by Len Webster
But it wouldn’t.
Staring into her shiny green eyes, he knew it wouldn’t.
He had to accept she would return to Duke.
He had to accept it if it meant he could still be in her life.
“I understand, Alexandra. You’re returning to North Carolina after our road trip.”
Her lips made a fine line before she nodded. “You have to say it. That you are going back to California after our road trip.”
Evan shook his head. “I can’t …”
“Please, Evan. You have to say it. I can’t let you not return to Stanford. You have your scholarship and baseball—”
“None of that matters without you,” he revealed.
AJ took a deep breath and slowly released it. “It does matter, Evan. I can’t be the reason you lose your scholarship. I couldn’t live with myself if that were to happen. I promise, we’ll figure out everything between us …” She paused when the bathroom door opened.
“Morning, Alex,” Savannah said from behind him.
His best friend smiled. “Morning, Sav.”
“Not to break up this moment y’all are having, but Alex, you better take a shower if you want to stop by Chino’s for coffee before class.”
AJ nodded and turned her attention back to him. “You wanna come get coffee with us?”
He shook his head, knowing that he needed some time on his own to process everything AJ said this morning and figure out how to win her back. To have her back in his life. “No, you both go. I have some things to do before we leave Duke. How long is your class?”
“Two hours.”
“All right. I’ll see you back here after your class,” Evan said.
She nodded and then made her way to her desk. He watched as she rummaged through her bag on the floor and pulled something out. Moments later, AJ handed him a lanyard. “It’s my dorm key. In case you want to go out while Sav and I are in class. The code for the building is zero, six, five, one, nine, four. I’ll come back right after class ends to pack my things.”
“Okay,” he agreed, satisfied that the gleam in her eyes was hope for them.
33 As
arsenic
AJ
Senior year of high school
“AJ!” a voice roared.
She clenched her eyes tighter, ignoring the sound of her name being called as she enjoyed the warmth that surrounded her.
“Where is she, Kyle?”
“Lower your voice, Evan. It’s not even nine in the morning. She’s asleep.”
Evan?
AJ opened her eyes and took in the leather armchair in front of her where her clothes lay. She blinked, realizing exactly where she was. What exactly she had done and who she had gone to in her time of need.
“You better hope to God she’s not in your bed,” Evan warned.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Evan. You think I’m going to take advantage of her? You’re insane. She’s sleeping in the guest room.”
Sitting up, AJ brushed her hair over her shoulder and blinked at the sight of Evan bursting into the guest room. His eyes were wide. Hair soaked as relief consumed his face.
“Hey,” she said in a small voice.
“Alexandra,” he breathed as he tore off his jacket and let it fall to the floor. Before she could even take her next breath, Evan climbed onto the king-size bed and wrapped his arms tightly around her. His chin rested on her head as he took a deep breath. Loving the feel of his strong arms around her, AJ let her eyes fall closed as she reveled in his embrace. “I rushed right over.”
She nodded into his chest. Then she opened her eyes and tilted her head back. “How did you know I was at Kyle’s?”
Evan smiled down at her, the worry still bright in his brown eyes. “Your dad knocked on my door early this morning to tell me that you guys had a fight. Why didn’t you just come to me?”
Guilt doubled in her chest.
She should have gone to Evan last night.
But she knew it would have only made the situation worse for everyone.
She needed distance, and she got it.
“I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice. “I just needed to get away from my parents before I said something stupid. I just got in my car and started driving. Before I knew it, the snow was coming down hard, and I came here to Kyle’s.”
Evan nodded, understanding now replaced the concern on his face. “You should have called me, AJ.”
“I know,” she agreed as she pressed her palms to his stomach and pulled back. His arms around her loosened, but he didn’t let her go. “I was a mess. I overreacted and said some things to my dad that I didn’t mean. I felt horrible afterward. This whole pressure of college and my future was just too much. I didn’t apply to all the schools my dad had expected, and when he found out, he wasn’t happy.”
We fought about you.
But I can’t tell him that.
“Hey,” Evan said as he untangled his arms, and his palms settled on the curves of her neck. This. The way he looked at her, she loved. It was far too intimate. A reminder of their kiss on that rooftop. Hope fluttered in her chest, but AJ forced it away from spreading its lies and consuming her heart. “The next time you go insane and decide to run away, you let me know, okay?”
Her shoulders fell as she tilted her head at him. “So you can stop me?”
Evan chuckled. “No. So I can join you,” he clarified. Then he brought her a little closer and pressed his lips to her forehead.
AJ closed her eyes and memorized the feel of his lips on her. A cold droplet of water hit her skin and caused her to wince and pull away from him. “Why are you soaked?” she asked as she brushed the moisture from her forehead.
“I was going to drive into the city, but when your dad told me you drove, I took the subway and then ran here. The snow mixed with the rain.”
The lengths he had taken to be with her caused her chest to squeeze. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
Evan rolled his eyes. “And you shouldn’t have taken off without me.”
