by Laura Stone
“No, but, how can you even say that?” Brandon asked, his head tilted. “I’ve just… I’ve been thinking about some of this stuff longer. But I didn’t mean any of that. I meant like me the other way. I had a, um, a problem before I left for my mission. Problem,” he snorted. “That’s what my Elder’s Quorum Second Councilor called it when I confessed some thoughts I’d had. And he was the one who first—” Brandon hung his head and sighed, “Never mind,” and leaned forward to stand up.
Adam shot his hand out and grabbed Brandon’s, pulled him back down and was pleased when Brandon shifted to lean closer against Adam’s bent leg. The long, hard line of his body was solid and comforting.
“You… you don’t have to go. I want to know.” Adam shifted to his side and almost curled around Brandon. “What happened?”
Brandon picked at the edge of Adam’s bed sheet. “We got… close, you know? Said that he was sorry, that we didn’t need to have a court since nothing really happened beyond us becoming ‘closer brethren.’”
Adam was thunderstruck. Did that mean Brandon and…? “Did you… with him? Do stuff?”
“No!” Brandon cried. “No, nothing.” He flushed completely and looked away. “Oh, my gosh, this is so embarrassing. It sounds so dumb.”
“Brandon. You can tell me. I’m not going to judge you, are you kidding?”
With a heavy sigh, Brandon finally answered, “We, you know, cuddled. Uh… to completion.”
Adam’s heart raced. “How old were you?”
“Eighteen. Almost nineteen. Before I got my call.”
“Did you have—”
“We had our clothes on the whole time!”
“No, I don’t mean that.” Adam glanced at the two of them, practically naked but for their G’s. “Did you have feelings for him?”
He looked deeply into Adam’s eyes. “I thought I did.”
“What, um, what do you think now?”
Brandon shook his head. “That was just, you know, hormones.”
Was this just hormones? Adam took in the nervous way Brandon continued to pick at the bed sheet and thought about how he good it was to be in Brandon’s company, how safe he felt, how he trusted Brandon not only with his doubts and questions, but with this secret he hadn’t trusted himself with. It was like reaching out in slow-motion, his hand coming down, down over Brandon’s, stilling its nervous plucking. Brandon let out a tiny breath and turned his hand over, entwining their fingers.
“Did, do you remember me mentioning that men were sealed in the temple to other men in the early days of the Church?” Brandon asked, his voice low. Adam nodded his head. “Sometimes… men were able to express their love for other men back then. After Cooley—that’s the guy from my Elder’s Quorum who I got ‘close’ to. After him, I did a lot of looking into stuff to try and understand what was going on with me. Books and websites and stuff, and they were written by members, mostly. Journal of Discourses, other stuff.”
A huge weight lifted from Adam’s chest even as his heart rate jumped to an alarming speed. He thought he was the only one who had wondered about that historical temple quirk, had wondered if men being sealed to each other—the way married couples were sealed to one another—meant what he had never been able to let himself imagine, a possible future for himself where he could feel happy and complete, too.
“I— Yeah. I did know that about the temple. But I didn’t think it was so they could…” Adam couldn’t look in Brandon’s face and finish that sentence.
“It was mostly an apprenticeship thing, a kind of adoption situation. It wasn’t… gay marriage.” He cleared his throat. “But I think, because of some of the letters I’ve seen, that there may have been some for who it was just that. They could use it to like, hide out in the open, you know? And if the Church brought it back, then guys like us…” Brandon’s voice fell to a whisper. The darkness of their shared bedroom was a protective bubble. It was almost as if Brandon’s voice was quiet in order to maintain the illusion, keeping this just between them, as if not even God could hear them. The thought of God not knowing Adam’s thoughts and feelings was a huge relief.
“It wasn’t like, like love for all of them, of course,” Brandon continued, his fingertips drawing along the length of Adam’s hand, over his palm and up to each pad in a soft caress that made Adam’s hand spasm, made him want to reach out and clutch Brandon’s hand and press it to feel how fast Adam’s heart was beating. “But yeah. For a few of them, because the rite existed, it was that, it was… They wanted to be together. My great-great grand uncle was sealed for time and all eternity to Joseph Smith in the Nauvoo Temple, actually. For him I know it was supposed to be just like a wife. That’s what he wanted it to be like. I found some letters he’d written at my grandmother’s. He never married a woman. Didn’t want to.”
