Manage Me: A Vagabond Romance

by J. D. Fox

  "Have you been to Greece?"

  "Yep," he said and grabbed my hand to keep me steady on the path. After that, the conversation flowed smoothly, with him telling me about his travels and me telling him about my traveling dreams. I was amazed by how easy it was to talk to him and, more than that, how easy it was to not monitor what I said to him. Cody had had this habit of making me feel so dumb that it was sometimes easier not to talk at all in his presence. Ryan never, for a moment, made me feel less intelligent than him.

  "Did you travel a lot as a kid?"

  He nodded. "Yep. It was really important to my dad that his kids grow up learning more about the world than just our corner of it. His life philosophy was that travel was the one thing you could spend all the money in the world on, and you'd still end up richer than you'd been when you started."

  "Sounds like a smart man."

  "He was."

  I paused. "Was?"

  He didn't look at me as he responded, "He died almost twenty years ago."

  The breath left my lungs in a rush. "I'm so sorry."

  "Thank you. It was really rough. Thankfully my brother Hartley stepped up and helped my mom with the rest of us, but she's incredible too. I can't imagine a better mom."

  "Well, I can't imagine a better mom than mine, so...there?" I finished lamely.

  He laughed. "Did you ever travel with your mom and Rose?"

  "She took us to Chicago a few times, and we would go camping out by the lake, but I've never been out of the US. I have this dream of taking her to Europe, so we can explore where her family came from, but work kind of took over my life, and I just haven't gotten around to it yet. Work has kind of sucked up all my time since college, and I always go home on vacations. I hadn't even really explored California before this trip, and I've lived here for nine years."

  He looked at me curiously. "You know, you've never told me what you do for a living. The only thing I know is that you're not a writer and you're not working right now."

  "Very astute." I paused. "I was a financial advisor for five years. The company I worked for paid for me to get my MBA while I was working for them full-time."

  He paused, looking at me solemnly. "You WERE a financial advisor?"

  "Yeah. I don't work there anymore."

  "What happened? Why haven't you brought this up to Jacob? I'm sure he'd love to talk to you about business; he's starved for like-minded people in our family."

  "It was a really sucky situation, and I don't think I've come to terms with it or what it means for my future, so I didn't want to bring it up until I was more sure of the way things stood with me."

  He continued to look at me, and I regretted the harsh tone I'd taken. I was sure I sounded like the Dakota he'd met on the beach a few days ago.

  "We don't have to talk about it."

  "Thank you." We continued walking for another few minutes. "I'm sorry. I want to be able to talk about it, but it's hard when I'm not sure of any decisions I made."

  He stopped and wrapped me into a hug. "It's okay," he murmured into my hair. You don't owe me an explanation. Just know that you can talk to me if you want to." The understanding in his voice threw me for a loop, making me feel a combination of tearful and turned on that I'd definitely never felt before.

  Since there wasn't a private place nearby, we continued on our walk.

  "Are you sure we are going the right way?" I asked, a little worried we were going to be walking around all day long looking for a mystical nonexistent theater complex that evoked ancient Greece.

  "It's right on the other side of the next street, part of that big complex over there." I looked in the direction he was pointing, but I guess I was too short. "Don't you trust me?"

  I wanted to say no. After all, I barely knew him. But, weirdly, I did. After all, I had asked him to fuck me bareback in the shower that morning, and if I trusted him that much with my body, well...

  "Sure I do."

  As we crossed the street and rounded one more corner, there it was. The Palace of Fine Arts courtyard did look like it was out of a Greek mythology book. The pillars wove in and out of lush gardens, and there was a couple who were clearly about to get married taking their photos nearby.

  I was mesmerized. I'd always wanted to go to Greece, and for a moment, it felt like I was there.

  "Do you like it? You said you liked history, so I figured it was a thing you should see."

  "This is amazing." I was touched that he'd remembered my penchant for historical novels.

