by Various
Why? She was used to huge, public gatherings and yet she felt as shy and conspicuous as she had at her first ball at Balfour Manor.
Sitting down next to him it was impossible not to be aware that she was the focus of attention. ‘They’re wondering what a guy like you is doing with a girl like me.’
‘I think it’s obvious to every red-blooded man in the room what I’m doing with you,’ Zafiq drawled, apparently indifferent to the gossip and speculation. ‘If it weren’t for protocol we would have skipped this part of the evening and gone straight up to my rooms.’
‘Wow. I must fall off your horse more often.’ Bella kept her tone light, but her heart was thundering like Batal’s hooves in the race. So it wasn’t going to end with dinner, then.
Unable to eat anything, she pushed her food around her plate. Every time Zafiq’s arm brushed against hers she jumped, and every time he turned to talk to her she found herself tongue-tied and gauche.
By the time he finally rose from the table and led her from the room, she was a nervous wreck. The only thing she knew for sure was that she was crazily in love with him.
She had no idea at all how he felt about her.
Grateful, obviously, because she’d saved his beloved Amira. But was it anything more than that?
As Zafiq guided her past the guards and into his private room, Bella caught his arm. ‘Wait a minute. I really need to ask you something.’
‘Anything.’ His tone indulgent, he removed his tie and stepped towards her, cupping her face in his hands. ‘But make it quick. I’ve already waited too long for this moment and I’m not prepared to waste what time we have together talking.’
‘Would you have invited me as your guest to the ball if I’d lost the race?’
‘What sort of a question is that?’
‘I—I just want to understand why I’m here.’ Say something nice to me, her brain was shrieking and he gave a smile of masculine appreciation.
‘You’re here,’ he said huskily, ‘because I have denied myself long enough.’
‘So what’s happened to duty and responsibility?’
‘Our relationship has no impact on my ability to perform my duties.’ He slid his fingers through her hair and trailed his lips along the line of her jaw and Bella moaned, feeling the immediate response of her body.
Suddenly she was on fire—his weeks of denial had been her weeks of denial, too. And during those weeks she’d thought long and hard about who she was and who she wanted to be.
‘Wait a minute.’ She pulled back slightly, remembering the promise she’d made to herself in the cold, dark hours of the night when she’d lain awake feeling lonely and reliving those moments in the desert.
She was going to change.
She’d promised herself that if fate ever threw him in her path again, she wasn’t going to just follow her instincts, she was going to use her brain.
If he’d wanted her for anything other than sex, then it would have been different, but now she was here, she was under no illusions about what was on offer.
‘I can’t wait.’ His hand came behind her neck and his mouth came down on hers, his kiss dark, forbidden and meltingly sexy, and a bolt of heat shot through her from mouth to toes. Only the memory of the emotional agony she’d suffered over the past few weeks gave her the strength to do what she had to do.
‘No! This isn’t—I can’t!’ She pushed against his chest. ‘I don’t want to be the one you have fun with while you’re finalising plans to choose your bride and do your duty.’
‘You’re saying you don’t want this?’
‘Of course I want this.’ Bella groaned. ‘I just don’t want what’s coming afterwards. I don’t want to have to drag myself out of bed every morning feeling as though the world has ended. I don’t want that awful ache in my chest. I felt bruised, Zafiq, like you’d gouged part of me away with a blunt instrument—it was worse than falling off Batal. I just don’t want to feel that way again.’
‘You’re saying no?’ Under different circumstances the disbelief in his tone would have made her laugh.
‘I know that isn’t a word you’ve heard very often, but if you look it up in the dictionary, it’s the opposite of yes. And I’m not saying no because I want to challenge your authority or be generally annoying, or do any of those things likely to make you want to overrule me on principle. I’m just trying to keep us both sane.’
‘Saying no keeps you sane?’