AJ shifted under the blanket and got on her knees, causing Evan’s hands to leave her skin. Then she cupped his jaw and pressed her lips to his forehead. Her lips pulled away a fraction before she whispered, “The next time I leave, I’ll take you with me.”
“That a promise?” Evan asked as he grasped her hips, holding her in place.
Gazing down at him, she smiled. “It’s a promise,” she declared as she curled an arm around the back of his neck and thread her fingers into his damp hair, pressing his ear to her chest.
If this was all she could ever have with Evan, she’d take it for all it was worth and all it could be.
This was the moment she loved him completely.
And if she couldn’t have him forever.
At least she had this moment.
And for AJ, that was for forever.
After AJ had dressed and made the bed, she walked out of Kyle’s guest room to find him leaning against the leather couch they had sat on last night. She glanced over to find Evan by the hallway, holding her coat. After she and Evan had embraced a little longer, he suggested they go home. She knew she couldn’t prolong it any longer. She needed to apologize to her parents for her behavior and all the worry she had caused them.
AJ shut the door behind her and made her way toward Kyle who had a small smile on his face. He promised her that they would go out for breakfast and do whatever she felt like today. But that was the difference between him and Evan.
Evan encouraged her to make amends.
Kyle allowed her to escape from her troubles by ignoring them.
She appreciated Kyle.
Appreciated him for being there for her when she had shown her immaturity.
When she reached Kyle, he pushed off the couch and gazed dow
n at her with his sad, gleaming eyes. “You’re leaving?”
AJ nodded. “Evan’s right. I need to apologize to my parents. I shouldn’t spend the day in the city when they’re waiting for me to come home. Thank you for being there for me and letting me stay. I really do appreciate it.” AJ set her hands on his shoulders, got on her tippy toes, and pressed a kiss on his cheek. When she was flat on her feet, she smiled at him. “Thank you, Kyle.”
“Anytime, Alexi. I’m just happy that you came to me when you were upset.”
She knew that little jab was his way of getting under Evan’s skin. But as she peeked over at Evan shaking his head, she knew that it didn’t affect him.
“Thanks again, Kyle,” she said before she walked toward Evan, who was holding her coat open for her. AJ spun around, threading her arms through as Evan helped her put the thick jacket on. Once she had buttoned it up, Evan led her down the hall and out of Kyle’s apartment, ready to go home and face her waiting parents.
“Are you okay?” Evan asked as AJ continued to stare at the front door of her family home. Anxiously brushing her thumb along her fingertips, she took several deep breaths. She had never walked away from her parents before. She had never fought with them, and she had never run away. But last night, she let her emotions get the better of her, and she threw a tantrum.
Swinging her gaze to Evan, she smiled at his reassuring nod. Her heart swelled at his support for her to reconcile with her parents, but guilt swept the warmth from her chest and replaced it with a constricting tension.
The ugliness of her jealousy over Evan caused shame to fill her.
Evan was her best friend.
Her father had every right to be proud of him.
Evan Gilmore was a good person who was always respectful to her parents, had a three-point-five GPA, and was the captain of the baseball team.
Her anger was misplaced. She couldn’t fault her father for being more proud of him than her. AJ disappointed herself when she had let MIT slip from her grasp, but it was her fault her dream was gone.
“Hey,” Evan said, getting her attention.
AJ blinked several times and then inhaled deeply through her nostrils. “Sorry. I’m okay. I’ve never fought with my parents before, Evan, and I don’t like how I feel right now.”
Her best friend raised a curled hand and knocked on the front door. When he lowered his fist, Evan gave her a wide smile that reached his eyes. “It’ll be okay, AJ. I promise, it’ll be okay. I’ll be with you, all right?”
The moment she opened her mouth to thank him for his support, she heard the front door unlock and then it opened, causing her to turn and find her mother standing before her with bloodshot eyes and tears streaming down her face.
“Mum,” AJ breathed. “I’m so—”
Her mother stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her, causing AJ to close her mouth. AJ circled her arms around her mother and closed her eyes, hating that she made the woman who brought her into the world worry so much and cry.
“Oh, thank God,” she heard Uncle George say. “Nolan!”
Her mother pulled back and cupped AJ’s jaw, her brown eyes roaming the surface of AJ’s face. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
She pressed her lips into a tight line. “I’m fine, Mum. I’m so sorry I took off like that. I didn’t mean to worry you or Dad or anyone.”
“I know,” her mother whispered as her tears continued to fall down her face. “I’m just relieved you’re home, and you’re safe.”
“I feel awful,” AJ confessed with shame layering her voice. “I didn’t mean any of it—”
“She’s home?” her father asked.
Peeking over her mother’s shoulder, she noticed her father by the staircase. Like her mother, her father’s eyes were red, and his face was etched with fatigue. Her recklessness had caused them a sleepless night, and for that, she couldn’t be more sorry for her stupidity. Her mother stepped aside, and AJ took in her father’s tense posture. He was afraid of her reaction. Afraid she was still angry with him. Knowing she was the reason for the guilt and pain in his eyes made her feel horrible.