  We held hands and people watched as we strolled through the building and gardens, and then left to continue our trek through the city. As we walked our conversation continued, venturing into taboo subjects like politics and religion; those hairy things people always said you should avoid discussing so as not to offend your date. Yet, despite our disagreements, we didn't descend into a single argument. Again, I was amazed at how much he seemed to care and respect what I had to say. It wasn't that I didn't think what I had to say wasn't important, but no man had ever made me feel like I was worthy of being listened to.

  As we arrived back at the hostel, I went to the dorm to see if Lauren was back, but she was still out. It was early, so I went back downstairs to hang out with Ryan some more. I was amazed that I hadn't gotten sick of him yet.

  "I had an amazing day with you," I said, as we snuggled on one of the couches in the lounge.

  "It was pretty awesome." He played with my hand. "Pretty crazy to think how far we've come, huh?"

  "True. After that day on the beach, I never would've thought of this."

  "True. You were so mean," he said, grinning.

  "Okay, but you did a terrible job at making me think you were interested. I'd give you a two out of ten on a flirting scale."

  "Now, that's not fair. You didn't give me a real chance."

  "Okay. Prove me wrong right now," I said, and leaned my chin into my hand to observe his flirting prowess.

  "See, I can't concentrate right now. When you look at me like that, all I can think about is how it feels when I kiss you, and the look in your eyes when I'm touching you, and then I get lost in my fantasies..." he trailed off, bringing his finger up to touch my cheek.

  I swallowed, trying to hide both my amusement and my arousal. "Terrible," I tried to scoff.

  "Okay, that's it," Ryan jumped up and swung me up into a fireman's carry. I squawked, and we drew annoyed looks from the people in the lounge and a roll of the eyes from Drake. "By the end of the night, you'll know just how good I am."

  "At flirting?" I laughed. "Are we going into your room to flirt?"

  "Oh, there's going to be flirting alright," he said darkly as he opened the door and carried me in, kicking the door closed behind us.

  "Let the flirting begin," I announced, laughing, as he leaned down to kiss me.

  We did a lot more than flirting the rest of the evening.

  Chapter 13

  Ryan

  We went out together again the next day. Dakota and Lauren seemed to have given each other blanket permission to indulge their given flings, so as soon as we'd woken I gave my excuses to Drake, telling I trusted him to take point on the interviews happening throughout the day, and whisked Dakota off to breakfast and another long walk. San Francisco was a walking city, unlike LA, and I needed to show it to her.

  Holding her hand, though, was enough to distract me from all the things I needed to show her before she left. Our chemistry was off the charts, and despite the fact that I'd continuously found myself lost in conversation with her over the course of the last few days, most of my thoughts revolved around the things that I was going to do to her whenever I got her in bed at night.

  I needed to stop thinking about how good it felt to hold her hand, so I asked, "Where do you want to go? The world is our oyster. Anything you say is fair game."

  "Well, the way you say oysters has me intrigued...I'd actually love to go back to the wharf."

  "This from the girl who was ash
amed to take a tourist picture at the Golden Gate?"

  "Don't judge me for wanting fried seafood."

  "I would never. Your wish is my command. This way."

  As we crossed the street, Dakota's phone started ringing. She pulled it out, and her face fell upon looking at the screen.

  "Ryan, I'm sorry. I should get this."

  I watched her walk a few feet away and answer, "Can I help you with something, Cody?"

  I'd seen her reject a few different calls since I'd met her with that same annoyed frown on her face, but I hadn't wanted to ask her about it; it wasn't something she'd chosen to open up about yet, and I'd seen firsthand what happened when I pushed her to talk about things that she didn't want to discuss.

  I tried not to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help overhearing Dakota's raised voice over the noise of the crowd.

  "This isn't a 'spell of irrationality,' or whatever new condescending phrase you've come up with. When have you ever known me to be irrational about a life decision? I don't understand why a person as smart as you can't understand what it means when I say the word 'over.'"

