by Dillon Khan
RV
PS I’m wide awake, thanks. I managed to get some sleep for the first time in ages instead of being on the phone in the early hours arguing!
Time: 11:59
To: Jay
From: Sophia
Subject: RE: RE: We need to talk with open hearts and minds
Jay,
You’re not listening to me nor are you trusting me. I keep telling you nothing happened between Simon and me. I should have told you the truth before I left. That’s my only mistake. But your reaction is way off. You’ve made yourself out to be the victim but you’ve forgotten how this year has been for me. I’ve started university and moved away from home for the first time in my life. Settling into Manchester has been really hard. You’ve not been here once since you started at The Beat. I’m totally neglected and usurped by your job and you’re making me feel insecure. There’s no time to speak to you. There’s no time to see you. You’ve not realized that just as it’s hard for you in London, it’s hard for me here.
Sophia
PS Well, maybe I wouldn’t have to call at stupid times of the day if you answered my texts or bothered to phone or visit!
Time: 13:36
To: Sophia
From: Jay
Subject: RE: RE: RE: We need to talk with open hearts and minds
Sophia,
What would you prefer, I sit and do nothing? I’m in a job. You have to put time in if you’re going to make it. You’ll realize this when you finish studying. Let’s see if you feel the same when you leave uni. You keep blaming The Beat. It’s got nothing to do with it and if anything that’s a deflection from what you’ve done. I could be in another job, anywhere else and I’d have to work this hard to establish myself. I keep telling you I don’t want to go back to being unemployed. That’s why I’m working weekends and can’t always come up to see you. It’s down to us both to make time to meet and speak. It’s not like you’re sitting by the phone waiting for me to call. You’re out partying in Manchester or when you’re in London. When I can get time to speak to you, you’re not around. When you’re free to speak, I’m not around. You say I’m making you insecure.
Are you sure you’re not making yourself insecure? Regarding trusting you, I did, but you’ve broken my trust and not done anything to rectify it. Make me a believer, that’s all I ask!
J
Time: 13:52
To: Jay
From: Sophia
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: We need to talk with open hearts and minds
Jay,
What are you talking about? Of course I’m happy that you’re doing something you love. I’m very proud of you, ask all my friends. I’m just saying that the balance is all wrong. I’m not a part of your life. Why aren’t you taking me to any awards shows or parties? I just don’t feel you in my life any more. You’ve got upset because you’ve realized Simon’s doing the things with me you should be doing. The Beat isn’t a normal job. It saps everything out of you. Going to all those parties and surrounding yourself in that whole fake celebrity circle. Those people don’t care about you. When did you last see your uni friends? You live with Pritz but you barely see him. You’re not Max. You’re not PJ. Don’t try and be like them. Where’s Jay gone?
Sophia
Time: 15:49
To: Sophia
From: Jay
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: We need to talk with open hearts and minds
Sophia,
You keep mentioning my work. Are you jealous of it? You’re acting as though The Beat’s a woman. Would you rather I become an accountant in a boring office? I’m not absorbed in the lifestyle. I’m too busy working in the office to get involved. I don’t always see my friends as they have jobs and are working hard too. That’s the way it is. At least my friends don’t badmouth you. You can deny it, but I know your ‘friends’ and slimy Simon are influencing you. No one complains when they’re at the front row of a concert I’ve given you tickets to. But when I’m working at these parties, then it’s all ‘He’s up to no good. How could he not be?’ Oh, and if I could I’d take you to the awards but last time I checked I’m not a Vice President in senior management. Don’t try and throw cheap shots – I’m not trying to be like someone else. I’m still me. Just under different pressures. And I don’t care if Simon’s doing things for you. In fact, good luck to the both of you.
J
Time: 16:03
To: Jay
From: Sophia
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: We need to talk with open hearts and minds
Jay,
That’s right, I’m jealous of The Beat!! Like I give a fuck about that place. If you think it’s more important than me, then fine. It’s good to know. It’s just a bloody job. There are other jobs out there. Do you think they give as much of a shit about you as you do about them? Enjoy yourself there but don’t say I didn’t warn you. It’s weird – you think I’m being jealous and paranoid and I think you’re being blind. You were a better person when you used to doubt yourself because at least you checked yourself. My friends don’t say bad things about you. Besides, I’m smart enough to know the truth. All I wanted was for you to be a friend to me, that’s all. You can be a friend to all these other people but not your own girlfriend. And thanks for your blessing. At least Simon knows how to be a friend to me. By asking me how I’m doing. Asking me if I need help.
Sophia
Time: 16:06
To: Sophia
From: Jay
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: We need to talk with open hearts and minds
Sophia,
BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO GET INTO YOUR PAAAAANTS!!!
