by Jeff Kinney
sometimes he makes an appearance by webcam, like
he did at Great Grandpa Chester’s funeral.
whattya
say, blue?
sniff
193
The last people to arrive were Uncle Gary and his
fiancee, Sonja. She seemed nice enough, and I
guess they’re pretty crazy about each other from
the way they were acting.
Unfortunately, I had to sit right next to them
at the dinner table and find out firsthand.
Dad told us on the way down that Sonja was kind
of sensitive about the fact that Uncle Gary was
married before, so we shouldn’t bring it up.
Apparently, Sonja told Uncle Gary that he was
gonna have to get the tattoo on his left arm
removed because it had his last wife’s name on it.
kiss
smooch
194
But I guess it costs a lot of money to get a
tattoo removed, so Uncle Gary just added some
extra words instead.
Lydia
i am not
in love with
Lydia
anymore
195
At least Sonja didn’t make Uncle Gary change the
tattoo on his OTHER arm. That’s the one he got
after he ate the three-pound Monstrilla Burger
at Dan’s Diner in one sitting. And you have to
admit, that’s pretty impressive.
Like I said, just about everyone in the family
showed up, and even though Gammie has a big
house, some people had to share a room.
Whenever we stay at Gammie’s, I always get
grouped with the people Gammie calls “the
Bachelors,” which means every male who’s not
married yet.
I ATE
THE
monstrilla
burger
196
This is not a group I’m real eager to share a
room with, ESPECIALLY since there are only
two beds in Gammie’s guest room. That means some
of us have to double up and the rest have to sleep
on the floor.
the bachelors
man, your
feet are
cold!
197
Uncle John used to be one of the Bachelors,
but he got married last spring. I’m starting to
wonder if maybe he got married just so he wouldn’t
have to sleep in there with the rest of us.
It was hard falling asleep with all those people
snoring away in the same room with me, so
eventually I picked up my stuff and looked for
somewhere else to spend the night.
ahhh…
zzzzzz
tick
tock
drag
198
The only place I could find was the bathroom
next to Gammie’s room, so I put my blanket and
pillow in the tub and made myself a bed. It wasn’t
comfortable, but at least I had some privacy.
Luckily, when Gammie came in this morning for her
bath, I woke up in the nick of time.
After that near disaster, I was up for the day.
And it was a really long day, too, because the
rehearsal dinner wasn’t until 7:00 at night.
But at least I knew I had the party with the
groomsmen to look forward to after that.
i’m in here!
i’m in here!!!
yank
untie
untie
199
The problem with these family gatherings is that
they’re not really geared toward kids. So if you
don’t like to drink tea and gossip with the ladies,
you’re sort of out of luck.
And everything in Gammie’s house is old-person
stuff, so there’s nothing for a kid to entertain
himself with. I complained to Mom a few years
ago, and she bought some Legos to keep at
Gammie’s house. But Gammie glued them together
in one big block because she didn’t like the little
pieces all over the place.
200
Besides that, there’s not a whole lot for a kid
to enjoy at Gammie’s. She DOES have some hard
candy in a jar on her mantel, and last year I
had a few pieces. But the candy tasted AWFUL.
It was really chewy, like bubble gum.
I ended up getting really sick and had to lie
down on the couch for a few hours.
It turns out the candy in that jar is REALLY old.
chew
chew
groaan…
201
In fact, Dad said that same candy was there
when HE was a little kid. And he even found a
picture in Gammie’s photo album to prove it.
Speaking of pictures, Gammie really needs to update
the ones she’s got on her mantel. She has a photo
of every single person in the family, and the one
of me and Rodrick is from when we went to Santa’s
Village about eight years ago.
I keep meaning to throw that picture away when
no one’s looking, because that’s just the kind of
thing that’ll crop up when they do my celebrity
biography later on.
Little Frankie
enjoys a sweet
202
All the furniture in Gammie’s house is old, too,
and apparently it’s really valuable. I’m sure there’s
gonna be a big fight over who gets what once
Gammie passes away. In fact, people have already
started putting sticky notes on the furniture to
get a head start.
Season’s Greetings
Mary
Donna
Peg
203
Sunday
I think that’s pretty disrespectful to Gammie.
But I admit there are one or two items I’m
hoping to snag for myself.
During the wedding rehearsal last night, I kept
thinking Uncle Gary was gonna take me aside and
tell me where the bachelor party was gonna be,
but it didn’t happen.
Then I looked at the wedding program and saw
my name at the bottom.
Ring Bearer/Flower Boy ………. Manny Heffley
Assistant Flower Boy …………. Greg Heffley
Please, no flash photography in the church.
Greg
204
I tried to get out of it and turn my assistant
flower boy duties over to Benjy, but Mom said
he was a reader this year, and besides, me and
Manny had matching white tuxedos.
So while Rowley was having a blast at Jordan
Jury’s party, I was holding a basket filled
with rose petals for Manny. And I noticed
Rodrick was taking a bunch of pictures, so I’d
be surprised if he hasn’t already uploaded them
by now.
After the wedding ceremony, we went into the
hall where the food was being served.
Flash
Toss
205
But before we started eating, Uncle Gary’s best
man, Leonard, stood up and gave a toast.
Leonard said he had a really funny story about
Uncle Gary and Sonja from when they were dating
and he wanted to share it with everyone. He said
that a couple of months ago, Uncle Gary took
breaking up with her because he wanted to start
dating her sister instead.
But before Uncle Gary could have the breakup
talk with Sonja, a plane flew across the sky with
a banner behind it.
marry me sonja?
