by Nancy Mehl
I sighed. “I can’t answer that question, Jonathon. I’m just as confused as everyone else.”
“I know what you mean. I believed we were doing the right thing until tonight. You could have been really hurt, Hope. If anything bad had happened, I would have blamed myself the rest of my life.”
“But I’m fine,” I said. “Besides, Sophie is responsible. Not you.”
“I understand what you’re saying, but I’m the one who started this whole mess. In the end, the responsibility lies with me.”
I honestly didn’t know what to tell him. Until recently, I’d been proud of the stance Mennonites took against violence, but when actually faced with its consequences, my faith had been sorely tested.
We slowly followed Sophie. A gentle breeze blew through the truck, and the scent of wild honeysuckle mixed with moisture drifted through the air. I was certain that before the night was over, we’d have rain. We rode in silence for several minutes.
“What time is Roger supposed to patrol tonight?” I asked. “It’s getting pretty dark.”
He shrugged. “I’m surprised we didn’t bump into him back there. He must be running a little late.”
I nodded, not sure Jonathon could see me in the shadows.
“So you’re mad because some people might think we’re engaged?” Jonathon asked suddenly.
“I’m worried about Papa. If he hears it, he’ll be angry. And hurt.”
Jonathon sighed. “What if he doesn’t want me in your life, Hope? Will you go against him? You’re old enough to make your own choices, you know. How long will you let your father tell you what to do?”
“I don’t know. He told me I could make my own decisions, but I still want his blessing. Not because I’m afraid of him, but because I love him.” I reached over and touched Jonathon’s arm. “If God wants us to be together, He’ll work it out. I just know it.”
“But you want to be with me, right?”
I turned my head and smiled at him. “I think I need you. You seem to be saving me all the time. Without you, I’m not sure I’d make it.”
He chuckled. “Speaking of your near-death experiences, how are you doing?” He pointed at my chest.
I gingerly pulled down my apron again. Thankfully, the stain hadn’t gotten much bigger. “I’ll live, but I sure am running through dresses. Glad I brought an extra one to Lizzie’s.”
He smiled. “You’d look beautiful no matter what you wore.”
This was the second time he’d told me I was beautiful. I felt self-conscious and warm inside, all at the same time.
“Did I embarrass you?” he said softly.
“A little.”
“I’m sorry, but you are beautiful, outside and inside.”
I turned my head and smiled in the dark interior of the truck, not wanting him to know that his compliments pleased me.
We rode quietly until we reached Sophie’s turnoff. Jonathon pulled past her and got out. Then he walked behind the truck to where Sophie sat on her horse waiting. He spoke to her briefly and then watched as she rode off. When he returned I asked him what he’d said to her.
“I told her that we both forgave her for making a mistake.”
“Good. What did she say?”
He put the truck into gear and started back down the road. “Not much. Just begged me again not to abandon the patrols.” He shook his head. “She’s obviously more concerned about being a part of something than she is about the original reason we got together. I feel sorry for her, Hope, but I don’t know what to do.”
“You know, even if you decide to stop watching the road, that doesn’t mean everyone will.”
He looked over at me. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, Roger seems pretty intent on staying put.”
He turned his head to the side. “You and Lizzie don’t like Roger much, do you? Want to tell me why?”
I filled him in on our days back at school and the way Roger treated us.
“I had no idea. Noah introduced him to me, but he didn’t give me much background.”
“You can see why Lizzie isn’t thrilled to have him around.”
Jonathon was quiet for a minute. Then he said, “Why is it we’re all worried about whether or not we have the right to defend ourselves, but we’re not concerned about unforgiveness?”
I was surprised by his statement. “I didn’t say she hadn’t forgiven him. I just meant that she doesn’t trust him completely.”
“Aren’t they the same things? Forgiveness and trust?”
“I . . . I don’t think so.” I frowned at him. “Are you trying to make a point? If so, I’m not sure I understand.”
