The one thing Coco demands from her acolytes is that they conform to her sense of fabulousness. Haley can do that if she tries hard enough. The question is, does she want to? What does she have to gain, and what does she have to lose?
If you think Haley had better try harder to fit in with Coco’s crowd before Cecily edges her out, turn to, THE COCO CLEANSE.
When you throw in your lot with Coco, it’s all or nothing. If you don’t do things Coco’s way, first she gets mad and then she gets even. If you think Haley isn’t so sure about the crazy fad diets and bizarre skin care rituals—which might not be the healthiest path to take, especially given Coco’s history of extreme control issues—have Haley approach EVERYTHING IN MODERATION. She’ll risk losing her place in the Hillsdale pecking order, but she has to ask herself if popularity is worth the high price.
Coco may be the most powerful girl at Hillsdale High, but she’s not the only game in town. Alex Martin is interning at the governor’s mansion, and that comes with a power of its own—power that goes way beyond the machinations of Hillsdale High. The fact that Alex is smart enough to land a plum internship with Mrs. Eton is impressive, and the inaugural ball is sure to be the social event of the season whether Coco De Clerq is in attendance or not. Besides, Alex does have a certain conservative charm, and Haley knows for a fact he has a soft spot for her. If you think Haley should find out what really goes on at the governor’s mansion, turn to, POLITICAL PREP, and help Alex set up for the big inaugural ball.
Lots of people resolve to improve themselves around the new year, but those resolutions don’t always stick. This is Haley’s chance to make some real changes in her life, to decide who she is and who she wants to be. Some of those changes are bound to be permanent, so choose carefully, or Haley could end up wishing she’d spent New Year’s Eve at home alone with a pint of ice cream.
TRIPLE DATE
You don’t need subtitles to read the writing on the wall.
“Want to hear the latest Darcy dirt?” Irene asked, barely able to contain herself.
“Ugh, not really,” Haley said, but she leaned forward anyway. Haley had stopped in at Hap’s Diner for a grilled cheese sandwich on her way home from returning an unwanted Christmas sweater. Now that Gam Polly had a full-time boyfriend, she was too busy to knit any more of her infamous barnyard-creature sweaters, which was a good thing. Unfortunately, she still liked to give presents. Gam had gotten the idea that puce was the “in” color for spring this year, and had sent sweaters for the entire family in that unflattering hue. Both of Haley’s parents were too busy to drive her to the mall that afternoon to exchange hers, so Haley had to take the bus. She couldn’t wait until she could finally get her driver’s license—only a month or so away.
The mall had been a zoo, so Haley decided she needed fortification before making her way back to Camp Tofu, otherwise known as home. Irene happened to be at Hap’s with her boyfriend, Shaun Willkommen, sharing a milk shake. Actually, Irene was sharing one of Shaun’s three milk shakes. Now that Shaun was on the track team, he had an excuse to eat like a bear. Haley perched next to them at the counter.
“I don’t see what’s so terrible about Darcy,” Shaun said. “She’s always nice to me.”
Irene rolled her eyes. “You’re such a boy.”
Shaun grinned and rubbed his blond crew cut. “What’s wrong with that?”
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it,” Irene said. “Boys never see past the surface of things. They’re too easily fooled.”
Shaun shrugged and slurped his vanilla shake. “Whatever works. If being a girl means analyzing every move some chick makes and dreaming up a scheme to go with it, I’ll stay on Boy Island, thanks. Dang if I gots the energy.”
“What are you talking about?” Haley said. “You’ve got more energy than anyone I know. By the way, I saw you on Channel Seven News last week. Nice parallel parking job.”
Shaun had ridden his father’s lawn mower into Manhattan and parked it in front of Radio City Music Hall before going in to see the Christmas show. A news van spotted him and interviewed him, then filmed him driving the mower into the mouth of the Lincoln Tunnel.
“What can I say? I love the Rockettes.” That was Shaun’s idea of an explanation.
“Ugh,” Irene said. “Darcy’s cheap tricks are starting to work on Devon. Do you know, yesterday she waltzed into Jack’s and told Devon that a movie scout had approached her about playing a teen runaway, and so she needed a sexy costume for the audition?” Devon, everyone knew, worked part-time at Jack’s Vintage Clothing to earn extra money, and Haley had often invented her own clothing needs just to have an excuse to stop by and see him. “He spent hours helping her try on trashy clothes, and meanwhile the whole story turned out to be a big fat lie.”