206
Leonard said there must’ve been some OTHER guy
in the stadium with a girlfriend named Sonja. But
Uncle Gary’s Sonja reacted before he had a chance
to say anything.
Leonard said Uncle Gary wanted to explain that
it was all just a misunderstanding, but he was too
afraid that the guys in the seats around them
might beat him up if he let Sonja down. So Uncle
Gary decided to go along with it. At first I
thought Leonard’s story was just a joke, but Uncle
Gary wasn’t exactly jumping out of his chair to say
it wasn’t true.
yes!
yes!
heh
heh!
207
Anyway, I have a feeling we’ll be back next year
for Uncle Gary’s FIFTH wedding.
After the reception, our family went back to
Gammie’s house to get changed. I was gathering
up my stuff when Dad walked into the room and
said Gammie wanted to talk to me. At first I
couldn’t figure out why Gammie wanted to speak to
me in private, but then I realized I was about to
get “the Talk.”
When I walked down the hallway to Gammie’s
sitting room, I was a little nervous, but I was
also kind of excited. Gammie’s been around the
block about a million times, and I figured she’s got
a lot of wisdom stored up. And to be honest with
you, these days I could really use some.
208
I walked in and shut the door behind me. Gammie
was sitting in a fancy chair, so I sat across from
her. Once I got settled, Gammie started talking.
Gammie told me that most kids my age are in a
big rush to grow up but that if I was smart,
I’d enjoy the ride while it lasts.
Now, I’ve heard this same speech from Mom
and Dad about a billion times, so I was kind of
disappointed by where this was all heading.
But Gammie wasn’t finished. She said I was
getting ready to enter “the Awkward Years” and
that my lips were gonna get all puffy and my skin
was gonna get bad and my head was gonna look
too big for my body until my junior or senior year
of high school.
209
Then she said I shouldn’t let anyone take my
picture for the next few years, because I’d regret
it if I did. She told me she gave the same advice
to people like Dad and Uncle Gary and Uncle Joe,
but they didn’t listen to her.
But Gammie STILL wasn’t done. She told me that
getting older is no walk in the park and that
getting to be her age REALLY stinks.
Then she started talking about “hemorrhoids” and
“shingles” and a bunch of other stuff I’d never
heard of before. I guess she could tell I was
confused, so she started rolling down a sock to
show me what she was talking about.
uncle
gary
uncle
joe
dad
210
That’s when I excused myself and quickly left the
room. I’m glad I got out of there before Gammie
decided to take off any more clothes.
A half hour later we packed up our things, got
in the car, and headed home. I was just happy
the weekend was over. I love my relatives and
all, but there’s only so much family togetherness
I can take.
It was a drag going back to school today,
because it seemed like everyone went to Jordan
Jury’s party, and of course that was all anyone
wanted to talk about.
roll
roll
hey! poopy
diaper here!
Monday
211
Walking through the older kids’ hallway was
the WORST.
I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t go. I found
out the reason Jordan invited kids in my grade
was to basically use them as servants.
you remember
the mustard?
and the
sprinklers?
and the baby
pool and the
chocolate
syrup?
ha ha ha
ha ha!
can we at
least dip our
feet in?
no, but you
can go get us
some more
sodas!
har har
har!
Tonight on the news they announced the
winner of the Peachy Breeze Kid contest, and
unfortunately I didn’t get picked. But I do
know the kid who DID.
It was Scotty Douglas, who lives right down the
street. Don’t ask me why they picked him, because
he couldn’t even get the slogan right in the audition.
But the people at Peachy Breeze should’ve done
their research, because if they saw Scotty’s older
brother, they might’ve thought twice.
peachy
bweeze
is willy
neat.
lick
213
Last night Mom said now that her first semester
of school is over, she’s going to put her academic
career “on hold” for a while and spend more time
with the family. I can’t tell you how happy I
was to hear that. I’m glad things will finally be
getting back to normal around here.
In fact, that’s been the whole problem this year.
There’s been a lot of change all of a sudden, and
I really liked things the way they were BEFORE.
People like Dad and Uncle Joe have been getting
on my case to act more responsible and start
getting serious about my future. But the truth is,
I think I’m more of an Uncle Gary kind of guy.
good to
have you
back!
dump
214
Tuesday
I guess I’m just not in a big rush to grow up
right now. And after Gammie showed me what’s in
store over the next few years, I think I’m gonna
take her advice and hang on as long as I can.
Speaking of things getting back to normal, I
decided it was time for me and Rowley to put
the past couple of months behind us and get our
friendship back on track.
Me and him have a really long history together,
and there’s no point in throwing that away over
something dumb.
wooo-
hoooo!
215
And to be honest with you, I can’t even
remember what we were fighting about.
So after school today I went up to Rowley’s
house to see if he wanted to hang out. He was so
happy to see me that it was kind of embarrassing.
Rowley asked me if we’d be “best friends forever,”
and he gave me half of this
matching locket he’s
always tried to get me to wear.
BEST
FRIENDS
216
I told him I wasn’t gonna wear the locket,
because it’s meant for girls. But really, it’s that
“forever” word that makes me nervous. I told him
maybe we could just take it one month at a time,
and he seemed pretty satisfied with that.
I’ll say one thing, though. Rowley must’ve grown
a full inch and a half since the summer, so who
KNOWS how tall this kid is gonna be.
I figure it’s a good idea for me to stick with him,
at least until we get to high school. Because if he
keeps growing at this rate, Rowley’s gonna be a
good person to have at my side.
were you
saying
something,
fellas?
rowwley…
angry!!!
217
