“I'm not-” She sighed all exasperated. “I'll always be mad at myself but that's not what I'm saying. I was aware, Avery. I wasn't drugged. I'd had drinks but I wasn't drugged. It wasn't a nice kiss. It was like… I dunno,” she swallowed. “It was like I stole something from the only person I cared about and I knew it was stealing and I did it anyway. Like if I'd stolen a delicious hamburger. No matter how delicious it obviously was, my guilt would make it taste bitter and tainted and wrong. I fucked up and I couldn't even enjoy it.”
“And that’s how you’ll remember kissing me forever now,” I let the words get quiet at the end. I wanted to wash that memory away for her. It wasn’t fair that she should love me and never get to have a real kiss, a kiss freely given.
“Maybe that's okay,” she said seriously.
“Maybe.” I sank back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. I bit my bottom lip and took a deep breath. “Olivia thinks I don’t see her. It scares her. She told me I see the fantasy but it’s hard because she is my fantasy just live and real. My fantasy was never really a fantasy. I just wanted someone real that made me fall and she did. It’s her. Even when she’s pissing me off she’s making me love her.”
“She's probably just scared,” Skylar swallowed solemnly. “When you have something perfect, something you know you don't deserve, you'll always be scared it's not real… Not forever… If I had you like that I'd be constantly scared of losing you. When I realized I didn't have you it was like… Oh. Right. No, see: THAT makes sense.”
“Yeah. I think we’re both scared and when it happens at the same time disaster strikes.”
I looked over at her, shifting my head on the pillow. “You’re pretty smart about this stuff, you know?”
She looked back at me sorta sadly and shrugged with a small forced little smile.
“I watch a lot of TV,” she reminded.
I laughed and smacked her face with the throw pillow by my hand.
“Nerd.”
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I took it out. “Sleeping beauty has awoken.”
Olivia: Are you safe? Are you okay?
Avery: Yes. I am. I’m with Sky. I love you. I hope you slept well. Are you okay?
Olivia: *shrug*
Avery: I’m coming home.
Olivia: Take your time. Tell Sky I said hi.
“Olivia says hi.” I set the phone down and just pondered. I didn’t want Olivia to be alone right now. I felt like I should be taking care of her. I think I was better off than she was after that letter. That was some kind of cruel joke.
“Olivia would say hi,” Skylar joked.
She moved her hand back to the letter and picked it up to read the rest.
“I think she's magic,” she mumbled as she read.
“She is,” I pointed out. “He will never be able to experience that. Thank god.”
I looked at the letter in her hand and heaved a sigh. “I should give that to Liz tonight. She’s going to flip.
“I like how you’ve just commandeered her extremely personal mail. That’s a federal offence you know, you’re not married yet.”
I frowned. “Yes we are. Not by law but we are.”
“Well… Maybe you should ask her before spreading it around…”
I raised an eyebrow. “You really think I would just give it to her mom without talking to her about it? There’s no way.”
“You gave it to me,” Sky said, meeting my raised eyebrow with one of her own. “God, he is such a shit,” she said, after reading a little more.
“You’re different. You’re not her mom and you’re not some random from the street. You and Holland are the only people I’d trust.”
“This is Olivia’s letter,” Sky said.
“I get that and I understand the problem with showing it to you. I just think she’ll understand.”
“Yeah,” she sighed, finally finishing it. “Seriously though… Don’t ask her. Give it to her mom.”
“I can’t. Showing it to you was bad enough. She has a say in what happens with it officially. If I give it to her mom it’s gone.”
“She’s not going to agree to show this to her mom,” Skylar laughed.
“Then so be it. I won’t betray what she wants like that.”
“Fine,” Sky said, crumpling the letter up and shoving it into her pocket. “I’ll do it then.”
“No, Sky.” I reached over to try and get the letter from her pocket. “That’d be worse. She would be so mad at both of us. Don’t do that.”
I fought with her but she wasn’t Olivia. She was as strong as I was. She jumped up off the bed and looked at me, determination coloring her face.
“I was giving you shit because you never should’ve read that in the first place. You shouldn’t have read it and I shouldn’t have read it. But Liz needs to read it. Olivia’s her baby. Plus,” she said sort of winded. “Unlike you and I, Liz can actually rally for a tougher sentence. The way rape trials in this country go Ben might be out of time by the time they actually sentence him in court. The court could end up actually paying him reparations or something gross like that. Can you imagine?!” She scoffed angrily.
