She felt Devin giving in to her. She felt empowered by the control she knew she could have over him. He would do this for her. He loved her that much. No one had ever loved her like Devin.
“I love you, Tracy,” he spoke softly, making her desire for him increase all the more.
“But,” he said, slowly pushing himself away from her, “I love you more than this.”
An uncomfortable and unwelcome feeling of rejection seized her mind and heart. “Devin, don’t,” she whispered desperately. “Don’t leave me right now. I need you.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “I’m still right here. I’ll be back in the morning, and we can have the whole day together.”
She dropped her eyes. A horrible pain swept through her. He doesn’t want me! My breasts are too small, and my tummy is too flabby. I’m a waste of his time just like I was to Zach. He doesn’t want me! I’m losing him!
Devin lifted her chin and kissed her forehead.
“I love you, sweetheart. See you tomorrow.”
And with that he was gone.
CHAPTER SIX
Devin entered his condo and sighed. What a night this had turned out to be. Intense anger, followed by unequivocal joy at placing the ring on Tracy’s hand, and then incredible temptation to comfort Tracy in the way she wanted him to. Nothing short of Jesus’ strength had gotten him out of there.
He scrounged around in the kitchen and found some food to make a suitable dinner. Settling himself on the couch, he flipped on the television and found a late-night talk show to keep his mind off of Tracy. All the way home he could feel her soft skin underneath his fingertips and her warm lips on his own.
Before crawling into bed, he decided to call her. He knew without a doubt he had done the right thing, but he also knew Tracy wasn’t happy about it. He had often found her desirable, but he had never known her to be so vulnerable--a very bad combination. He needed to make sure she was all right and assure her he would be back in the morning.
He tried her cell phone but only got her voice mail. He left a message, hoping she would listen to it if she was still awake but wasn’t answering because she was mad at him. He knew that was a possibility, but he wanted to make sure she understood something.
“Hi, it’s me,” he said. “I love you so much, Tracy. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re going to be my wife. I do long for you, and I hated to leave you tonight, but I did it for both of us. We’ll never regret waiting, baby. I promise.
“I’ll be over around ten tomorrow--let you sleep in a bit. I want to take you out for a nice lunch and celebrate being engaged to you. I hope you’re as happy about that as I am. Good night, or good morning if you were already asleep when I called. See you soon.”
***
Tracy listened to the message Devin had left, and she began to sob. What had she almost done? What had she almost made Devin do? What was the matter with her? She had the perfect man ask her to marry him tonight, to comfort her when she needed him, and she had acted shamefully.
I don’t deserve him, God. When I asked you to bring him back to me, I never thought you actually would, and now that he’s here and has asked me to be his wife, I still can’t believe it. Thank you for helping Devin to be strong tonight. How could I have been so close to making the same mistake again? Please protect me from myself.
In the morning she got out of bed early enough to shower and be ready by the time Devin arrived. And she never enjoyed the sight of him more. He made no mention of the previous evening, except relating to the fact that they were now engaged.
“Let’s celebrate today--the whole day,” he said. “Anything you want to do, wherever you want to go, I’m there with you.”
Considering the cold weather, their options were limited, and coming back here after lunch would probably be a bad idea. “I wonder if Lily and Peter are busy today,” she said. “Would you mind doing something with them, or did you want it to just be the two of us?”
“Whatever you want.”
“I feel like being around a newly married couple today,” she said. “Even more than usual.”
She called and caught them at home. They didn’t have any specific plans for the day and agreed to meet them after lunch. After hanging up with Lily, she decided to call her parents and tell them officially about her engagement and see what some possible dates for the wedding would be.
She wrote down some dates in July that would work for them. August was out because her parents were going to Canada and Alaska, and June would be too cold for an outdoor wedding, something she had always wanted. After calling Devin’s parents also, they had it down to the second or third weekend in July.
“Please don’t let me stress about this,” she said, letting Devin hold her in his arms. “I want the next six months to be some of the best months of my life, not the worst.”
“They will be,” he said.
She hoped he was right.
***
For the most part the next four months were a mixture of bliss and ordinary life. Some days Tracy wanted to be married to Devin already, and others she welcomed the remaining days of their engagement.
In April they went on a retreat with some other single people from her church. The day before they left, she and Devin had a huge fight--the first one since getting back together. It was her fault. She told Devin she would be home right after work but then decided to run a little errand that turned into a bigger task than she thought.
She came home forty-five minutes late to find him sitting outside her building. He was worried. He hadn’t been able to reach her because her cell phone battery was dead, something he repeatedly got after her about.
“We’re not married yet,” she spouted defensively.
He didn’t like her insinuation. “I’m fine with you being an hour late, Trace, as long as I know so I won’t be worried.”
“It’s only six!” Okay, six-ten. “I’m never home before five-thirty.” Or five-twenty. “I’m not an hour late!”