“So she bogused a movie deal to hang with the guy,” Shaun said. “Eiggib on.”
“Ugh!” Irene gasped, exasperated. Even Haley knew Shaun well enough by now to know that “Eiggib on” was backwards for “No biggie.” Shaun liked to talk backwards occasionally. It was one of his quirks. “Darcy never comes out and says she wants to be with Devon. She’s always got some phony reason she has to be near him. It’s totally manipulative. And it’s working. Devon’s at the point now that whenever we ask him to do something his first response is ‘Sure, I’ll see if Darcy can come.’ And you think I like hanging out with that little pervy twerp?”
“This is worse than I thought.” Haley put down her sandwich. She’d been feeling kind of territorial toward Devon in the past few days, thinking she should be the one cooing over veggie dumplings with him, not Darcy Podowski. But she’d always figured that sooner or later, he’d get tired of Darcy’s tricks and come to his senses. Lately, though, it was abundantly clear that Darcy was actually getting to Devon; she was a real threat, and it was time for Haley to quit fooling around and step up to the challenge.
“Take my advice, Haley,” Irene said. “Make an effort here, or you’ll lose Devon to Darcy for good. And nobody wants to see that happen. Certainly not me and Shaun.”
“Speak for yourself, woman. I dig the pervy twerp.” Irene punched him in the shoulder. “Okay, fine, you want to worm your way into their little mud hut and cool down whatever’s been heating up between ’em, I get it.” Haley and Irene stared at Shaun, surprised. “What? I listen, I pay attention. I can scheme with the best of them. I happen to think it’s a huge waste of milliseconds, but …”
“Shaun the love guru,” Irene said.
“No, no, maybe he’s right,” Haley said. “You know, keep your friends close, and keep your enemies—”
“On a choke leash chained to the garage,” Shaun interrupted. “That’s right.”
“You aren’t seriously thinking of listening to him, are you?” Irene asked.
“What else am I supposed to do? Devon and Darcy are probably doing it as we speak.”
“If that’s the case, they got one interesting mating dance,” Shaun said. “They’re coming this way. Ti t’nsi, ecnedicnioc ynnuf a s’taht?”
“It’s a small town, Shaun,” Haley said.
“Too small,” Irene added.
Devon and Darcy strolled into the diner and waved at Irene, Shaun and Haley. Devon started toward them to say hello, but Darcy grabbed his sleeve and said, “Quick! A booth just opened up!” and dragged him away.
“See what I mean?” Irene said.
“That was cold,” Shaun said. “Let a guy say yoyo to his friends, at least, before you give him the cat’s cradle.”
Haley finished her sandwich, trying not to glance in Devon’s direction. But she didn’t need to look—Shaun was happy to give her the play-by-play.
“Devon started to sit down across from Darcy, but she’s making him sit on the same side as her,” Shaun said. “Here comes the waitress with their water … ooh! Darcy’s pulling the old ‘I spilled water on my T-shirt’ trick. ‘Devon, will you help me wipe it off?’” Shaun put on a girly voice for Darcy’s lin
es, then switched to a deep boy voice. “‘Sure, Darcy, anything for you….’”
“We don’t need you to do the voices, Dr. Seduction,” Irene said. “I feel like I’m listening to a puppet show.”
“Now they’re ordering…. Darcy’s saying, ‘I’ll have a big heaping helping of Devon! Mmm … mmm … good.’”
“Okay, Shaun, that’s enough,” Irene said. “Haley, time to make your move. Why don’t you amble on over there and ask the two of them if they want to do something this weekend? Say, go to the Strand to see the latest foreign film? I believe they’re showing Days of the Sun, Nights of the Moon. It’s in Russian. Devon will love it, and Darcy won’t be able to get past the subtitles. It’s perfect.”
Haley couldn’t miss the wicked grin on Irene’s face. “Good idea. I’ve seen it ten times. It’s part of my dad’s permanent archives.” She got up and straightened her skirt.
Shaun used his girly voice again: “Now Darcy’s saying, ‘Hey Devon, want to see my latest piercing? Bet you can’t guess where it is….’”
“Quit it, Shaun,” Irene said.
