The edge in his voice almost made me lie.
“A little,” I answered, honestly.
His eyes closed and he pulled out some.
“You can go on,” I pleaded.
He didn’t listen to me. He kissed me again before moving down to my breast. There was some kind of tether from there to my core, because the fullness of him didn’t hurt as much as before. He inched his way in and back off repeatedly until he was fully inside me again. Slowly, a heat so intense took over. I lost all reason and curled a leg around his, moving to urge him on.
“Fuucckk,” he mumbled. “You feel so fucking good.”
I cried out because I was coming to a feverish peak.
He must have felt it too, because finally he increased his tempo.
This time was better than when he used his mouth. My inner walls gripped him, taking the pleasure higher. I moaned or screamed or both as he lost his rhythm, and he moved in me with shortening strokes. He groaned in my neck and we lay in a heap as I attempted to regain control of my limbs.
He rolled over in the small place, pulling free from me. Curious about what had given me so much pleasure, I spied it the same time he did. We froze, looking at a condom that didn’t cover him. It was rolled up at the base of his dick.
“It busted,” he said in utter shock.
Tade
Somewhere along the way it had burst, and from the feel of her it had to have happened at the very beginning. That explained why it had felt so unbelievable.
Fuck.
Her eyes had to have been as large as mine. “It’s my fault,” I blurted. “I should have put the condom on.”
I knew better. You had to pinch the tip to eliminate air so this didn’t happen. I’d been so caught up with her hands on me, I hadn’t been thinking.
“You don’t have to worry about getting anything from me. I’ve never once gone without before and I’ve never…” I left the words about not having a condom burst on me before out. I didn’t want her to feel bad. Besides, that was the least of our troubles.
“Are you on the pill?” I asked hesitantly. I could feel my face was pinched, like I’d swallowed something hot. There was no easy way to ask and I didn’t want her taking the question the wrong way.
She shook her head no.
“I’m…going to clean this up.”
I scrambled off the bed and avoided her eyes. She hadn’t said anything and I didn’t know what else to do. I’d had the best sex of my life, too bad what it could mean. I dragged on a pair of shorts from my drawer before I peeked outside my door. No one was out there, and the place seemed quiet. I hoped that everyone was out for the night.
In the bathroom, as I stared into the mirror, I could hear my father’s voice and his mantra. Never go without it. It isn’t worth it, son. The result of one mistake lasts for a lifetime. He drilled it into me every time he’d known I was going out. At the end of his speech he would hand me a fresh box. Don’t be cheap; use new ones so you don’t end up with more than you bargained for.
He hadn’t, however, warned me about letting a girl put it on for me. I splashed water on my face after I cleaned up. Once I was done, I got a fresh washcloth from the tiny linen closet and wet it. When I made it back to my room, she lay there staring at the ceiling and I wished I could hear her thoughts.
In an awkward moment, I couldn’t decide if I should hand her the towel so she could clean off. I sat down and decided to gently do it myself. She jerked at my touch, but she would be sore there. I’d forgotten all about it being her first time before I plowed into her.
I tried to be gentler. When I finished, I tossed the towel in a corner and scooped up my shirt. I handed it to her before lying next to her. After she shrugged it on, I tucked her into my side.
We said nothing more for the rest of the night. It took a long while before I fell asleep.
Awkwardness dawned with the day. It wasn’t just because I hadn’t often spent the night with anyone. It was more about the complete fuckup from last night.
I lay there with her still tucked against me. My mind was chaotic with thoughts about what she meant to me.
“Morning,” she murmured, stirring more than my attention. Her eyes shone from a collision with a shaft of light from the window. “I should go.”
She sat up, resting her back on the wall. My shirt covered all the parts of her that stole concentration.
“Are you okay?”
I wasn’t sure how to bring up what happened last night.
She nodded.
“No regrets?”
She shook her head before glancing out the window.
“I really should go.” She started to move and I gripped her hips to stop her.
“Wait, you don’t have to.”
“I do. I have to work on my project. Besides, I really want to shower and I don’t have any clothes with me.”
You can wear mine, I thought, but she was already up, shrugging into her jeans. I watched the show, longing to be inside her again, but I would sound like an ass telling her those things. Had she wanted me to profess my feelings? Hell, I didn’t know what I was feeling except I didn’t want her to leave, but couldn’t find the words to tell her.
She kept my shirt on and I said nothing. I liked the idea of her wearing it and thinking of me.
“I’ll see you later,” she said, before the door closed like a precursor.
I should have walked her downstairs or to her dorm. But my thoughts were too sluggish as I heard the front door close with a resounding thwack.
I slumped into my pillow before tugging it from behind my head to smash it on my face. I’d fucked that up.
A knock at my door had me wondering if I’d been granted a second chance until Gavin poked his head in. “Was that Reagan leaving?”
I tossed the pillow to my feet and pushed back my hair. “Yep.”
“I think I smell the aroma of sex warmed over.”
“Fuck you.” I was in no mood for Gavin’s shit.
