AMERICAN GOTH
You can turn a girl into a punk but you can’t make her slam dance.
“Irene, I know you think there’s still a chance for me and Devon,” Haley said, plopping down on her bed, “but did you see the way they were all over each other in the parking lot today? I can only imagine what they’re doing right now in the Floods. Ew.”
Irene and Haley were hanging out in Haley’s bedroom, trying to figure out what to do about the D-Squared problem, as they now called it. It seemed that no matter what Haley did to try to lure Devon away from his freshman siren, she only seemed to push him further into Darcy’s clutches.
“That’s wack and you know it,” Irene said. “You’re the one Dev has so much in common with. You’re the one he wants to be with. He just hasn’t figured it out yet. He only likes that little twit because she’s hot—albeit in a trashtastic sort of way—and it doesn’t take much for her to lift her skirt.”
“Exactly,” Haley said. “How am I supposed to get his attention when she’s always on her back?”
“You’ve got to take one for the team here, Haley,” Irene persisted. “It’s getting to the point where Shaun and I can’t be friends with Devon anymore unless he ditches Darcy. You’re our only hope. You’ve got to do something to catch his attention—and keep it away from her—or …”
“Or what?” Haley demanded.
“Well, maybe we’ll get to the point where we can’t be friends with you either,” Irene huffed.
What’s that supposed to mean? Haley wondered, glaring at her friend. She was beginning to tire of Irene always blaming her for Devon’s taste in women. “Look, I’ve tried practically everything. The movie was a complete disaster. He doesn’t seem to care that Darcy is a total moron.” Haley tried on a pair of jeans and frowned at herself in the mirror on the back of her closet door. “Wow, my jeans are getting really tight.”
“So?” Irene said. “Aren’t they supposed to be tight?”
“Not this tight,” Haley said, struggling with the top snap. “I’ve gained about five pounds since Christmas. One too many Golden Dynasty egg rolls, I guess.”
She studied herself in the mirror, not sure what to think of her newly plump figure. Maybe her jeans didn’t fit, but she was curvier, which was good, right?
“You look fantastic,” Irene said. “Better than ever. Healthier. I’ve always thought you were a touch on the skinny side.”
“Um, easy for you to say that,” Haley said. Irene was fine-boned and slender, not the least bit heavy.
“You know what? Forget jeans,” Irene said, a sudden twinkle in her eye. “Jeans are dullsville. Everybody wears jeans. What you need is a brand-new look, something totally wild.” She got up and went to the closet. “In fact, that could be the answer to our problem.”
“What are you talking about?” Haley said.
Irene opened the closet and started pawing through Haley’s clothes. “A way to get Devon’s attention.” She pulled out a fluffy pink cardigan with a Mrs. Claus stitched across the breast. Irene pinched the sweater between her fingers at arm’s length, half frightened, half disgusted. “What the elf? Haley, tell me this is supposed to be ironic.”
Haley sighed. The sweater was one of Gam Polly’s knitted abominations. Every Christmas up until just last year, Haley’s grandmother had given her and Mitchell something she’d knitted herself, and it was usually unwearable. “I wish,” Haley said. “I have Gam Polly to thank for that.”
“I can’t get over some of this stuff. Penny loafers? Khakis? What were you thinking?”
“I know, I know,” Haley said. “I used to give my mom too much power over my wardrobe.”
“Hello … what’s this?” Irene pulled out Haley’s old gray plaid Montessori school kilt. In California, before moving east to New Jersey, Haley had gone to a Montessori school and worn a uniform. She was surprised to find it was still in her closet. She had thought she’d never wear it again, and good riddance.
“This is perfect,” Irene said. “Do you have any scissors?”
Haley grabbed some scissors off her desk and gave them to Irene, who started hacking at the plaid skirt’s hemline until it was ragged and enticingly short. “Here,” Irene said, tossing Haley a plastic shopping bag she’d brought over from the drugstore. “Look through there and pick out some makeup.”
The bag was full of cosmetics, from burgundy lipstick to heavy black eyeliner to green hair dye. Everything a girl needed for a punk rock makeover.