‘Yes…no.’ Bella groaned and dug her fingers in her hair, gritting her teeth with frustration. ‘I can’t have an on-off relationship. It’s like rubbing yourself over the teeth of a saw! It hurts too much.’
The breath hissed through his teeth. ‘Staying away from you has been driving me mad.’
‘So why did you stay away from me, Zafiq? Was it because of your father?’ She was taking a huge risk, but she had to ask the question. ‘Are you trying not to be like him? Is that why you’re denying what we have?’
‘What do you know about my father?’
‘I know you’re afraid to be like him. I know you’ll marry someone you’ve chosen with your head, not your heart. And—’ it took a supreme effort to force the words past her lips ‘—I don’t want what you’re offering. I don’t want to be the Sheikh’s mistress!’ Wrestling her self-control back into some sort of shape, she stepped back from him.
His hands moved and, for a moment, she thought he was going to reach for her and haul her against him, but then he stepped back too, his eyes wary.
‘You’re saying that you don’t want what we had in the desert?’
‘That was different,’ Bella whispered, pressing her fingers to her throat. ‘We were a million miles from our real lives. For a time we both escaped from who we really are. It was just the two of us.’
‘It is still just the two of us.’
‘No. You’re still the ruler of Al-Rafid, Zafiq. Do you think I don’t know how hard you’ve been struggling not to renew our relationship? That night when you came down to the stables to accuse me of sleeping with Rachid—’
‘That was not my finest hour.’
‘Don’t apologise. Honestly, we’re past that. I don’t even blame you for thinking it, given everything the newspapers have written about me. But that night taught me that, to you, I’m a temptation that has to be resisted at all costs.’
‘If that were true, you would not be here now.’
‘Really?’ She gave a lopsided smile. ‘Do you know what I think? I think even you aren’t quite as strong as you’d like to think you are. I think our chemistry is pretty hot and it would be all too easy to let it take over and for us to think, What the heck—let’s just have a good time and enjoy ourselves while we can. But there’s always a price for living in the moment.’
‘You are speaking from experience…’
‘Yes. And for once I’ve learned from that experience. I know you, Zafiq. You might be able to leave behind duty and responsibility for one steamy night, but you won’t leave it behind for long. It’s who you are. You’re a brilliant ruler and your people love you. They need you. And when the time comes you’ll choose a suitable woman to be by your side to give you children and all those other respectable, duty-like things.’ Bella swallowed hard. ‘And that isn’t going to be me, is it?’
There was a lengthy, protracted silence.
He took so long to reply that hope flickered to life in her heart.
Hoping desperately that she was wrong about him, she reached out her hand but he simply stared at it for a moment, a muscle working in his jaw. And then he looked her in the eyes.
‘I will not make the same mistakes in my marriage that my father made in his.’
It was like being stabbed through the heart and she pulled her hand back and rubbed it against her chest, trying to ease the pain. ‘Then this is goodbye, Zafiq.’
‘Wait! I haven’t finished.’
‘But I have.’ Bella ignored his command, her hand on the door handle
. ‘Honestly, Zafiq, this is so hard—you have no idea how hard, especially for someone like me. I don’t do this, OK? I don’t behave for the greater good, nor do I act unselfishly, so you’ve got to give me some help here! It’s—it’s like tipping away a drink when you’re an alcoholic, or saying no to chocolate when you’re starving.’
‘I’m an addictive substance?’
She was embarrassed she’d revealed so much about her feelings for him. ‘We’re not good for each other! Why did you even invite me tonight? I was doing OK in your stables.’ Sort of.
‘You’re saying you would have preferred to continue working in my stables?’
‘In a way, yes,’ she said miserably. ‘I did it to prove to everyone that I wasn’t Bad Bella, that I
could be responsible. But I’d forgotten how much I love horses. And I’ve discovered that I love the responsibility. I love knowing I managed to win that race—well, Batal won it, I know, but I was on his back and I’m proud of that. It felt as though I’d achieved something.’