“I don’t know,” he said, drawing his words out slowly. “I guess I’m trying to say that it isn’t always easy knowing what’s right and wrong. For the most part, we’re all trying to do our best. Roger too. And judging his actions now by something that happened when he was a child . . . Well, I’m not so sure how fair that is.”
“You might be right. Maybe Lizzie and I need to work on our attitudes. I don’t want to hold something against Roger that occurred so long ago.”
“Sophie could use some forgiveness too. What she did was stupid and careless, but it would be nice if we both show her we’ve moved past it.”
I nodded. “As long as she understands it can’t happen again.”
“I agree.”
We drove into town and Jonathon pulled up to the restaurant. “You and Lizzie have a good evening. I’m going to drive back over to Noah’s and help out for a while. Talk to him about the incident with Sophie. I also want to check with Roger.”
I reached over and grabbed his arm. “Wait a minute. Are you sure you should say anything to Noah? I know he’s your friend, but he’s also an elder. If you tell him the truth, he may be forced to take some kind of action. What Sophie did could get her into a lot of trouble. I don’t trust her father. I’ve suspected that he hits her.”
“I hadn’t considered that.” He thought for a moment. “I guess I won’t bring it up, but I don’t like hiding things from Noah.”
“It’s up to you, Jonathon. Just be aware of the consequences.”
“I don’t want to make things any tougher for Sophie. She’s been hurt so much, and I’m confident one of these days she’ll turn around.”
I smiled and squeezed his arm one more time before removing my hand. “I’m glad she has a friend like you.”
He got out of the truck, came around, and opened the door for me. “Do you want me to go in with you? I don’t want Lizzie to think I had anything to do with your . . . injury.”
I laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll make sure she knows it wasn’t your fault.”
“How are you going to explain what happened? If you mention Sophie, she might tell Noah.”
“She won’t,” I said, cutting him off. “Lizzie and I share all kinds of things that we don’t tell anyone else.”
“But this is a little different, Hope. Do you really think she’ll keep something like this from her husband?”
“I don’t know,” I said slowly. “But I can’t lie to her.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to. You do whatever you need to do. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it.” Jonathon bent down and kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll talk to you soon.” With that he got back into his truck and drove down the street toward the edge of town.
I stood there for a moment, trying to decide what to say to Lizzie. Finally I trudged up the steps and into the restaurant.
“I thought I heard Jonathon’s truck,” Lizzie said when I came in. She was sitting at a table with Charity, playing Candy Land, Charity’s favorite game.
“Mama, Hope’s hurt,” Charity said, her eyes wide. Beau, who was lying under the table, got up and came over to me, whining softly.
Lizzie stared at me, seeing the bloodstain on my apron. She jumped to her feet. “Hope, are you all right?”
I smiled. “I’m fine. Just a stupi
d accident. If you two don’t mind, I’m going upstairs so I can change my clothes.”
Lizzie came over to me to get a closer look. She lifted my apron and inspected my dress. “This looks pretty bad. How did it happen?”
I gently pushed away from her. “I told you. It was an accident. You two go ahead and play. I’ll be right back.” I hurried away before she could ask anything else, but I could feel her eyes on me as I went up the stairs. She wouldn’t let this go. I was certain of that.
When I got to the apartment, I went into the spare room, where my satchel sat on the bed. It only took me a few minutes to remove my stained clothes and put on a fresh dress. I inspected the wound. It was deeper than I thought it might be, and I knew I should clean it. I also needed to rinse out my bloody clothes with cold water so the blood wouldn’t set. Since the only water was downstairs in the bathroom or the kitchen, I bundled them all up and hurried down to the dining room.
“I need to wash these out, Lizzie,” I said. “Can I use the sink in the bathroom?”
She nodded but didn’t say anything. I went into the bathroom and rinsed out my dress, apron, and bra. I also washed the cut on my chest with soap and water. It stung when the soap touched it. I’d just pulled up my clean bra when someone knocked on the door.
