I came out, brushing my hair, avoiding looking into his eyes.
“You look very pretty,” he said, putting his arm around my shoulder and giving me a squeeze.
“Stop being nice to me, please,” I whispered.
“I like being nice to you,” he said.
If psychics and private investigators had not been able to help me, perhaps a psychiatrist could, I considered. But I could never tell anyone what Adrian had done. So I was on my own. I put on my coat, ready to lose myself in two hours of someone else’s life.
“I’m thinking popcorn. If there’s time,” said Adrian, obliviously smiling, having disregarded our entire conversation.
Chapter 74
I took Adrian to the airport early on the morning of the first. A huge snowstorm was coming in, so I hurried back to Alexa’s to pack an overnight bag and get on the road before it started coming down. Stewartville was three and a half hours from Madison. As long as the roads weren’t too slippery, that gave me ample time to get there, find a hotel, and maybe even find where Valencia lived. Then I would need a few hours to get ready. I wanted to look perfect. I flew around Alexa’s house, my adrenaline pumping, throwing the things I would need onto the bed. This is the biggest day of my life, I sang over and over in my head.
What would she look like? What was I going to say? Should I approach her? Should I just stand in the background and keep myself hidden? Would she recognize me? Did she miss me as much as I missed her? What had John Spade done to her? How had she gotten away from him? Why hadn’t she wanted us in her life? There were so many things I needed to ask her.
By nine thirty I was on my way. I turned out of Alexa’s driveway, onto glare ice and nearly slid into a truck parked along the side of the street. I yanked off my gloves with my teeth so I could get a better grasp of the steering wheel. I was in her car, so I was going to have to be extra careful.
The roads were atrocious. I was actually having second thoughts. When I got onto Interstate 90, it was even worse. Traffic was trudging along at about thirty miles per hour. Every mile or so was another car that had slid off the road.
I had the newspaper on the passenger seat beside me, to help keep me focused. The picture of Coral, my niece, motivated me along.
I arrived in La Crosse a little before two o’clock and stopped at Subway for some chips and a soda. I was over halfway there. Once I got back in the car, I would cross over into Minnesota.
My cell phone rang while I stood in line to buy a cookie. It was Adrian.
“Hi. Are you back home yet?” I asked.
“Yeah, I just got in. I’m at the airport,” he said. “Are you out shopping? I tried calling Alexa’s house a minute ago.”
“I’m at Subway buying a cookie,” I told him.
“Oh. Well, I just wanted to tell you I’m back in Savannah, and tell you I love you.”
“When you get home say Hello to Alexa from me. I’m glad you made it back safely. Is she coming to pick you up?”
“Yeah, she should be here any minute.”
“Oh, Adrian, it’s my turn to order. Talk to you soon.” I snapped the phone shut and ordered my cookie, aware of my conspicuously absent ‘I love you.’
As I went back out through the snow and started again on my way, I thought perhaps he would call back. When I reached Stewartville it occurred to me that he had not.
I checked into a hotel and took a long, hot bath to calm and warm myself after the stressful drive. It was late afternoon. Now that I was safely there, I was able to concentrate on the evening ahead of me. I had the same exhilarated feeling I’d had the morning of my wedding.
After my bath I put on a black and cream dress I had just finished sewing the night before. With another season of Cut-Throat Couture in full force, I was becoming a better, more inspired fashion designer all the time. Lately I had begun fantasizing about going on the show if the orange selling business didn’t work out.
I looked outside at the snow coming down and drew in a deep breath. I was all dressed up with hours to wait. I had decided not to drive around looking for Valencia’s house. I would do that tomorrow. Or maybe she would invite me back there tonight, to meet her family. It was fitting that the dance, with its festive holiday spirit and teenage angst, be the setting in which we were reunited.
I turned on the television and discovered there was a Cut-Throat Couture marathon in progress. I knew I was nervous, because I was starting to talk to myself. “This is a really good sign. This is your show. These are your people!” I tried to control my breathing. I got up and walked around the hotel room, cracking my knuckles. I had printed out directions from the AmericInn to the high school and I couldn’t stop glancing at them to make sure I had not misplaced them.