Irene tossed the freshly cropped skirt and a Clash T-shirt at her. “There’s your new uniform. Now let’s hit the bathroom. I’ll show you the way to make Devon McKnight melt.”
Two hours later, Haley stepped into her room with a green streak in her messed-up auburn hair and a new punk-glam look. The chopped-off kilt stopped mid-thigh, well above her combat boots. The rip in her Clash T-shirt was held together with two large safety pins. Her eyes were practically blackened with eyeliner, her lips stained a ghoulish purple. She ran to the full-length mirror.
“You look scary,” Irene said. “In a totally hot way.”
“Thanks.” Haley turned in front of the mirror, trying to get used to the alien person reflected back at her. It was amazing how a few cosmetic changes could transform a girl, even suggest a completely different personality. Was this what Devon wanted? Haley had to admit that her new look made her feel bolder and wilder.
Mitchell passed by Haley’s door and stopped cold. “Is it Halloween? Did I forget about Halloween?”
“Mitchell, go away,” Haley said.
Mitchell refused to obey. “Wait—it can’t be Halloween. It’s January! What happened to you? You look like you slammed face-first into a clown and he left half his makeup on you.”
Haley frowned. “Very helpful. Now get out of here.”
“Has Mom seen you yet?” Mitchell said. “Because when she does, you’re going to be in biiiig trouble.”
“I said get out of here.” Haley took him by the shoulders, turned him toward the hallway and marched him out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
“Just let me be there when you show Mom!” Mitchell shouted through the door. “Please?”
“Go away,” Haley said. “Ignore him,” she added to Irene, though she felt a twinge of guilt. Mitchell was an odd boy who didn’t have a lot of friends, and she sometimes thought he seemed lonely. Of course, if he wanted to hang around Haley, he didn’t have to insult her.
“I already have,” Irene said. “Now, remember what I told you: the outfit alone is not enough. The real key to this makeover is your attitude. The new look is just the outward manifestation of it. You’re tough—you don’t care about anything or anybody, least of all Devon McKnight. Trust me, you do this and he’ll realize what a fool he’s been.” She smiled deviously.
“But how do you know it will work?”
“Because I know Devon,” Irene said. “Think about it, the way he’s jerked you around all this time. Why? Because he can never make up his mind. About anything. He acts cool but at heart he’s very indecisive. Wishy-washy, even. That makes him easy pickings for a tattoo-covered scam artist like Darcy.”
“Or me,” Haley said, a kernel of doubt rising in her mind as she touched the green streak in her hair.
“You’re not a scam artist,” Irene insisted. “You’re his soul mate. The girl he was meant to be with. We just have to help clue him in.”
“And you think all this will convince him?”
“He’ll love the new you, but remember—it’s the attitude that will seal the deal,” Irene said. “I hate to say anything nice about that Stepford chick Coco, but one thing I’ll give her: she’s been a pro at freezing out Spencer since she dumped him last week. The more he begs for forgiveness the colder she gets—and it just keeps him coming back for more. That is exactly what you need to do to Devon. And if you can keep it up, soon he’ll be right where you want him: wrapped around your skull-ringed little finger.”
> Looks as though Haley’s trying to outpunk her rival, Darcy. And since she and Devon actually do have more in common than Devon and Darcy, this style change might be the tipping point in Haley’s conquest of the adorably arty photographer.
Every change comes with a price, however. And if Irene’s clever plan doesn’t work—or worse yet, backfires—what will Haley be left with? A vat of green hair dye and a tub of humiliation? Is it worth the risk?
And what if Mitchell is right—will Joan Miller take one look at Green Day Haley and scrub the eyeliner off until her skin is raw? Maybe Haley’s little bro just said that because he’s desperate for attention. As the big sister, shouldn’t Haley look out for him? Or will she be too busy chasing Devon?
If you think Haley loves her punky new look and wants to take on Darcy and destroy the Devon love triangle, turn to, SHOWDOWN AT JACK’S. If you think Haley should ditch this Halloween-costume look and spend more quality time with her little brother, and perhaps help him get to know his fellow oddball Dave Metzger, turn to, ROBOT ER.
