Vow of Atonement

by Emma Renshaw

  My mouth drops open, and I glance over at Gabe. His eyes are full of heat, staring at Val. I’ll never understand their relationship.

  Roman introduces Kiernan to everyone when James and Hudson walk over to our little group. I wave at Savannah and Liam’s parents and chuckle as I watch Olivia, Liam’s sister, chase after her little girl.

  “Thanks for coming, y’all. We’re so happy you’re here to celebrate our new lake house with us.” I turn back toward the front when Savannah starts speaking. A huge grin takes over her face before she utters her next words. “We’re hoping since y’all are here, you’re willing to celebrate something else with us, too.”

  “You’re pregnant,” Valerie calls out, shrieking. “Oh, my God! I’m going to be an aunt!”

  Everyone in the room gasps and starts talking excitedly.

  “No, I’m not pregnant,” Savannah says, laughing.

  Liam pulls Savannah closer to him. “At least not yet,” he says, looking down at her with so much love in his eyes.

  “We’re getting married,” Savannah shrieks.

  She has the biggest grin on her face as the room is silent, waiting for what else she has to say. They’ve been engaged for a while now.

  “Right now,” Liam finishes sounding insanely proud. “Well, in about thirty minutes.”

  “What?” Valerie yells.

  Savannah laughs, kissing Liam. “I’ll see you at the altar.”

  They both walk over to us. Valerie and I are staring at her with our mouths hanging out.

  “Wh–what about—” I stop. “I don’t even know where to begin with my questions!”

  “Come on,” Savannah says. “I’ll tell y’all everything. Help me get ready. Olivia, come with us.”

  “Whiskey and cigars, boys?” Liam asks, unable to wipe the grin from his face.

  I start to follow Savannah, but Roman smacks my ass. I turn toward him, glaring at him.

  “Kiss,” he demands.

  I try to hide my smile as I step up to him, kissing him firmly on the lips, letting my tongue trace along his lip for just one second before I follow the girls into the other room, tingling all over my body.

  Valerie and I immediately launch into questions as Savannah sits down at a vanity in the master bedroom.

  “Tell us everything,” Olivia says. “We had plans to go look at flowers next week!”

  Savannah sighs dreamily, resting her chin in her hand. “Last week when we closed, we came out here, and watched the sunset. I said it is the perfect place. He told me he couldn’t wait for a little girl who looks just like to me to be running around in the yard as all of our family and friends were here.”

  With a chorus of aww from all of us, Savannah smiles and continues. “I didn’t want to wait another second to marry him. This is our perfect little slice of heaven. You know we love Austin, but this isn’t far from the city, and it’s gorgeous out here. It’s close enough to commute for work. James’ land isn’t far from here. It’s not as trafficky. We might live out here full time.”

  “What?” I ask, stunned. I never thought they’d move out of the city. She’s right—it’s not far at all.

  “That’s a conversation for another day,” she says waving her hand. “We talked about our wedding and how stressful those can be. Everyone we love most in the world is here. That’s all we want. I need him to be at the altar when I walk down the aisle, that’s it. So, we decided to get married, right here, on our little slice of heaven.”

  I sniffle, so happy for my friends. “That’s perfect. Do you have a dress? I could have gotten something for you.”

  “I do. It’s perfect. After we decided to get married here, we went shopping the next day in town. I found this amazing little vintage shop you would die over, Harp. There it was. The perfect dress, hanging on a mannequin. Let me go put it on.”

  A minute later, Savannah walks out of the closet wearing a beautiful white gown with a lowcut scoop neckline. It fits her body perfectly, showing off every single one of her curves. It’s light enough to be the right dress for this event. She spins around, showing the back where it dips into a low scoop, just above her butt. Her dark curls are pulled to one side. She looks glamorous.

  She leans over the vanity and applies red lipstick, and her emerald green eyes sparkle.