‘You achieved a great deal, and…I want you more than I’ve ever wanted any other woman.’
Sensing his struggle, Bella stared at him with a lump in her throat. Hug me, she thought to herself. Drag me into your arms and tell me you can’t live without me.
But he stood rigid, as if he were hanging onto control by a thread. ‘I have never offered another woman what I’m offering you now. I’m inviting you to live in the palace with me.’
‘As your mistress. I don’t want that, Zafiq. You treated me to dinner because I won the race, but that’s over now. And now I’m going back to the stables.’ Her knees were shaking, her stomach was quivering and every nerve in her body was straining to touch him. She’d never, ever in her life wanted anything or anyone as badly as she wanted him and denying herself was the hardest thing she’d ever done.
Seeing his handsome features frozen in a mask of disbelief, she almost gave in to temptation and launched herself at him, and then she reminded herself that sooner or later he’d dump her.
And if life had taught her anything, it was that she didn’t want to be with a man who didn’t love her.
‘Thanks for this evening, Zafiq.’ Bella opened the door before she could change her mind, knowing that he wasn’t going to say anything with his guards listening to every word. ‘And thanks for the bath. You have no idea how good it felt to finally get my hands on a bottle of decent conditioner.’
Chapter Ten
RACHID was talking to Yousif when Bella emerged from Amira’s box the next morning.
Both of them stared at her as if she were a mirage.
‘What?’ She snapped the word and then instantly regretted it because both men had been good friends to her. ‘Sorry,’ she muttered. ‘Not enough sleep last night.’ Then she realised how they’d interpret that remark and blushed. ‘I mean, because I still ache all over and, no matter how I lie, I can’t sleep. I’m going to have words with Batal.’
‘You can’t.’ Yousif gave her a strange look. ‘His Highness has driven to the State of Zamira. He has taken Batal with him.’
Bella removed a piece of straw that was clinging to her hair. ‘Well, I’ll have words with him when he returns. Big, macho brute.’
Rachid paled. ‘Zafiq hurt you?’
‘Not Zafiq, I was talking about Batal.’ Bella frowned at them. ‘I fell off his back, remember? And he’s a long way from the ground. It felt like falling from the top of the Empire State Building.’
The two men exchanged looks. ‘His Highness did not say when he would be returning,’ Yousif said in a strangled voice. ‘This was an unscheduled trip. He has gone to visit Princess Yasmina, the woman everyone is hoping he will marry.’
Bella felt as though she’d fallen off the horse again. Every single part of her ached. ‘Right. Well…’ She gave a twisted smile. ‘I have things to do. I’m taking Amira for a ride. On my own.’
‘But if you are still bruised from your fall—’
‘Kill or cure.’ Bella strolled back to the stable, her mind in a mess. After their conversation the night before, he’d gone to meet his future wife. Why did that hurt so much when she’d always known that was what he’d do?
Leaning her head against Amira, she closed her eyes.
Because she hadn’t expected him to do it quite so quickly.
Regret stabbed her hard in the ribs. Perhaps she should have taken what he’d offered the night before. She should have had that one last night together.
Reminding herself that one more night would have intensified the pain rather than lessen it, she saddled Amira and led her into the yard. She climbed stiffly onto the mounting block, grimacing slightly as every muscle in her body shrieked a protest.
She didn’t even know where she was going.
All she knew was that she wanted to be on her own for a while in the desert.
Bella gave a humourless laugh. ‘That bang on the head must have got to me,’ she told the mare, urging her forward out of the yard. ‘Two months ago I would have sold the contents of my wardrobe to escape from all that sand. Now, not only do I not have a wardrobe to sell, but I don’t even care, and I can’t think of anything more relaxing than riding in the desert. Do you think I need help?’
Amira gave a whinny and broke into a trot, but Bella reined her in with a groan.
‘No, no. That’s too bumpy. I feel as though I’m in cocktail shaker. Do you mind just walking?’
