by Delilah Hunt
She stopped, bit her lip and wiped at her cheek. She was silently crying now. And Chase was dying a slow agonizing death with every tear that fell. “I was thinking how badly I wanted to tell you I love you, but was afraid you wouldn’t believe me. That you’d think I was saying it to make you happy. That’s why I didn’t tell you sooner. I wanted to wait a bit, let you see for yourself how I really felt and then when I finally told you my feelings, you’d know they were coming from inside my heart. From every single part of me, that was just madly in love with you.”
Chase squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the wall behind him. His knees felt weak. He wanted to beg for forgiveness, but it was too late. His course was already set. And that was too late to change.
He glanced at Larke and watched her move to the door, holding it open. Her jaws were clenched, her eyes focused on the cream colored wall, refusing to look at him. She wanted him gone.
“Please don’t make this hurt more than it already does.” She was no longer wiping at the tears spilling down her cheeks. For a split second, Chase thought about saying something nasty and hurtful to offset his own pain. He couldn’t. She didn’t deserve it. So he did what he always did––what everyone expected of him. If Larke wanted him gone. He was gone.
20
Her relationship with Chase, the man she’d begun to build her dreams around, was over. Larke cradled her face on her knees, giving in to the loud sobs racking her frame.
God. She could still see the look on his face when she’d opened the door. Betrayed. Did Chase view what happened as her abandoning him, the same way his mother had done when he was a boy? She wanted to bury her head in her hand and cry all over again.
Sniffling and wiping viciously at her eyes with a piece of the paper towel she’d grabbed from the kitchen after he’d left, Larke glanced at the printed manuscript she’d been working on. Minutes ago, sentences and phrases had been her biggest problem and now... Well now, she didn’t know how she’d ever be happy again.
Chase had ripped her heart to pieces and the pain had started the moment she heard him say he couldn’t walk away. Larke wrapped her arms around her stomach as a wave of nausea hit her. Why couldn’t he have told her he’d changed his mind, after seeing how upset and hurt she was? What kind of love was that?
But Chase had loved her, her mind insisted. How he’d said it to her that day. Those three words had come straight from his heart. He couldn’t have faked the anguish she’d heard in his voice, the hardening of his jaws as he realized he’d confessed his true feelings for her. But it still hadn’t been enough. Love hadn’t been enough for him to choose her.
In the days following the breakup, Larke allowed herself the time to cry and grieve. On the fourth day, with her eyes red and swollen, she forced herself to leave the comfort of her apartment and join the rest of the world outside. Mainly for cheesecake. After confessing to her friend about the breakup, Riva invited her for ice cream. The frozen treat had been another reminder of Chase so they’d settled on cake and lots of it at a local bakery and pastry shop.
As much as Larke disliked turning to food for comfort, as she’d done during childhood while dealing with her parent’s divorce, it didn’t impede her from eating every morsel of the cheesecake. She ordered seconds and then thirds. A shattered heart was more than enough reason to indulge, she reasoned.
Sadly, however, not even the sweetness of cake could assuage the pain or prevent her from missing Chase. Talking, being around and having him inside her. She missed it all. Without him, she was lost. Utterly lost. She hoped he felt the same without her.
Over the next two weeks, Larke was slowly able to get back into her regular routine, even managing to finish her manuscript. But once, though, in a bout of sadness, a moment of darkness, she’d broken down and called him. Chase hadn’t answered on the first ring, and by the third, she’d regained her sanity and hung up.
The second time she’d contacted him was deliberate and thought out. It happened after Riva had called to ask if she’d heard what happened in Lee’s Fortress. She hadn’t.
Larke had grabbed up the remote and turned on the television, only to catch the end of the news segment. The last image had been of a blazing fire with smoke everywhere.
Within seconds, she’d had her phone in hand again, trying desperately to reach Chase. It was only natural that she wanted to—needed to make sure he was all right. They might not be together but that didn’t mean her love for him had diminished. As before he didn’t answer. Worried, Larke made it a point to call again later in the day. There was still no answer.