Adam struggled to align this information with everything he’d been told to believe. They were teetering on the edge of a huge crevasse, trying to cobble together a safety net using the gospel they’d studied so fervently and in which they’d invested their lives. He shifted and rested an arm on his own knee; his index finger brushed the edge of Brandon’s garment on his upper arm. Brandon began to worry a new place on Adam’s bed sheet, a place closer to Adam’s waist. Every little shift brought them closer to each other, to something bigger than just this moment.
Adam closed his eyes, confused by how much hope was building. Everything he’d ever been taught told him that what was happening was wrong, what he was feeling, what he was wanting was wrong. Men weren’t supposed to… He wasn’t supposed to want this, any of it. Brandon’s warm hand on his leg broke through his chaotic thoughts, making everything clear.
Brandon exhaled softly, saying, “It’s in the Bible, you know. ‘The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him.’”
Adam could see the page in the Old Testament book, 1 Samuel, as if it was lying right there in front of him. It was scripture—that had to make it okay, because what he felt, this tenderness and affection for such a good man was just what was in that Bible verse.
He opened his eyes. He took Brandon’s hand in his, finally daring to look into his companion’s face. With a sigh, Brandon brought their foreheads together and ran his hand through Adam’s close-cropped hair.
Adam barely breathed. Every nerve-ending was alight where Brandon was touching him, but he managed to say, “It can’t be wrong, Brandon, not when it feels like this. Even Joseph—”
Brandon rested his lips on the edge of Adam’s mouth and whispered, “It can’t be wrong. It’s, it’s not. The scriptures even say, ‘Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him.’”
Adam held Brandon’s face; his thumbs traced the hard edge of Brandon’s jawline. His heart beat wildly. His voice quiet and choked with emotion, he quoted back, “‘And David arose, bowed three times and they… they kissed one another.’”
Their lips met in a chaste, simple press. They held each other, mouths barely touching. Brandon ran his hands up the silky fabric to hold Adam’s body more fully against his, and the intimacy of it broke whatever dam was left in Adam. It had to be right, these feelings he had, this need and desire, because it was for Brandon. With a low noise, Adam nuzzled Brandon’s cheek before bringing their mouths together more intimately. They each pulled on the other, embracing more fully. Adam didn’t know what he was doing, but instinct took over. He slanted his head to deepen to kiss, needing more and unable to stop the low moans buzzing in his throat when he felt Brandon’s tongue tracing the seam of his mouth.
Brandon’s wide and strong hands clutched at Adam’s back and slipped lower until they grabbed the hem of Adam’s pajama top and garments in an attempt to pull them up and over. Adam stopped him, however, by leaning back, breaking their kiss.
“I…
I can’t.” Adam looked down, couldn’t quite meet Brandon’s eyes. Brandon shifted on his knees, and Adam could see how hard he was, how much he wanted this, wanted him. Adam wanted it too, but… Maybe… He bit his lip, already tender and a little swollen, and said, “It’s just, I can’t take them off yet. I’m not ready for that. But… here.” He pulled his pajama top off, feeling naked in just his garments. Brandon cupped the back of Adam’s head and drew him back to his mouth for a more languid kiss.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I don’t mind. I get it, I do. I just feel greedy, I guess.”
Adam had never felt more whole nor more afraid. Brandon’s hands slipped under the silky fabric, “I want to feel you against me, though.” He moaned when Adam shivered. They positioned themselves on the narrow twin bed so that they wouldn’t crush each other.
“Can you just take the bottoms off? Not your G’s but the other?” Brandon whispered into his ear. Brandon teeth dragged lightly over Adam’s earlobe and sent shudders down his body.