“Sicko Ben’s far too pretty for prison,” she teased darkly, obviously hating the truth of the way it all worked. “Soon as the cameras get a hold of that chiseled jaw of his, and those stunning baby blues, the story will be all about that no good lying girl with a jilted heart and no proof.” She used her fingers to pull my chin up so she could look down on me when she said that last bit. We hadn't talked about any of this. I hadn’t even talked about this with Olivia. Sky was right. “Are you ready to handle all that? Huh?!” She asked nervously. I think she was all amped up from our tiny brawl. Pretending to be my bully and failing at every attempt. “You know… I’ve heard people say shit about you at school? People are idiots Avery. They just want to hate someone. That’s what you’re up against. You’re walking into the lion’s den right after being tortured. It’s so fucked up.”
“I’m fully aware of the shit show that’s about to fall down on me,” I panted. “It’s going to be hell but everyone needs to know. Even if he gets off, no school will hire him. Maybe he did me a favor by torturing me. It made me mean.”
“You’re not mean,” Sky said, shaking her head and crossing her arms to hug herself.
After a second she let her arms fall and let out a breath.
I watched her take the letter from her pocket and throw it at me all exasperated.
“Not to you or anyone else that I love.”
I left it at that. I didn’t need to explain myself. I grabbed the letter and folded it up neatly, putting it in my pocket.
“Now, take me home so I can talk to my girl.”
I pushed her a little just as a tease and walked toward the door.
When I got home Olivia was still in the bed. It wasn’t surprising, considering how she felt. I took my shoes off and put them in the closet and then I crawled onto the bed and touched her back.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hi,” she breathed, turning her head to see me. Her eyes flickered and searched me a bit but her face was like stone.
I touched it, hoping it would soften and she would open to me. I was desperate for that look of love in her eyes.
“Sorry about leaving. Sky was worried about me and she offered to talk. I have to tell you… I showed her the letter.”
I kept looking into her eyes, checking for her reaction.
“Oh,” she said, moving her gaze up a bit and then shutting her eyes altogether to rest and not think.
“She agrees that we should give it to your mom but I can’t do that without at least asking you. It’s not my letter and I shouldn’t have read it and I shouldn’t have showed it to anyone.”
“Just do what you want with it,” Olivia said blankly. “I don’t want it. Never did.”
“Vi,” I lifted her chin. “Are you with me?”
She let out a puff of air through her nose. It was an
ger. Soft anger.
“Of course,” she said, letting her eyes open as she looked at me again.
I wanted a reaction and I got one. Maybe she needed to be mad.
“Ah, there’s the fire.” I smiled and moved my thumb over her cheek.
She’s such a responsive person. I loved how she came back at me in so many different ways.
“I can’t talk, baby,” she said, losing my gaze again.
“You don’t have to but that doesn’t mean you can’t listen.”
I got up from the bed and went to the closet, getting my guitar out of its case and coming back.
“Unless you have an objection.” I looked down at her and then started tuning the guitar.
She smiled and scoffed a small laugh. I felt her hand tug at the pocket of my jeans for lack of a better part of me to hold.
“Nope,” she said simply.
I nodded and continued to tune until I had it where I wanted it. When I strummed the strings one last time I knew I was ready.
Right when I was about to play though Olivia suddenly got up and moved behind me. I felt her whole body hug me tight as she sighed. Her arms had come under mine and locked around my stomach. I felt her chest and face on my back and her thighs next to mine.
“Mmmm, this is the best way to play,” I said, feeling her all around me, holding me.
I started to play a few chords and then launched into a song.
I wish I could do better by you,
'cause that's what you deserve
Singing to her calmed me and I loved using lyrics to translate my heart. “Your voice is so pretty,” Olivia said quietly once I was done. I felt her hands slowly stroking my sides as she moved back a little so she could turn her head and kiss my back. “I love when you sing,” she said. I could feel her forehead rest on my back. Her hands smoothed back over my stomach and she hugged me again.
“I love it when you touch me,” I said, smiling. I picked a few strings and hummed. “I should play more often. We haven’t been in the music room in a while. I love it when you play anything.”
“I can’t play right now,” she said sadly. “I’ll just break down.”
“Not right now. Maybe another day.”
I played a few random things. Nothing that made any sense. Parts of songs strung together. It was nice to just be here, smelling the tang of the metal strings and the polish I used on the surface of the guitar. It totally relaxed me and I tried to give her that feeling to by playing and singing. She deserved a little relief.
The letter had done us damage. One more blow to add to the others. A chance for Ben to reach into our lives and tear us. Not his intention but it was what he did. I would never be convinced that his love for Olivia was a pure thing.
