“What’s wrong, Trace?”
She didn’t reply.
“I’d ask you again, but I’m afraid you’ll bite my head off.”
“I’m sorry, Devin,” she said, taking a deep breath. “I don’t mean to spoil our day.”
She didn’t speak further. He silently prayed for God to help him speak to his wife in the right way and for Tracy to open up to him.
“Is this the same thing that’s been bothering you for the last six weeks, or something new?”
Her eyes darted back to him. “Nothing has been bothering me.”
“Tracy.”
She looked away.
“Please tell me. Have I done something?”
She sighed and tried to step away. He gently grabbed her arm and drew her back. She started crying.
He waited for her to step into his arms, and when she did, he held her tight. Spotting a large group on a tour coming around the corner, he gently led her back through the cave and away from the main exhibit area. Finding a bench to sit on well away from any crowds, he pulled her beside him and held her close until she started talking.
“I don’t know if I want to be a mom,” she said.
He took a moment to let that sink in. Her statement surprised him for two reasons: One, he had always assumed she wanted children. He had understood when she told him she wanted to wait, but he never suspected she might not want a baby at all.
And two, he didn’t know how this could be upsetting her this much. He didn’t think he had talked excessively about wanting to have a family or pressured her in any way, but perhaps simply bringing it up on their anniversary had been too much for her. He hadn’t given it a second-thought at the time.
CHAPTER NINE
“I’m sorry, Devin. I know I should have told you this before we were married, but I honestly didn’t expect to feel this way once the reality of being a mom was a possibility. I didn’t really think about it before.”
Devin lightly stroked her hair. She couldn’t believe she was actually telling him this. She had been praying like mad over the last few weeks, asking God to change her heart, to give her the desire to be a mother, but it hadn’t happened.
“What scares you?” he asked.
“Everything! Pregnancy, labor, taking care of something so tiny, keeping up with a toddler with another one in my bulging stomach, having them grow up, being the mother of teenagers. I don’t know how my mom ever raised four of us. And now my sister is following in her footsteps like Super Woman. I’m not like them! And I don’t think I ever will be.”
She cried softly into his shoulder. How could she be disappointing him like this? How would he forgive her for not wanting to give him children? He had waited so long for her, and this is how she repaid him?
“I’m sorry,” she said, feeling like she had no right to cling to him, but unable to do otherwise.
“Shh,” he replied, continuing to stroke her hair and hold her close. “I’m in no hurry, sweetheart. When I said I wanted us to start trying soon, it was only a suggestion. We can wait.”
“But what if I’m never ready?”
He didn’t speak for several moments. She wondered if his eyes were glistening with moisture. She couldn’t look up to find out. That would be too much to bear. She began to have crazy thoughts about offering him a divorce. He deserved better than this.
“You know,” he finally said. “I seem to remember a time when you were afraid of getting married. So afraid that you refused my proposal and I lost you.”
His words seemed trivial at first. It wasn’t the same thing.
“You used to be afraid of getting too close to me. But now you’re afraid of anything coming between us.”
Keep talking, Devin. I need you to help me sort this out.
“I remember what you said to me? Do you?”
“When?” she asked, daring to sit up and look into his soft blue eyes.
“When you turned me down. You said, ‘Marriage is such a big commitment. I don’t think I can handle it. I’m sorry, Devin, but I’m not ready to get married, and I don’t know if I ever will be.’”
She allowed a tiny smile to emerge.
“I’m scared too, Trace. Parenting is a big commitment. It’s a huge, life-changing commitment. But you won’t be alone. I won’t be alone. We’ll do it together.”
“Will you change diapers?” she asked.
He laughed. “Yes.”
“Will you get up in the middle of the night?”
“Yes.”
“Will you talk to them about sex?”
He laughed again. “We’ll help each other through that.”
She smiled and felt a little wave of peace come over her. Her fears remained to some extent, and she didn’t expect them to go away completely, but recalling how her fears concerning marriage hadn’t come close to reality, she felt her burden lifting.
“And let’s not forget we have God leading us every step of the way, babe. Giving us strength when we’re weak, wisdom when we feel inadequate, mercy when we make mistakes. He’ll use anything we face to make our marriage stronger if we trust Him. We’ve already found that to be true. The point isn’t to do everything right and have it all together; the point is to trust God with it all.”
She snuggled against his shoulder once again, realizing that she had once wanted Devin to be her husband, but now she needed him to be. She told him so.
“I need you too, sweetheart,” he replied. “And even if you decide you don’t want children, I’m not going anywhere. I said I’d love you no matter what, and I meant that. I’ll be here either way.”
She had one more concern, but she didn’t know how to phrase it. Their time together had become so precious to her. She didn’t want to lose the fun and romance in their relationship. She didn’t want them to be so busy being parents that they forgot about being in love.
“Will you still bring me flowers?” she asked.
He laughed. “Do you want me to?”
“Yes,” she said, sitting back and looking into his eyes. “I know I shouldn’t, but I need the romance, Devin. I don’t want to lose that.”
