by Len Webster
She smiled. “I’m going to make you and your father breakfast.”
AJ watched her mother walk around her bed, pause near AJ’s desk and take in the floor. “Did you clean up the letters?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Your father did. He didn’t want you to wake up to it or have Evan see it.”
Her heart dropped.
Her father loved Evan like a son.
“Is he okay?”
AJ’s mother spun around and faced her. “Your father watched his little girl, the love of his life, experience heartbreak for the first time. He’ll be okay. Right now, he wants you to be happy with your life and will respect whatever decision you make.”
AJ loved her father.
He was the best man she knew.
To hear that her father was not his happy self broke her.
She never wanted her parents to see her crumple the way she had last night.
“I’ll go get breakfast started,” her mother said before she left AJ’s room.
Once the door closed, AJ let out a sigh as she reached over and picked up her Duke acceptance letter.
She stared at it.
Stared at the way her name was printed on the paper.
It wasn’t Stanford.
It wasn’t MIT.
It wasn’t Ivy League.
But somehow, it felt like AJ’s.
A knock on her door had AJ folding the letter and setting it in her lap. AJ got comfortable on her bed and said, “Yes?”
“AJ, it’s me,” Evan announced at the door.
AJ.
AJ, his best friend.
AJ, who he broke.
He opened the door, guilt bright on his face. Evan was hurt. She’d never seen him with so much pain on his face. She wondered if she broke his heart last night, but she knew he didn’t offer his heart for her to break. Breaking his heart was impossible. “Can I come in?”
He was the boy she used to ride bikes with.
The boy who used to wait for her at the airport toward the end of summer.
He was the boy who was her first kiss.
The boy she loved entirely until it became too much to bear.
He was Evan Gilmore, and had he let her, she would have loved him for her whole life.
But he didn’t.
And AJ had to grow without him.
Had to live without him.
Live her life for her.
The thought gave AJ’s heart a pardon as a new beat consumed it.
A beat for her and no one else.
“Come in,” she said.
Evan entered her room, walked around her bed, and sat in front of her. He looked nervous. His eyes searched hers as if he was trying to find her forgiveness in them.
Evan Gilmore had one fault to his perfection.
He wouldn’t let her love him.
“Are we okay?” he asked in a small, frightened voice.
Are we okay?
Three simple words that would never be the three simple words she wanted to give to him.
So she had to throw him off.
She had to move on from prom.
AJ glanced down at the folded Duke acceptance letter in her lap and grasped it in one hand for strength.
Not long ago, her future lay with Evan. Her future in her hands when she touched him.
But this time, her future was her own, and she grasped it tightly in the form of a letter.
To save her heart from the wounds he could inflict on her, AJ told the truth, “We’re okay, Evan.”
They were her three words she’d give him.
The three words he accepted from her with a relieved smile.
A smile that would leave him when she went to Duke, and he went to Stanford.
AJ smiled at the picture in her hand that she had developed this morning. All summer, she had neglected to print them, so this morning, her father had driven her into the city to get them printed. They had spent the rest of the morning at her mother’s bakery having coffee and cupcakes. It had been nice to spend some time with her father. Summer had been tough on him. It had also been tough on her mother. AJ felt guilty, but she knew deep down that they understood her decision.
The picture she held was of her and Evan at their high school graduation.
The smile on his face was beautiful.
He graduated as the captain of the state champion baseball team and was offered a full ride to Stanford University in California.
AJ was valedictorian, and unknown to many, she had accepted a scholarship to Duke University in North Carolina. She refused to add the college she’d be attending in her speech. She lied and said that everyone already knew where she was going, so she didn’t need to repeat herself. When AJ had finished writing her valedictorian speech, she read it out loud to Mr. Miller. Her speech centered around finding oneself in the real world, and that when they returned to Boston someday, they’d all be returning home. AJ had also written her gratitude to Mr. Miller and how he had inspired her to seek out what was best for her. To her complete surprise, he had cried during her speech.
Setting the picture down, she reached over and picked up the framed picture of her favorite photo of her and Evan. It was at Fenway Park when they wore Colorado Rockies baseball caps and had smiles on their faces.
It was a picture she knew she’d bring to Duke with her.
Overall, the remaining months of her senior year had run smoothly.
All because AJ had lied to herself and everyone around her for months.
For the rest of their senior year, AJ was Evan Gilmore’s best friend.
She hid her pain.
Went to his games.
She closed her heart and watched him win state.
Now, senior year was over.
She had said goodbye to all her teachers and classmates and was ready to move on with her life.
Away from Massachusetts.
Away from Kyle and his begging her to stay after she had confessed to him last week that she was going to Duke.
Away from the media who were still in awe of her for donating her settlement money.
And most importantly, away from Evan.
It was time for AJ to finally live her own life.