I might not be altogether good for her at times but I was not nearly the evil he was. There were questions I had that I could only ask him but it didn’t follow that I should. I was still making up my mind. I knew that if I wanted to see him I could.
She flexed her arms around me and I woke up.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing. I just think you’re cute.”
“Is that a pickup line Miss Holbrook?”
She leaned in and whispered even softer. “Doubt that the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love…”
“Very smooth,” I said, wishing I could see her face and kiss her. “Not just anyone can make me want to sing for them you know.”
I moved my hand to her thigh and rubbed it over her skin. “You’re the only one who gets to hear me play.”
Once my hand calmed I felt hers move to my back and slide under my shirt to touch up on my skin.
“That’s nice to know,” she said, busy with touching me.
“Random fact time, you look adorable when you sleep.”
I liked when she got preoccupied with my presence. It made me warm.
“Were you being a creep?” She teased.
“Yep, I was and it paid off big time. I got to watch you for a long time.”
“Evil,” she said, using her nails to slowly scratch at my skin. I heard her sigh heavy and slow as her upper-body leaned into me again.
“Ugh. You’re the evil one with those nails. That feels too good.”
“Touching you helps me,” she said, pushing her thumbs in near my spine and then spreading them out toward my sides.
“Then I have an idea.” I squeezed her hand and waited for her to release me so I could scoot off the bed and put the guitar up. When I came back she was sitting there on the bed looking so sad and vulnerable. I wished I had some kind of power to help other than just letting her touch me and not talking.
I grabbed the hem of my t-shirt and lifted it up and off and then unhooked my bra and slid it off. I set them on the end of the bed and crawled up, laying down on my stomach.
“Touch me, baby.”
She carefully crawled over me. I felt her hands push down on the bed on either side of me as she moved her leg over and pushed herself up to sit on my lower back. Her hands came up and placed pressure on my skin. She leaned her whole body down so when her hands pushed up my back there was a lot of pressure and it felt really good.
She was broken right now and I couldn’t do anything but lay here and feel her touching me. It helped. I knew that. But there was no action to take away this deluge of damage. She was blaming herself in this crazy cyclical pattern of introspective misery.
Chapter 3
Olivia
Touching her right now was healing for me.
I’d slept before but it hadn’t helped. Waking up and thinking about everything again just made me feel more heavy and when I text Avery she came right home even though I hadn’t asked or wanted her to.
I still felt sick with myself and ultimately wrong.
It wasn’t right that I wasn’t more upset about all those things he had said in that letter.
It wasn’t right that I even wrote him at all.
Avery kept wanting to talk. She kept pretending that wasn’t what she wanted but I knew.
We could never cover enough ground. We hadn’t enough time and when we talked it brought up more things, more cracks in our veneer.
As soon as she came home she was back to trying to make future plans.
When she finally sensed where I was, mentally, and grabbed that guitar, I felt like instantly fucking her. Horny as hell. As grateful as ever.
I don’t know if that’s bad.
I felt relief.
I hated that we were always off, always having this unnecessary polarity, always fighting at opposite ends of a teeter-totter. We were never close while level.
Maybe we never even leveled out.
I couldn’t say.
Last night when she had me touch her I was nowhere near in the mood but I knew she needed it more than anything else.
I hated this feeling.
I was so unsettled and off.
I leaned into her body and pushed, trying to take it all out and push it away. I felt her muscles give, little-by-little, as I used my strength to work them out.
After a while I realized I’d been breathing kind of loud.
She probably thought I was weird.
“How was Skylar,” I asked, knowing we could probably talk about that. I led my thumbs back to the base of her back as I pushed down again and felt my center rub just a little as I pushed my hands up her back and leaned into her again, letting out a recently held breath.
Her body was perfect and when I touched her like this it was the height of my pleasure.
I sat back and threw my shirt off. Touching her was making me hot.
That talk at the school had been all about remains… Tender bones.
I thought about that while I touched her now. I tried to trace her parts, see her bones beneath her skin.
It made no sense. I was playing, I guess. One day we’d both be bones.
“She’s good. It was goo
d to talk to her. I think we’re in a good place now.”
“Yeah?” I asked, my voice raising up with optimism as I traced the space beneath her shoulder blade where the tender muscle was. I pushed my thumb along that edge to feel her tense muscle all tight from all the swimming without stretching. She was bad with that, she never stretched.
“Did she tell you about the sex?” I asked, curious.
Paper Dolls Page 4