J
36
Me Against the World
A few weeks into my extended contract and I was wearily trudging down the stairs to the studio as if I was in the French Foreign Legion. I had work to do at my desk and so I wasn’t looking forward to spending the morning with Year Eleven students from a secondary school. They were in for a tour to find out more about TV presenting and a career in the media. The kid’s quiet excitement went up a few notches as soon as PJ walked in and they were given the chance to get in front of the camera and present. Two braved the challenge in front of their ready-to-laugh classmates.
‘So, have you got any presenter positions going?’ asked a cocky kid with big ears as he stood in front of the camera, deliberately smoothing his eyebrows with his fingers.
‘Well, if you can read the link on the autocue and nail it on your first take, I’ll give you my job,’ said PJ, equally cocky.
As the kid stared down the camera lens his confidence deserted him and he became too aware of himself. Just a few words into the link he began making mistakes.
PJ stepped in to help. ‘Rule one: chillax. Don’t try to be someone else or what you think people want. Do I talk to you guys any differently from what you see on TV?’
‘Noooo,’ said a few like well-trained penguins.
‘Just relax. Here’s a tip. Flirt with the camera. Like it’s a girl you really fancy and you’re talking to her,’ he said, stepping off behind the camera.
The kid tried again. When he got to the end of the link PJ asked, ‘Have you got a girlfriend?’
‘No.’
‘No wonder. You call that flirting? There’s some things you can’t teach!’
Cue laughter and jeers. The girl with a blonde bob standing on the other side of PJ had a go, reading the lines from the autocue slowly and deliberately.
‘Not bad, but it looked like you were reading. Pretend you’re talking to a person, not reading from a script to camera. Rule two: don’t read it, say it.’
He went back to the cocky kid. ‘OK, I want you to read the link from this paper script, memorize it and then deliver it without any help.’ A minute later he cou
nted him in. ‘Coming to you in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 …’
The kid delivered it and then, to applause from his classmates, he stood brushing imaginary dirt from his shoulder.
‘Not so fast, my friend,’ said PJ. ‘Yes, the delivery and look to camera was good but you got the name of the album wrong, you failed to namecheck Bono’s bandmates and you didn’t throw to the performance as the link says. Rule three: knowledge is power. What if that was live and you were introducing U2?’
‘Oh, can I have another go, please?’ he said, jumping up and down like he needed to pee.
‘No, sorry – one take, remember!’ PJ said.
Moments later the girl with the blonde bob was being critiqued, having interviewed PJ pretending to be Bono. ‘Not bad but you kept talking over me. Count one second after the guest has finished speaking before asking the next question. Be attentive, listen to what they’re saying and ask questions accordingly. A great interviewer is a friend who can get the guest to tell them things others can’t. Rule four: be their mate to be great.’ He rattled through some more rules and then opened it up for a Q&A.
‘So what’s your secret?’ asked one kid.
‘I’m not telling you,’ said PJ, laughing.
‘Go on, don’t be stush,’ he begged.
‘OK, but it’s real simple: I’m well read. It helps expand my knowledge and trains my mind. So, just as athletes work out, reading is my workout.’
For a few seconds they stayed silent taking it in. Moments later their teacher piped up. ‘How did you make it?’ she asked.
‘I was in the right place at the right time.’ He turned to the kids. ‘But be ready for lots of rejection and feeling insecure about yourself. I haven’t met a presenter who doesn’t.’
‘But it looks so glamorous and easy,’ said one girl.
‘It’s not. You’ve seen today that your brain has got to be fully engaged while you’re onscreen. You must be prepared. That’s true of anything in life. Especially if your flirting face is like his!’ he said, pointing to the cocky kid, making the rest of them laugh.
Later, in the Greenhouse, around a table of food and drinks, the kids looked up and around in amazement at the offices above.
‘Wow, you’re so lucky to work here,’ one of them said to me.
‘It’s OK,’ I replied flatly.
‘I’d work here for free,’ said another, biting into a pastry.
Not if you had bills to pay, I thought.
‘You get to meet all the stars,’ said another, knocking back a can of 7Up.
They don’t pay my bills either.
I thought back to how, like them, I’d once thought this was Disneyland. Now it was anything but. I felt like the man inside a Mickey Mouse costume. He welcomed mesmerized kids to paradise, but the reality was a shift-work job requiring him to be extra jovial all day long, a pain-in-the-ass supervisor and a wife who’d just left him for the guy in the Goofy costume.
‘It must be fun. Listening to music all the time?’ asked another doey-eyed kid.
‘It’s the best thing about it. Music makes it all worthwhile,’ I admitted. ‘I’m not this passionate about anything else!’ I stopped for a moment. It was the first time I’d realized how true that was.
Back at my desk, I turned my attention to the studio record with Ricky Martin tomorrow for Defm8. Tola had been working on PJ’s scripts on and off for two days and had sent it to me to check over. Her previous week’s scripts hadn’t been up to par but I knew she was jumping between her work for Stuey and me. I’d given her some of the tips Max had passed on to me.
As I looked through, the links were in the wrong order and the script still wasn’t written for PJ. It just wouldn’t sound right coming out of his lips.