“Why shouldn’t you need romance?”
She shrugged. “It’s silly and frivolous. You can show me love in more practical ways.”
He kissed her tenderly, lingering quite a long time for being in a public place. Stopping only to look into her eyes and stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers, he gazed at her intently, reminding her of the way he had looked at her when he had placed an engagement ring on her finger. A very possessive expression that had been reinforced by his words: ‘You’re mine, Tracy.’
“There’s more to love than saying the words. I will show you my love in any way you need me to. By taking care of you and taking you out on dates; by bringing home a paycheck and bringing you flowers. Don’t ever stop letting me shower you with love, Tracy. Whatever form it takes. And if it’s been too long since I remembered to bring you flowers or whatever else you need from me, don’t be afraid to tell me so. I never want you to feel like anything less than the most special person in my life. Because you are.”
***
The following summer they went to Paris, visited Devin’s grandparents in Germany, and spent their anniversary in Venice. Devin could hardly believe he’d been married to Tracy for two years. He still felt very much in love and would marry her all over again. He told her that on the evening gondola ride they shared on their final night in Venice and presented her with a diamond necklace as an anniversary gift.
“Would you marry me all over again?” he asked, securing the clasp at the back of her neck.
She let her blonde hair fall back into place, leaned into his chest, and said what he expected to hear. “Yes, Devin. You know I would.”
“Just checking,” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her bare shoulder. “I thought maybe that was what you wanted to tell me today.”
“That I regret marrying you?”
she laughed. “No. I promise you will be very happy about what I have to tell you.”
Devin suspected what Tracy would tell him at some point this evening: that she wanted to start trying to get pregnant. He didn’t know for certain, and he would be fine with it if that wasn’t what she had been keeping him in suspense about all day. But he knew she felt better about having a baby than she had at this time last year when they had first discussed the possibility.
“When are you going to tell me?” he asked. “Before I take you to bed tonight, or after?”
She turned in his arms and let him kiss her tenderly. “Before,” she whispered.
Stepping out of the gondola, they strolled back to their hotel and went to their room overlooking the city. Tracy went to take a shower and emerged from the bathroom wearing some silk pajamas he hadn’t seen before. They were a pale blue and felt soft and inviting, almost making him forget she wanted to tell him something until she reminded him.
Taking his hand, she walked across the room and sat on the edge of the bed. He sat beside her and waited for her to speak. His suspicions were confirmed by the joyful glow she had on her face. He’d never seen her like this.
“About two months ago, I made a decision,” she began. “I felt ready to start trying to get pregnant and planned to tell you that while we were here.”
He smiled but sensed she had something more to say.
“The same week I decided that, I went to the pharmacy to get a refill on my birth-control pills, but they were out of my brand and said I would have to come back the next day. I remember going home and wondering if God was trying to tell me something. I’d never had that happen before, and I couldn’t help but think it was more than a coincidence that I had decided to stop using them in another two months.
“So the next day when I should have gone to pick them up, I decided not to. I figured it would take me a few months to get pregnant anyway, and I also thought it might give me a chance to change my mind if I felt too freaked-out about the possibility.”
He pulled her into his arms and held her. “Are you sure, Trace? I don’t want you to feel like I’m rushing you.”
“I’m sure,” she replied. “I want this for both of us, and I know God does too. I don’t want to shut out the blessings He has planned.”
“I’m glad,” he whispered, kissing her ear lobe, her jaw, and her neck. Gently laying her back against the pillows, he began kissing her with no intention of stopping.
She let him for a few moments, but before he got into anything else, she stopped him with her words. “I’m not finished.”
He pulled away from her, hovering a few inches away from her face, just enough to look into her familiar blue-green eyes.
“I’m pregnant, Devin. I took a test before we came here.”
He couldn’t speak.
Her eyes darkened a bit. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I had stopped. I didn’t expect to get pregnant right away. Please don’t be mad.”
He let out a pent-up breath and laughed softly. Closing his eyes, he found his wife’s lips with ease and kissed her with all the passion and happiness he had inside. “I’m not mad, Trace. I’m thrilled. I’m speechless.”
She started crying, and he shed a few tears of his own.
“I’m going to be there. Every day and every night. I promise. Don’t be scared, baby.”
She allowed him to assure her of his promise with his physical affection, and he enjoyed the time of intimacy as much, if not more, than he always did.
***
Tracy snuggled into her husband’s side and heard him falling asleep. Running her fingers over his bare chest, she prayed in the quietness of her heart. She prayed she would be a good mother, prayed for the health and well-being of the life growing inside her, and prayed that she and Devin would continue to enjoy their marriage with the changes that would take place in adding a baby to the equation.
Falling asleep with peace in her heart, she was awakened in the early morning hours by Devin’s gentle kiss. He didn’t stop with just one. He didn’t stop with innocent morning kisses either. She couldn’t remember the last time he had wakened her at dawn to shower her body with his touch.
“I love you, Devin,” she whispered, accepting another warm kiss. “Don’t ever stop loving me. I need you.”