  So clearly there was more to the story of leaving home then bad blood at an old job. There was someone who wanted more of Dakota than she was willing to give.

  "It's none of your business! I told you that we're done. We're so done. I don't have the words to describe how fucking done we are, and you continuing to call me just makes is officially pathetic." She pushed the button on her screen with a vengeance and came back to me, wiping her eyes.

  I stepped forward to hug her, but she brushed my arm away and turned around to continue wiping away her tears. It was the first time she'd rebuffed my touch, and even though we'd only spent a short time together so far, the rejection hurt more than I'd believed it could.

  "Do you want to-"

  "No." She cut me off with a snap. "It doesn't bear thinking about."

  "Okay." I turned on my heel and strode in the direction of the wharf. I might have gotten to know her better over the last few days, but that didn't mean I had to excuse her snapping every time something came up that she didn't want to talk about.

  "Ryan, I'm sorry." She caught my arm and turned me around to face her. Her lovely face was still streaked with tears, and I wanted to comfort her about it, but I just couldn't speak to her when she reacted to her pain like that. I didn't feel like being anyone's punching bag. "You didn't deserve that. I... I just ended something in LA."

  "I figured."

  "I want to tell you about it, I really do. But I can't yet."

  "It's okay. Just...maybe, don't yell at me when I'm trying to be nice to you? That might be why some people think you're mean."

  She snorted. "Point taken." The tears began to flow more freely. "I'm sorry," she said again, and this time she let me pull her into my hug, crying softly into my chest. "I rubbed my hands over her back, making soothing noises into her ear and ignoring the looks on the faces of confused passersby. She pulled back and wiped her hand against my chest. "And I've cried on your sweater. Another thing to be sorry for."

  "Oh no, my sweater. Whatever will I do?" I said sarcastically, making her laugh again. "Honestly, you're welcome to use my shirt as your snot rag any time you want. I wish you'd done it when I tried to hug you the first time."

  "I'm sorry," she said again.

  "It's okay. Really."

  And it really was. I hadn't seen beyond us having a little fun while she was in town, but if that was how we bounced back from a fight, maybe there could be more. If she wanted it.

  We continued down to the wharf and ate all of the fried oysters that we could before going to take in the seals. She leaned into my shoulder, calmer, but I could tell that she was tired from the crying jag. And even though I'd promised myself I wouldn't pry, I wanted to know more about this Cody character, so I could understand how badly I'd need to fuck him up. If at all.

  We walked back to the hostel, hand in hand, and sat down on our usual couch. I put my arm around her, and she leaned into my shoulder, relaxing into our newfound favorite cuddle position.

  "Tell me about Cody."

  She stiffened as soon as I said it, and for a moment I regretted it and was tempted to tell her to forget it. But it wouldn't do anyone any good to deny that I was falling for this girl, and I wanted to know more.

  "There's not much to tell. We were together, and now we're not. New topic are you more into baseball or basketball?"

  "Soccer. Why did you guys break up?" I deflected back at her, not letting her off the hook.

  "That's interesting. Why soccer?"

  "Stop trying to change the subject. You're not subtle."

  "I'm not trying to be; I don't want to discuss it."

  "Maybe you don't want to, but I do."

  "Why? He was before your time."

  "Maybe, but this is what people do when they're in a relationship, Dakota. They talk about their history."

  "Oh, this is a relationship, is it?"

  I paused, realizing I'd dropped the R word. Damnit, but fuck me if it wasn't what I wanted with her. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

  "I wouldn't mind. But it wouldn't work unless we can have an actual conversation about life."

  "We do have conversations about life. That's all we do when we're not having sex."

  "We should be able to talk about the important things."

  "I told you about my dad!" She whisper-yelled, realizing that our tension was beginning to draw the stares of the people around us.

  "Yeah, thanks for letting me in on your seventeen-year-old trauma." I knew I was being a dick, but the fact that she was reverting back into the closed-off version of herself after everything we'd overcome felt like a punch to the gut.