Even if it meant betraying Evan.
It had to be about her.
It had to finally be about her.
Even if guilt prevented her from sleeping well at night or looking Evan in the eye for too long, afraid he could see her impending betrayal in her eyes.
A knock on her bedroom door had AJ setting the frame down and turning to find the small smile on her mother’s face. “Evan’s outside, my love.”
“Okay,” AJ said and got up from the desk chair. She spun around and took in the boxes she still had to fill before she loaded up her parents’ car and they drove to North Carolina. With Evan so busy with his own packing, he hadn’t had the time to come over and notice that she was packing boxes instead of suitcases.
She walked to the door, smiled at her mother, and then exited her room. When she made it to the stairs, she took a deep breath. Evan had no idea that when they said goodbye today, it would be their last.
She wouldn’t be meeting him in LA to drive to Stanford with him.
Instead, she’d be leaving for Duke in a few days to move in and meet her new roommate who she’d be sharing a dorm room with.
AJ went down the stairs and headed to the front door. She grasped the handle, opened the door, and stepped outside. She noticed her father talking to Evan as a cab waited at the curb to take him to Logan International airport for his flight to Las Vegas. He was about to spend a week with some of his baseball teammates before they all parted ways and headed off to their individual colleges.
Evan smiled the moment he noticed her wal
king toward them. She wished it had been easier to love him. To have him reciprocate her love. But as Evan said, she was the most important person in his world because she was his best friend. And she had to believe someday, someone would love her the way she had loved Evan.
“Hey, AJ,” he said as she stood next to her father.
“Hey,” she said with a smile that was a complete fabrication.
“I’ll let you kids say goodbye. Have fun in Vegas, Ev. And make sure you be careful,” her father reminded.
Evan laughed. “Sure thing, Mr. Parker. I’ll see you at Stanford.”
AJ noticed her father tense next to her. Her parents had been lying to Evan all summer. They tried their best to avoid discussing Stanford with Evan, but when they did, it was always uncomfortable for them. AJ felt horrible that they had to lie for her.
“Yeah, I’ll see you later, Evan,” her father said before he left AJ and Evan by the waiting cab.
“You’re going to have so much in Vegas with the boys. Just don’t get in trouble,” AJ said.
He nodded. “I won’t. I do have that fake ID, but I probably won’t use it since Hunter will get all the alcohol. I won’t get in trouble, AJ. I promise. No matter how much fun we’ll have, it won’t be the same without you.”
Her heart plunged as she swallowed back the pain and nodded. “I’d only get in the way of your boys’ week. You better get going; you gotta pick up Hunter on the way to Logan. If you don’t get moving, you’ll miss your flight.”
And AJ couldn’t have that.
She needed Evan miles and miles away so she could pack and leave Massachusetts behind her.
Evan stepped forward and gently cradled her face in his hands. The soft contact caused her to still, hoping her heart’s defenses could withstand him for just a bit longer. “I can’t wait to start our lives in California together, AJ.”
Her chest felt as if it were on fire, and all she did, like she had since the day after prom, was smile through the pain.
To continue to pretend.
“I’ll see you in LA,” he said and then leaned down and pressed a lingering kiss on her forehead. AJ forced her eyes to remain open and not fall shut to memorize this intimate act. If she did, she’d break, and she’d turn her back on her new dreams.
And her dreams were now about her.
Graduate from Duke and then enroll to MIT for her Ph.D.
When Evan broke their contact, he gazed down at her and whispered, “Eight protons. Eight Neutrons.”
Then he pulled away and turned around. He yanked the cab door open and then slid inside. AJ watched him wind down the window and smile at her before the cab pulled away and drove toward the city, taking her heart with it in the back seat.
AJ stood on the sidewalk as her past left her.
She had done it.
She let him leave.
Her heart crumbled at the fleeting taxi as a sob escaped her.
Tears fell freely.
Her throat tightened.
She let Evan go.
Her best friend.
The boy she loved.
He was gone.
And he had no idea what she had done to him.
To them.
So she let her tears fall as her heart succumbed to grief.
There was no AJ and Evan.
They would now live their lives separately.
And she had to go on with that knowledge first.
Taking a deep breath, she reminded herself why she did it.
Why she kept it a secret from him.
She knew where her future lay.
And she would not let anyone else obliterate her dreams ever again.
Even if it meant she had betrayed her best friend and turned her back on them and Stanford.
She hoped to God he never found her in North Carolina.
That she could finally be free of Evan’s grip on her heart and her future.
AJ had chosen Duke for herself.
To find herself.
And most importantly, to heal and forget Evan Gilmore.
50 Sn
tin
AJ
Now
In the months since AJ had last been home, it felt like nothing had changed except for the trees. When she had left Brookline, summer was coming to an end. Now, she returned home, and the leaves had turned to shades of brown and orange. Brookline, Massachusetts, was a beautiful part of the world where AJ would always call home.
