by Con Riley
When she finally spoke, Theo expected her usual reserve, but was surprised when she made eye contact with Morgan instead.
“You’d be surprised just how much an old dog can learn, Morgan, given the right incentive.” They smiled at each other before she asked, “Do you really like it?”
Morgan nodded, his expression solemn. “I never lie about serious things.” He took another huge bite.
“I shall teach you then. It’s the mix of cheeses that makes the difference. I finish it with parmigiano.” Her eyes slid across to Theo. “Ben said it would improve the recipe, and he was right.” Her eyes fell, then lifted again. Morgan shrugged, then ate and ate while arguing good-naturedly with Theo’s dad, acting as if they were a completely normal, happy family. Theo watched as he joked and charmed, mocked and asked questions, listening to their answers with obvious interest. Theo sat at his old kitchen table and caught a glimpse of the future.
Everything looked possible, better, happier.
He put his fork down, suddenly unable to swallow.
Under the table, his mom squeezed his feet between her own.
Chapter 20
MORGAN found excuses to come see Theo at work every day during that first week. He only stopped by for a few minutes, asking to use the copier or sneaking one of his interns away for coffee. Theo found himself looking out for him, peering through his blinds instead of concentrating on his work, making excuses of his own for his lack of productivity that Maggie listened to, brows raised, in complete, skeptical silence. He couldn’t believe that she really had nothing to say about his change in relationship status.
Theo waited until Thursday morning before making her talk. She finished up describing his schedule for the following day, and then made notes when he listed additional tasks. He had a lot to complete before he left for Italy with his parents the following week.
“Rearrange the last meeting tomorrow for earlier in the day, or cancel it please, Maggie.” She nodded, adding to the list she’d already compiled on her pad. “I’m helping Morgan move the rest of his stuff over to my place, so I’ll be taking half a day of personal leave.” She nodded again before looking up.
“Anything else, Theo?”
“Yes, Maggie, we’ll need you to organize a U-Haul. Morgan has a lot of bodies in his freezer to move, and his assault rifles take up more space than I imagined. Also, can you contact my bank and transfer all of my accounts into his name? We’re setting up a new Internet church, and Morgan says he needs all my money as a sign of my faith. Did I tell you his name isn’t really Morgan? It’s Adam. Can you believe it? That’s definitely a sign from God.”
She closed her eyes.
“Alternatively, you could just believe that he isn’t an Internet crazy who wants to hurt me.”
When Maggie opened her eyes again, they shone.
“I don’t think he wants to hurt you, Theo.” She sat on his desk and kicked at his ankle, her lips pressing into thin, white lines before she added, “I just worry that he might do it accidentally.”
“Shall I tell you why I’m not concerned about that, Maggie?” He held out his hands until she gave up the pad she clutched so tightly. She wrapped her arms around herself, shrugging.
“I already know him. I’ve known him for months. I already know all about where he grew up, and what his family values were. I know that he misses them all so much, particularly his dad, but I’m pretty certain I’m not a replacement, if that’s what you’re wondering. He’s twenty-eight, not eighteen, and he worked through his own shit long before he met me.”
Maggie grimaced, saying, “I didn’t think that, Theo. I really didn’t. He’s not like the kids.” She inclined her head toward the outer office. They both looked out for a moment to where Joel and Evan worked side by side, leaning unconsciously toward each other. “I can see that already.”
Theo held a hand out. “I already know which subjects make him laugh, as well as the things that make him crazy. I know that he takes half a day to wake up, and that he’s as grumpy as hell until he eats. I know he loves olives, but hates anchovies, and I’m pretty certain that he thinks my pizza delivery guy is hot.”
Maggie blinked at him and took his hand before adding, “Yeah, he’s not wrong.”
