I put my phone away and stop on the weathered deck, looking out at the river, and sigh. I still cannot stop being amazed at how my life has changed. I loved my life before. I had accomplished everything I thought I wanted, but meeting someone who loves me for who I am and who I can love back, has brought another meaning. I feel like I am finally fully balanced in all aspects of my life.
I drive back home and make it in time to face Atlanta traffic on a weekday. The drive to Roswell was no more than thirty minutes, but returning at rush hour has almost doubled that commute. Something to think about, I’m definitely not used to this. My phone rings and I answer, happy to hear Parker’s voice.
“Hey! How was the drive down?”
“Hi, baby. Sorry I didn’t call you. It was good. I made it in good time. I had to meet with the players and we began training right away. I should have sent you a text at least. Just got done for the day.”
“It’s okay. I just wanted to make sure you made it safely. I had lunch with Em and we’re planning on seeing a few storefronts this weekend for the bakery.”
“Sounds good. Where are you now?”
“Stuck in torturous traffic.”
Parker chuckles. “You’ll get used to it.”
“I hope so. I went to Roswell.”
“Oh yeah? What for?”
“Emily had mentioned the possibility of opening a bakery outside of Atlanta and I wanted to check it out. I really loved it! Definitely right up my alley.”
“Hmmm… That’s a good idea. I hadn’t thought about that.”
“Yeah. We’ll see. I’m still not discarding Atlanta, but her points made sense. Roswell is a smaller city and has a homier vibe. It may also lead to less competition.”
“Makes sense.”
We talk until I get home, and then Parker says he’s going to take a shower and settle into the hotel room. He promises to call after dinner and I hang up and shower as well.
“Fuck!” I slam my hand down on the kitchen counter frustrated. I burned what I was cooking again. Lately, I have been a distracted mess and it is really getting to me. I pull out the pan of semi-burnt cupcakes and throw it on the stovetop. It has been four weeks since Parker left, I still haven’t found a place to start up my bakery and he and I barely speak.
When we do talk, we are both exhausted and fall asleep on the phone. Not exactly the romance we were hoping, and even less of a successful long distance relationship. Despite trying to avoid it, we still ended up with distance separating us.
I have never felt so out of sorts and not having my bakery or the one person who makes me feel whole is weighing on me. I’ve considered going back to Tuscaloosa and spending some time there, getting back to my roots.
“Hello?” I answer my vibrating phone harshly.
“Hey,” I hear an unsure voice on the other line.
“Hi,” I soften hearing his voice. I will admit it has been hell being away from him, but I love him. “How are you?”
“Exhausted. This is definitely intense. It’s so different than coaching high school and college. I’m so sorry we haven’t spoken as much. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too. It is really hard. I’m thinking of going to Tuscaloosa for a bit.”
“What? How long?” I hear the panic in his voice. That is so unlike him.
“I don’t know. A week maybe. Being here is really hard. I feel like I don’t have a place for me. Yeah, I have my apartment, but it’s not the same. I miss my bakery. I miss my friends and grandmother.”
“Baby…”
“Parker.” I hear him sigh. “I love you. I really do, but this is hard.”
“I know it is. Damn it! Don’t you think I feel it, too? I spend my days in intense training. Then we have games and meetings to discuss what to improve after the games. Sometimes I don’t finish until later at night, after dinner and spending time with the team. It’s exhausting, but that doesn’t mean a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I know we haven’t spoken really. I know it’s been hard on the both of us, but this is our life now. Are you always going to go to Tuscaloosa when I’m not in town?”
“That’s not fair. I know you’re tired. I know you’re under a lot of pressure. I could just go check up on the bakery and stuff. You know, disconnect a bit.”
“Disconnect from whom?”
“That’s not what I meant.” I feel tears stinging my eyes. “I don’t want to disconnect from you, but…but I feel like we are regardless.” I exhale loudly, letting out the truth I’ve been holding in for a few weeks.
“That’s not true.”
“Parker, I sent you photos of a bakery in Roswell. Did you see them? Did you just choose not to send a quick text to reply? A simple yes or no would have sufficed. I’m here because I want to be with you. I could have stayed in Alabama and continued my life, but I wanted to be with you. I understand what you’re going through, but I need you, too.”
“Savannah…”
“I’m going to Tuscaloosa, Parker. Like it or not, I’m going.” As I speak to him I start to realize how our relationship has shifted while he’s been away. It’s not supposed to be like this. Four weeks isn’t that long of a time to become so distant despite the long hours and stress. This is his job now and I can’t help but wonder if this is what our life will be like every time he is out of town.
If you love someone and are constantly thinking of them, like he says he is of me, don’t you want to call them? Don’t you want to at least reply to a text message about such an important decision? I have kept him in the loop of everything that has been going on in Atlanta while he’s away, but I feel like when we talk it’s a quick I love you and hang up. I need more than that. I need all of him.
“You’ll want to stay and not come back to Atlanta.” His confession catches me off guard.
“Is that what you think?”
“Yes.” He sounds resigned.
