by Alice Oseman
I touch his arm. “Hey.”
He looks at me and takes a sip of the vodka lemonade he just made. “Hm?”
“You okay?”
He nods a little too enthusiastically. “Yeah. Fine. Why?”
I shake my head. “You just seem sort of on edge.”
He looks away again and pours a drop more vodka into his drink. “Oh. Just… a bit stressed because of revision… just been in a bad mood today…”
This seems like a reasonable explanation, I guess. Then again, Charlie could lie for Britain – he lies to loads of people. He lied to people at school for months about his anorexia. He lies to his parents sometimes when he wants to go out somewhere with me but isn’t sure they’d let him. He lies to Mr Shannon to avoid becoming unpopular with other students. To be fair, he hardly ever lies to me, but occasionally I can tell that he’s saying something just because he doesn’t want to bother me. I think this might be one of those times.
He takes another sip. His eyes dart around the room. “Best Coast,” he says.
“What?”
“The music. It’s Best Coast.”
I hadn’t even clocked that there was music playing in here. I try to think of something to say but he beats me to it.
“We should get drunk.”
I chuckle. “I’m driving.”
“Oh. That’s boring.”
“You get drunk.”
“I plan to.”
“D’you think we should actually socialise first?”
He pours a glass of lemonade and hands it to me. “Mm, fine.” He steps close to me, so close I almost think he’s going to go in for a kiss right here in front of the people chatting and drinking around us, but instead he just gazes up at me beneath dark hair with icy eyes, smirking slightly, the tease of a dimple in one cheek, letting loose everything that made me physically attracted to him in the first place. I’m half confused and half extremely aroused.
“Nick,” he says, so low and quiet I probably wouldn’t have heard it had I not been staring at his lips.
I let out a nervous laugh but don’t really know what to say. We’re not exactly averse to public displays of affection, but we’re never like this when other people are around. What is he trying to do?
“I want a drunk hook up in the bathroom later,” he murmurs, and then he walks off before I have the chance to answer him.
CHARLIE
I am aware that I am combatting my feelings about Nick going to university by a) refusing to talk about it and b) flirting with him so hard it’s actually embarrassing, but honestly, I’m this close to punching the next person who even uses the word ‘university’ in a sentence. I have not punched anyone yet in my life, but it’s never too late to start.
Oh, and c) I am getting drunk.
Very drunk.
It doesn’t take a lot to get me drunk, which is extremely useful for situations like this, where Year 13s are everywhere and no one will shut up about leaving school and prom and summer and university and I just want to go home.
I stay away from Nick as much as possible because hearing him talk about it is the worst part of all of it.
I am a terrible person.
It’s eleven o’clock now and I’ve lost count of how many vodka-lemonades I’ve had, and I’m having to stay seated on an armchair next to Tao in the conservatory because standing up is proving quite difficult at the moment. There isn’t really enough room for both of us on the armchair and my leg is sort of going numb because Tao is slightly sitting on it, but he’s too engrossed in talking about something or other, I don’t know, I’m not really paying attention—
“Have you and Nick talked about it?” he says, snapping me out of my daze, but it’s still like I’ve got cotton wool in my ears and nothing that’s happening is actually happening.
“What? I wasn’t listening.”
Tao grins at me. He always seems more like his eccentric self when we’re outside of school. Tonight he’s wearing a stripy shirt that was probably intended for a significantly overweight businessman, with rolled-up green trousers and his signature red beanie. He genuinely does think he belongs in a Wes Anderson film.
He throws his arms around me and rests his head on mine. “Aw, you’re such an adorable lightweight. I’m glad we’re not leaving school this year.”
“If one more person mentions leaving school, I’m literally going to cry.”
He pats my cheek. “There, there. It’ll all be fine. You’re Nick and Charlie, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know what that means,” I say.
NICK
Everyone is talking about uni.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited for something, or so ready. And everyone else going to uni seems to agree. It’s the start of freedom. Doing things because we chose to do them. Finally being treated as adults.
But I get that, like, Charlie might not want to talk about it all the time. I mean, he’s still got a year of school left.
But it gets to eleven and Charlie is definitely avoiding me. Normally we stick pretty close together at parties, and considering how he was acting earlier… well, I’m a bit confused, if I’m honest.
I find him curled up in an armchair with his friend, Tao. I say hi to Tao and exchange pleasantries but can see Charlie staring at me. I crouch down next to the armchair so our eyes are level. His are unfocused and he’s blinking a lot – he’s pissed, all right. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” he snaps, with an irritated grin. “God, you don’t need to, like, check up on me every second, Jesus Christ.”
I feel myself recoil. Charlie hasn’t snapped at me like that for months. What the hell have I done?
I stand up again. “All right. Fine. No need to shout at me.”
He looks away. “I wasn’t shouting.”
“Yeah.” I turn around and go to leave the conservatory, but not fast enough that I don’t hear Tao say to Charlie, “What’s going on?”
