A mound of emotions overflows my veins. So many I can feel them ready to burst — guilt for doing this to Ellie. Remorse prying them open and bleeding right through my skin.
“I’m not afraid of snakes, Renita.”
“Maybe not, but Ellie is. She always will be, Logan. Listen, I didn’t come here to make things easy for you. I came here to confront the man who told me he wouldn’t hurt Ellie. To find out why you didn’t have the guts to tell her you were married to evil in the first place. A man Ellie saw something in that she looked past things that go against what she believes in. A man who she had an instant connection with regardless that you were associated with the man who hurt her beyond comprehension. Do you know the kind of man I see after you told me why you married evil?”
Slow breathing leaks from Renita’s lips, and in place of guilt is something I don’t expect.
Approval.
“I see a man who thought he was helping her the only way he knew how — a man who made a terrible choice. A man who was too young to understand that what they did to Ellie is something money can’t buy. As noble as what you did might be, Ellie would have told you to leave them be if she would have had you. She needs you now in more ways than providing protection, but Ellie has to figure that out on her own, Logan.”
I grit my teeth. Pain spears through the middle of me. Nails driving right through my hands.
What the hell is she saying?
“Do you expect me to stay away? I can’t do that, Renita. I owe her the truth.”
“Yes, you do. Ellie had a panic attack, Logan. That’s what you saw earlier — seeing Whitney triggered it. If Whitney got that reaction out of her, imagine what will happen if she sees Shadow. Ellie is a lot stronger than she realizes. I’m not asking you to stay away for good. I’m telling you for the time being you need to.”
Gritting my teeth, I look away, knowing once again she’s right.
“Is she okay?” Worry and concern rush through my blood, reminding me once again this is my fault.
“She was sleeping when I left; she’ll be okay once she realizes her strength outweighs her fear. And trust me when that happens, Whitney will wish she was dead if Ellie gets to her.”
If I weren’t unsure of anything anymore, I’d laugh at how sure Renita is. Makes me want to give Ellie the time she needs just to watch her go off on Whitney.
But I won’t.
“She’s mine to protect. Mine to care for, mine to carry the burden. I won’t stay away from her, Renita. You’re wasting your time here if you think I will. I’ll fight until my last breath for her forgiveness. I’ll die protecting her. It’s my choice to decide if I want to stay away or not. You won’t take that away from me. It’s my choice to heal the pain I’ve caused.”
Fury lashes as I think back to the way Ellie stood in my doorway in a foggy daze while I was in too much shock to move, to go to her and explain it all. Those tears dried up in an instant the minute she grabbed hold of her strength. I saw how her mind wanted to fall back in time and the fear of what’s to come, Ellie so firmly shoved away because she wasn’t going to show it in front of Whitney. Ellie was ready to break, and yet she stood there and ignored the bait Whitney was trying to feed her.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. What have I done? My chest squeezes, and I attempt to swallow around the jagged pieces of destruction I caused that punctures holes in my lungs.
“Good, then I believe you’ve passed my test, Logan. If you had agreed to stay away, I would have pulled the gun out of my bag and shot you without caring if someone lodged a bullet in my head before I reached my car. Now let me tell you something else.”
My response is lifting a brow and smirking. The player was played. Only this time it’s for a priceless prize.
“And what’s that?”
“The day I met you, I saw a man who was living in torture. Conflicted by the agony he knew he was going to cause a woman he genuinely cares for.”
“True.” The one word is all that’ll slide past the tightness in my throat.
“I also saw evil, Logan. I have it in me. To a point, Ellie does too. It’s not the same kind Whitney and Shadow have. It’s the kind that knows right from wrong and when wrong gets away with something we seek out to protect, and sometimes protecting others leads us to piss poor choices and doing the unforgivable — things that will likely send us to Hell. It’s a sacrifice a protective and caring person is willing to take. If you care as much as you say you do, then be the man you promised Ellie you’d be. It’s up to you to figure out who that man is.”