He didn’t reply and followed her into the apartment, closing the door behind him without speaking another word. She hated it when he went silent on her.
“And I was taking care of something for our wedding,” she pushed further. “Like you know what any of that’s about. Have you even called the tux place yet and decided on something?”
She left the room in a huff, retreating to her bedroom where she could take out her anger on her cluttered closet. By the time she emerged wearing something suitable for going to the symphony with Devin’s parents, that she now would have to forgo dinner to attend, she didn’t feel any better. She didn’t want to go.
She found him waiting for her in the living room. He had flipped on the television but didn’t appear to be watching it. Not wanting to get into anything else or discuss what had happened, she grabbed her purse and headed for the door.
He didn’t follow her. She turned around with her hand on the doorknob. “Are you coming?” she asked. “We’re already late.”
He didn’t move.
She opened the door and walked out. Her heart was pounding by the time she reached the front steps. What if he doesn’t come down? What am I supposed to do? I’m not going back up there! I’m not, Devin Taylor! You got that?”
She walked to his car parked along the street and waited. Eventually he came out and opened the door for her. She slipped inside and decided to let it all go. She wasn’t going to say another word--all evening if necessary.
He got inside but didn’t start the car. She refused to look at him, even when she could feel his eyes on her.
“Tracy?” he spoke softly.
She kept her eyes fixed on the van parked in front of them.
He tried again, this time placing his fingers on her cheek and turning her face toward him. She kept her eyes from meeting his.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. Please forgive me.”
Now what did he have to go and do that for?
“I don�
��t feel much like going, and we haven’t had a chance to eat. How about if I call Mom and Dad and cancel for tonight?”
She glanced at him, feeling both ashamed at her behavior and grateful for his forgiveness and understanding. “I’d like that,” she said, and then added, “And I should be apologizing, not you--”
He silenced her with a gentle kiss. “I’ll get you a new phone. That one doesn’t have enough battery-life. I’ve been meaning to do it for weeks.”
“We’re not married yet,” she teased him. “I can get my own new phone.”
He smiled. “I’ll get you one,” he said, kissing her again and lingering for a long time. “If I’m going to be taking care of you for the rest of my life, I may as well get started now.”
She soaked up his love and sweet affection. “You already take good care of me, Devin. You always have.”
The following afternoon they drove to the beach to join the group for the weekend retreat. Tracy welcomed the chance to get away from everyday life for a couple of days, especially with Devin to share it with.
Several things happened over the next two days to help her enjoy the remaining three months before the wedding. On the first night their group leader talked about seeking Jesus with a passion similar to the way we seek after someone to share our life with.
“We don’t rest until we find them. And then when we do, we want to be with them all the time. Not once a week, or for ten minutes at the end of the day, but every day--for as much time as possible.”
Tracy felt like she had started to develop that kind of hunger for God during the months before she and Devin had started seeing each other again. She’d been attending the Bible study at Lily’s and had been very diligent about doing her lesson each week and writing in her prayer journal.
For the first time in her life God had become something more to her than someone she only went to when she really needed Him. And it had been that kind of relationship with Him that had led her back to Devin in the first place. But since then, she had become increasingly lazy. She still attended the Bible study each week, but not with the eagerness and joy she once had. And she had become too dependent on Devin for her emotional stability as a result of neglecting her relationship with Jesus.
The following afternoon she went shopping with some of the other girls while Devin remained behind to play some football with the guys. She found a nice journal in one shop and picked it up along with a packet of colorful three-by-five index cards. She liked to write verses on the cards and post them around her apartment as reminders of what God had been teaching her. She wanted to get into that habit again.
That evening Ted’s message spoke deeply to her heart once again, and she asked Devin to go for a walk with her afterwards so she could share her thoughts with him. She knew he would be happy to listen. He never preached at her or tried to tell her what her relationship with God should be like, but he talked about how God was working in his life all the time, making her want that for herself and yet feeling like she could never be as close to God as he was.
“I owe you an apology, Devin,” she said. “I’ve been expecting you to meet all of my emotional needs instead of depending on God more. That’s not fair to you.”
He pulled her close to his side and kept walking.
“Are you sure I’m the woman you’re meant to share your life with?”
“Yes,” he spoke without hesitation. After a slight pause he asked her if she felt the same way about him.
“Yes, I do, Devin. I think I’ve known it for a long time, even before we got back together.”
They walked a bit more and then she asked him something else. “Would it be all right if I started going to your church with you now instead of waiting until after we’re married?”
“Sure.”
“Could I teach Sunday school with you?”
He laughed pleasantly. “I’d love that.”
“Really?”
He stopped walking and turned to face her. “If that’s where you think God wants you.”
“I do,” she replied, envisioning herself teaching children about Jesus with Devin. “I feel like God laid that calling on my heart tonight. He said, ‘Be Mine, Tracy, and teach children to be Mine too.’ I’ve never heard Him so clearly before.”