CHARLIE
It’s midnight and I’m in the basement, where almost everyone’s come to dance, hoping that the blast of dubstep, some crappy remix of a Daft Punk song, will drown out the buzzing in my brain, but it doesn’t. I can’t stop thinking I’m a piece of shit, I’m the worst boyfriend in the entire universe. I lean against the wall but just end up sliding down it so I’m sitting on the floor, all the dancers blurring in front of me under Harry’s flashing fairy lights. Why am I being so weird and angry? Why am I like this?
“Charlie!” shouts a voice over the music, not Nick’s, and I look up and there’s Aled, gazing down awkwardly in his burgundy jumper. He squats down next to me. “Are you all right?”
I swallow, so close to saying no. No, I’m ridiculous, I’m hilariously un-all-right. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”
“You don’t look all right.” Aled frowns. “Did you… is this because of Elle and Tao?”
Maybe I’m just hallucinating conversations now, maybe my brain is just stringing random words together. “What? What d’you mean?”
“I just thought… you know… what I said about Elle and Tao yesterday… like… it was stupid, I feel really bad…”
I shake my head, wanting to laugh. “What the fuck are you talking about, Aled?”
“You know… Elle and Tao breaking up.”
I spring forwards from the wall. “What?”
Aled’s eyes widen. “Oh, oh, God, I just assumed you would know by now. They just decided that they’re breaking up at the end of summer, I just heard…”
I stare at him.
“What?”
Aled looks down. “Yeah… Tao was just like, yeah, we’re gonna keep on going out until Elle leaves but we think long distance will be too hard and Elle wants a fresh start at uni.”
“But, Tao didn’t tell me… I was talking to him earlier… I don’t…”
Aled says nothing.
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Why would anyone just end a relationship because it’s
got to go long distance for a bit? Elle and Tao clearly like each other a lot. They’re practically the same person, for God’s sake.
Why would anyone do that?
Nick and I aren’t going to do that. Nick doesn’t want a ‘fresh start’. He thinks long distance will be fine. He doesn’t want to break up with me.
Doesn’t he?
Does he?
Does he want to break up with me?
“Oh God, Charlie, what’s…” Aled’s started speaking because I’ve started crying. Great.
“Sorry…” I say, but my voice definitely isn’t audible above the deafening music and I’m not sure who I’m apologising to anyway. “Sorry… I’m so sorry…”
NICK
Since I haven’t seen Charlie for half an hour, I think now might be a good time to go looking for him again, even if he is in a mood with me. What is his deal though? He’s actually starting to piss me off a bit now. I’ve done nothing for him to be in a mood with me about.
I find him in the basement and he’s just sitting in a corner with his friend Aled, so I go over to him, hoping that his weird bad mood has gone away, but as I barge through the dancers, getting closer and closer, I start to realise that his cheeks are damp and he’s been crying, and that’s when I start to feel seriously concerned. Something’s definitely wrong.
I kneel down next to him and Aled gives me this panicked look like he doesn’t know what to do. Charlie rolls his head towards me and he’s even drunker than earlier, if that’s possible. No wonder he’s sitting on the floor in the basement.
“What’s wrong?” I shout over the music.
He laughs but it looks wrong, something is really wrong. “Are you gonna start talking about university again?”
“What?”
“It’s pissing me off so much, Nick.”
I squint at him and ask, “Pissing you off?” but he just mumbles something in reply and I can’t hear him properly.
Then he pulls me roughly towards him with one arm and kisses me.
I quickly discover drunk kisses are not fun when one person is sober. Despite this, he tries to deepen the kiss. I can feel the dampness of his cheeks and he tastes of alcohol. It takes a few seconds for me to actually realise what’s happening and in that time, I blink and see Aled make a look of startled distress, stand up and walk away.
I gently push Charlie off me. “Don’t.”
“Niiiick.” Charlie tries to lean forward again but I just lean backwards. “You promised.”
“Charlie, you’re acting really weird.”
“No I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.” I pull him by the arm so we’re both standing. He staggers and grabs on to my arm with both hands. “Come on, let’s go upstairs.”
He doesn’t answer, so I lead him back through the dancers and back upstairs, where it’s nearly empty now – almost everyone is dancing in the basement. I guide him to the conservatory which is, as I’d hoped, empty and quiet, apart from the rain that’s pummelling against the glass roof.
I sit him down on the armchair again and crouch down in front of him. “What’s going on?”
He doesn’t look at me, or even seem to have heard me.
“Charles.” I say this a little louder and this time he meets my eyes. “Why are you acting like this?”
“What?” he snaps, shaking his head. “What am I acting like?”
“Like one minute you’re seriously pissed off with me and the next you want to get off with me!”
He bends over and puts his head in his hands. “I feel sick.”
“For fuck’s sake.” I stand up. This is hopeless. “Why are you being such a dick?”
He doesn’t move.
“Just talk to me!” I say.
He says nothing.
“You can’t be angry at me if you can’t even tell me what I’m doing wrong!”
He makes a groaning noise and shakes his head in his hands.