Theo smiled. “I know that Morgan is honest to a fucking fault about things that matter, and if he has secrets, well, I don’t want to know them. We both had lives before.” Theo was guessing. He and Morgan discussed pretty much anything and everything, apart from Morgan’s prior partners. Sometimes he felt a little bad about that, imagining that the intensity of the way he remembered Ben left little room for his new partner to discuss past breakups. Maybe Morgan thought that his own hurts paled in comparison. Theo hoped that wasn’t the case.
Theo then repeated what he had said to his own mother. “I’m happy. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am very happy right now.” He shrugged. “Morgan makes me happy.” That was all he had to say, just a few words that made everything else irrelevant.
His assistant sighed, then nudged his ankle again. “You know I’m pleased for you, right? It’s just….” Her face twisted as she struggled to find the right words. “It’s what we all want for you, Theo—all of us. I guess he just isn’t what I expected for you.” She squeezed his hand before picking up her pad and turning to leave. “He’s just so… so….” Theo nodded, encouraging her to just spill it already. If she had a hang-up about their age gap, he’d rather deal with it right now. It was what it was. People needed to get over it like he had.
“He’s just so—” She made it to the door. “—so much hotter than you. Talk about a lucky break.” She grinned, backing out quickly while he grumbled.
Maggie wasn’t wrong. She never fucking was. Theo tried to get his head back in the game, needing to plow through work to make leaving early the next day feasible, especially as he would be away the whole following week. Her quick knock made him look up.
“Do you really need a U-Haul?” He shook his head, and she withdrew, pulling the door closed behind her. Morgan said he really didn’t have that much stuff. Maybe that was a legacy of all the moves he’d made growing up—he learned to travel light. Theo remembered the way Morgan had asked for his help to do something that really shouldn’t need two people.
Theo had started the conversation with Morgan the night before. They were sprawled across his couch—the best couch in creation, according to Morgan—panting, sweat chilling, starting to stick together, when Theo suggested that Morgan move the rest of his stuff out of his old place. After a rare silence, Theo lifted himself a little, yanking a throw over them both, smiling as Morgan snuggled in.
“Hey, don’t go to sleep yet.”
Morgan was indignant. “I’m not! I was just thinking.”
“Well, don’t do that in your head. Do it out loud like usual.”
Morgan mumbled, “So fucking bossy,” into Theo’s shoulder, his lips tickling, making Theo shift onto his side.
“I want you here, Morgan. I can’t see any point in waiting. You like it here, right?” He looked around the room, trying to see it from Morgan’s perspective. He guessed it still looked very much his and Ben’s home. “You know we can put a lot of this stuff away? I can make room for your things.” He needed Morgan to know that. He was ready to move on.
“I don’t want you to do that, Theo. I like seeing where you’ve been. It’s kind of cool, like living in a museum.”
Theo was vaguely horrified. Maybe his and Ben’s tastes were a little outdated. He really had no fucking clue. “We could redecorate,” he offered.
Morgan shifted against him, long fingers wrapping around one of Theo’s wrists. “No, I like it. I just mean that I can see your history. Everything is right here out in the open. He gestured toward a really ugly vase. “Like that, right there. What’s the story behind that… thing?”
Theo shuddered. “Oh, we fought over that.” They had. They really had. Theo lost his shit in a too-hot Proven
çal flea market, insisting for once that no, just no, he didn’t want that piece of crap in his home. He’d had a bad day. Their flight had been delayed, their first choice of hotel had been so horrible they’d already repacked and moved once, and every single thing Ben said annoyed the snot out of him.
Ben had been uncharacteristically moody and ungracious. “I should have bought it just to keep beside my bed. It would have reminded me of your ugly nature, Theo.”
Oh yes, they fought. They fought all the way back to the hotel, stumbling up the stairs, shoving each other into their cool and shady bedroom, right into bed. Ben bitched about the time Theo spent at work as he dragged his shirt off, while Theo moaned how it wasn’t his fucking fault that Ben had nothing to do all day as he yanked his shoes—still laced—from his feet. It had been Ben’s decision to retire early, not his.