The horse didn’t seem to object, or maybe she sensed Bella’s fragile state because she walked carefully, picking her way over rough surfaces until she reached the sandy track that led into the desert.
A lizard scuttled across their path and Bella watched it with a lump in her throat, remembering the nights she and Zafiq had spent together staring up at the stars.
Talking. Laughing. Making love.
Was that why she was riding into the desert?
To torture herself with memories?
She’d grown to love the narrow, dusty streets of Al-Rafid with its colourful souks and high stone walls. She’d grown to love the stables and the friends she’d made. But most of all she loved Zafiq, in a way she hadn’t known it was possible to love another person. She wanted what was best for him and she could see that wasn’t her.
But could she carry on living here, and watch him marry? Could she watch him smile at another woman and lift another woman’s child in his arms?
‘It would be like falling on a cactus,’ she muttered to Amira, ‘and then getting up and doing it again. I’m not that much of a masochist. It would be easier to recover away from him.’
It wasn’t as if she didn’t have money now. Her father had cut off her allowance, but she didn’t need an allowance any more, did she? Zafiq paid his staff well and she’d been working too hard to spend any of the money she’d earned. As a result she had more than enough for a flight back to England.
Perhaps she’d go back to Balfour Manor and make her peace with her father. Then she’d go and get a job in a racing stable. Or maybe an eventing yard. Somewhere she could be part of a team and make a difference.
If she worked hard enough she wouldn’t have time to think about how much she was hurting inside.
Zafiq returned from the desert to find everyone in the stables electrified with anxiety.
‘Bella has not returned,’ Rachid reported as Zafiq led Batal out of the horsebox.
Having thought of nothing but Bella for the past two days, he felt colour streak across his cheeks. ‘Returned from where?’
‘The desert.’ Rachid filled the hay net and retreated to a safe distance from the stallion’s hooves. ‘She left the same day you did. She’s taken Amira into the desert. And the horses miss her. They keep putting their heads over the stable doors and calling for her.’
Feeling as though he was one step behind everyone else, Zafiq struggled to keep his tone patient. ‘You let her take Amira into the desert?’
‘She didn’t tell us where s
he was going and it was only when she was late arriving back from her ride that we found her note. It’s her final trip,’ Yousif said dismally. ‘She said she needed to go there one more time before she leaves us.’
‘She is alone?’ Zafiq felt the kind of fear he’d only felt once before—when he’d realised it was Bella on the back of his stallion. ‘You didn’t try and stop her? Do you have any idea how vulnerable she is out there? She knows nothing about surviving in the desert. Nothing!’
Rachid looked at him. ‘Has anyone ever managed to stop Bella doing what she wants? She rode Batal against everyone’s advice. She has a mind of her own, Zafiq.’
He knew that.
He knew all about the way Bella’s mind worked.
‘She is safe,’ Yousif said quietly. ‘She called us last night from a satellite phone, just to let us know she was OK. All she would say was that she was staying somewhere special. We think she’s probably at the Retreat but you know they never divulge the names of their guests. She’s probably making the most of her last few days. She said that she will miss us all,’ he said gloomily, ‘but nowhere near as much as we will miss her, Your Highness. She is the best groom I have ever had. How Amira will cope when she leaves, I do not know. I have four vets ready to care for her but I know she will pine dreadfully. The horses love Bella. Even the dogs love her.’
‘Everyone loves her,’ Rachid said, glancing towards the desert with worry in his eyes. ‘Perhaps I made a mistake. Kamal said I should have sent someone to follow her but she was most insistent—’
‘Kamal?’ Zafiq stared at them with growing frustration. ‘What does Kamal have to do with this? He is still in hospital.’
‘Bella has visited him every day since he’s been in hospital,’ Rachid told him. ‘Taking him pictures of the horses. She really makes him laugh. She tells terrible jokes.’
Zafiq knew all about her terrible jokes. ‘What do you mean, you will all miss her when she leaves—where is she going?’