“Sure are pissy for someone who finally hit it. I was wondering if it was ever going to happen. I thought maybe you lost your touch.”
Quickly, I sat up and snagged the pillow to throw it at his head. “She’s not like that, so don’t talk about her that way.”
His head went back. “Oh, this one’s important to you.”
There was no use in denying it. “Yes. So shut the fuck up.”
“Did you guys fight or something?”
I hadn’t wanted to have this conversation with him but he’d figured out we’d done it. And I needed to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do next. “We aren’t fighting.” I sighed before admitting the truth. “The fucking rubber busted.”
“Shit.” He dragged out the word like the curse it was. “I guess you had a come-to-Jesus moment.”
He meant shit got real, but at the same time it had been real good. The feeling of being with her, skin to skin, had topped every sexual encounter I’d ever had. If I hadn’t feared the possible consequences, I wouldn’t wear a condom again.
“You haven’t ever gone bareback have you?” He read my silence. Slowly, I shifted my head side to side. “It’s a life changer, isn’t it?”
It had been heavenly. The thought of sinking into her again had me reaching for a halo.
“That isn’t the issue,” I professed.
“Oh, I know what the issue is. Did you suggest the morning after pill to her?”
“Morning after pill?”
He gaped at me.
“What? This shit has never happened to me before.”
I shoved a hand through my hair.
“Dude,” he said like he was preparing to educate me. “They have an emergency pill for shit like this to stop her from getting pregnant.”
“And it works”
“Damn right.”
“She didn’t mention it.”
“Well, call her up and suggest it.”
“I don’t know.”
As much as I didn’t want a kid, it felt like a douche move. Any other girl and I’d text her real quick like. But with Reagan…Even with my Dad running for president, I couldn’t pull a dick move like that with her.
“Why not? They’re your swimmers. You have a say in this too.”
“It’s her body,” I said, feeling defeated. Would I be a total wanker if I brought it up?
“If it was me, I would have walked her to the clinic and convinced her it was her idea.”
“Sounds like you have experience.”
He shrugged and left me alone. I tucked a different pillow under my head. I pulled out my phone to text Biscuit. I hoped our first time together wasn’t our last.
35
PAST
If there was a God, I prayed that this first time would be my last. When I’d awoken in the beige room with padded walls and floor, I’d cried. Everything was the same color including the flimsy bra and underwear I wore. Even the tiny bathroom off to the side, although it had a white toilet and tiny sink, it somehow blended in with everything else.
The small pallet made with a thick comforter wasn’t much help. It couldn’t be twisted into a noose, though I tried.
Not long after I checked out my surroundings, he’d come in with a dress he demanded I wear.
Dumbly, I thought maybe if I was good, he’d leave me alone. Putting on the dress meant I was wearing more than I had been.
When I stepped into the room next door, it looked fit for a king. Only it would turn into my hellish prison.
“Lie down,” he demanded.
I’d been so busy scanning the place for escape, a weapon, I couldn’t be sure. He hit me so hard, I’d fallen sprawled face down on the bed. The silky fabric beneath my skin wasn’t what made it crawl like ants marching over me. I flipped over, afraid that he’d do that again. Our time on the boat was still fresh in my memory.
Panic struck, but it was too late to fight as he bound one wrist and then the other to the bedpost. The dress had been only for his thrill as he ripped it from me along with everything else.
“I’d wanted to be easy our first time, but you had to go and piss me off.”
He’d muttered more to himself than to me. He’d pounced like a leopard on its prey and stole my childish dreams of picking the guy who’d be my first.
All that was gone and something broke inside me.
36
REAGAN
Megan was up and holding her phone in one hand and a steaming cup of coffee in the other when I walked in.
“Is there any more of that?” I asked, hoping to stave off any of her questions.
“Sure, and don’t bother denying you and Tade got busy. The bow-legged walk is a telltale sign.”
I stopped in my tracks.
“So was he as good as they say he is?”
I didn’t like the idea that he’d been with girls at my school. I couldn’t blame him, as his past was his as mine was mine. That didn’t mean I liked it.
“I’ll tell you once you dish on what happened between you and Gavin.”
It was a dare I thought she’d back down on. I was wrong.
“Fine, he and I got pretty close to, you know…” She circled her finger in the air. I wasn’t sure what she was doing, but I got what she meant. “Then he stops and says he’s not good enough for me and leaves me hanging. Then he doesn’t call or anything for two days after.”
I was a bit mystified by her declaration. “Two days?”
“Exactly, like he didn’t call or text. Two days later, I walk in the café and he’s like chatting up some girl. Apparently he’s good enough for her.” She was on a roll, waving her hands around while telling her story. “And when I stormed over there and gave him a piece of my mind, he had the nerve to call me crazy.”
“Did you give him a chance to explain?”
That set her off. She glared at me like I’d given up my sisterhood card.
“Explain? What was there to explain? He didn’t call. Has Tade contacted you?”