Ben held his face then, looking right into his eyes, making his temper fade into nothing. “I don’t regret selling my share to Marco. I only regret not doing it sooner, tesoro. I have so much more time now to waste on you.” He’d kissed Theo like he was something precious, rather than a moody shit with no sense of humor. They had slow sex while the breeze carried the heavy scent of lavender into the room. Ben slept deeply afterward—Theo finally recognizing that his man must have been absolutely dropping with exhaustion. He probably suggested visiting the market in the first place only to entertain Theo.
He crept out and bought the vase—even uglier than he remembered—and left it on Ben’s nightstand, then sat reading a week-old Wall Street Journal on their balcony. He knew the exact moment Ben woke up. His deep rumble of delighted laughter made Theo smile for ages.
Morgan shifted against him, his body tense. “You fought?”
“Oh, yeah.”
“So you ended up with that… thing… because it was what he wanted? He insisted?” Morgan pulled him close, dark eyes searching his face intently.
“No, I bought it for Ben as a reminder that even when we were ugly to each other, we were still okay.”
“Really?” Morgan’s expression was confused. “That doesn’t sound like much of a fight to me.”
“What can I say? I’m a lover, not a fighter.”
Morgan relaxed under his hands. “Will you come with me? Help me pack up my shit?” Theo agreed, suggesting they get on that over the weekend. Morgan pulled away. “Could we do it before the weekend? I don’t have much, so it won’t take long.” When Theo offered to lend him his car, saying Morgan could do it himself while Theo was at work, Morgan said nothing. The silence stretched between them, and Theo struggled to work out what Morgan’s issue was. This was the difficult part of being with someone new, he decided—trying to unravel the things that Morgan chose not to say was so much harder than arguing about politics.
“I could take Friday afternoon off. Would you like that?” Morgan’s yes was muffled against Theo’s throat. “Then that’s what I’ll do. We’ll go get your things, then have all weekend to do whatever you like.” Morgan’s kisses were a hot, quick surprise. Theo almost laughed, then felt the tension that lay just beneath their surface. He wrapped his arms around Morgan, kissing him until they were right back where they started.
HE ALMOST forgot that strange, silent tension until he stood outside Morgan’s apartment on Friday afternoon.
Thinking back, Morgan hadn’t said much at all since collecting him from work. He drove Theo’s car in almost complete silence, then parked in the looming shadow cast by the old factory that housed his apartment. They rode up to Morgan’s floor, shifting the cartons they carried awkwardly from arm to arm, then headed toward his door, footsteps echoing along the still-industrial-looking hallway. Morgan dropped his cartons, telling Theo to wait while he let himself in. He was back in a moment, opening the door wide for Theo.
“Were you expecting someone to be here?” The thought hadn’t crossed Theo’s mind until he stood outside Morgan’s door waiting for him to come back. He felt a sudden sick wash of dread. The last time he’d been asked to wait like that while someone checked whether the coast was clear was during his first year of college. He’d been asked out a few times by a dude in his general studies class. No, that wasn’t exactly what happened. The guy had pursued Theo, tracking him down in the huge library, just happening to sit at his table at lunchtime, until they struck up a friendship. When their study evenings turned into more, Theo was really happy.
That happiness lasted until he realized his new boyfriend wouldn’t ever choose to meet in public, and looked over his shoulder constantly if they happened to be out. It had been a shock. They were studying in San Francisco, for fuck sake. He spent a short while blaming himself for not realizing that the dude was closeted, then spent much longer feeling dumb when he discovered that the dude he thought was his boyfriend was actually out and proud, and already had a long-term boyfriend.
He stood outside Morgan’s door with that same sick inner lurch going on, as if the hallway floor beneath his feet were actually the worn, weathered boards of a too-tiny yacht facing too-tall waves.
Morgan looked confused. “What? Expecting someone? No!”
Theo moved past him, carrying in the cartons and dumping them next to the kitchen counter.