  I stood up. "Goodnight, D. Let me know if you need help breaking down that wall." I turned away, leaving her on the couch. I knew she was looking after me, her eyes probably awash with that mirror-shine that was a dead giveaway that she was upset. I felt Drake's eyes on me too, but I refused to turn my head until I got to my room and shut the door behind me. I sat down on the bed, putting my head in my hands.

  I wanted her. That much I knew for sure, and maybe there was a part of me that loved her already. But I couldn't put up with those barriers. Slamming my fist into them every time I wanted to talk to her was going to cause me some permanent damage.

  My phone rang, breaking me out of my reverie. I looked down to see Hartley's name flashing across the screen. Perfect. Either he'd know what to do, or he'd distract me with an emergency. I'd take either one.

  "Hello, Oh Older Brother."

  "Ryan, I need you to get down to Big Sur ASAP. I know I said you could have three weeks, but Jason took off, and the place isn't adequately staffed. When do you think you can go down?"

  "Tomorrow morning. I'll get going after breakfast."

  There was a pause on the phone. "Okay." Another pause. Clearly, he'd been expecting more of a fight, and now he was at a loss since none of his arguments applied to the current conversation. "So...Jacob told me you met someone."

  "I did. She's great except for when she's not. Can we talk about this another time?"

  "Sure." Another pause, but he was staying on the phone, waiting to see if I wanted to discuss it.

  ​"Hartley, I am going to want to talk to you about this, but I need to go to sleep if I'm going to get on the road early."

  "Okay. Sleep well, li'l dude."

  I rolled my eyes at the nickname, but I couldn't help the slight loosening around my heart at his words. It was what he'd called me all through childhood when I refused to give up a California surfer inflection, and it had stuck throughout our dad's death and every other thing we'd ever had to deal with in our lives.

  "See you, Big Guy."

  I hung up and rolled onto the bed, suddenly bone tired. Despite everything, though, I wished Dakota was next to me.

  Chapter 14

  Dakota

  I tossed and turned the whole night, going ove
r and over the things that I'd said to Ryan in my head. I understood that I needed to work on my communication, but dang. I remembered why I'd disliked him at first.

  I dropped Lauren a text at three in the morning, figuring she'd check it when she got the chance and not wanting her to freak out the way she would if I'd called.

  Dakota: Ryan and I had a fight. Not a big deal, but when you see me tomorrow, give me a Lauren hug, yeah?

  I wasn't naturally affectionate, but Lauren had always brought it out of me. That girl gave the best hugs, and even through my worst anxieties about work and men and helping my sister with college, Lauren hugs had been able to make bearing it all a little bit easier.

  I finally fell into a fitful sleep at three in the morning, only to be gently shaken awake a few hours later.

  "Hey." Lauren brushed my hair out of my face gently. "Did someone order a hug from her best friend?"

  "What time is it?"

  "Around 7, I think."

  "Jesus. And you accuse me of waking up early."

  "Yeah, but I rolled over and saw your text, and I knew I needed to be here. Sorry to wake you, but I wanted you to know."

  I choked back my tears. "You're the best, you know?"

  She smiled. "If you weren't my best friend I definitely wouldn't do it. Go back to sleep; we'll talk in a little bit." I smiled back at her as she ducked out of sight, and the lingering warmth of her touch on my shoulder lulled me back to sleep.

  In the morning, I woke up to full sunlight seeping through the open blinds. I swung my legs down over the side of the bunk bed and dropped down to Lauren's bed where she sat, patiently waiting for me to wake up.

  "Do you want to talk?"

  "Yes, but only if we go for beignets. Beignets before words."

  "Deal."

  We were dressed, down the stairs and out the door in no time, barely giving Ryan's door a glance as we passed it. At the soul food restaurant, the whole story spilled out of me as Lauren just sat there and listened.