“Alex?” I hear myself say. I sit there like an idiot, Evelyn’s bare ass straddling my hips.
“Oh God,” Alex whispers and I see tears coming to her eyes. “I’m so s-sorry,” she stutters. She slams the door and I can hear her heels clicking rapidly exiting my front door.
I quickly shove Evelyn from on top of me, buckle my belt and run after her.
“Alex!” I shout reaching her car door as she is sliding into her tiny car. I stand out in the cold bare-chested. She is gripping the steering wheel her knuckles turning white.
“It’s ok, Kade,” I hear her strained voice and I know that she wants to cry.
“What’s the matter?” I ask her “Me and Evelyn were just…” I trail off not knowing what to say, angry at myself for feeling guilty.
“I think it’s pretty clear what you were doing.” Her words feel like knives against my heart.
She looks up at me her eyes filled with sadness and accusation. Suddenly she shakes her head.
“I’m sorry… me and Nathan just had a fight and I wanted to talk to you. I will talk to you some other time. You are obviously busy.” She slams her car door and drives away.
Ok. I tell myself. This doesn’t change anything. As usual she was coming to me to talk about Nathan, not to talk about us. I will not feel guilty. I feel myself harden as I walk back into my guest house and finish what me and Evelyn had started.
Alex
After arguing with Nathan for twenty minutes straight I went back into the restaurant looking for Kade. I had lied to Nathan, telling him what he wanted to hear. I knew that I would have to break up with him soon but I needed to speak to Kade first. I needed to see him - to touch him, to tell him everything that I had been feeling.
“Maybe we should take some time apart,” I told Nathan before rushing into the restaurant.
When Kade wasn’t inside, I asked Nathan to drop me home and I quickly drove to Kade’s house adrenaline pouring through me as I convinced myself that I was ready to lay myself out there. Vulnerability was something that I abhorred. But for Kade I would do anything. I tried calling him on my way to his house, but he didn’t answer. When I burst into his room and saw Evelyn on top of him, I wanted to scream. I almost did.
It took everything in me not to break down and cry. Why was this so hard? So impossible? I didn’t cry until I got into my room. I cried not out of sadness, but out of frustration.
I stared at the walls in my bedroom, and my eyes landed on the words that Kade had jokingly written on them a few months back. I had always intended to paint over the words, but could never bring myself to do it. I had gotten into the habit of staring at his crooked words almost every night before I fell asleep, and I always felt comforted as I drifted off to sleep. Tonight however the words taunted me. I had to fight the urge to grab a black marker and scratch it out.
I fell asleep in tears and the following day I went determinedly to a supplies store and bought lavender paint to cover his lies up. When I got back into my room however, I stared at his heart. I sat on my bed looking at it for fifteen minutes before heading back downstairs and dumping my paint brush and the small can of paint in the garbage.
I look over at my phone as it rings incessantly. It is a sweet love song that sings of being in love forever – it is Nathan’s ringtone. He is calling me. Again. I still haven’t spoken to him since the night at the restaurant, but I am beginning to reconsider my decision. Why should I sit around moping and pining away while Kade spends every night with a different girl?
I feel guilty as I move to press ‘Answer’ on my cell, but images of Evelyn on top of Kade pushes me to tap the green button.
“Hello?”
Chapter 9
Kade
I walk into my English class a few seconds before the buzzer sounds. This is my new tactic that I have devised so that I do not have to speak to Alex. We would usually meet at her locker and walk to our classes together, but being near her was just too painful. I always thought that heartache was a metaphor. But damn. I now realize that heartache is an actual physical thing. My heart is literally in pain whenever I see Alex. It is much worse when we actually speak – her bright brown eyes staring up at me. Whenever I am near her, it hurt. And so, I have decided to be as far away from her as was possible under the circumstances.