Haley walked over to the booth and slid in across from Devon and Darcy. “Hey, guys,” she said casually. “What’s up?”
“Just ordering some chow,” Devon said.
“I’m addicted to the fries here,” Darcy said.
“They’re great, aren’t they?” Haley said. “You know, I don’t get to see you guys enough. Want to go to a movie this weekend, just the three of us?”
Darcy’s eyes narrowed. But Devon said, “Sure, that’s cool. Whatevs.”
“Awesome,” Haley said. “Why don’t you guys meet me at the Strand tomorrow night at eight? I’ll get the tickets. My treat.”
“The Strand?” Darcy said. “What’s playing there, some foreign crap?”
“That’s my favorite theater,” Devon said, clearly wounded.
“I know,” Haley said brightly, smiling at Darcy.
Just then, the waitress arrived with their food, so Haley hopped up to go. “So we’ll see you tomorrow,” Devon confirmed as Haley walked away. And she couldn’t help but notice he seemed just the slightest bit sad to see her go.
Back on her stool at the counter, Haley triumphantly announced, “Phase one of the mission accomplished.”
Shaun rubbed his hands together with glee. “E-e-e-excellent.”
“There’s three seats together.” Haley pointed toward a section in the middle of the small theater. Not that the place was all that crowded.
“Why couldn’t we see Zombie Rampage instead?” Darcy said. “I heard it was awesome.”
“This film’s very uplifting,” Haley said. “You’ll see.” She was hoping Devon would see too—see how shallow and immature Darcy was. So far he appeared to be fairly clueless on that front.
Darcy slid into the row first. Haley cut in front of Devon so that she could sit between the two of them, on Darcy’s right. But Darcy patted the seat to her left and said, “Sit here, Dev. It’s closer to the middle of the screen.”
Devon slid past Haley and sat on the other side of Darcy. Darcy looked at Haley and smiled. “There. We’ll all be much more comfortable this way.”
The lights went dim and the trailers played. That little sneak, Haley thought, barely noticing what was happening on the screen in front of her. Not that it mattered—she had the movie practically memorized. Irene was right—I never realized how manipulative Darcy really is.
The first scene opened with ominous orchestral music. Credits were written in Russian and translated below. The main character, a farmer, appeared, speaking incomprehensible gibberish. The subtitles flashed below him.
Darcy chomped her gum and sighed. “I can’t believe we have to sit here and read the movie. What a drag!”
That’s right, Haley thought. Keep showing your true colors. She leaned back in her seat and settled in for two hours of Russian tragedy in the steppes. She tried to keep an eye on Devon and Darcy, but the film was actually pretty absorbing, even on the eleventh viewing, though admittedly not as action-packed as Zombie Rampage would have been. Every once in a while she glanced over at the couple. Darcy was rubbing Devon’s hand and popping her gum, completely ignoring the screen, while Devon stared up at the movie in a kind of spaced-out trance.
When the film ended, Darcy sprang to her feet and announced, “Thank God that’s over. Let’s get out of here.”
Devon frowned.
“Wow, that was so intense. I think I’ve … I should visit the restroom and collect my thoughts,” Haley said pensively. Devon nodded as if he understood. “I’ll meet you in the lobby,” she said, heading for the ladies’ room alone. However, when she came out of the stall to wash her hands, she found Darcy by the sinks reapplying her blue eyeliner.
“Thanks for inviting us to the movie,” Darcy said. “Even though it sucked.”
“Sorry you didn’t like it,” Haley said.
“I don’t know what you think you’re trying to pull,” Darcy said. “But it didn’t work. And it never will.”
“I wasn’t trying to pull anything,” Haley said, her hackles up.
“It’s sad, really. I feel sorry for you, Haley. Deeply sorry.”
“Sorry for me?” Haley said. “Why?”
Darcy didn’t look away from the mirror, but kept slathering on eyeliner. “It’s so obvious how much you like Devon. Like, it couldn’t be more obvious. But it’s just as obvious that he only likes you as a friend. You’d have to be totally delusional not to see it.”
Haley was stunned. How could this girl speak so bluntly to her? Darcy was calling her delusional?
“You’re the delusional one,” Haley said, struggling to keep her voice from cracking. “If you think someone as shallow as you will ever be able to keep Devon’s interest for longer than a nanosecond.”