He tugged the cotton fabric down. Brandon assisted by kicking the pajamas off Adam’s feet and to the floor. The white of their garments stood out in the night’s darkness as if they were illuminated. Instead of feeling exposed, Adam felt private and wonderful as Brandon’s hand drew across Adam’s hip bone and grazed the edge of his body where it pushed through the opening of his garments. He couldn’t resist the urge to thrust upward to feel more of that friction.
This was okay. No, this was more than that. It was wonderful and good, and all good things were a sign of God’s love for His children. That lesson had appeared over and over in Adam’s life, and he’d been told to train his eyes and his spirit to look for moments of goodness, to seek them out. Well, this was maybe the best, the most fulfilling moment of his life yet, the most complete he’d ever felt.
As Brandon nuzzled his neck, Adam breathed hotly into his ear, “‘Let me not be ashamed, O Lord; for I have called upon thee. Into thy hand I commit my spirit.’”
“Spirit, huh?” Brandon bit his earlobe and dragged the pads of his fingertips up and down Adam’s length, quoting back with barely contained joyful laughter, “‘For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me; my moisture is turned into the drought of summer.’”
Adam laughed quietly and pushed Brandon’s chest with one hand. Brandon held it in place for a moment, his smile mischievous and happy, then dashed into the bathroom and brought a bottle of lotion. He grinned and, after climbing back into bed alongside Adam, asked, “Still with me? With this? Tell me no; if not, it’s okay.”
Mind swirling, Adam nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m still with you.”
When Brandon took Adam firmly in hand, Adam’s entire body trembled. Dragging the tip of his nose along Adam’s hairline, Brandon said softly, “‘O taste and see that which is good.’” Brandon traced the barest edge of his mouth against Adam’s before dipping in with his tongue and kissing him languidly.
Adam groaned and lay back against the pillows when Brandon broke away from their kiss. “Oh my gosh…” It had felt so good, touching himself in the quiet dark, but this… This was something he couldn’t describe: the feel of someone he cared for so much holding him, touching him so intimately, wanting him.
Brandon stopped to squeeze lotion into his palm. Adam lightly ran his hand up Brandon’s taut flanks. His head was spinning, and this all seemed a dream. Everything was coming together in the most amazing sensations his body had ever known, yet it still felt spiritual, otherworldly. All his life he’d been taught that bodies coming together was something holy, sacred, that it meant something much more than simple physical pleasure. Everything happening now was proof that that was so wonderfully, joyously true.
He’d never felt more like himself, and because he’d been trained to look for answers in God’s word in everything he did, he couldn’t help but recall certain scriptures that had meant so much to him. He felt wild with want and desire and sheer happiness, and it was strange that he wanted to laugh as much as moan when Brandon touched him like that, wasn’t it?
Brandon must have sensed Adam’s manic thoughts, because he stopped with his hands resting on the tops of his own thighs. “Adam? Should I stop? I will if you need me to.”
Adam hooked a leg around Brandon’s waist and grinned. “Stop? ‘O continue thy loving kindness unto them that know thee.’”
Brandon laughed, ducking his head. He glanced at Adam from under his thick eyelashes, and Adam’s breath was taken away once more. As Adam looked his fill, Brandon was clearly aware of how transfixed Adam was. Smirking, Brandon took himself in hand and jutted his hips forward. “‘Behold the perfect man, and behold the upright.’ For lo, it is mighty.”
Adam’s face blazed red even as he laughed out loud.
Brandon continued his ministrations and punctuated each sentence with a wet and deep kiss. “‘My loins are filled…’” He gasped against Adam’s mouth when his knuckles brushed against Adam’s belly. “‘Lord, all my desire is before thee and my groaning is not hid from thee.’ Oh, my gosh, Adam, I just need to touch you, please?” He collapsed to his side, taking Adam back in hand with a cut-off moan.
Adam stopped his thrusting into Brandon’s hot grip, opened his eyes, and finally allowed himself to touch Brandon in the same way. He circled his hand around Brandon’s girth and marveled at the silken weight of it in his palm. “Oh, my gosh… You feel so good.” It was probably so stupid and obvious, but Brandon didn’t seem to care what Adam said, given the gasps each stroke of Adam’s hand pulled from him. Adam almost wanted to stop, wanted to throw his arms around Brandon’s shoulders and just hold him, hold this feeling still just long enough to help control how fast his heart beat, how tremendous his need was.
