by Jenny Colgan
What on earth was I doing? If I wanted to start a fight with Amanda, I should have done it a long time ago. And who, exactly, was I defending? But then, if Fraser did have his eyes open – which I doubted – Angus certainly didn’t. He had a blind spot for Fraser the size of the chip on his shoulder. Oh God.
Fran came crashing into the bathroom after me with two fresh glasses of champagne. She was absolutely delighted.
‘Ohmigod, the look on her face! What on earth were you talking about?’
I sunk my head into my hands.
‘Really, I don’t know.’
‘You went for her.’
‘I know. And I don’t even know why!’
‘Well, she was asking for it,’ Fran reflected.
‘No she wasn’t! She might even be right, for all we know. That probably is the best way to get married: find a nice bloke that you get on with all right and then ignore each other for the next fifty years.’
‘Well, I’ve heard stupider reasons.’
‘Like what?’
‘Well, you know my brother Brendan?’
‘Yeah.’
‘He got married because he kept losing his socks.’
‘Fuck off!’ I looked up briefly.
‘It’s true. He kept losing his socks, and one day he said, “That’s it, I’m fed up of losing all my fucking socks. The next woman I meet I’m going to marry, as long as she can count socks.” And he did.’
‘How are his socks now?’
‘Dreadful. She divorced him for being a sexist pig who talked about socks all day long.’
I giggled. ‘Complete socks maniac.’
‘Completely.’
We both smiled and sipped our champagne, and I felt better. It helped that the toilets were nicer than my entire flat.
‘So, ehm …’ I toyed with my glass.
‘What am I going to do about Angus?’
‘Psychic, you!’
She smiled. ‘I thought he might come up sooner or later.’
‘I thought he already did.’
‘Have you got a soft spot for him?’
‘No.’
‘Lying cow.’
‘Fuck off!’
‘Well, to set your mind at rest – although, if you will let me be so bold, if you would dump Mr Trevelyan and go out with the dumpy yet delightful Mr McConnald I would be the happiest best friend alive – he phoned me to apologize.’
‘To apologize? Why?’
‘Because he wasn’t going to phone me. To which I said it was quite all right, I didn’t mind a bit.’
‘No, no, hang on. I don’t understand. He phoned you to say he wasn’t going to phone you?’
‘Yes. So if I was hanging around the phone, I could stop and get on with my life. Which of course I wasn’t. So we had a nice little chat and said our goodbyes. An extremely civilized end to a one-night stand, I have to say.’
‘That is too weird. I don’t know whether it’s extremely polite or a damning indictment of today’s decadent society.’
Fran checked her make-up in the mirror and I joined her, still wondering.
‘What are you going to do now?’ she asked.
I winced. ‘Oh God. Apologize to Amanda, I suppose. I must be off my head. They’re probably all pissing themselves laughing at me.’
‘The only way you could make those girls laugh would be to tell them Anthea Turner’s put on three stone. Do you want to stay?’
I weighed it up.
‘Did you get it on tape?’
‘If it works, then yes.’
‘Well, I suppose there’s no reason to stay, then.’
‘Not really.’
I thought longingly of the dessert trolley.
‘There’s always pudding,’ said Fran.
I clapped her on the shoulder.
‘Will there always be pudding, Fran?’ I asked gravely.
‘There will always be pudding, Mel. I promise.’
I took a deep breath and walked out there. All the girls were huddled together, obviously talking about us, ignoring their spiky-looking salads. Our main courses were being kept on a hot plate by our faithful waiter.
I walked over and grabbed the back of my chair for support.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said to Amanda, as sincerely as I could.
‘Oof, don’t worry about it for a second,’ she said, waving me to sit down. I smiled gratefully.
‘You’ve been a little naïve, haven’t you, darling? I shouldn’t expect it to stop now, just because we’re supposed to be grown-up!’ She tinkled the patented Amanda laugh. Beside her, I watched Fran bare her teeth.
‘Now! More champers all round! I absolutely insist.’
‘Rah rah rah!’ shouted the other girls, all of one mind. A half-witted one.