“Okay.” Theo told himself to get a fucking grip already. Morgan was moving in with him. It was ridiculous to equate his out-of-character quietness with dishonesty. The man was fiercely honest—super quick to point out his own shortcomings, while equally swift to accept other people’s.
They packed quickly—there really wasn’t much—and only needed to make two runs down to the car to load up. Each time they walked down that dark hallway, Theo felt unhappiness coming off Morgan in waves. Once they were done, with just a few bags and a guitar case left to bring down, Theo offered Morgan some privacy. Maybe he was upset because his last breakup had been hurtful. He certainly always looked pained if Theo brought it up. It wasn’t that Theo wanted to hear about his prior relationships, but if Morgan needed to talk about them—like he did about Ben sometimes—he was open to it. It seemed impossible, to Theo at least, to share your life with someone and for it not to change who you were.
“I can take these down if you want a little time here by yourself.”
“What?” Morgan almost shouted. “Stay here any longer? Why? Fuck. I never want to see this place again.”
Morgan left, practically running, leaving Theo to lock up. He heard a crash from the end of the hallway, followed by the pounding of footsteps echoing away. Morgan hadn’t even been able to make himself wait for the elevator, taking the stairs instead. By the time he got to the car, Morgan had the engine running, fingers drumming in staccato syncopation, screeching away from the curb as Theo fastened his seatbelt.
“I’d rather you talked to me than killed us both, Morgan. If you can’t talk to me, can you at least slow down?” He watched Morgan’s bone-white face in profile. He looked like a complete stranger. Maggie’s worry crossed his mind again. He didn’t know this Morgan at all. When he pulled over and turned to Theo, his expression was so miserable that it was like a punch to his stomach. Winded, shocked at the clear distress on Morgan’s—his Morgan’s—face, Theo struggled to unfasten his seatbelt.
Theo got out of the car and went to the driver’s side door, opening it and leaning in to release Morgan from his seatbelt.
“Move over, Morgan.” With his face just inches away, he could clearly see the too-fast beat of Morgan’s pulse at the base of his throat. “Move over. Now, it’s time to go home.” He watched Morgan slide over, swapping spots with him, refastening his seatbelt as if he had no idea where he was. When they got home, Theo made him leave everything in the car, guiding him to the elevator. The moment the doors closed, Morgan had his arms around him so tightly he felt winded again.
“Hey, now.” He patted Morgan’s back until they reached their floor. When they were inside their own entranceway, Morgan hugged him again, hiding his face. They stood like that for a while—Theo feeling
helpless and clueless, Morgan obviously needing something but sharing absolutely nothing. When his grip released some, Theo started talking.
“I don’t know what that was about. I have absolutely no idea, but I want you to know—no, I need you to know—that I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
Morgan nodded against his neck.
“You had a bad breakup, right?” Theo asked gently.
Morgan nodded again.
“Was he seeing someone else, Morgan? Is that why you wanted to check out the apartment first? Did you think they might be there together?”
Morgan’s head shake was fierce.
“Okay, okay. Did he think you were seeing someone else?”
This time Morgan stood still.
“Wait…. Did he think you were seeing me? Is that why you broke up? We were talking online a lot, right? Did he think—”
Morgan’s voice was hoarse. “No, not you specifically.”
Theo tried to put the pieces together, feeling like a kid who could only complete a too-difficult jigsaw puzzle by ripping, bending or forcing the pieces into place, knowing that the picture didn’t look quite right no matter how he hard he tried. Did Morgan mean that he talked to lots of people on the Internet like he did with him? He tried to find the words, feeling dumb all over again.
“Did he think you were having relationships with other people?”
Morgan’s nod was small.
Theo looked over Morgan’s shoulder at their reflection, wondering how many lovers had broken up in front of its antique silvered glass. Morgan held him tighter.
“Were….” Theo couldn’t ask. He didn’t want to know the answer. He felt terrible. When Morgan stepped back, Theo could see his own face in the mirror clearly. He absolutely looked his age right then.