At nine o’clock the marathon wrapped up and the winner of season three was crowned. I put on my winter coat, picked up my handbag and the directions to the school, and left the hotel. I started Alexa’s car and began clearing off the snow that was covering it, ignoring my cell phone as Adrian called for the second time in an hour. I knew I should answer it before he did something stupid like send my parents over to Alexa’s house to check on me, but I just couldn’t deal with him at a time like this.
On my way to the school, Blondie’s Heart of Glass came on the radio. Another good sign: Valencia had loved Blondie. Loves Blondie, I corrected myself. Valencia loves Blondie. It wasn’t until I felt the plop of the tears falling from my chin to my chest that I realized I was crying. Tears of happiness and fear, tears of love and dread. I pulled over and parked on a side street. The slippery roads and my emotions were getting to me. I wiped the tears away and checked my reflection in the rearview mirror.
My face looked small and white. My eyes held the wet, devastated look of cattle going to slaughter. I felt disgusted and annoyed with myself for being so transparent. But I reassured myself, You’re only transparent if someone is looking. Otherwise, you stay invisible. It wasn’t much of a reassurance.
Cheer up. Cheer up. This is a good night.
Best night ever.
Stop crying!
Why are you crying?
Stop crying! Pull yourself together!
I scanned through the radio stations, trying to find something better than depressing country songs. Billie Jean came on. Another good sign. Another song from back in the day. I turned it up as loud as it would go, trying to drown out my anxiety.
My heart seemed to have moved into my throat.
If you were a perfume, you’d be called Despair, I said to my reflection. Maybe aloud. Maybe in my head. Eau de Despair. You would smell like orchids. And burning tires.
I didn’t know what I was talking about, but this made my reflection smile a little.
I turned the dome light back off and tried to relax so the worry lines across my forehead would disappear. It was times like this that I knew no matter what happened, we go through this life alone and are only truly known by ourselves. I rubbed my belly, knowing even to this baby, I was just its carrier, its incubator. But knowing this is a lot like knowing we will die: We put it away and snap back to the moment. That is called being sane. Denial equals sanity, I whispered to my reflection. My reflection nodded. You aren’t kidding! it said.
I grabbed some lipstick from my purse and did a quick touch-up, then checked my reflection again in my lighted compact, careful to look only at my lips. I put the car back in gear and went a few more blocks, then took a right. There before me was the high school. Parents of the kids on court were parking in front and making their way through the cold snowy evening to see their sons and daughters.
Keep going.
Blend in.
Act normal.
I parked the car, got out, and walked inside. As natural as could be. I had left my gloves in the car, and as I walked in, my left hand instinctively moved to my right ring finger, reaching for Valencia’s class ring, spinning it round and round.
I followed the parents to the gymnasium, which was dimly
lit with twinkling holiday lights and a big archway made of balloons. Everyone was trying to find a good place to stand to see the court. I craned my neck, looking around for my sister. Were they going to turn up the lights? I wasn’t sure if I would be able to recognize her if they didn’t.
“Are you ready for the grand march?” a deep voice boomed over the loudspeakers.
“Woo hoo!” cheered the moms and dads. They clapped and whistled, stomping their slushy boots on the heavily shellacked floors. They were moms and dads just like I knew as a child, these Midwestern men and women wearing jackets that bore the name of their brother’s plumbing company or their favorite bar. I wasn’t in Savannah anymore and these people overwhelmed me. These sincere, tough people, looking like the models of hard living. Even the women wore ugly snow boots. I was melancholy and joyous, sorry for them and strangely proud of them. The lights came on suddenly and the announcer started in.
“First we have Emily Buckley, escorted by Joe Lyle!” The boy dragged the girl quickly around the floor while cameras flashed and their parents stepped a little closer to take photographs. The couple found their way back to the balloon arch and stood in their assigned places.