Chapter 5
Ellie
I can’t stop my hands from shaking. I’ve knocked a stack of t-shirts over. Broken a few picture frames, and every time someone walks through the door of the store, I take in a deep breath, and my shoulders shake in fear. The fear is a weight dangling from my ribcage and a dull ache in my eyes.
God, I hate being fearful.
In the beginning, it was the stage of healing I couldn’t get past. That is until the stage of strength came along, and once I gripped hold of it, I held onto it. Possibly a little too tightly. It worked for me until Logan Mitchell came into my life.
Fear used to wake me up at night, and it took a long time for me to open my eyes and allow myself to become the woman I’ve grown to be. Determined and full of strength.
I need to feel fear, own it, and let it ignite my thoughts for a little while.
To let it fuel the betrayal, the need, and hope until they simmer and boil into a frenzy of strength.
Overflowing.
“I’ll hang these, Ellie.” Norah smiles at me sadly, leaning down to where I’m sitting in one of the overstuffed chairs we found at a flea market and touches her lips to the top of my head before taking the dresses I priced from my hand.
I appreciate her attempt at settling my mind. However, all it does is agitate my nerves more. Both her and Renita have been tiptoeing on eggshells around me all day. I’m sick of it.
I should have stayed in bed this morning or went for a swim — a hundred different things besides being here.
Run, my frightened mind tells me.
But I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to start all over again without my family, and I would never ask them to uproot themselves from a place they’ve grown to love as much as me.
Commotion rages through me; all this clatter banging around in my head is enough to drive me mad.
My insides are ablaze with the aftermath of my meltdown.
Once I breathed through the panic, and my mind began to clear, images flickered of the confident man who completely shook up my world, to the hollow, hurtful, expression on Logan’s face when I caught a glimpse of him yesterday. I could feel those persuasive, forest-green eyes searing into me. Begging and promising everything was going to be alright.
I half expected Logan to climb out of the black SUV I noticed this morning when we opened because that look the other day cut me deep, and I’ve been clinging to it since I woke. It told me he was having a hard time not being able to reach out and touch me, that he couldn’t last one more second of not easing the pain eating me from the inside out.
I can feel him out there — his raw and unconcealed intensity.
The man wants me to know he’s there, and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to keep my eyes trained away, to resist looking, my attention hasn’t allowed it.
Pull.
I want to grab the invisible rope and let him tug me toward him.
That look on his face has me believing he was telling the truth when he said things are not what they seem. I don’t know what he meant by that, but after repeating those words in my head over and over, the part of me wanting to believe what we started was as real for him as it was for me. The man hates Whitney as much as I do. I’m sure of it.
But why? Why would he hide her from me, and where has she been all this time?
Something isn’t right.
So many questions are pummelling my brain — all m
ixing with a flood of terrorized fear and hope and anger. I can’t catch my breath.
My heart and head hurt from it all.
Closing my eyes and sucking in a lungful of air, I release some of the pain buried inside of me.
“You’re going to be okay, Ellie Mae. Listen to your heart and face your fear head-on. You are our strong girl, and no one can drag you down unless you let them.”
I can hear my parents softly telling me while my mind struggles to accept it. The truth that Logan could hurt me just for shits and giggles. That I would choose the one man in this world who made me feel something and he ended up being as dangerous as I knew him to be. Only that danger came in ways that broke my heart as well as could kill my family and me.
I can feel the floor shake beneath my feet, feel the twist of emotions threatening to strangle me.
My nerves jump around in my body as I grasp hold of the little bit of willpower I have left to get through the rest of the day. I take a look around and lock eyes with Renita. My heart is squeezing and releasing as I take in her expression. It’s troubling yet soothing.
It’s full of hope.
“I don’t understand how I’ve fallen for Logan in just a few short weeks. In the bit of time I’ve known him, I’ve learned that he is powerful, but he’s also tender, and protective. I saw so much in his eyes, at least I thought I did. How could it all have been a lie?”
