"No." His eyes whipped around to me, pinning me to the door. "So you knew for month
s, and then you come by and drop this kind of thing off? I should have known earlier, you should've told me earlier."
I swallowed hard and let my eyes drop to the ground, "I didn't tell anyone. I didn't exclude solely you."
He exhaled and went to his bed. He put his hands in his lap after he sat down. "Is that why you haven't called or been around?"
"No, not because of that."
Our mothers, downstairs, erupted into a loud fit of laughter. I jumped, surprised at the sound of it. My eyes went to Kent but he wasn't paying the noise any attention.
"Why then?"
"Because..." I trailed off and paused, gathering my own thoughts. Should I tell him the truth or lie? "Because that night, when we found out about your mom, I let you in again. And when I saw you with Jen it just--it just brought everything back. And when you didn't text me from the hospital to ask me to come, I..." No, he didn't need to know the gory details. I stopped myself.
"She was there and I told her to go home. She wanted to stay after you dropped my bag off, but I didn't let her. All I hoped was that you'd come back with my bag and we'd be the ones staying with my mom there. It was a big blow that you'd just left."
I shrugged my shoulders, "It's moot now. We... I am going to be having your baby."
I watched as the muscles in his jaw tightened. "I like how you forced me out of that."
I pressed my lips together, resisting the urge to fly off the handle. "I'm giving you the chance to say whether or not you want to be involved. But if you'd rather I take it back and continue to ignore you then," I paused and pushed myself off the door as he got up from his bed and came towards me.
"You already know the answer to that question."
"No, I don't. Downstairs it came off pretty clearly that you didn't want anything to do with me." I held his pinning gaze, my hands curling into defensive fists at my sides.