“I won’t,” he replied. “You’re mine and this baby is ours. I’m so blessed, Tracy. Don’t you dare ever leave me. I could survive not having children with you. But I could never survive losing you.”
“I’m yours, Devin,” she replied. “For always.”
CHAPTER TEN
Tracy’s whole body ached. She wanted to roll onto her other side, but she didn’t think it was worth the effort. Her bulging abdomen caused her discomfort and prevented her from relieving it at the same time.
But the ache wouldn’t go away nor allow her to fall back asleep, so she shifted her body precariously on the mattress, doing her best not to wake Devin. She didn’t succeed.
“You okay, babe?” he asked, rolling toward her and pressing his warm chest against her back. The change in position and his supportive frame made her feel better--for now. In another hour she would be reversing the position once again.
Devin fell asleep before she could answer. Just when she began to feel relaxed enough to drift off herself, she heard a cry coming from the room across the hall. She remained in place, hoping the sound would cease, or that Devin would hear the cries. When neither happened, she nudged him.
Devin rolled away from her and went to see what Luke needed. Their two-year-old son was teething and hadn’t slept well the last few nights.
After Devin left the room, Tracy felt another warm body snuggle up against her. She sighed. Their kindergartner still did not like to sleep in his own bed all night. She usually tried to shuffle him back to his room if he tried to climb in beside her, but Devin slept too soundly to notice the intrusion on his side.
But Seth’s warmth felt good against her back, so she didn’t mind. She fell asleep before Devin returned from comforting Luke. The bed was empty when she woke again. Her back ached terribly. She didn’t know if she could survive another two weeks of this--or more if this one was late like Luke had been.
Devin came into the room and sat down beside her before she found the energy to move from her uncomfortable position. He kissed her forehead, said the boys had eaten and were watching their favorite children’s video, and said he was heading off to work.
“Could you help me up first,” she groaned. “Otherwise you might find me still here when you come home.”
He laughed softly and kissed her cheek. “Sure. How can I help?”
“I’ll push myself up and you make sure I make it all the way.”
“Oh, this technique,” he laughed again, doing as she asked.
“It’s not funny,” she groaned and smiled at the same time. Once she was sitting up fully, she waited a moment and then allowed Devin to help her stand. She leaned against him and didn’t want him to go. Of all her experiences as a mother, these last few weeks of pregnancy always proved to be the most difficult for her.
“I’ll be back soon,” he said, sounding like he didn’t want to leave either. But he didn’t have any choice. A room full of second graders needed their teacher today like any other.
“Call Lily later,” he said. “She offered to come over any time. Take her up on it.”
She nodded and kissed him good-bye. “I’ll be all right. Say a prayer or two for me today if you think of it.”
“I always do,” he whispered.
She took a brief shower, letting the warm water soothe her back. After having a little breakfast and some warm tea that always made her feel better, she did her morning devotions, prayed for strength and peace during these final days of this pregnancy, and then called Lily as Devin had suggested.
“I’d really just like some company,” she told Lily. “Some women get post-baby blues. I get pre-baby ones.”
&nb
sp; Lily said she would be over in time to take Seth to kindergarten and then she would come back and spend the afternoon with her. Tracy hung up the phone and went to scope out the laundry situation, knowing it had been several days since she’d done any. Her and Devin’s baskets were full, but Seth and Luke’s were empty.
Devin must have put them in last night. Going to the laundry room with her basket of whites in hand, she saw stacks of the boys’ laundry folded on top of the dryer. Putting her own laundry into the washing machine, she started crying.
Oh, God. What did I ever do to deserve someone as wonderful as Devin? You knew I needed him way before I ever did. Thank you for giving me the courage and desire to marry him and raise a family with him. Give me strength in these final days and after this little one comes. I never think I’m going to be able to do it, but I always do. And I know that can only come from you.
Lily’s presence brightened her entire day. They talked about their kids and laughed at their latest antics. Lily’s youngest was the same age as Luke, and the two of them played together pretty well for two-year-old boys. Lily’s daughter, four-year-old Celeste with light red hair matching her mother’s, enjoyed free reign of Seth’s room while he was away at school.
“I don’t know why I ever bother buying her dolls or other girl toys, most of the time she plays with her big brothers’ trains and cars and Legos.”
Tracy laughed, wondering if the baby kicking her fiercely at the moment might be a girl. She found herself hoping so. A little girl would be nice, she thought. Although, she loved her boys and wouldn’t trade them for anything.
Tracy went into the nursery that they would be moving Luke out of soon and got some boxes out of the closet. Pulling out the newborn sleepers and baby outfits, Tracy was amazed at how tiny everything looked. She was thinking this would be the last baby she and Devin would have. In the beginning they had both said they wanted three. Sometimes she thought she could never handle more than two, but about a year ago God had given her the desire to have another one, and as with the other two times, she got pregnant easily--even with the limited amount of alone-time she and Devin had. Apparently they had enough.
Bring Me Flowers (Garden of Love 5) Page 6