For the past few days, I used the excuse of being super busy with our final exams, and Alex seems to understand. She doesn’t appear to miss me all that much, even though it feels like I am punishing myself every single second that I am not speaking to her. She is still spending all of her time with Nathan and so far she has never brought up the night that she caught me with Evelyn.
But no matter what I do, I still can’t help myself from staring at her. I glance her way as she is chatting away with Kayla. She is giggling mischievously as Kayla whispers something in her ear. Today she is wearing very tight jeans and a tight bright yellow top. She reminds me of the sun. I turn my eyes away quickly when she glances my way.
I steal another glance at her a few minutes before the end of class, and she is busily taking down notes. Sometimes I swear that I have even caught her staring at me but maybe it is just my imagination.
Alex
I am walking to my usual table for lunch when Evelyn steps up beside me.
“I know that you have noticed that Kade has been avoiding you,” she began without even saying hello.
I am not in the mood for this, and I can feel my anger already beginning to boil. “What are you talking about Evelyn?” I ask her as calmly as I can muster.
I continue walking, picking up my pace but she keeps up with me easily. I am in a miserable mood. I had only seen brief glimpses of Kade all week. I was still trying my darndest to get over him but not seeing him at all, was starting to get to me. I hated the emptiness that I was beginning to feel not being near him. Having Evelyn all up in my face was not helping my sour mood.
“I want you to know,” she continues not answering my question. “That Kade is mine. You have been following him around for far too long. You don’t mean shit to him anymore. So please move on.”
I stop in my tracks and stare at her.
“You know what you need to realize?” I question, my voice throwing acid. “You are the one who doesn’t mean shit. You are just another notch in his bed post. You are disposable.”
She gasps.
“Please leave me alone, Evelyn. I don’t need the drama.” I turn from her and continue walking to my table.
I keep my head up, even though her words hurt. Was it true? Was he really avoiding me? I really need to talk to him, but lately he seems to be really busy with his school work which I have to admit is strange since he has never had to study a day in his life, and his grades are always better than mine. I have barely seen him at school and our usual Friday movie night has been cancelled… twice! This is starting to piss me off.
After lunch I march determinedly down the halls searching for Kade. I see him walking beside Jon and I practically hurl myself at him.
“What is wrong with you Kade?!” I demand, shoving him in his chest. “You have been acting different and distant for the past couple weeks!”
“Calm down, Alex.” He replies annoyingly calm and distant. “Everything is fine.” He is looking everywhere except at me.
“Bullshit.” I reply. “Tell me the truth.” I feel my eyes getting teary. He has never been like this before. He stares down at me, his eyes softening. He reaches out and touches my cheek. Nathan picks that moment to come up behind me and he holds me around my waist. I turn and look behind me to tell him that I need a few minutes but by the time I turn back around, I can see Kade disappearing around a corner. My heart hurts and my eyes burn. Why is he doing this?
Kade
It is Friday and I pull up into my driveway, grateful that it is the end of the week. I have successfully avoided Alex for the past two weeks. It is not that I am trying to be mean to her, but I just need time to myself to re
assess my feelings. Graduation is coming up and then prom. I am forcing myself to focus my energy into other things. Alex and I were planning to go to the same college, but I also got accepted into many others, and I am seriously considering these options … maybe it is time for me to man up. I will be able to speak to her after a year or so. We will be able to be best friends again. I just needed time.
I feel my phone buzzing as I walk into my place.
Alex: Hey… are we on for tonight?
Me: No… I am not feeling well… maybe next week. Have a good weekend.
I dump my bags on my couch and walk into my bedroom, where I find Alex sitting cross legged on my bed, looking at me accusingly.
Shit.
Her phone buzzes, as my text message reaches her phone. She reads the message, slams her phone on my side table and walks towards me.
“I want you to explain to me…” she says softly “… carefully, why you have been lying to me and ignoring me.” Her eyes flash fire and I know that I am in deep, deep shit.
“Alex…” I reply reaching to touch her shoulders, but she moves away. I have never seen her look so angry.