  All three of us are breathless, watching her. She’s been to hell and back and now she’s about to walk down the aisle and marry the man of her dreams, who stood by her and helped her save herself. She’s the strongest person I know and deserves this beautiful night.

  Savannah’s mom pops into the room. “We’re ready, honey. You look beautiful.”

  “She knew?” Valerie asks. “I’m your best friend!”

  “She’s my mom,” Savannah replies, laughing. “We told our parents earlier today.”

  “Hey! I’m the sister and future sister-in-law!” Olivia says.

  Savannah shrugs. “I knew you’d enjoy the spontaneity and the surprise.”

  Olivia grumbles. “You’re right.”

  “Dad’s waiting to walk you down the aisle,” Savannah’s mom, Ashley, says.

  “Let’s do this!” Savannah rushes out the bedroom door. “I can’t wait to marry my man.”

  The backyard has been quickly transformed into the perfect wedding venue with chairs facing the water and an arch with flowers now displayed. Caterers mill around inside, and a photographer is setting up her camera. Savannah stops at the end of the hallway. “See you ladies after.”

  We all walk outside, taking seats. I sit next to Roman, taking it all in. Liam stands up at the front under the arch, looking proud and excited with an officiant at his side. Music plays and we rise, turning toward the back of house, watching Savannah make her entrance with her father. I rotate to face Liam when Savannah descends the steps of the deck. His mouth is open with his hand on his chest, stunned by her beauty. His eyes are glassy as he watches her walk toward him to commit to a life together forever.

  I spin to face Roman and find him watching me with a wistful expression on his face. The air whooshes from my lungs as I stare into his eyes and see more than I’m ready to see. He’s leaving. I have to remind myself of this as my feelings bang against the box they’re locked in. I can’t let myself fall. It would hurt worse this time.

  Our eyes are still locked as we take our seats again. I’m barely able to rip my eyes away from him to watch two of my closest friends get married, and let my tears flow during the entire ceremony. I cry for my friend getting her happily ever after. I cry for my friend who endured torture to get here. I cry for me. For all the dreams and plans I had with Roman. The dreams and plans that will never happen.

  27

  Harper

  The deck has been transformed into a reception area with tables along the edges while the center is a make-shift dance floor. Liam and Savannah are dancing under the stars, gazing at each other with goofy smiles on their faces.

  “Want another glass of wine?” Roman asks, his lips grazing the shell of my ear.

  “Yes, please,” I respond without taking my eyes off of the newlyweds.

  Roman kisses my shoulder before getting up to walk inside to the bar. Kiernan surprises me when he sits down in Roman’s empty chair.

  “They’re a good couple,” he says, gesturing toward Liam and Savannah.

  I nod, watching them wistfully.

  “Want to dance?” Kiernan asks, standing and holding out his hand toward me.

  I smile, wondering if I could get Roman out here later. He danced with me in the kitchen, but he’s never been one to dance in public. “Sure.”

  I take Kiernan’s hand, allowing him to lead me to the floor. The song playing is soft and slow, singing about a lost love and a yearning to have it back. I swallow past the lump in my throat, thinking it’s fitting for my situation with Roman.

  “You and Rome are a good couple, too,” Kiernan says looking down at me.

  I shake my head. “No, we’re not a couple.�
��

  He rolls his eyes. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

  “We’re just having fun. No feelings, no strings.”

  “If you think that surly bastard doesn’t have feelings for you, you’re delusional. He’s never lost track of you. I’ve been hearing about you since I met him. He was crushed when he broke up with you.”

  “That’s not true. He moved on pretty quickly.”

  Kiernan stops moving, looking down at me with a frown on his face. “I should apologize for that. That girl was my fault. Rome told me about it. I don’t even remember her name but I do remember her. She had it bad for Roman, pretty sure she was using me to get to him, but I was a stupid kid and she was an easy lay.”

  I curl my lip in disgust. Kiernan laughs. “I’m a better man now, promise.” He takes his hand from mine, making a cross over his heart before wrapping it around mine again.