The waiter brought main courses for Fran and I, and we tucked in, letting the girls get on with discussing their boyfriends’ cars. Suddenly, there was a near hush in the restaurant. Looking up from my trough, I turned round to see what the matter was. Weaving between the tables was one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen in real life. Almost six foot tall, her shiny, pure blonde hair glimmered in the lights. She was dressed in pale, slim-fitting, elegant flowing things, and appeared to float rather than walk. The ratio of her legs to the rest of her body was about 2:1.
‘That’s who I’m going to look like when I’m grown-up,’ I whispered to Fran, who nodded violently. Behind her was a gorgeous, gorgeous bloke, wearing an expensive – but not showy – suit. He looked vaguely familiar.
Amanda stood up, wearing an eager expression I didn’t often see her use.
‘Lili! Darling!’ she screeched in her ladylike fashion. It was the most emphatic ‘darling’ I’d ever heard from her. ‘Over here!’
Lili’s swan-like neck moved a fraction, and she swept her eyes over our measly group. The empty spaces had been taken up by latecomers, noisy City boys showing off. Her eyes passed over me without even looking; I had obviously fallen below some imaginary bar whereby one became actively invisible.
Her white teeth glistened for a second as she bestowed the merest hint of a radiant smile. Amanda, amazingly, was all nerves and practically pleading.
‘You’ve met Jacintha, of course, from Freud’s … Araminta from Carlton … Please, take a seat. I’ll pour you a glass – I see you’ve brought a friend, ha ha.’ I could almost hear her accent crack.
Lili bent down elegantly, her white hands long and tapered. ‘Oh, we can’t stay, we’re off to Philippa’s bash. We just popped in to see everyone’ – her deep voice sounded pointed – ‘and now we’re off.’ She bestowed fifteen alternate kisses on Amanda’s cheeks then turned and floated off in a cloud of rare and precious perfume. The broad shoulders of the man disappeared as he gently guided her elbow across the floor.
I stifled a sudden terrible urge to giggle. Well, just when you thought you were pretty far down in the food chain, you discovered a whole new layer you’d never even dreamt of.
‘Who the hell was that?’ demanded Fran, chewing the last of her lamb.
‘Oh, isn’t she great?’ said Amanda, her eyes wide.
‘Well, from that in-depth and emotional meeting, I’d say she’s a bit of a stuck-up cow, actually.’
Amazingly, one of the blondies – I think it was Mookie – giggled independently, then blushed bright red and stared at her carpaccio.
Amanda sniffed. ‘Well, you would say that about one of the most important fashion people in London. And she came to my hen night.’
Fran and I looked at each other. ‘She didn’t come to your hen night!’ said Fran in amazement. ‘She did a Red Arrows fly-past of your hen night.’
I kicked her on the ankle. But Amanda seemed unperturbed.
‘Darling, she showed. That’s all that matters.’
Fran looked at me, but I simply shrugged. Nothing Amanda did made any sense to me.
As the main excitement of the evening was clearly over, I saw Amanda beckon the wait
er. Fran and I eyed the dessert trolley eagerly.
‘Nobody wants pudding –’ Amanda’s voice rang out clearly – ‘so, just the bill, please.’
I let my shoulders sag and drank a little more champagne.
‘Can we go now?’ whispered Fran. I nodded.
‘And can you order us a couple of limos?’ said Amanda.
Good God, I didn’t even know you could do that. And I’d never been in a limo …
My eyes cut to Fran. She sighed and looked upwards, then nodded her head.
‘OK, everyone?’ shouted Amanda brightly. ‘Are we ready to party?’
The girls giggled and shrieked, ‘Yars!’
‘I know the limos are naff, but, hey, it’s my hen night! We’re gonna go crazy!’
Seven reserved posh girls did their best to look crazy as Amanda signed her name with a flourish and flashed her gold card. Then we manoeuvred through the chairs. Outside, as if by magic, were two absolutely ludicrous jet black limousines.
‘Our carriages await! Yanna’s, please!’ Amanda ordered the drivers.