“‘M-my heart was hot within me.’” He quoted back, trusting other people’s words more than his own. “‘While I was musing the fire burned; then I spake with my tongue.’”
With a delicate, almost tentative, lick, he traced Brandon’s mouth before kissing him; their hands struggled to find a rhythm they could both maintain. Panting, Brandon broke away and dropped his forehead against Adam’s neck. “I want to do more than just this with you. I want to do everything. I know that’s… a lot. I wanted you to know.”
Adam closed his eyes, stilling his hand as unbidden memories of incessant lectures on self-control flooded his mind. “Oh, Brandon, we can’t. Not, not yet. Maybe not at all? I don’t know. I just… This is a lot already. Isn’t this good, though? Am I not—”
Brandon’s warm hand caressed his face and quickly drove out all other thoughts. The exhilaration he felt now superseded any sense of right or wrong that might have lingered.
Brandon kissed a trail from Adam’s ear to his collarbone. “I know, I know. And you are. You’re…” He kissed the tip of Adam’s chin. “It’s fine, really. Better than fine, honestly. It’s just that we’re finally doing this, and I don’t want to stop. Come here.” Brandon shifted, then pulled Adam on top of him. “Rest your head on my shoulder?”
Adam straddled him, bracing his weight on his elbows next to Brandon’s head and taking the time to look to his heart’s content. Brandon, fingers entwined and slick with lotion, wrapped them around them both. Adam had to bite down on Brandon’s shoulder to stifle his broken moans as the slippery feel of Brandon’s palm worked in tandem against Adam’s. A roaring built in his ears as Brandon made the same quiet noises Adam had heard so many times in the middle of the night, until Brandon moaned quietly, his body trembling The roaring in Adam’s ears built to a crescendo until his body let go, a giant pressure finding release all along his spine until the hairs on the crown of his head were standing on end.
He pressed his mouth to the side of Brandon’s neck as he tried to get his breathing under control. His heart pounded and his mind buzzed as Brandon draped a leg over his and flung an arm around Adam’s waist, holding him close, keeping him there, keeping them togeth
er.
Brandon nudged Adam’s cheek until Adam kissed him, slowly, tenderly, feeling as if every secret desire in his heart was laid bare before this young man who meant so much to him. After a moment, Brandon looked at him, and said in a somber voice, “Behold, the Bridegroom cometh.”
With a pointed look at the mess cooling between their bodies, he broke into laughter, Adam joining him before a cold rush of panic filled his body.
“Okay, I… I think that may have crossed a line.”
Their laughter subsided.
“I’m sorry,” Brandon said. “I ruined it, didn’t I?”
Adam looked into his companion’s earnest face and smiled softly. “No, no, it’s okay. We were just joshing around before, right?”
Brandon’s smile was so sweet and grateful that it made Adam’s chest twinge. As they continued to lie together, Brandon made good use of their close proximity to trail kisses and soft bites down Adam’s neck, something Adam didn’t think he would ever tire of. How did people not kiss and touch all the time?
Brandon tightened his leg around Adam’s; his entire body sagged into the mattress. “So. Zone transfers are in two weeks. I got the call about it earlier tonight.”
Everything came to a standstill. Adam checked Brandon’s face for any hint of a joke. “Do you know if we’re being split up?”
Brandon kissed him softly on the lips. “I don’t know. Obviously I don’t want them to, especially not after all this… They usually don’t move people around here too much except for when people go home or there’s a problem, so I’m hoping not.”
Adam fought his growing panic. Transfers meant interviews with their leaders. Interviews meant questions that probed into private matters between companions. It was required. They wouldn’t understand that it was okay, what he and Brandon were feeling. Maybe they didn’t know that it wasn’t wrong. Adam certainly hadn’t until tonight. But then, maybe he’d just given in to what he wanted to happen, maybe he just wanted it not to be wrong?