“How long have we been best friends?” she shouts the question at me. She doesn’t wait for me to reply. “Let me tell you for how long. Since the day that I was born!!” She is shouting so loud.
“How dare you ignore me without giving me a proper reason why!!! What is wrong with you?!?!” she shoves me hard in my chest and I grab her hand and pull her into my arms.
She is shaking with anger, her breathing labored. I grab her face roughly lifting her chin and staring into her eyes. My lips crush down on hers. I kiss her savagely my tongue working its way into her mouth. And I almost scream when she moans and grabs my face kissing me back just as angrily. I pick her up and slam her against the bedroom wall. Her legs wrap tightly around my waist. Her hands are everywhere – as are mine. She scrapes her nails over my shoulders and I hope that they leave a mark. I reluctantly move my lips from hers and kiss her neck, grounding my hips into her wide open legs. She is gasping as I make my way towards my bed. She stares up at me with longing in her eyes, tracing my lips with her fingers. I stare down at her, not understanding what was happening but not caring either. She brings my face down to hers and this time our kiss is sweet and soft and lingering. If I would die at this moment I would die a happy man. She lifts my shirt from my hips up over my shoulders biting her lips. I move to kiss her lips again when I hear her phone ringing – it is a soft love song. And I feel her stiffen beneath me.
“I can’t do this.” She pushes my chest and I move from on top of her. She grabs her phone and stares at the screen. Nathan is calling her.
“Alex, I’m sorry.” I hear myself say. She looks up at me, her lips swollen form my rough kisses.
“I need to tell you something.” Her eyes plead for me not to, but I proceed.
“I have been in love with you for a very … very long time. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want anything to come between us or to mess up our relationship. You are the most precious thing in my life. You know that. I have tried being patient – I know that you care for Nathan. But I want you to know that I’m… in love with you. I want you to be mine.” I conclude confidently, even though I am shaking inside.
“I can’t do this.” She repeats. She gets up and practically runs out of my room. I sag down on my bed and I hear the front door slamming. The silence is deafening.
Chapter 10
PROM
Alex
I remember two years ago, when my parents were splitting up. I didn’t understand why it was happening. They always seemed so happy together. I never saw them argue – not even once. They went out every Friday, calling it date night. They were always laughing and seemed genuinely happy together. I can admit to myself now that I did see some signs. My dad seemed to be busier than usual for almost a year. Almost every weekend he was in another state on a business trip. Friday night date night came to a complete halt. One time, I could have sworn that I heard my mom crying when she was taking a shower. When she came downstairs to make breakfast, her eyes were slightly swollen. I should have asked her if everything was okay, but I never asked anything.
One day, I got home from school and my mom and dad were sitting stiffly around the kitchen table. My father was hardly ever in the kitchen and I knew immediately that something was wrong.
“What’s going on?” I asked, my question directed at my father.
My mom’s eyes immediately glistened, and I swallowed hard.
“Honey,” my father began. “Your mother and I love each other. But we have realized that we are no longer in love with each other.”
I stared at him in complete shock. I could hear our little kitchen clock ticking away. When many seconds passed and I continued staring from one to the other, he continued.
“We have decided that it would be best to file for a separation. This does not mean that we are getting divorced. We just need some time apart.”
“Some time apart?” I looked from my mother to my father. “Time apart?!” I shouted. “You guys are married! You do not need time apart. You’re not allowed to take a break from a marriage! You work things out together.” My voice broke.
I remember I ran up to my room crying. My mom tried coming in to talk to me, as did my dad, but I felt like they were betraying me, like they had been lying to me all of these years. I stayed in my room all evening, sleeping. When I opened my eyes, my room was pitch black, cold wind coming in through my windows, but I felt surprisingly warm. When I shifted, I felt strong arms tightening around me and when my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw that Kade was with me, sleeping soundly.