Yanna’s was some desperately exclusive club in Mayfair. Shrugging her shoulders, Fran squeezed into the first of the cars, and I followed her. There was a slight pause outside as we realized that the girls all wanted to go in the second limo with Amanda and not us, but that got sorted out somehow, and the one I’d identified as Mookie slid in gracefully.
I looked around the limo. It was done up in high seventies style, with lots of burgundy leather, and there was a white fur rug on the floor, as well as a phone on a string, a TV, and a little fridge in which – hooray – nestled even more champagne.
‘My God, this is a white trash fantasy dream,’ sighed Fran as I opened the champagne. ‘I wonder how many revolting old men have shagged teenage blonde girls in the back here?’
‘Shall we ask the driver?’ I said mischievously, pointing to the button that raised the screen.
‘Do you really want to know? Yuck!’
‘What, if Mick Jagger had fifteen young virgins on the floor? Sure.’
‘It probably does one hundred and fifty hen nights a year and two smart functions,’ said Fran gloomily. ‘Really, it’s a bit of a wanker’s mobile.’
As if in confirmation, as the car inched its way down Regent Street, some students came up to the blackened window, shook something at us and yelled, ‘Rich bastards!’
I looked at Fran in disbelief. ‘We’re rich bastards!’
‘Well, hooray!’ said Fran.
‘Gosh, how terribly amusing,’ said Mookie, looking at the students, although she wasn’t smiling. Up till now she’d been sitting silently, and I’d assumed she was disgruntled at not getting into the Princess’s limo. ‘Did you know those chaps?’
I looked at her. ‘Ehm, no. Why, did you?’
She giggled at this. ‘No! Me neither!’
This felt almost like a conversation, but not quite.
‘OK. Are you having a good time?’
‘Why, erm … yars, of course.’ She looked a bit mystified by the question. ‘I mean, the restaurant was in Vogue this month, it’s almost impossible to get bookings.’
‘Really?’ said Fran. ‘God, we were lucky.’
‘How long have you known Amanda?’ I was persevering with the small talk, while making my usual subtle nudges to Fran to put the tape on. She glowered at me.
‘Well, Jacintha and I are cousins, and we were at school together with Philippa – she’s having another party tonight; she doesn’t like Amanda …’ – my eyebrows raised – ‘I think she had her eye on Fraser herself. Well, most of the Right Hons are spoken for, or will only go out with models, or are complete poofters, so there’s not that many left, rally,’ she finished sadly.
Oh.
‘Anyway, the Vryker-Lyons are old neighbours of ours from the village, so when Araminta went up, she met Amanda, and that’s how it all fits together, rally.’
‘Right. I see.’
‘So,’ said Fran, ‘are you and Amanda really good friends?’
‘Well, I’m going to be one of the bridesmaids.’ Mookie was blushing more and more at being bombarded with these questions. I wondered if, underneath it all, she might be rather nice.
‘That’s lovely,’ I said, reassuringly. ‘And … what do you think of Fraser?’
I expected her to get stroppy, remembering my little outburst earlier, or silent and defensive.
Instead she looked mildly uncomfortable, and blushed again.
‘Well,’ she said. Fran helpfully refilled her glass.
‘Go on, you can tell us,’ I said. ‘We won’t tell anyone.’
Except, you know, Fraser, I thought.
‘Scout’s honour,’ said Fran. With one hand behind her back.
She smiled. ‘You won’t tell Amanda?’
‘Oooh no.’
Slightly drunk, she burped and said, ‘You know, rally, I kind of agreed with what you said earlier.’
I nodded encouragement.
‘Well, when Fraser first came on the scene, he was rally innocent, you know? He kept getting invited to these parties, and he thought it was because some people he knew from university rally liked him, you know?’
‘How stupid can you get?’ I said, smiling through gritted teeth.
‘Rally! So at first we took the piss a bit, especially with Amanda rally coming on to him like that … I mean, she was still seeing that guy from Les Mis at the time.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘Rally – I think she finished it, though. For the wedding and stuff.’
‘Well, that was good of her.’
‘Anyway, then I got to know him a bit more. And now I think he’s rally nice.’
‘Oh, he is.’