“If you ever call me and I don’t pick up right away, it’s not cause I’m ignoring you…” Chase wouldn’t have ignored her then, but now? Her heart stilled at the possibilities. Either he was injured or he was ignoring her because she no longer mattered to him.
Stricken with concern and panic, Larke raced outside to her car and drove the distance to Lee’s Fortress, a place she’d always made a point to avoid. The community looked the same as the last time she’d driven by with her mother many years ago.
The narrow streets were lined with houses in derelict condition, strips of paint peeling from the outside walls. Unattended gardens were overrun with weed. As she ventured deeper into the town, Larke noticed an area that was sectioned off with barricade tape from the fire department. Although the fire no longer blazed, it was clear that it had spread far enough to destroy not one but two buildings. Was one of them Chase’s home? She’d never know.
Larke wasn’t sure what she’d expected to find here. Maybe bystanders...one of them Chase. All she wanted was to know he hadn’t been affected. That he was alive. But there was no one here. Not the one person she wanted to see.
With a heart heavy, she returned home. Alone in her apartment. Alone with the pain of not knowing.
Determined to put her mind at ease, and out of sheer desperation to hear his voice, she decided to put everything aside—pride, hurt and anger. Every single inch of her body, heart, and soul still yearned for him. Chase had become her best friend and the only person she’d ever want to be with. So, unable to do anything less, Larke held her phone, reaching out once more. Her heart sank with each and every ring that went unanswered. On the verge of hanging up, she finally heard him. Chase’s voice, deep and rough, that sounded oh so sweet to her ears because it meant he was alive. He hadn’t been inside the fire. But was he also safe? All right?
“Chase,” she breathed. “I’ve tried calling you so many times.”
“I know.” His tone was flat. So unlike the way he normally spoke to her. “I noticed the calls.”
“If you saw them, why didn’t you return my calls? I know about the fire. Are you okay? Was it your house?”
“I’m fine. One of the houses belonged to Trevor.” He let out a breath. “I thought we were making a clean break of it.”
She gripped the phone harder, almost as if by doing so she’d be able to touch him. “You had to have known how worried I’d be.”
He went silent. After a long moment, he asked, “How are you, Larke?”
Her hands shook, as well as her voice. “Not so good to be honest.”
“No?”
Was he concerned? She hated no longer knowing what he thought of her.
“I miss you a lot.” She squeezed her eyes shut then opened them, overcome with emotion and unable to stop herself. “I still love you, Chase and I wanted to know if you’ve been thinking about me. About the things I said to you.”
“Yeah. I did. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since we broke up. You were right to cut me loose. “
What? He hadn’t even responded to the fact that she’d reminded him of her love. Swallowing back the lump in her throat, Larke held tight to the shock and hurt. “I was?”
“Yeah. It wouldn’t have worked out. We wouldn’t have worked. Things were moving too fast, anyway. We’re still young. No sense in being trapped so soon.”
Trapped? We were in love.
I’m still in love. “Oh,” she said, her voice shamefully cracking. “I um...I guess you didn’t appreciate me telling you that I love you awhile ago.” Her eyes began to burn. She hated crying. Wouldn’t cry again. But God, they burned so much from those stupid tears trying to further her humiliation.
“Are you crying?”
She sniffled. “No.” A tear broke free. She couldn’t lie. “Yes. A little.”
He went silent again. Larke heard nothing. Not even the sound of him breathing. For a while, she wondered if the line had gone dead. It hadn’t. His next sentence, however, made her wish he’d taken pity on her and hung up without saying anything else.
“I want you to delete my number. Don’t call me again.”
The phone slipped from her hand as the connection ended. She covered her mouth, holding in the sob while staring at the phone. Larke cried in silence, trembling under her restraint to not allow the violent sob to break free. But the tears flowed. They refused to be contained. She wept for herself, Chase and the future they’d never have together.