Though she was deflecting, as there had to be more to her story, I answered her anyway.
“I just left,” I explained. She folded her arms across her chest and waited for me to spill it. “Okay, he just texted me.”
“Uh, huh. So give up the goods. Did you bump uglies or what?”
I flopped down on a chair. “Yes, but you don’t have to make an announcement about it.”
“I’m your best friend. Who would I tell?”
I started counting off the names of people she hung out with.
“I would never betray you like that.”
I’d never told her a secret before. Though in my heart, I trusted her. And I had a bigger worry I couldn’t ignore any longer.
“The condom broke.”
“What? Wait? How?”
I gave her a stare that said, really?
“Okay, I know how, not specifically.” She waited, but I didn’t fill her in. Some things were sacred. “Did you get the morning after pill?”
“Morning after pill?”
I’d never been on the pill, and hadn’t been with anyone, so I’d never had a need to know about such things.
Sadly, the on-campus pharmacy was closed.
“We could go to the store,” Megan suggested.
“Did you magically get a car?”
That shut her up.
“How about an Uber?”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t have a credit card to set up an account.” Or any kind of card for that matter. “You know how my parents are.”
Mom didn’t think it was necessary for me to have a bank account. It was another way to shackle me. She didn’t even give me much cash in order to keep me from doing anything away from campus. The money Dad had given me I’d blown on stupid stuff like drinking with Megan on her birthday that day long ago.
“My card is maxed, otherwise I’d spot you. I can’t even order it for you off Amazon, I’m so broke. So go tomorrow.”
“Can’t. My parents are picking me up for spring break.”
“Ooo.”
“Yeah, I’d already put them off from getting me on Friday.”
“Do it before they come?”
“Are you kidding? Mom will be here at the crack of dawn. She’s been itching for me to come home.”
“What does Tade think?”
“He’s got a meet coming up. He’s not going anywhere. Are you still going home?”
“No.” She looked a little sad. “Mom’s got a new boyfriend who’s living in the house. I’ll pass and hang out here.”
“You can come with me.”
Though I wanted to spare her from my mother, it would be great not to be alone.
“Are you sure?”
“Why not? Maybe Mom will calm down some. Though you have to mind your language, young lady.” I mocked a fake parental voice. “And your manners.”
She laughed. “This could be fun.”
“It could be or Mom will drive you insane and you’ll hitchhike your way back here.”
“I don’t know. Living the life of Reagan Winters might be fun.”
We giggled and it felt good. More than I had in a long time, I felt like a normal human being until Megan spoke again.
“You know it’s unlikely you’ll get pregnant. They say it’s like one day a month that it could possibly happen. When was the last time you had your period?”
I didn’t keep a record. “Not too long ago.”
I’d remembered that much because things had gotten hot and heavy with Tade and me. I had to stop him, not because I wasn’t ready, that time. I’d been on my cycle.
“Then you’re cool. But I can make an excuse to your parents about needing to pick up a prescription and get it for you.”
Relief washed over me. “You’d do that?”
“Hell, yeah.”
I didn’t have time to talk to Tade before I left. Megan had to help me dye my hair back to get rid of the pink highlights so Mom wouldn’t fre
ak out.
We were driving down to the main road when I spotted a guy taking pictures.
“Hey, isn’t he taking pictures of—” I pinched Megan’s leg before she mentioned Tade’s name. I didn’t want Mom asking twenty questions. Luckily, she got it. “—the rowing team. They must be really popular.”
“The water is the devil,” Mom began.
And I had to wonder if it had been such a good idea to bring a friend home.
37
TADE
The first rowing meet of the season was coming. With Biscuit home for spring break, I was left guessing where things stood between us.
“You guys going to the bonfire tonight? Booze and drunk chicks,” Shawn said, the new eighth man, a replacement for Gavin since he’d broken his arm.
“Not me,” I said.
When Shawn looked confused, Gavin decided to clarify for me. “He’s got a girlfriend and his new nickname is pussy.”
The guys laughed as I scowled.
“Shit, Astor, you’ve tied yourself down to one chick?”
“She’s worth it,” I said.
“I’d like to meet the girl that blocked your cock.”
I wasn’t going to let these guys get to me. “Not going to happen.”
It took the guys laughing and starting to raze Shawn before he got it and flipped me off.
But it was the guy with the camera that caught my attention. He stood on the other side of the boathouse with his lens aimed in my direction. I couldn’t tell if it was the same guy. If I stared in that direction too long, he’d have a good shot of me. I wanted to rush over there and demand answers. But with my crew there, I couldn’t handle the situation the way I wanted to.
Out the corner of my eye, the man disappeared around the side of the building, taking my opportunity away. As I heaved the boat with my crew onto the water, I wondered if I was making too much out of it. McClain was known for water sports and it was the season. Maybe he wasn’t taking pictures of me.
Rowing had a way of relaxing me even when calling out to the crew and working in tandem with other guys who moaned about extra practice. All thoughts of cameramen disappeared.
Because of Him Page 13