“Can I come in?” Lizzie asked.
I quickly yanked up the top of my fresh dress to cover myself. Then I turned around and opened the door. Lizzie stood there with a bottle and a box of bandages.
“I want to make sure your cut is clean. Soap and water isn’t good enough. Do you want me to take care of it? If not, you need to do it yourself.”
I shook my head. “I can do it. Thanks. I appreciate it.”
She handed me a spray bottle of antiseptic cleaner and the box. Then she shot me a look that made it clear I was going to have to explain what had happened.
After I closed the door, I lowered my dress again and sprayed the liquid on my wound, having to bite my tongue to keep from crying out. Although it stung, I felt better knowing it wouldn’t get infected. As I dried my skin and applied the bandage, I thought about what Jonathon had said. How could I not tell Lizzie about Sophie? I didn’t want to get the girl in trouble, but was it right for me to ask her not to tell Noah? I’d been taught that the husband is the head of the house and asking a wife to keep secrets from her husband is wrong.
When I finally came out, Lizzie had hot chocolate and cookies ready for us. We played two games of Candy Land before Lizzie sent Charity upstairs to bed.
“But I don’t want to go to bed,” Charity whined. “Hope’s here.”
“You have school tomorrow,” Lizzie said firmly. “This is the last week. We’ll have Hope back after you’re out for the summer, but tonight, you’ve got to get to bed. I already let you stay up later than normal.”
Faced with her mother’s irrefutable argument, Charity grudgingly accepted her fate. After good-night kisses for both of us and a trip to the bathroom, she headed up the stairs. Beau got up and followed after her. It was as if he knew Charity needed him more than I did right now.
“Call me when you’re in bed, and I’ll come up and pray with you,” Lizzie called after her.
There was no response, and Lizzie grinned at me. “I can hardly wait until she’s a teenager. Should be a barrel of laughs.”
I wrinkled my forehead, and Lizzie shook her head. “A barrel of laughs means . . .” She frowned for a moment and then burst out laughing. “Oh my goodness. I have no idea where that phrase originated. It really doesn’t make any sense at all.”
We both giggled. I’d spent my school years in Washington, so although my speech wasn’t as proper and old-fashioned as Papa’s or most of the older residents of Kingdom, there were still phrases I didn’t comprehend. Lizzie had spent five years living in the world, so every once in a while she said something I’d never heard before. Usually she could explain it to me. This was the first time she hadn’t been able to.
“We may not be very modern in Kingdom,” I said, still chuckling, “but at least we know what we’re saying.”
Lizzie nodded. “You’ve got me there.” She took a sip of her cocoa, watching me over the rim of her cup. When she set it back down on the table, she cocked her head to the side and stared at me through narrowed eyes. “Okay, now give. What happened to you? How did you get hurt?”
Stalling for time, I bit into my cookie and chewed slowly. What should I do? I truly didn’t want to cause trouble for Sophie. If she had a chance of turning her life around, it would take lots of compassion and understanding.
“Is it really so bad you can’t tell me?” Lizzie asked, obviously not fooled by my hesitation. “You know I’ll keep it to myself.” She looked hurt, and it made me feel guilty.
“What if you can’t tell Noah?” I asked softly. “I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable situation.”
“Wow. I mean, I don’t always tell Noah everything, but I’m not sure how I feel about purposely keeping secrets.” She wrapped her hands around her cup. “You can trust him too, Hope. You know that, don’t you?”
I shook my head. “I’m afraid he wouldn’t be able to keep this to himself. It could put him in an awkward position. I’m trying to avoid that.”
She didn’t say anything for quite a while. I could hear the clock on the wall ticking. She’d just opened her mouth to respond when we heard Charity calling from upstairs.
“You wait here. I’ll be right back. And I won’t say a word to Noah if you don’t want me to.”