He doesn’t want me anymore. She shouldn’t care. She shouldn’t. She’d been the one to send him through the door, claiming she could no longer be with a person like him, but damn it. It hurt. So much, her stomach clenched with pain and nausea threatened to bring her to her knees. Their relationship was over. No more Chase. No more kisses. No more anything with him. She wanted to curl up into a ball and stay there forever or for however long it took to stop the hurt.
There was no going back. No apologies. No changing of mind. She’d said her piece; made her regret known and he didn’t care. Doesn’t want me. And if Chase ever decided to walk away from his hate group, he wouldn’t walk freely into her arms. She wouldn’t be the woman to stand with him and celebrate his freedom. That alone made her wrench her hand from her mouth, allowing the loud, god-awful cry that welled and bubbled at her throat to rip free. Uninhibited.
It took an entire month before Larke returned to life the way it was. Before she’d fallen in love and had her heart broken. Writing was going as well as could be and she’d even been invited to another book reading from a librarian who’d heard good things about her first reading. On the second go around, there were significantly less butterflies flitting around inside her stomach than the first time. Watching the smile on the faces of the children also helped to lighten her mood and provide a sense of peace.
Larke had yet to begin reading before a familiar face popped up beside her. It was the man who’d asked her out after her first reading session.
She smiled. “Did you and your daughter return to hear me read?”
The dark-haired man laughed. “No. My daughter’s at her mother’s house. I saw the announcement and made it a point to get here.” He pulled out a copy of her book. “We forgot to ask you for an autograph the last time, do you mind?”
“No. I’d love to. What’s your daughter’s name?”
“Ariadne.” He spelled it out.
Larke carefully signed her name then returned the book to him. “It was nice seeing you again. I appreciate—”
He interrupted. “I know I’m about to be shot down again, but would you like to go out for coffee?”
She sighed. “I told you I was in a relationship.”
“That was then. What about now?”
She wanted to turn him down. Everything about this man was off. He wasn’t the one she’d had her heart set on. He wasn’t Chase.
Maybe that’s a good thing, a voice inside her head countered. Larke hesitated and gave it some thought. Relenting, she found herself agreeing to the coffee date. She would put effort into forgetting Chase. Just like he’d forgotten her.
After the reading ended, they rounded a corner to a coffee shop nearby. The mid-day date was awkward at first, but after a while, Larke began to warm to him. Raymond was an architect, with a good sense of humor and they’d both grown up in the same area. It also turned out they’d even graduated from the same high school, he a few years ahead of her. That had led to some interesting conversation and jokes. But... Something was missing. There was no spark. No rush of excitement of any kind. Larke wasn’t sure if she should be relieved or filled with despair.
“Tell me, how does a young lady like yourself end up writing children’s books?”
She smiled. This was a safe topic. “Because I had to focus my weird imagination into
something useful.”
He nodded. “Of course you know I have to ask next if your boyfriend is out of the picture?”
The smile fell. Larke stared down at her cup of coffee. “Yes, he is.”
“Doesn’t sound like you’re happy about that. It wasn’t a mutual breakup?”
This wasn’t the sort of thing you discussed on a date. She knew it but still, she answered truthfully. “No. I’m not happy.” She raised her head, feeling like a fool. “I’m sorry. This is weird. Not the typical thing to discuss.”
Raymond shook his head. His dark eyes clouded with sympathy. “Actually no. It’s not strange. I completely understand.” He sipped his drink and let out a low sigh. “I’m sort of relieved you said that. You see, Larke, you’re the first woman I’ve been attracted to in a long time. I get how you feel because I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m over my ex-wife. I’m not.”
“I was an experiment? A test date?” she asked, slightly hurt and feeling her ego disintegrating into ash.
“Not at all,” he rushed out. “You looked so nice and seemed like a genuine person. I wanted to get to know you better. But when we’re both in love with other people…”
Larke shook her head and let out a harsh laugh. What a strange situation. “Are we pathetic or just plain sad?”