“Fucking hell,” I say, sitting down heavily on the sofa opposite. “Well I don’t fucking know what to do then.”
“Stop shouting at me,” he mumbles from behind his hands.
“I’m not shouting at you!”
“You are.”
We sit in silence for a minute until a particularly loud thunder crash makes me jump. Charlie notices and raises his head.
“You can break up with me if you want,” he says.
It takes a few seconds to process that.
“What?” I say. I stand up again and feel myself really getting angry now. What is he talking about? Where the hell has this come from? “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“If you… want a fresh start, or… something… if you’re bored…” His eyes are unfocused again, his words slurring. Lightning flashes overhead, brightening the room. Why is he saying these things?
“What? Is that what you want?” I huff out a laugh. This can’t be happening. “You want us to break up. Is that it?”
“I just… want you to be… happy…”
“Bullshit,” I spit out, my voice definitely too loud now.
“Elle and Tao are breaking up…”
“What, so we need to break up too? You’re not even going to try to stay in a relationship with me?” Part of me wants to talk this out rationally, but most of me is just pure anger and I don’t even know why. I think I’m just tired of all this. Tired of all this bullshit and all this university talk and remembering that I’ve only got a few months left with Charlie…
“Why are you saying these things, Charlie? If you’re trying to break up with me, just fucking spit it out.”
But I don’t want him to. I feel like I’m about to be sick.
Charlie just shakes his head and stares blankly at the space next to me.
“Is that why you’ve been acting like this?” I say. “You want to break up with me, but you’re not even fucking brave enough to say it? You want to force me to break up with you instead?”
He’s crying again now, his head shaking from side to side and his knees bobbing up and down. But he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t deny it.
“Well fuck you then,” I say, and that’s when I realise that I’m crying too. God, how long’s it been since that happened?
And then he raises his head and full on shouts at me. “Well it’s me who’s getting left behind!” He points towards somewhere indeterminable outside and his voice breaks. “You’re fucking off to university where you’ll meet loads of new people and it’s me who’s getting left behind. We keep being like, oh, everything’s going to be fine, we’ll Skype all the time, blah blah blah, but it’s not going to be all right, is it?” He gestures wildly, his eyes darting around the room. “It’s not going to be all right, it’s going to be crap for me. I’m going to be stuck in this shitty town all by myself, but here you are, talking about it like it’s the fucking best thing ever, and you know what? It makes me feel like shit. It’s like you’re looking forward to getting rid of me, like you can’t wait to finally get out of here and get away from me—”
“What the fuck?!” I shout back, running a hand through my hair. “What d’you want me to do?! Not go to university?”
“No!”
“Because that sounds like what you’re saying.”
“I’m not—”
“You’ve got no fucking right to be annoyed with me about that. I’m a year older than you, I’m going to university in September. That’s just the way it is.”
He stares at me, eyes wide and filled with tears, and then he looks down. “Why are you being like this?”
“Mate, what the fuck am I being like?”
Charlie looks up again and when he moves his hand, his eyes are thin slits.
“Don’t call me mate. You never call me mate.”
I just shake my head and let out a huff of exasperation. “You really are being a proper dickhead tonight, aren’t you?”
“Just leave, then!” he shouts. The rain falls harder than ever – I can ba
rely hear him over the noise. “Fuck off, then!”
“Yeah, fine. No problem.”
And that’s it. I walk out of the room.
Standing in the corridor is Tao Xu, who has probably heard every word. God, this is all his and Elle’s fault. If they hadn’t fucking broken up in the first place, Charlie wouldn’t… he wouldn’t want to… he wouldn’t have thought he’d…
“Is he… are you okay?” Tao stutters. He’s always been a weasely little prick, with his stupid beanies and stupid shirts. I’ve never liked him.
“See what you’ve done?” I say, stepping past him. “Fuck you.” He cowers back. I want to say something else to him, but I can’t think of anything, my mind’s gone blank, I’m still processing what’s just happened. What has happened? Everything was fine yesterday. This can’t be the end. This can’t possibly be the end.
I barge through the people chatting and smiling and laughing in the living room until I’m out of the house and in the rain, and by the time I reach my car I’m soaked and shivering. I turn the engine on but I just end up sitting in my car for twenty minutes, maybe because I’m too scared to drive when I can still hear thunder in the distance, or maybe because I’m hoping Charlie’s going to run out the house and open the door and say that everything he’d said was a drunken mistake. But he doesn’t. So I just sit there.
THREE
CHARLIE
I wake up because the sun is in my eyes – I forgot to close my curtains last night. I forgot to do a lot of things last night. Like be a decent human being.
I fumble for my phone before realising it’s still in my back pocket, and I’m still in my clothes. It’s quarter past ten in the morning. No texts, no Facebook messages, nothing. I don’t want to get out of bed to change. I don’t want to do anything.
Last night…
What was I even thinking?
The Elle and Tao thing freaked me out. That after all this time, they’d just be, like, ‘Cool. Yeah. We’re breaking up. Oh well.’
After two years. Didn’t they… didn’t they love each other?