  “One night when she was over, sleeping in my bed, Roman was drunk, telling me about you, how much he loved you and missed you. How he thought he made the right decision but wondered if he fucked up by leaving you.”

  My throat clogs as tears start swimming in my eyes. “Roman would never say anything bad about you. Never. He’s already beat my ass for even talking to that girl ten years ago. I never would have told her what he said about you, I’m betting she was listening. The last time I saw her was right before she put her plans in motion to seduce Roman. I think it was the same day you came by.”

  “Thanks for telling me.” I give Kiernan a hug, completely grateful the weight of that night has been lifted from my shoulders. I lean back looking up at him. “It doesn’t change anything, though. He still broke up with me. He still utterly destroyed me. I stopped loving him.”

  “You’re not very good at lying.”

  I ignore his comment, instead focusing on the next issue. “He lives in Tennessee and I live here. Rafael hasn’t shown up in weeks, it’s been quiet, I think y’all will be heading home pretty soon.”

  “I don’t think he considers himself a Tennessee resident anymore.”

  Before I can ask him another question, Roman steps up, placing his hand on Kiernan’s shoulder, and squeezes so hard I can see his knuckles turning white. Kiernan smirks and winks at me as he gives my hands to Roman. Before Kiernan walks off the dance floor, he stops at my side and whispers in my ear. “He’s got it bad, Harp. He never stopped loving you.”

  He

  Never

  Stopped

  Loving

  You.

  I can’t believe it. He left. It was hard when Roman first left, but we could have made it work. I’ve heard his excuses, but I can’t wrap my mind around them. Roman and I could’ve conquered the world together. We would’ve found a way.

  Roman pulls me tightly into his arms as Kiernan’s declaration repeats in my mind. He never stopped loving you. Roman holds me tightly through the next two songs; neither of us says a word through either.

  When the third song starts, he opens his mouth. “What did he tell you?”

  He told me that you love me. You never stopped loving me. “He apologized for that girl.”

  Roman grunts. “Bout time. Fuckin’ ass.”

  “It’s not his fault, Roman.”

  “He brought her to our place. It’s his fault.”

  “It’s not his fault she said those things. He didn’t know that would happen. He didn’t know she would lie to me.”

  He closes his eyes, shaking his head. “Fuck.” He takes a hand from my back running it through his hair. “I know. I keep wondering where we’d be if I’d seen you that day. I bet we’d be at this wedding, but we’d be married.”

  Startled, I look up at him. Throughout high school, I pictured the day I would marry Roman so many times in so many different settings. Details and locations changed, but he was the one constant. The man who’d be waiting for me at the other end. I thought I’d spend my life with him, have babies with him, but it all ended with one phone call.

  “You can’t mean that.”

  “I do mean that. If it would’ve been me answering the door that day, you’d be my wife by now.”

  Tears fill my eyes for every broken dream. “If it was that easy, why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

  He closes his eyes, bringing his forehead down to rest against mine. “I wanted to answer the phone every time you called. I almost called you so many times and not just right after, through all of these years.”

  Roman proves to me again that a destroyed heart can keep breaking. I’ve nothing left to break, but I can’t stop my question. “Why?”

  He shakes his head and stays silent for a long time. He’s not going to answer and I’m not going to push. This is supposed to be easy. A fling with really amazing sex, no feelings, no strings before he leaves again. This is supposed to be fun. This doesn’t feel fun. I try to add some pep in my tone when I point out a flaw in his plan. “If we stayed together and were married, we probably wouldn’t be here. Who knows where we’d be.”

  “We’d be here,” he states firmly.

  “How do you know?”

  “Savannah and Valerie are meant to be in your life. I’m so grateful you have them. Even Liam, James, Gabe, and Hudson. You’re meant to be here with them. They’re your family.”

  He’s right. I clench my jaw to keep the pain in my heart in check. Roman’s always had a way of seeing straight to the point, to the real matter of an issue. They are my family. I lost so much at a young age, but these friends have given me a happiness I didn’t know I’d have again. I can’t imagine my life without them.