Renita’s lips turn upward when I glance her way. I don’t miss the guilty look she exchanges with Norah as if they know something they don’t want to tell me, but feel they should.
It confuses the hell out of me.
“You might not be happy with what Logan has to say. I think once you hear him out and let it sink in, you’ll understand. He’s not the bad guy you think he is, Ellie.”
I narrow my gaze, immediately on edge from Renita’s remark.
“What do you mean? You talked to him?” My voice cracks, betrayed by her keeping this from me.
“Yes, and I believe every word he said, if you want to know, then hightail your ass out there and talk to him. If you don’t, then go out there and tell him you aren’t ready to talk. Logan is edgy and dangerous to those who hurt others, Ellie, but he is not a threat to you. He’s a man who made a mistake he’s paying a high price for, that price is losing you. He meant it when he said things are not what they seem. He has a heart behind his wall of steel, and I honest to God believe you are the only woman he has ever let inside to see it.” She moves toward me, and I want to drop my eyes.
I know better than to hide from Renita. The one thing she told us when we speak is to look someone in the eye whether it hurts or not.
Inside, I’m begging for the walls Logan knocked down to come up, and for the mask I used to wear so well to cover my emotions to slide over my face.
They don’t listen; they leave me exposed.
Vulnerable and ripping at the seams.
“You can be pissed at me all you want. I’d much rather see you angry than to watch you lose what you’ve gained. No one walks in other people’s shoes. That man is hurting as badly as you are. You need to push aside what happened to you for the time being and talk to him. I won’t apologize for seeking out my peace of mind, Ellie. The only way you’ll be able to find yours and step back into your shoes and walk is by listening to Logan. The decision to stride forward or shuffle backward from there is up to you. Me? I’d much rather see angry Ellie come out.”
Renita’s honesty has always been raw and real. She tells it like it is. And her words, they sting, and they heal in a biting way. Still, I can’t seem to get my lips to shift past neutral. They won’t gear upward no matter how hard I try.
“What I do is up to me.” I shake my head and release a fuming laugh through clenched teeth.
“And what I do to protect you is my choice. We are family, Ellie, and family doesn’t stand by and watch those they love let something go that is right for them. At least I don’t. You wouldn’t either. I won’t stand by and watch you lose your mind because of Whitney, Ellie Mae. You are a grown woman who has every right to be scared. You want to be angry and lash out at Logan, then fine by me. You want to sit and talk to him reasonably; you can do that too. I’d much rather see you furious than watch fear rip you apart again. I don’t care how you get the betrayal out of you, but you will not get lost to where we can’t find you.”
I stare at her, knowing what she is doing. She wants my rage to pulse through me and shove fear out of the way.
“Shadow knows where I am. He does, I can feel it in here.” I place my hand over my aching heart. “You went to my counseling with me, Renita. I will always fear Shadow. No matter how strong I am, I will never be able to let go of that, you—” She cuts me off by placing her hand over my mouth.
“I know that, Ellie. Shadow isn’t here right now. You need to deal with Whitney first. One step at a time, baby girl. Logan did you wrong, and he knows it. I swear once you open your eyes and listen to him, you’ll see things in a new way. Will it unbreak your heart? Probably not. That’s up to Logan to mend it. Trust me, Ellie, this battle will be worth every bit of pain you are going through when you win and get to the other side. You are strong, and the longer you wait to hear him out, the more time you waste.”
The breath I don’t realize I’m holding shudders out of me when out of my peripheral, I latch onto the driver’s door to the SUV opening. And even though I wish Renita would have told me, I’m grateful I have her and Norah to catch me when two black booted feet hit the pavement, and Logan’s brown head of hair comes into sight.
I stand there, emotions ready to swallow me whole when he slams the door.
Logan’s savage scowl enhances the dark circles under his eyes. He looks torn.