She dashed up the stairs as Charity continued to holler for her. I pushed my chair away from the table and walked over to the large window by the front door. The moisture I’d felt in the air earlier had been a precursor of rain, as I’d predicted. A light drizzle wet the streets and shimmered in the light. Besides the illumination from a small lamp near the entrance to the restaurant, there was now a new streetlight outside the general store. The streetlight marked the beginning of even more changes in Kingdom. Although I worried sometimes about losing some of the doctrines that set us apart from the world, I loved the soft light that now flooded the street. The streetlight had been added as a safety measure because in the winter the store would be open while it was still dark outside. I liked being able to see our town more clearly at night, and I knew Lizzie and Noah appreciated it too.
The only other person living downtown now was Leah, who had a small apartment in the back of the school building. Although the elders had approved the use of electricity for the store, a few folks in Kingdom weren’t quite as supportive. Elmer Wittenbauer, Sophie’s father, had stated clearly that he would never set foot inside Metcalf’s General Store. But I figured that would last only until he really needed something. Brother and Sister Wittenbauer’s convictions were subject to change based on need.
As I waited, I wrestled with my decision to tell Lizzie about the incident with Sophie, but in the end, I felt the need to share it with her. All I could do was hope she would still be able to keep her word after I told her the truth.
Another thought was swirling around in my brain. Lizzie had cautioned me to not make any decision about Jonathon until I was sure I knew God’s will. The more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. “God,” I prayed softly, “I want your will. I’m at a crossroads with no idea which way to go. If I’m ever to be married, I want the man you have for me. So until I’m sure, I’m not going to do anything. All I’ve done so far is made a mess of things, and I’ve hurt a good man.” I turned my face upward. “I won’t change my mind, and I won’t break this covenant, Lord. No matter what. Your will, not mine.” A feeling of peace washed through me for the first time in days.
By the time Lizzie returned, it was raining harder. Before she’d gone upstairs, she’d turned the lights down in the restaurant, saying it would be best for us to stay downstairs until Charity fell asleep. The low lights and the sound of the rain gave the room a cozy feeling that I loved.
Our house
had a balcony on the second floor, but there was no door to access it. On rainy nights, I liked to climb out my window and sit there. Our overhanging roof kept me dry unless the wind blew the wrong way. Tonight I had the same feeling of protection and peace I experienced when I sat out on my balcony. I knew it was because I’d finally released my future to God instead of trying to plan it myself. I was also feeling a sense of freedom not having Papa around. More like a grownup and less like a child.
“So where were we?” Lizzie asked as she came down the stairs.
I twirled around and smiled at her. “You were trying to wrestle information out of me.”
She put her finger up in the air. “Oh yes. I believe you’re right.” She pointed at our table. “Spill it, girl.”
We both sat down as the sound of the rain hitting the roof above us grew a little louder. “Okay, but what about Noah?”
She sighed. “I’ll do my best, Hope. But if I feel it’s important and he needs to know, I’ll have to tell him. That’s the best I can do. Of course if you’ve killed someone, all bets are off.” She crossed her arms across her chest and scowled at me with a rather comical look on her face. “You haven’t killed anyone, have you?”
“No. I don’t think you need to worry about that.”
“Well, if that’s not it, you’d better tell me what’s going on.”
The peaceful atmosphere and the tranquility I felt inside helped me to finally get the words out. I told her about going after Sophie and how the rifle had gone off.
“Hope!” she exclaimed when I finished. “You could have been killed! How could Jonathon allow Sophie to get anywhere near that gun?”
“It’s not like he told her to break into his truck and take his rifle. She did that on her own.”
Lizzie bit her lip as she stared at me. I was already beginning to regret my decision to tell her what happened. I’d been worried about Sophie getting in trouble with the elders. For the first time, I realized that Jonathon could be implicated as well. Lizzie’s first admonition hadn’t been directed at Sophie. Her anger was toward him.
“Look, I know I told you I wouldn’t say anything to Noah, but has it crossed your mind that Sophie might be dangerous?”