‘And Amanda bosses him about rally horribly. I mean, I know she’s dead lovey-dovey in public, but honestly’ – she lowered her voice – ‘I’ve heard her be rally nasty to him.’
‘There’s a surprise,’ I said.
Fran tutted. ‘For God’s sake, let’s just kill her,’ she said.
Mookie looked down suddenly and giggled. ‘Oh, it must be the champagne,’ she groaned. ‘Please, promise me you won’t tell anybody.’
‘Ehm … we promise.’
‘Then, kind of, I agree with you. Rally, I don’t think they should get married.’
I was touched.
We stepped out of the ridiculous car. There was a crowd of people queuing on the pavement, but Amanda knew where she was going, and she waved us ahead fiercely. Evidently a lot of people who hadn’t quite been able to drag themselves out for dinner were there, and Amanda passed up the line kissing and squealing with laughter. Yet again everyone was about eight foot taller than me, with designer clothes and loud voices. Mookie disappeared into a crowd of flowing blonde hair. The night was full of peacocks and screeching, and more exotic birds than us, and out of the club came the ghastly thumping of mid-eighties rock. All this detective work had made me extremely tired. I looked for Amanda. She was at the front of the queue, and I just overheard her say, ‘Well, of course, Lili came.’
‘Shall we go?’ I said to Fran.
‘Thought you’d never ask,’ she said, and we finally collapsed into a cab and made our way home.
Neither of us spoke until we were nearly at my house. One after another, we let out huge sighs, for quite different reasons.
‘Are you coming in?’ I said as I paid the driver. However, she was already halfway up the mildewed stairs.
Eleven
We sat in my sitting room giggling and trying to play the tape. I was terrified about noise, as Linda had put a big sign up on my door that said, ‘Please don’t make nois!!’ [sic], so I felt a bit in the last-chance saloon.
The tape crackled and spat through a lot of rustling – and a fair bit of chewing on Fran’s part – and eventually cut into the conversation:
‘You know, I’m only telling you this for your own good, but you can be incredibly naïve, Melanie.’
> The familiar tinkle. I cringed.
‘Why do I let her say this stuff?’
‘Because you have no self-esteem,’ observed Fran. ‘If she said anything nice, you’d think she wasn’t good enough for you, and you’d never see her.’
I tried to work this out as the tape ran on, but the tape took over. It was unbearable. By the time it got to my famous ‘I do believe in all that crap’ speech, I was rolling on the floor in embarrassment – first, at my Estuary tones, and second, at the whole ghastly situation of hearing yourself talk bollocks when pissed, which in most of life is fortunately never repeated.
I leaned over and switched the tape recorder off.
‘Well, that’s it then,’ I said.
‘What?’ Fran grabbed the recorder back fiercely.
‘You’re not playing that to Angus. Or Fraser. Or anyone. I’m throwing it out right now.’
‘But, Mel,’ said Fran innocently, ‘I believe!’
‘Shut up!’
‘No! No, I do now truly believe in the power of love, thanks to your moving words.’
‘Fuck off!’ I leapt at her to try and grab the tape. She grabbed my arms and we rolled about on the carpet, knocking over a frilly lamp with a paisley shade. It crashed off the coffee table.
‘Oh God.’ I sat up, while Fran held the tape out of my reach. ‘SHH!’ From next door there came the almost imperceptible sound of a long sigh. Come on, I beckoned Fran quietly, and we went into my bedroom, which was the other side of the flat at least, and you could shut the door properly.
‘You definitely can’t play that bit,’ I hissed. ‘It makes me sound like fucking Barbara Cartland. Fraser will think I’m in love with him.’
Fran wasn’t listening, instead gently crooning ‘The Power of Love’ to herself. I kicked her.
‘Wind it on. Wind it on to that bit with Mookie in the limousine.’
Unfortunately, Mookie in the limousine sounded exactly like Bagpuss, only with less distinctive vowel sounds.
‘What’s she saying?’ I leaned close to it. ‘“I agwee?” What does she agwee with? Jesus, that’s dreadful.’ The tape filled up with traffic noises.
‘This is pointless,’ I said.