Raymond quirked his thick brows. “I’d say both.”
After that revelation, Larke felt more at ease, so much she accepted his invitation to catch a movie the next weekend. As friends. Which was perfect since her only good friend, Riva was on vacation.
Although Chase continued to occupy a secret part of her heart and mind, that didn’t mean she had to live her life around his rejection. In no time at all, she’d be able to think of him as a fond memory. She’d be able to view her naked body and no longer recall every spot on her skin Chase had touched, kissed or licked. Bring herself to orgasm without sighing his name in throes of ecstasy.
Soon.
21
He would never be free of Larke. That was the conclusion Chase came to, after he’d spent another night lying awake in bed replaying the sound of her voice the last time they spoke. When I made her cry. Again.
He hadn’t meant to. Chase hadn’t wanted to make her cry. But hurting Larke had been necessary. She needed to stay away from him—despise him, as she should’ve done from the very beginning. Which she probably did now, he thought, while waiting outside a house in a suburban neighborhood not too far from where Larke lived. Chase checked his watch, hoping any minute now the man’s car would appear down the street.
It had taken a while but Chase was able to see himself for what he truly was. Knew himself to be messed up with the dirtiest kind of blood muddying his veins. Stalking Larke and now her new boyfriend–if you could call watching her a couple of times stalking–was the least of his issues.
After Trevor’s death on the same night he and Larke had broken up, he’d been able to keep himself busy. He’d had to arrange the funeral while figuring out how to contact that son Trevor had mentioned. Despite Trevor’s non-existent relationship with his son, Chase knew the man had a right to know his father was no longer alive.
With his stepfather buried and gone, Chase figured he could now tackle the most important issue at hand. Larke. Mainly, the best way to tell her he was sorry and that she was right. Had been right all along. He’d never claimed to be smart, but even he should’ve known his expectations of Larke were unreasonable. And he had. Hours after he’d returned home from her apartment, Chase had been flooded with regret and remorse. But there was no way he cou
ld’ve gone to her right away.
He had to do the right thing, the only thing and make a clean break with Lee’s Fortress and Antebellum Resistance. Eventually, he had. But in doing so, Chase came to realize how deep the cycle of hatred ran inside his family. This also made him realize how despicable he truly was.
How Larke could have ever found it in her to treat him so wonderful. That she could love him, left Chase stumped. He’d thought about his ignorance, the racist ideology he used to believe in. Used to, because fuck it, he was completely over hating people for being born a different race than himself. That shit was out of anyone’s control and he could no longer justify any of the other white supremacist beliefs. Not when he was in love with Larke and everything about her had blown their idiotic values to dust.
As awful as it was, facing and owning up to his wrong doings, and as much as he’d wanted to plead with Larke to take him back, Chase knew it was impossible. She would never want him again. Chase knew this because there were two specific things that broke him. Made him realize with certainty that he wasn’t even fit to be in the same room as the woman he loved.
After deciding to find Trevor’s son, Chase had searched through the office in the small single story house used as headquarters. He’d been hoping to come across an address or phone number. He had, but he’d also stumbled upon letters and old newspaper clippings that led to him finding out a lot of things he wished he could erase from his mind.
His grandfather had written to a friend and in those letters the two men had reminisced about the people they’d attacked, harassed and pushed out of towns. They lives they’d destroyed. It had made him sick. Chase had even vomited when he’d seen the name of his father mentioned. His own father had been a filthy animal just like his twisted grandfather, participating in all kinds of violent activities.
It had taken days before he could look himself in the mirror. His entire life was a wreck. Even the ship he now owned had mostly belonged to Joseph Butler. Chase had only been able to go in on it sixty-forty with him. That meant he was profiting off the pain his grandfather had caused other people. The thought hit him hard. Especially since he couldn’t do anything about that. It was his only livelihood.