Beaten and utterly defeated.
And, gorgeous.
His masculine body and presence has me swaying.
Dressed in a dark blue t-shirt with jeans that hang low on his hips, days of stubble on his jaw, muscles straining in his arms and chest, eyes heavily laden with guilt as he crosses the street and seeks me out through the window.
There are so many emotions radiating off of him that I don’t know whether to run upstairs or into his arms.
I’m not doing either.
I’m moving toward the door before my brain catches up. I completely lose all reason. My sanity unleashes in a violent state of mind as I push through the door.
Bitterness and resentment.
That’s what I need to grip hold of until I’m ready to talk to him.
I deserve to be angry, damnit.
I jab my finger in his chest when he reaches me, straight over his heart. I poke and prod, remove the invisible rope from around my neck and drop it at his feet. His eyes go wide and a smirk crests across those tempting lips. My rage entertains him.
Bastard.
“You’re beautiful, even when angry.”
Logan’s eyes soften as he lifts a hand and cups my cheek. I want to lean into it.
I square my shoulders, shoving away the connection between us.
“You’re a real piece of work. How dare you say that to me,” I sneer, turning away and walking around the corner until I’m far enough out of passerby’s ears.
When I turn around, Logan doesn’t give me a chance to say anything before he grips me by the waist and pins me with his hard body to the side of the building. One hand slides up my back, the other goes to the pulse at my throat and then he kisses me. Hot, warm breath goes straight to my lungs.
This kiss, him, Whitney, Shadow, Renita, they all piss me the hell off. It doesn’t stop me from kissing him back, though. I suck his tongue, bite his bottom lip and devour his mouth.
Reckless.
Lack of restraint.
It’s an assertive kiss from both of us, but Logan, he snatches all the control without being domineering.
When he scrapes his tongue across my teeth and grinds his dick into me. My hands go straight to his ass and grip.
&
nbsp; God, this is thoughtless. I can’t help myself. I kiss him like it’s the last kiss I will ever have, and he does the same. His tongue explores my mouth in an angry twist with mine. Delves in every corner and crevice, biting and nipping and God, I don’t want him to stop.
There’s a burning fever that hits me between my legs and kicks the fear right out of me.
It’s wet; it’s earth-shattering.
It’s wrong.
Questions and answers.
They knock sense back into me.
I can’t do this.
“No.” My hands press against his chest. I shove him away, and before I know what I’m doing, I slap him so hard it stings my palm. I beat on his chest so many times I lose count. Punching until my muscles hurt and my arms feel like wet, limp noodles.
Logan does nothing but stands there and looks at me as if he knows he deserves this plus so much more.
“You have no right to touch me when you have a wife. No right to show up here and think I’m ready to talk to you, Logan. Shadow is coming. He’ll get me. He will. He’ll hurt everyone I care about. I don’t know what’s going on or how you managed to convince Renita you are trustworthy, but you did. You used me. You hurt me. Did you fuck her? You have me so messed up I don’t know anything anymore.”
Eyes watery, I swipe at them, my levelheadedness rising to my throat and dropping to my stomach, heart pounding so hard it pulses in my ears.
My head is rolling around like a tumbleweed. I am dried up and distorted. Every emotion is jingling loud in my ears: hurt, anger, sadness, pain.
I want it to stop. This heart war that is bleeding me dry.
“No, goddamnit. I did not. Please, listen to me, Ellie. I need you to hear this, really hear it. I’m not giving you up. You are mine, and I am yours. My marriage is on paper only. It’s always been. There’s so much you need to know. Not a damn thing makes what I did to you right. Telling you I’m sorry seems meager after what I’ve done. I promised you safety, and I meant it. You are safe. If you run, if you try pulling away from what we are building, I will chase you, I will tug you back to me, and I will kidnap you if that’s what it takes for you to hear me out.”
Undone (Unbound Trilogy Book 2) Page 5