Finally, what if Haley decides that punk rock chic isn’t her vibe? If it takes pretending to be someone she’s not to get Devon, then maybe Devon isn’t the guy for her. If this is your take on the situation, turn to, LOVE AND ROCKETS.
Punk is an attitude for sure, and not everyone can pull it off. But can Haley? That’s for you to decide.
COLLEGE BOUND
Good news for some can be bad news for others—it’s all in how you look at it.
One afternoon Haley received a mysterious text from Alex: “dnr 2nite, bubbies, 7. celebr8!”
Celebrate what? Haley wondered. She had to find out, and she couldn’t resist the invitation, so she texted back: “ilbt.”
She walked into Bubbies Bistro at seven that night just as Annie and Dave arrived in Annie’s electric car.
“Do you know what this is all about?” Haley asked Annie.
Annie shook her head. “No idea.”
Alex was sitting at the round table in the back, grinning ecstatically, his face glowing. He waved his friends over and they sat down. Each place was already set with a glass of sparkling cider.
“What’s the big news?” Annie asked.
“My friends, I’m glad you could join me,” Alex said. “I wanted to make this announcement in person—”
“Then hurry up and make it already!” Dave said, ever the patient diplomat.
“All right,” Alex said. “I found out today that I’ve been accepted at Georgetown. I’ll be studying polisci there in the fall.”
“That’s wonderful!” Haley cried. She threw her arms around him and gave him a huge hug. She was genuinely excited for him. Getting into Georgetown had been Alex’s dream for as long as she’d known him.
“Congratulations!” Annie and Dave chorused. They all toasted Alex with their sparkling cider.
“Thank you,” Alex said. “I’m really grateful to have such amazingly supportive friends to share this news with. Now, let’s order some food! My treat.”
After they ordered dinner and began to eat, Haley felt her excitement fade somewhat. She was truly happy for Alex, but the reality suddenly struck her: he was going away to college next year. To Washington, D.C. Not that Washington was all that far away, but still … he’d be in college, and she’d still be a New Jersey high school girl. How could their relationship grow under those conditions?
“Mrs. Eton was really excited for me too,” Alex was saying. “She even threw together a little toast for me at the office this afternoon.” He paused to eat a bite of steak.
“She must be sorry to lose you,” Haley said. “She obviously thinks you’re a great asset to her administration.”
“She wouldn’t think so highly of me if it weren’t for you, Haley,” Alex said. “You guys should have seen Haley at the inaugural ball! She was amazing. She knew all these influential people, and she remembered everybody’s name and what their interests were and who was enemies with whom…. She really saved my butt a few times—and Governor Eton’s, too.”
“Really?” Annie eyed her with suspicion. “I thought you were dreading hobnobbing with those Republicans.”
Haley blushed, pleased by Alex’s praise, even as the pit in her stomach grew. That night at the inaugural ball had been wonderful, but also a little unsettling. Haley had felt so competent, so on top of her game and in perfect sync with Alex—until Governor Eton had practically commanded him to take down Coco De Clerq so that Mrs. Eton’s son Spencer’s social status in Hillsdale would once again be restored. Ever since then, Alex had secretly been working on undermining Coco, and Haley had been glad he hadn’t asked her to get her hands dirty. Yet. As she looked over at Alex, and caught herself smiling at his handsome face, nerdy glasses and bow tie, it began to dawn on her just how attached she felt to him.
But what kind of future could they have? He was an elephant, she was a donkey. Two different species, with wholly different ideas. And besides, he was bound to meet plenty of girls at Georgetown who were just as smart and capable as Haley, if not more so, and girls who shared his conservative worldview. His head would be turned before he even settled into his dorm.
Haley watched him holding court at the table and her heart sank further. He was so cute and, now that he knew he’d been accepted at the college of his choice, more confident than ever. And more of a catch.
Calm down, she told herself. He’s not leaving for months, and a lot can happen in that time.
But what did she want to happen? What could possibly happen that would keep them together once he left?