“Next, we have Coral McCray, escorted by Elliott Johnson!” yelled the announcer. My stomach tightened. A small part of me suspected that in person she wouldn’t look anything like my sister. That her name, the similarities I’d thought I’d seen, had all been just a meaningless coincidence. But then she and her date made their way out from behind the curtain and appeared in the balloon arch.
There she was. She could have been Valencia, if only her hair had been a tiny bit lighter. There was no doubt that this was Valencia’s daughter.
I was crying again I realized, and I brushed at my eyes, scanning the crowd for Valencia. Elliott and Coral were walking more slowly than the previous couple. Everyone was cheering. It was obvious they all loved her just as everyone had always loved my sister.
And then I saw her. My sister, my Valencia. She took a step forward from the crowd, bent down on one knee like she was genuflecting, and snapped a picture. She bounced back up, waved a happy little wave to her daughter, and stepped back into the crowd.
I nearly had not recognized her, having thought for a moment I was looking at my mother. Because that was who Valencia had become: A carbon copy of Patricia Loden, but with scars and broken plains across the side of her face. She had the proud, quiet look of a woman who had lived through something awful. Over an old flannel shirt, she wore a frumpy gray coat with stains covering it, and a purple cap on her head. She wasn’t yet forty, but looked fifty. Her hair, once long and thick, was cut into a short, scruffy, reddish-brown style that stuck out beneath the cap like scruffs of a beaver pelt. She was just another woman who had lost her expectations and therefore, was not unsatisfied.
She had a softer, kinder look than my mother, and behind her out-of-date glasses, her eyes had become sad. That didn’t change even when she was smiling, like she was now at my niece. Beside her stood Rob McCray, fifty pounds heavier with a head of thin, gray hair. I wasn’t even one hundred percent sure it was him, until he put his arm around my sister. There was a boy standing with them who looked about thirteen or fourteen. I could tell he was my nephew because he looked so much like Van.
More couples had come out and taken their places beside the balloon arch while I had been watching my sister and her family. Once the last couple found their place, the gymnasium became startlingly quiet. I twisted Valencia’s ring, waiting.
“And now it’s time to announce tonight’s king and queen!” boomed the voice of the announcer. The gymnasium crowd erupted into claps and cheers, and then quickly quieted itself again, until all that could be heard was the tiny cough of a child, followed by his mother whispering, “Shhh.”
“The 2007 Stewartville Winter Formal King and Queen are… Coral McCray and Elliott Johnson!”
The balloons dropped while Coral and Elliott made another round. The crowd cheered and Valencia snapped more pictures. Rob lifted his pinkies to his mouth and whistled. I found myself edging a little closer to them.
“Congratulations, Val! You must be so proud of her,” I heard a woman exclaim, giving my sister a hug. Coral and Elliott were back beneath the balloon arch and last year’s king and queen were placing crowns on their heads. I inched closer still to Valencia, until I was only ten feet away. The right side of her face bore a long, raised scar from the edge of her nose all the way to her ear lobe. Her cute little nose was crooked now. She was damaged goods, in an unremarkable, dismissible way. Like a farmer missing a couple fingers. Did people wonder what had happened to her? Did anyone know? Did she have a story she had told so many times that it was almost now like a second truth?
She had removed her purple cap and it was hanging out of her pocket. I was close enough to see her gray roots, see her pack of cigarettes popping out of her cheap purse. She was chewing gum, a habit I despised, and when she turned, her open winter coat revealed pleat-front jeans that came up to her belly button, the flannel shirt clumsily tucked into them. Our eyes met and for just a moment locked. I opened my mouth and drew in a breath, ready to say something, yet that breath caught there and didn’t produce a word. And then Valencia’s eyes continued past me and back to her daughter who was beaming for the local paper’s photographer. This scene inspired her to pick up her camera and take some more pictures. Next she grabbed a balled up tissue from her purse, and wiped at the tip of her nose. She did not look back at me.