  Roman tilts his head toward Liam and Savannah. “They look good together.”

  I smile, looking over at them then back to Roman. “Yeah, they do. They deserve this. It’s a perfect night. They went through so much just to get here.”

  “We would be married,” Roman states one more time, making me fall silent, unsure of what to say or how to continue.

  We sway to the music, not letting go of the other one. I rest my head against Roman’s chest, listening to his heart beat as we stay silent for another song. The vibrations of his chest make their way through me before I fully register his words.

  “I bought a ring,” he says softly.

  I look into his eyes, unsure of what to say. Does he mean what I think he means?

  “An engagement ring,” he clarifies. “For you.”

  “Roman,” I start, and try to pull away, but his arms tighten around me. “No feelings, no strings. Remember?”

  “I didn’t buy it recently. I bought it when we were still together.”

  Confusion swims through me. Everything he’s saying tonight confuses me and serves a painful reminder that I wasn’t worth staying for. “I don’t understand,” I whisper, choking on the words through the sobs that I’m barely keeping at bay.

  “My first leave, I was going to come to you and ask you to marry me. I even called your dad. He knew.”

  I shake my head, refusing to believe that. My dad never told me anything like that. He knew how much I was hurting, wouldn’t he have told me that?

  “It’s true,” Roman whispers.

  “Then what happened?” I ask in an angry whisper. “How did you get from buying me a damn ring to fucking destroying my heart?”

  “Kiernan has a thing for pawn shops, it’s weird. I don’t get it but I went with him one day to a local pawn shop, just looking around as he was buying God knows what. There was this ring that reminded me of you. I saw you wearing it in my mind. It wasn’t much but it was beautiful and just right for you. Santiago gave me some money before I left to keep me afloat until I had a steady income. I spent all his money on that ring, felt so damn proud and happy to be carrying it in my pocket. I wanted to race home to you that second and put it on your finger.”

  I shake my head, still not understanding. We softly sway, barely moving on the dance floor as couples twirl around us.

  “When I got back
to base, there were three wives who’d just found out their husbands were dead. Three. It happens all too often. I sat on a bench, watching one of them break down. She reminded me of you. Beautiful woman, long legs and blonde hair and a tiny little blonde toddler hanging off her. It felt too real of a possibility. I couldn’t leave you that way. Each time I convinced myself I wouldn’t be in those numbers, that I would come home to you, I’d see another widow or a wife struggling without her husband, putting on a brave face. I know you would’ve done it, I know you’re strong like the men and women who send their loved ones off to war, but I couldn’t do it. My mind would’ve been on you living in a state that wasn’t yours waiting for me to come home.”

  He pauses, taking a deep breath, and I’m staring at a button on his shirt, processing everything he’s saying. I hate that he made a decision for me. It should’ve been mine. “I knew you’d stay, even if I told you my concerns. I would’ve put my troop and me in danger if I was only consumed with worry for you. You deserved better than waiting for someone like me. I couldn’t give you the life you deserved. I was a broke kid who spent every dime to his name on a ring. You were this beautiful princess with everything going for you. I grew up in a trailer that was falling apart and a junkie for a mom, no dad. I was nothing. A fuckin’ street rat. I had no business even looking in your direction.”

  “You’re not nothing,” I whisper. My chest aches to hear him speak that way about himself.

  “Not now,” he says. “I made something of myself, but then? Back then, I was nothing. Fuck. Some days I still feel like that piece of trash kid. Every time I touch you, my mind screams that I’m not worthy of it, that I’ll taint something as beautiful as you.”

  “That’s not true,” I insist angrily. “You have always been something. You were everything to me.”

  “I didn’t deserve it.”

  “We’ll never agree about this,” I say. “You hurt me more than you can imagine.”

  “I know. I hate myself for it.”

  “Don’t. Don’t say that. I think it’s time I should forgive you.”