I cuddled deeper into his warmth. Kade was always there. He was the one person I could depend on. He would never leave me or betray me. As long as he was with me, anything was bearable.
“Alex, it is time to get out of bed. Aren’t you excited?!” my mom squeals bringing me back to reality. “It is prom day!” I stare at her sadly.
“What is the matter Alexandria?” she questions, sitting beside me on my bed.
“Mom…” I begin, “Kade…” I sniffle. “I don’t know what to do, Mom… suddenly the most uncomplicated relationship in my life, is so complicated. He told me that he loves me … that he is in love with me.”
“Do you love him?” she asks softly.
“Yes,” I say immediately.
“Are you in love with him?”
I hesitate. “I am afraid…” I confess. “Suppose we get together, and it doesn’t work out? All of these years of friendship will be ruined. We will never have our friendship back.”
“Honey,” she says, rubbing my hair softly. “It is ok to be afraid. But you have to trust him, and yourself. He loves you, and he has always taken care of you. Do you really think that he would do anything to hurt you? I always hoped that you and Kade would end up together…”
I feel tears falling from my eyes and she wipes my cheeks.
“C’mon. Today is a happy day. You’re going to be the most beautiful girl there tonight.” She goes to my closet and pulls out my dress.
I picked a crimson, satin, tight dress adorned with large crystals in the back. I picked red, because Kade always tells me how much he loves the color on me. I always imagined that we would go to prom together.
My mom forces me to get up from my bed and practically shoves me in the shower.
I go through the motions of getting ready for what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life, but all I could do was think of Kade. His kisses yesterday had aroused completely foreign emotions in me. I had never felt that I could lose myself in a guy. I shudder thinking of the way his big body towered over mine as he moved in between my very willing open legs. It was hot. Carnal.
I feign happiness for my mother’s sake as she carts me to the salon. I do my hair, nails and make up. My only request was for my lips to match my dress.
While at
the salon, I hear my phone vibrating and I jump to get it, hoping that it is Kade.
Nathan: Hi Beautiful. I can’t wait to see you tonight. I planned something special after… I love you.
I gulp. Feeling guilty, I text back quickly.
Me: Can’t wait to see you too. I lie.
The day went by quickly and soon I am looking at myself in my full length mirror trying to smile. The dress fits me snugly and curves perfectly into my body. I turn slightly to examine the back, and the crystals sparkle as they crisscross into a V down my back. I look pretty, but even I can see the sadness in my eyes. I needed to make a decision. Kade told me that he loved me. I thought that I would be ready – that it was what I wanted but I didn’t realize that I would be so afraid of his love. I had never taken relationships that seriously. I was young and having fun. But with Kade, I knew that it would be different.
He was intense, as was I. I had to make a decision, and I had to make it fast.
I hear Nathan’s truck pulling up and soon my mother is calling me from downstairs.
I take a deep breath and walk down to Nathan. He looks very handsome and sports a crimson tie. My mother appropriately embarrasses me by taking a million pictures and ooing and aaahing every few seconds. After a very long fifteen minutes I kiss her goodbye and she waves at me from the porch.
She had been through so much, but still she smiles. I wave at her and she blow a kiss at me.
When we finally get to the prom it is apparent that the decorating committee really worked hard to make the prom a beautiful one this year. I can see crystal beads hanging from the ceiling and multi colored lights flashing to the beat of the music. Out of habit, my eyes automatically sweep the room looking for Kade, but I don’t see him anywhere. I wonder silently if he is going to come tonight. I would drive over to his house after prom, if he didn’t.
The dance floor is already filling up and I see Ryan, Laura, Kayla and Jon dancing at the center of the room. Kayla is wearing a beautiful dark purple silky dress, and Laura looks lovely in classic black. I pull Nathan with me to the dance floor. I’d rather dance with him than be forced to smile and talk to Nathan all night. He always notices when something is off with me.
Kade Loves Alex Page 5