Darcy laughed. “You’re crazy. He’s totally into me. You’re just some homely classmate.”
Homely? That was it. The gloves were off.
“We’ll see about that,” Haley said, glaring at her opponent.
“Yeah, we will.” Darcy flounced out of the bathroom. Haley stayed by the sink for another minute composing herself. When she came out and looked for Devon and Darcy they were gone.
So that’s how it is, Haley thought. She gritted her teeth as she walked home in the cold. Now she saw Darcy for who she really was: a fierce competitor for Devon’s affections.
She’d better be ready, Haley thought. Because I’m not going to give up without a fight.
It’s on.
So Darcy’s dark side has come out—in all its Technicolor glory. Haley’s all worked up at the moment, but will the feeling last? Once she has time to mull things over, will she still want to head into an all-out war with the bleached blond frosh?
If you think this nasty little bathroom run-in has fired Haley up for good, have her rise to the challenge and compete for Devon’s heart, FORMIDABLE OPPONENT.
There are other things going on in Haley’s life, though—a lot of other things. One of the biggest events in her life is her upcoming driver’s test, and the possibility of that car her parents mentioned on New Year’s. Haley won’t pass the test unless she practices, and to practice she needs to focus on driving, not boy troubles and catfights. If you’re sure Haley cares more about getting her license than beating Darcy at her own game, go to, DRIVING PRACTICE.
Finally, all this drama is enough to make a girl’s head spin. To have Haley just head home to clear her head before deciding what to do next, go to, ON THE SCALE.
Haley’s got a lot on her plate right now. It’s up to you to help her decide what’s important and keep her priorities straight.
VON-METZGER
A happy occasion for some can be brutally painful for others.
Haley arrived at the Von-Metzger household to find the festivities in full swing under a makeshift tent in the backyard. Rick Von, art teacher extraordinaire, had gone all out to celebrate his recent engagement to Dave
Metzger’s mother, Nora. The tent looked homemade—like no party structure Haley had ever seen, in fact—but it was beautifully lit up with twinkling lights, like a swarm of winter fireflies. A space heater kept the area warm in spite of the January chill. Picnic tables covered with colorful Indian fabrics acted as banquet tables, and Mrs. Metzger had set candles and bowls of amaryllis all around.
“Welcome, Haley,” Mr. Von said in his soft, gentle voice. “Do you know, I made this tent myself.”
“Oh, I never would have guessed!” Haley exclaimed after offering Mr. Von her congratulations.
“Yes, I fashioned it out of my favorite old clothes and vintage cloth I’ve collected over the years. I wanted everything at the party to have meaning, even the fabric that surrounds us.”
“Um, that’s a lovely sentiment,” Haley said, trying her best to be polite.
“Right this way to the gift station,” Mr. Von said, leading Haley to a table covered with paints, brushes and paper. “In lieu of gifts we ask each of our guests to paint us a portrait of our love.” Haley saw a middle-aged woman with wild gray hair, busy painting a picture of a cactus.
“That’s … a lovely sentiment,” Haley repeated, now slightly creeped out. How was she supposed to know what Mr. Von and Mrs. Metzger’s love looked like?
She had to admit that she’d never seen her eccentric art teacher look so happy, or so neat. Since Nora Metzger had moved in, Mr. Von’s shirts were actually clean, ironed and even starched. Mrs. Metzger couldn’t seem to do much with her son’s hygiene habits, but she’d made a big improvement in Mr. Von’s.
Over by the hors d’oeuvre table, the usual art-student crowd had gathered, including Irene Chen and Shaun Willkommen, though there was no sign of Devon McKnight and his now-constant companion, Darcy Podowski. Dave, Annie and Hannah were huddled around the refreshments table sipping punch, and Alex Martin was talking to a strange man Haley didn’t recognize. So he made it after all, Haley thought. Alex had been so busy with preparations for Eleanor Eton’s inauguration lately, it had seemed doubtful that he would make an appearance. With his graying Vandyke beard and white Southern Gentleman suit flecked with paint, the stranger looked like someone who might have gone to art school with Mr. Von. The rest of the guests were arty friends of Rick’s and suburby friends of Nora’s, two subsets that didn’t intersect very much, Haley noticed.
What If... All Your Friends Turned On You Page 4