“Wow. I didn’t move to Atlanta as a part-time deal. I moved because I wanted to. Despite it being an impulse, I thought about it and wanted to be where you are. This is part of your career; spring training, away games, long hours. Think about that and how I fit into that. I won’t be ignored, Parker. I love you, but I want to be a part of it all. Even if you spend an hour talking about how work was. I want to know. Include me or this is going nowhere fast. I gotta go.” I hang up and feel the tears that were building slide down my cheeks.
My phone sounds with Billy Currington’s voice, but I ignore it. I am so upset and frustrated at the moment that I would rather not speak to him or I’ll say something I’m sure to regret.
Is this how it will always be? Will I always feel out of the loop when he’s away with the team? I know this has been a struggle and an eye opener for us in terms of what his career will be like, but we need balance. I’m not sure if I can handle the lack of communication when he’s not around. No matter how much he makes up for it when he is in town, I need to know that our relationship is solid when he is away, too. Thinking about me alone isn’t enough if he isn’t communicating.
I lie down in bed, feeling the weight of our conversation drowning me, and try to close my eyes. I’m starting to remember why I wasn’t in a relationship for so many years, and I’m starting to remember why I always trusted loyal B.O.B.
Fresh tears swim in my eyes before dropping down my face. If things don’t work out with Parker, I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone they will work out with. He is my future and my happiness. He has taken over my heart and filled it with so much love.
Tired of hearing my text messages and calls go off, I silence my phone and fall asleep hoping tomorrow will bring clarity and peace. This is our first real fight and it hurts to know we could get to that place and our insecurities could bring us down. How could he think I would not want to come back from Tuscaloosa if I spent time there? It won’t be the first time I have returned since I moved, but I will be going this time feeling less confident about our relationship.
I wake
up still feeling weighted and upset. I would think a night’s sleep would help my mood but it didn’t. I see a bunch of missed calls and text messages from Parker when I check the time on my phone. God, did he even sleep? I check the texts first and then listen to the voicemails. His voice sounds sorry and desperate to talk to me.
Parker: Baby, I’m sorry. Please call me. Don’t let this ruin us.
That was the last text I received from him. Stupid man that I love. I scroll for his name and call him.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” I whisper. “I got your messages and texts.”
“Were you ignoring me?”
“Yes. I went to sleep. I needed to take a step back before I said something I would regret. I love you, Parker. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t put up with this bullshit and you know that.”
“I know. I love you, too. You know I have had my share of shitty luck, but you come first. I don’t want this job to come between us. You know I was damn happy coaching in Alabama. If what you want is to move back there, we’ll do it, together. But we make these decisions as a couple, not separate. I know that’s what you’ve been trying to do with the bakery. I’m sorry, babe. I want you to be happy.”
“I’m happy with you, but if this is how it’s going to be, I can’t do it. I need to know you’re around. I’m not selfish and I don’t doubt you, but I need more than a short conversation twice a week.” I am not that kind of possessive girlfriend that calls every twenty minutes. I understand he is busy, but we can’t base our relationship on talking for ten minutes twice a week and the rare text messages like we have the past two weeks.
I need to know he’ll be there when I need to make important decisions. I also need to know that if our relationship progresses into the future, I can count on him as a husband and father if we ever decide to have children.
“I know. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be and I know I’m to blame for that. I’ve gotten caught up in the game and not kept my promise to love you forever. I do love you. That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just… I know I have been unreachable because of my responsibilities. That changes now. Without you, this job isn’t worth it. I’ll be back in two weeks. Yes, it will be the beginning of the season, but I’ll be around more. I just really miss you and I can’t stand the thought of you walking out because of this. Don’t…Please.”
“I’m not walking out. I am going to Tuscaloosa, though. I need to check on the bakery, visit my grandmother, and it will be good for me to do something other than stress about the perfect location here and what I’m not accomplishing.”
“Okay, I get that. You’ll be back by the time I return?”
“Yes,” I sigh knowing damn well I will be back in Georgia waiting for him. I miss him desperately. I know this is just the beginning of what’s to come, but we need to find a balance so it could work.
“Will you come to opening day?”
“And miss you being all professional and authoritative in your new position? Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Hmmm…” Parker sighs and laughs at the same time. “Okay. Talk to me. What’s going on?”
“Well, I found a place I kinda like. Okay, maybe love. I’m hesitant though because it is in Roswell and it’s more difficult to manage from here. It would be long hours in the beginning and a longer commute. We already have this distance between us. It will be harder if I’m working twenty miles away, too.”
“What if we move to Roswell or Sandy Springs?”
“You still work in Atlanta. What about your commute?”
“It will work out. We can think about it and take our time to find the perfect spot. First, I want you to be happy and following your dream as well. Roswell is a shorter commute than Alabama.”
“Very true.” Our conversation flows effortlessly, like it has since the beginning of our relationship. This bump in the road still leaves me uneasy, but I am happy we have taken the time to talk this morning. Only two weeks until he returns. I’m going to keep repeating that like a blessed mantra.