She tried to smile through dinner, but she was feeling worse and worse. Alex insisted she have crème brûlée for dessert, so she ordered one, but her stomach felt so knotted up with worry she barely touched it.
As they were just finishing up, the theme from Battlestar Galactica suddenly blared through the restaurant, startling her. Then she realized it was only Dave’s ringtone.
Dave scraped up the last of his chocolate pudding and answered the call. “Hannah? Yes? What’s the matter?”
Haley could hear Hannah’s panicky chipmunk voice babbling through the phone from across the table.
“Oh no!” Dave said. “Okay, I’ll be right there.” He clicked off. “RoBro! just short-circuited. Hannah says he’s flatlining. She’s freaking out. I’ve got to get back there.”
“Really? You want to interrupt Alex’s celebration dinner to tend to your robot?” Haley asked before she could stop herself.
“Haley!” Annie chastised, glaring at her friend. “You’re growing more Republican red by the minute.” Haley felt it coming—the inevitable split with her lefty friends and maybe even her parents if she was to stick with Alex. Suddenly, she was very confused.
“Hey, now,” Alex said, defending Haley. “Let’s everyone settle down and think.”
Haley noticed then that Dave’s eyes were actually tearing up. She should have known how much RoBro! meant to him. Although she was aware that RoBro! was just a machine, to Dave, RoBro! was his flesh-and-blood brother. Haley thought of how upset she’d be if something happened to Mitchell.
“I’ll come with you, Dave,” she offered. “Maybe we should bring RoBro! over to my house. My little brother, Mitchell, is actually something of an electronics whiz. He might be able to help. And in any case, he’s got tons of equipment in the basement that could be useful.”
“Thanks, Haley,” Dave said, swallowing his tears. “You’re a lifesaver.”
Poor RoBro! Dave has certainly taken to his metallic sibling. It’s sad, really. But does Haley have the heart to watch a friend cry or a robot die? She knows for a fact that Mitchell can take apart and fix just about anything; she’s seen him do it oh so many times. (Of course, he often breaks the thing himself first, just for fun, but that’s a technicality.) If you think her first priority is to bring RoBro! to her house and have Mitchell help Dave and Hannah save his electronic life, turn to, ROBOT ER.
Or maybe you
think the RoBro! news is sad but the Alex news is sadder. Yes, college orientation is still months away, but for the first time it feels real to Haley: Alex is going away next year. And the more time she spends with him now, helping plan inaugural balls and saving ailing robots, the more it will hurt when he finally leaves. She’s already in pretty deep. If she gets too close to him before he ships off to school, she could get her heart seriously broken. And also, the more time she spends with Alex, the more apparent their political differences become. Can they even make it as a couple, or will their polar-opposite stances on global warming and market reform clash and get in the way?
Maybe Haley should start spending more time with people in her own grade—people who will still be around come senior year. If you think Haley should protect herself emotionally and start pulling away from Alex now, before it’s too late, turn to, LOVE AND ROCKETS.
Robots and politicos. Politicos and robots. There was a time when Haley thought they were one and the same. Now she knows better. But that leaves her with a choice: save the robot, or save herself?
PRINCIPAL CRUM’S LITANY
April’s hardly the cruelest month. January’s got a heart of ice.
“People.” Principal Crum had only to utter one word and titters erupted in the school auditorium. He had a bad winter cold and everything he said sounded nasally and pinched, as if he were holding his nose. Even without a cold, Principal Crum often got laughs from the kids, however—usually when he wasn’t looking for them.
Principal Crum paused behind the podium, staring at his students with grave disappointment. Of course, this didn’t faze them—grave disappointment was pretty much Principal Crum’s default setting. Seated in a folding chair beside the podium was Ms. Underhill, the school nurse, who doubled as a phys ed teacher. In spite of the freezing January temperatures outside, and in spite of her stocky frame and thick thighs, Nurse Underhill was dressed in her usual uniform of thick-waisted short shorts and a Hillsdale Hawks T-shirt. Not so chic, Haley thought, well aware of why many of the students at Hillsdale called the nurse “Fatty Matty.”
What If... All Your Friends Turned On You Page 9