Swallowing back the lump in her throat, AJ entered the house and made her way to her father. She watched him hold his breath as she closed the distance between them. When she reached him, she threw her arms tightly around him.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dad,” AJ cried as her father wrapped his arms around her and rested his cheek on top of her head.
“I’m the one who’s sorry, Alexandra. I’m sorry I made you feel like I’m not proud of you,” he said. His arms loosened around her until his hands grasped her shoulders and pushed her back to look her in the eye. “You, my sweet Alexandra, are who I live for. You are my proudest achievement. And being your father has been the biggest privilege and best experience of my life. You are my life. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you’re a disappointment. Because you’re not. You’re brilliant, and you’re beautiful. You’re smart, and you’re kind. If anyone is a disappointment, it’s me for not showing you how proud I am to be your father. You’re all I want in my child. You are my only child, and you are the most important thing in my world. I love you, Alexandra. And I don’t care what college you attend because I know you’re gonna make me so in awe of you and so proud.”
“Dad,” she said in a small voice.
Her father cradled her face with as much gentleness as her mother had moments ago. “Stanford or Harvard,” he said in a low voice as tears consumed his eyes. “Columbia or Yale. Princeton or Dartmouth. No matter which college you decide to attend, I’ll still love you the same. I want you to be happy. But I want you to understand something we didn’t discuss and have never really discussed. Alexandra, you can love whomever you want. Just don’t change who you are or where you’re going in life because he will love you someday with as much love as you have for him.”
Her lungs ceased.
Her heart came to a halt as she lost the sensation in her fingers.
Her father was vague.
He hadn’t said Evan’s name.
But she heard his approval in his voice.
The approval in the very words he said.
She nodded. “I understand, Dad.”
“Nolan,” her mother said behind her. “We should let Alexandra go upstairs and change. Evan, will you be staying for breakfast?”
“If that’s okay with everyone?” her best friend replied.
AJ watched her father nod, and her lips pressed into a tight smile. He bent down and kissed the top of her head. Then, in a low voice, he said, “You’re a Parker, Alexandra, and sometimes, Parkers have to wait. Just give him some time.”
Nodding, she pulled away. She didn’t want to tell her father that waiting for Evan to realize that she could love him the way no one else could was slowly killing her. Instead, she spun around and smiled at everyone before she excused herself to go upstairs to shower.
Walking out of her en-suite bathroom, AJ ran the cotton towel through her hair. The hot shower she just took was a godsend. It refreshed her and got rid of the offness she felt. She knew it was mental, but the warm water felt like it purified her from last night’s mistakes. As the steam filled the shower, AJ stood under the spray of the water and thought about the past twenty-four hours.
Evan’s perfect kiss.
His confirmation that the kiss was out of convenience and a must in life.
Hearing her mother and father argue over her and Evan.
Her father’s rage when she told him that MIT was no longer a dream she could pursue.
It was almost ten a.m. on the first day of the year, and AJ felt like it had dragged on and on.
Once she reached her bed, AJ set the towel down and made her way across her bedroom to her desk. AJ pulled the chair out and sat down, taking in her surroundings. The corkboard contained
papers with different equations and theories she had written down. There were notes from Mr. Miller about what she needed to know if she wanted to set herself apart. One bright pink Post-it had a list of scientific peer-reviewed journals her physics teacher had recommended she read over break. With her college applications, the holidays, and her family visiting, she hadn’t had the chance to read a single journal.
Reaching for the Post-it, she pulled it from the pushpin and set it next to her laptop. Later tonight, she’d read through them. If she had hopes of someday publishing in a peer-reviewed journal like Science Magazine, she had to read more. AJ swung her gaze from the Post-it to the stack of college pamphlets next to her textbooks. She picked them up and smiled the moment she saw that Stanford was on the top of the pile.
Stanford with Evan sounded like a dream, but her heart wasn’t completely set on it. Choosing Stanford meant giving up one of her heart’s choice—and that was her academics. But she wasn’t a sure thing when it came to being accepted. She had to be realistic. There was a chance she wouldn’t get in, but she hoped she did, for her and Evan’s sake. AJ set the Stanford pamphlet on top of her closed laptop and flicked through the college material she had.
Harvard.
Yale.
Princeton.
Columbia.
NYU.
Dartmouth.
When AJ got to the brochure for Massachusetts Institute of Technology, she set the remaining college pamphlet aside and took in the smiles of the students. Her lip twitched, wanting to form a line as her thumb brushed against the letters that spelled the school she had dreamed of attending since she was a small child.
“A dream for a dream,” she told herself as she grasped the top of the thin glossy booklet and took a deep breath.
Alexandra Parker couldn’t fathom living her life without Evan Gilmore.
But she could imagine a life without MIT.
She had to.
She would trade MIT for Evan every time.