But being home meant the end of her road trip with Evan.
It meant figuring out what happened next for them.
The over two-hour drive from Watch Hill back to her parents’ house had done nothing to answer the questions playing on loops in her head. Instead of talking, Evan held her hand and assured her that even though everything had changed between them, they would be okay. She had smiled and glanced out the window as doubt planted its seed in her and spread.
It might have been easier had they not slept together.
Had she not given him her virginity.
But she did, and she didn’t regret last night.
It was perfect even if it paved the way for imminent destruction.
“I’ll get your bag,” Evan said as he pulled on the door handle of the driver’s side door and then got out of the car.
AJ let out a sigh when he closed the door behind him and went to the trunk to retrieve her bag. She had no idea what would happen after she got out of the car, but she knew the drive to Brookline was time she’d spent sealing her heart away.
To protect it the way she had refused to do so before.
She had quietly loved the last time, and Evan ruined her.
This time, she would love cautiously.
Because Evan might think he was her oxygen.
But what Evan Gilmore didn’t know was that he was arsenic to her soul.
The poison to her heart.
And she owed it to that foolish organ to do better this time.
So she would be cautious and keep it close to her chest.
AJ leaned over and picked up her purse from the floor. Her fingers wrapped around the door handle before she pulled on it and opened the car door. Once she got out of the rental car, she swung the purse strap onto her shoulder and closed the door behind her. She took in her parents’ home to find that it was exactly how she had left it. With the exception of the fallen leaves on the lawn—which her mother loved to see and normally forced AJ’s father to leave for a little while before he raked them up. Before she and Evan left Watch Hill, she called her parents to tell them that they were on their way home. The roads had cleared up, and it was safe for them to get back on the road.
As she glanced over at the front door, it opened, and her mother stepped out with a smile on her face. Being in college was the longest AJ had ever spent away from her parents. She had missed them and was so happy to see them.
“Alexandra!” her mother squealed as she ran down the path and wrapped her arms around AJ. “I’m so happy you’re home.”
“Hey, Mum,” AJ said with a smile once her mother had ended their embrace. “Where’s Dad?”
Her mother rolled her eyes. “He just got a call from Hong Kong, so he’s in his office—” Her smile shifted from AJ to Evan as he stood next to her. “Evan, it’s so good to see you.”
“Hello, Mrs. Parker,” Evan said as he set AJ’s suitcase down.
Her mother reached over, pulled up the handle on AJ’s suitcase, and said, “Come inside,” before AJ could even claim her suitcase back. Then her mother spun around and walked back into the house, leaving AJ and Evan alone.
“Alexandra,” he said.
She craned her neck to find a tight smile on his face and his brown eyes gleaming. “Are you okay?”
He nodded. “Whatever
happens, my feelings for you haven’t changed since we went over state lines. I still love you. I’m still in love with you.”
Turning her body, AJ reached up and pressed her palm to his chest. “I love you, Evan.”
Seconds later, he covered her hand with his own and said, “Come on. Your parents will be waiting. I know I might not be their favorite person since prom, but I did miss them while I was in California.”
“They’ve missed you, too, Evan,” she assured before she dropped her hand from his chest and made her way to the front door.
After Evan said hello to her father, he had a cup of coffee with her mother as she caught him up on all the things he had missed while he was in California. Her bakery was still as successful as always, and with such demand, she was looking into the idea of expanding—which was news to AJ. Her mother took up all of Evan’s attention that when he had a call he had to take, he suggested that he let AJ unpack from their trip. That was when her mother invited Evan for dinner.
And that was where AJ currently found herself.
In the hours since she had walked Evan to her front door, she sat on her bed and replayed last night over and over again in her head.
When she asked Evan to make her feel his love, she hadn’t realized that she’d feel the remnants of his touch on her skin and his whispers in her chest. All she wanted to do was see him. But she didn’t want to seem too needy.
Too attached to him.
She wanted to tell him that she loved him and figure out how it would work for them with miles and states between them. Once they finished having dinner with her parents, she’d pull him away to talk. She should have seized the two hours they had together during their drive, but she had been too much of a coward to bring up their future first.
“I’m so sorry, everyone,” her father said as he entered the dining room. He walked up to AJ’s mother, kissed her on the cheek, apologized, then moved down the table to kiss AJ’s cheek. “It’s good to have you home, Alexandra.”
AJ turned and smiled at her father as he sat down on the chair on her left. “Is everything okay with work, Dad?”
He nodded as he picked up his knife and fork, reassuring her with that smile she loved. It was large and always told her that everything would be all right. “They always seem to need me when a new manager starts at the Hong Kong office. Nothing to worry about.” Her father gazed over to his left and smiled. “Evan, how are you?”