I know taking time to go to Tuscaloosa will help me personally. I can see Beth and hang out with Jake in Southern. I’ll spend time with my grandmother also. I miss my hangouts and my life there. This has been a change for me and it hasn’t been easy, regardless of having Emily near. She has her job to take care of and her relationship with Wes is continuing to grow. I have always been independent, and I won’t become a wimp now at twenty-eight.
After talking to Parker, I get dressed and head over to his apartment to grab the mail. He had to get ready for practice and I went as part of my daily routine of nothing. Okay, not nothing.
I hadn’t gone to check his mail or apartment in a few days and thought I’d do that today. I can also make some time for what I love and take a walk through one of the trails in North Atlanta. I could use the time outdoors. Tomorrow I’ll head out to Tuscaloosa for the rest of the week. It will be nice to spend time with my grandmother and see Jake. We have barely spoken since I moved and the times I am in town, I see him for an hour or so before heading home. Making it into Southern, to basically say hi and bye.
Once in Parker’s apartment, his smell still lingers in the space, slowly fading. I go into his bedroom and look at the photo of us he has on his bedside table and admire our happy smiles looking back at me. It reminds me of how much I care about him and how perfect we really are together, a reassurance I needed today. I walk into his closet, fishing out his old Bulldogs sweatshirt and put it on, taking it with me. I want something of his with me, to keep me warm, and what better than his university sweater. I inhale his scent impregnated in the fabric and feel at home. Two more weeks, I repeat my mantra. Two more weeks. We can do this.
“Well, hello there stranger,” Jake says as I sit on the stool at the bar in Southern.
“Hello to you, too.” I smile at my friend, grateful to see him and to be in familiar company.
“How’s Atlanta treatin’ you?”
“Good,” I shrug.
“That’s convincing.” Jake places a beer in front of me. I take a sip and let it soothe me.
“Parker’s been gone a few weeks for spring training and it hasn’t been the easiest of times for us.”
Jake nods in understanding. “It’s just some trials and tribulations. I’m sure you guys will get through it. I know he’s crazy about you. I remember the first time he saw you.” Jake smiles.
“I know it’s testing our strength, but it sucks. You know me, Jake, but I’m tired of having a relationship with his voicemail. We spoke about it and have been in a better place, but it’s difficult. I still wonder if it will be this way every time he goes out of town for training or games. I pushed him to follow his dream, but maybe I should have taken myself out of the equation.”
“Sav, he would be miserable without you. As your friend I need to tell you that you’ve done the right thing by following your heart. You would be miserable, too. Imagine your life without him, and me having to deal with you,” he teases.
I try. I really do, but I come up empty handed. I know that regardless of how difficult this may be, Parker is a part of me. I just hope we’re strong enough to continue moving forward. We’re too early in our relationship to lose this communication.
As if on cue, my phone rings. Jake smiles, familiar with Parker’s ringtone, and I answer.
“Hey!”
“Hi, baby. How are you?”
“Good. I’m at Southern with Jake.” Jake motions to me and I add, “He says hi.”
“Tell him I say hey,” Parker laughs. “Are you having fun back home?”
“Yeah. It’s been nice going into the bakery and cooking. I miss you, though. They’ve been playing awesome songs all night and I don’t have my dancing partner.”
“Soon you’ll have me all to yourself.”
I squirm inconspicuously and smile. “You bet. How was practice?”
“Good. Call me when you leave and we’ll talk.”
“Okay. By
e, love.”
“Bye.”
I hang up and can’t deny the smile adorning my face.
“You can’t lie to me. You love him,” Jake teases, taking in my good mood.
“Oh, shush!” I throw a crumbled napkin at him and he throws his head back laughing, heading to a customer waving him down.
With Jake busy with customers and knowing Parker is waiting for my phone call, I call it an early night and head back to my grandmother’s house. I walk quietly to my old room and settle on the bed. Once in my PJs, I dial Parker’s number.
“Hey,” his groggy voice answers the phone.
“Are you sleeping?”
“No…I’m up.” I hear shuffling and sheets moving.
I laugh at his attempt to lie. “We can talk tomorrow.”
“I’m awake,” he says right before he yawns.
“Yeah right!” I giggle. “Call me in the morning.”
“I miss you. I know I’ll be back in a week and a half, but I miss you…a lot. I feel like an asshole telling you this.” My heart stops. Telling me what?
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m just tired of not seeing your beautiful face and feeling you in my arms. I know this has been a test for us, but I want you to know you aren’t the only one going through it. This is my career and it’s not fair for you to suffer because of it. I want you happy. I want to make you happy.”
I settle back on the bed. “You do, Parker. I’m not going to lie to you. We’ve always been honest with each other. I have doubted my decision about moving. I have wondered if I should have moved or just stayed where I was, but I also can’t picture my life without you in it. You didn’t ask me to move. You didn’t force me to pick, same as I didn’t force you to choose your job or me. On the contrary. I think the fact that we’ve both done things because we’ve wanted to makes us stronger than we think. When I wonder if I made the right choice, I think about you and the person I am with you. I love what we have and I love you. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Just don’t ignore my calls again or you’ll be punished.” I try to lessen my honesty with a tease.
Sweet on Wilde Page 26