The crowd began to thin. The lights dimmed and the announcer told us that the parents were welcome to stay and dance. The students looked at one another with horrified expressions on their faces. Valencia and Rob were moving away from me, zipping up their coats, preparing to leave. Their son had already gone on ahead of them. I had come too far to let this go. I followed them, finding it difficult to keep up with my strappy heels and pregnant belly. As they prepared to slip out a side door of the gymnasium, I reached them and tapped on Valencia’s back. She looked back at me, blankly.
“You must be so proud,” I said. My voice was shaking. “Of your daughter,” I added, when she did not immediately respond.
The three of us stood there in that open doorway, blocking traffic. I smiled, waiting to see what happened next. My eyes were moist and my heart was pounding. I swallowed dryly.
“Thank you,” said Rob McCray, when his wife still made no effort to answer.
“Rob, Val, why don’t you meet us at the bowling alley,” called a man standing down the hall in a small group of parents near the restrooms.
“We sure are proud of her. Thanks,” Valencia finally said to me, a puzzled but not particularly interested look on her face. She clearly had no idea who I was. Then she turned her back to me and continued through the door, out into the hall, not even making an effort to hold it for me. “Sounds good, Todd. We’ll just run home and drop off Mikey, and we’ll meet you over there.”
Rob went into the men’s room and Valencia joined the group. She fumbled through her purse, then her pocket, found her cigarettes and lighter, apparently ready to use them the second she stepped outside. I hung back watching. I buttoned my coat, trying to blend in with the other people leaving. She paid no attention to me. Indelicately she coughed, stepped back from her friends, and went to the water fountain for a drink. A brief, phantom limb memory revealed itself as her hand reflexively moved to hold back the long hair that had once been such a part of her identity, and then fell uselessly to her side when its grasp met the collar of her jacket. She no longer had beautiful hair to hold back out of the way. Every last detail of her had changed.
I realized then that Valencia really had died that night, long ago. This woman who had resigned herself to having an average, forgettable life bore no resemblance to the Valencia I had once known. I suppose I could have seen her as a fighter, a survivor, but the fighting she had done to become, simply, a survivor, was twenty-one years in the past. And no matter what she
had gone through, there was no excuse to aspire only to survive.
Is this good enough for you, Valencia? I wondered. I wanted to shake her. It was not good enough for Valencia, but it was good enough for Val.
Who was there left to believe in? I had never much believed in God. It really was possible, likely even, that we humans were nothing more than very advanced fish. So who could blame us for being such colossal failures? We were all equally meaningless, pointlessly judging one another. Success or failure, what did it matter, anyhow?
As I walked past her, slipped her class ring off my finger (it never had really fit me), and dropped it into her open purse, I knew that if she had recognized me I would have forgiven everything. Even the mom jeans.
Chapter 75
When I arrived back in Savannah, my new home was parked a half block down from our house. I stopped myself from checking it out immediately, and instead went right inside as if everything were normal.
“Hello, Adrian,” I said, surprising him in his studio.
“Hey! You’re home,” he said, getting up to pour me some iced tea. We sat down together in the living room. The naked painting of me was finished and was hanging above our couch. The part of the face not covered with hair looked suspiciously like my sister’s senior picture.
“You finished the painting,” I remarked.
“I did.”
“Well how about that.” I sipped my tea and scratched at a bug bite on my ankle.
“Look at the bright blue camper!” Adrian exclaimed, pulling back the curtain and pointing down the street. I hadn’t realized that Bruce was going to paint the outside too.
“It’s really something,” I said. I got up and looked back at it, a little sliver of doubt momentarily eclipsing the sunshine of the open road in my future. There were a few things I hadn’t thought about. Like, how fun would rambling around in that thing be when I was nine months pregnant? And where would I have the baby? My doctor was, of course, here in Savannah, but if I stuck around until then I might as well just keep living with Adrian. And what if someone tried to break in? The walls were so thin.
Surviving Valencia Page 30