‘Have you finished this script?’ I asked Tola as she tapped at her keyboard in her seat across from me.
‘Yeah, this morning. Why, is there a problem?’ she asked with concern.
‘Remember I said that you have to write it in PJ’s words? Like he’d say it?’
‘I did,’ she replied defensively.
‘Well, it still sounds like your voice. It’s like method acting – just as an actor absorbs themselves in a role, we have to do method writing and absorb ourselves into the words for PJ,’ I said dramatically.
‘Right!’ she said, clearly biting her tongue.
I asked about several pieces of footage. ‘Where’s the Coldplay gig at Shepherd’s Bush Empire?’
‘I was swamped, Jay. I was researching a News Feed special for Stuey at the same time.’ She sat looking unmoved.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ I mumbled under my breath. ‘I’m going to have to find that and fix this script.’
‘It won’t take you long to write it,’ she said, hearing me and snapping back.
‘That’s what I’m going to have to do, for you,’ I said as our voices began to rise. ‘I’ve got Total BEATS to write, like you don’t know.’
She looked at me incredulously. ‘Jay, if I’m honest, there’s nothing wrong with that script. You’re getting far too precious about it.’
‘Look, Tola, I just want it to be right. People are watching the both of us,’ I said, trying to raise a sense of camaraderie. ‘We can’t fail.’
‘We’re not performing brain surgery or saving lives. Chill out. Don’t get caught up in the Matrix, remember?’ she said, echoing Hugh’s advice.
‘Look we have to take pride in our work –’
‘Jay, it’s just a bloody script!’ she interrupted.
I looked at her as the walls of Jericho came tumbling down inside me. ‘Well, if it’s so easy then you should have nailed it first time. This is your fourth week and you still haven’t got it. I may as well do it myself … Oh, wait, like I’ve been having to do!’
We were now loud enough for those near us to hear what was going on, but the sound of *NSYNC’s ‘Bye Bye Bye’ prevented us from causing a scene in the wider department. James III kept reading his Economist as Sonya and Sam watched on helplessly, aware it wasn’t wise to get involved.
‘If I’m not good enough for you, then crack on yourself,’ she said firmly.
‘I’m working non-stop and in charge of two shows. One of which you report in to me for –’
‘Whoa, whoa. Hold on, I don’t report in to you. I’m just here to help you.’
‘That’s not what the Minister said.’
She shrugged her shoulders. ‘Take it or leave it, Jay.’
‘Well, I’ll have to email him for clarity then,’ I said, trying to recall his exact words.
This only incensed her further. ‘Have you been reading The 48 Laws?’ she said incredulously.
‘What?’ I said, not understanding the reference.
‘You’re just an intern, remember,’ she said with contempt.
I couldn’t understand her reaction. Then a thought fell from nowhere into my mouth. ‘Is all this because I filmed your Britney interview?’
She looked taken aback. ‘Are you kidding? No! It’s because you’re acting like a right … a right … Qworn!’
I heard James III snigger, knowing she meant ‘quant’. Tola turned to walk away but suddenly stopped in her stride, came back and said, ‘A wise man once said, “All men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character give him power.” You could learn something from that.’
The others looked shocked as they turned to stare at their computers. I could feel rage rising inside me. I went back to staring at my own computer. But my head felt like it was buzzing with white noise. I needed somewhere to calm down.
I headed for one of the artists’ changing rooms near the studios. I locked the door behind me and stood by a make-up mirror with lightbulbs that went all the way round the edge. Some were working and some weren’t, a bit like the links in Tola’s script. There was a residue of white powder on the table and I stood over it
trying to calm myself down. I looked at myself in the mirror and my internal dialogue kicked in.
How dare she speak to you like that? asked Frank Sinatra.
Cos I’m being a twat, I replied.
Listen, she’s meant to be working for you and not doing a half-arsed job.
Don’t get all macho. She’s got her own pressures, clearly.
Strap on a pair. Forget everyone else, you can do this alone, he said rousingly.
I reflected momentarily and then said, I thought I was one of the good guys!
Course you are, said Frank. Don’t question yourself, that’s what they all want.
I was silent again.
Have you come this far to fall on your face? Think of everything you’ve sacrificed. If you fail, no one’s going to be there to help you up. Everyone’s too busy looking after themselves. Who’s got time for a loser without a job? This is your moment, don’t let other people blow it for you now.
I sat for a while absorbing the pep talk. Eventually I stood up with a steely resolve and walked back to my desk. I had work to do.
37
Brown Paper Bag
Early the next morning I was in the empty office with just a few hours to get scripts done before we recorded the show with the boy formerly from Menudo. I went into my weekly ritual of getting into PJ’s mind and began typing for him. I forgot everyone and everything else and enjoyed writing about the music I loved while it played in the background.
The only thing disturbing me was the constant drone of my work phone, which had been ringing for the last five minutes. Someone was really trying to get through.