Devin smiled and kissed her tenderly. “I’m glad we came here this weekend. God said something to me tonight too.”
“What?”
“Sometimes I get caught up in doing stuff for God, things that He doesn’t even ask me to do. It makes me weary and I get frustrated when I feel like I’m not doing enough or not doing things the right way, you know?”
She nodded. “I know exactly what you mean.”
“Well tonight I heard Him say, ‘Stop! Just stop, Devin. Stop trying to earn my love.’ Like that verse: ‘Be still and know that I am God.’”
“Does that mean you’re going to stop teaching Sunday school?” she asked, feeling a little confused. How could God be telling them things that contradicted each other?
“No. I know He’s called me to do that, and I teach because I love it, not out of a sense of duty. But there have been some other things that I’ve tried to put my oar into, and He doesn’t even want me in the boat! So, during the prayer time, I let it all go and then asked God to show me what He wants me to do, and I promised I wouldn’t move until He moves me. And you know what He said?”
“What?” she asked, mirroring Devin’s smile.
He kissed her again, slowly and tenderly. And somehow it felt different. She wasn’t sure how or why, but she got the distinct feeling whatever God had told Devin had something to do with her.
“He said, ‘Just love her. Love Tracy with everything you have. That’s My assignment for you right now. Everything else around you--I’ve got it covered. But Tracy: she’s all for you.”
Tracy felt tears stinging her eyes. She’d always thought of Devin’s love for her and God’s love as two separate things. But she suddenly realized God was very much a part of Devin’s love for her. Her future husband’s love was an expression of God’s love.
“And what did you tell Him?” she asked, laughing through her tears.
“I said, ‘Yes, Lord. Whatever You say!’”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Tracy could not have asked for a more perfect day to get married. Clear blue skies, a comfortably warm temperature, mild breezes that floated around her as she walked from the front door of the country church to the front lawn where Devin waited for her. Many friends and family members had come to share the special day with them, and she felt so happy and blessed.
The ceremony was simple, yet rich in love and sincerity. Tracy had no doubts about marrying Devin. She held fond memories of their courtship time, but she had become anxious in the last few weeks to take this man as her husband and move on to a new phase of life.
Following the ceremony and a dinner reception put on by their families, Devin surprised her with a limousine ride into the city where they were catching a late flight to their honeymoon destination: Paris. They flew all night and arrived in the City of Lights the following evening Paris time. Taking a taxi to their hotel, they were both starving and ate a delicious and filling meal at a quaint outdoor bistro down the street.
Laying her napkin aside and taking a moment to breathe in the mild evening air of her romantic surroundings, Tracy watched her husband finish his meal and gently rubbed his bare calf with her sandaled foot. He lifted his eyes to hers and smiled. She smiled in return.
Devin laid his fork aside and moved his chair around the small table to sit beside her. Without speaking a word, he slowly leaned toward her and kissed her like it was the first time he had ever done so.
“You still take my breath away,” she said.
“There’s a lot more where that came from, Mrs. Taylor.” He kissed her again. “I believe we have a more private spot waiting for us where we can continue this.”
Leaving the eating area, they walked hand in han
d back to the hotel, took the elevator to the sixth floor, and stepped inside their room. Devin kissed her immediately, and she felt incredibly anxious to be with him tonight. It had been six years since she had first met him at a Fourth-of-July picnic sponsored by his church that she’d gone to with some friends.
She could still remember the moment their eyes had met across the potluck food table as they went through the line, filling up their plates. They had both reached for the pasta-salad spoon at the same time.
“I’m sorry it’s taken us so long to get here,” she said. “Thank you for being so patient with me, Devin. And, for waiting for me.”
She wished she could hear him say the same to her, but she had promised him she wouldn’t let her past mistakes keep her from enjoying tonight. Her regret had already caused enough pain and tears. It was time to move on. And even though this wouldn’t be her first time, it would be the first time with Devin; with a man she truly loved who loved her in return.
He offered to draw her a hot bath, and she accepted. After the long flight and lack of good sleep, she needed one. He left her alone to enjoy it, and she did. She was amazed by how content she felt. In some ways she felt like they’d already been married for quite some time. Yesterday seemed like a long time ago, but she knew it had been less than twenty-four hours since they had exchanged vows and been pronounced husband and wife.
Just when she began to think she better get out of the warm water before she dozed off, she heard Devin tap lightly on the door and ask if she was awake. She told him she was getting out and would be there in a few minutes. Lifting her body out of the mound of bubbles and warm water, she dried herself off, put on one of the white hotel robes hanging on the wall, and let down her hair.
Combing out her blonde strands, washing her face, and brushing her teeth, she tried to calm her nerves and remind herself whom she would be spending this night with: Devin. Her best friend. Her husband. The one God had designed her for. She could be nervous. She could be a little anxious. She could wonder what being with him would be like. But she didn’t need to be scared.
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