by Mia Ford
When I was with Carrie, I felt like somebody. Yet, if I hurt her because I was too blind to realize I couldn’t change, it would destroy me.
So, this was better, I had convinced myself as I had walked back in the door. Seeing her up and around, sitting in my chair and making herself at home had made what I felt I had to do even harder, but I had done it.
Yeah, you jackass…You’ve done it, alright. I thought as my eyes wandered over to her form, laying motionless and soundless on the bed.
Again, Jake had taken her side and was trying to comfort her by placing his head on her side.
Occasionally, he would shoot me dirty looks, but he was a damn dog. I couldn’t expect him to understand.
All he knew was the sense of what was going on. He sensed that I was the cause for Carrie’s distress and so, even to my own dog, I was the asshole.
I tried to shrug it off, however, sitting down in my chair, trying to focus on anything other than the disappointment I had caused.
Neither one of us spoke for a while. Of course, I wasn’t going to speak.
I figured I just needed to get past a day or so, and then I could get her home and we could both return to our respective lives.
However, apparently, Carrie had other plans.
I heard movement directly behind me and turned, instinctually, to find Carrie standing there, staring at me.
I glowered at her, trying to seem unwelcoming, but she seemed to dismiss my actions as she stacked her hands atop the back of the chair.
“Johnathan,” she started in a voice that told me she was still upset, but was trying to keep it together, “What happened to you? I know it must’ve been something terrible and I’m sorry for that, but I would like to know what it is. Maybe then, we can work through whatever it is that is making you act this way.”
“It’s none of your damn business,” I retorted immediately, huffing angrily, “And once you go back to your normal life, it won’t matter anyway. I’m not some damn charity case. You can’t fix me,” I spat.
“I don’t think that,” Carrie insisted, but I could tell she was fighting to maintain her composure.
“Well, whatever it is that makes you so interested, I guarantee it won’t matter as soon as we’re back where we’re supposed to be.”
“You keep saying that, but you’re not worried about where you’re supposed to be, you’re worried about hiding!”
“Yeah, maybe I am. Even if you’ve got me all figured out, I’m sure I’m not worth deciphering. For all intense and purposes, Carrie, I don’t even exist. So, the best thing you can do is to view this as a learning experience and move on.”
I watched as Carrie stepped back slightly, in shock, but I could tell that she wasn’t about to accept what I was telling her. “You keep saying the experience, like I sought you out. I didn’t knock on your door and beg you to take me in. Like it or not you involved yourself, Johnathan. The experience I wanted was done the moment that the guide tried to take advantage of me!” She huffed, gathering her thoughts. When she spoke again, her voice was much calmer. “I didn’t ask for this experience, but part of me believes that this is what needs to happen. I think I needed to meet you. I think we might be good for one another.”
I hated the idea that she might be right and was annoyed at the fact that I had thought the same thing, during one of my more hopeful moments. However, I knew that agreeing with her, in any capacity was a slippery slope and so, instead, I simply blew her off.
“You’re too damn trusting!” I exclaimed, trying my best to sound like the dick I knew she would eventually give up on. “I’m cautious. That’s it.”
“You’re stupid, not cautious. You’re a coward. Instead of facing up to your fears, you run and hide in the mountains, bitching at anyone who even comes close to you, because God forbid you find one human who doesn’t fuck you over.”
I stopped short, now feeling a genuine bout of rage. I knew that I hurt her, but that still didn’t mean I appreciated the truth being thrown at me so callously.
“I am not a coward,” I seethed.
“Oh, yeah? What the hell would you call running away and spending your whole life in solitude? I’m pretty sure you’re not running from the law, so pushing everyone away isn’t exactly the best way to find a happy life.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” I hissed in protest.
“I know enough. It’s amazing what you find out when you want to know more about someone. Especially, someone as transparent as you!”
“Transparent? Really? Well, why don’t you go on another mountain hike. Maybe you’ll find a remaining member of the goddamn Manson family, and don’t expect my coward ass to come save you.”
“Oh, thanks. Throw that back in my face. Real mature!” Carrie screams back, her face reddening with rage, “You’re so pathetic! Just because you put walls up around you, doesn’t mean that I can’t see right through your bravado. You think you’re so tough, when really, when it comes to anything real, anything outside the realm of intimidation, you can’t handle yourself.”
“Or, maybe I’m just fed up with all the drama. Death is the only thing that is certain in this life. Not love, not trust, and certainly not friendship, so I’m sorry if I don’t want to go fuck every stranger I meet.”
At this, Carrie stopped, and I knew I had screwed up. I knew I had gone too far with my insults. I had gotten carried away, angry by her blunt honesty and I had really upset her. Being an ass was one thing, but I had used the only real thing I knew about her against her more than once and this time, I could see in her expression that my words cut particularly deep.
“Carrie,” I started, immediately trying to save myself, but she put her hand up and moved away from me with a sense of urgency. “Carrie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that…”
“You know what, Johnathan, I don’t really care. You could have meant it, you could not have meant it, but it doesn’t really matter. It still hurts all the same.”
“Dammit, Carrie, I’m trying to apologize!” I insisted, but I knew it was too late. My comment had already done its damage.
She ignored me, which angered me. I was more frustrated with myself than I was with her, but I didn’t have another way to curb my anger, so I lashed out.
“You know what, forget it! If you can’t accept that I am happy, then you can leave. I don’t need you trying to convince me why I should be miserable.”
At this, I received a reaction. I watched Carrie stop short, as her spine prickled with ire. I watched as the bones in her back thrust outward, underneath her shirt as she stood up abnormally straight.
It seemed to take forever for Carrie to turn around.
The stubborn ass that I am waited, knowing that I couldn’t show her any crack in my resolve. I had made my ultimatum and she was going to have to decide.
Even though I didn’t mean it and even though I wish I could’ve taken everything that I had said to her, this entire day, back, I couldn’t bring myself to admit any of this. Once again, I told myself that all I needed was myself and that others, Jake included, were secondary to myself.
After all, I had given everything I had and had it thrown back in my face. There was no way I was going to allow someone else to do that to me again.
When she finally curled around, I could tell that her equally stubborn nature was going to challenge me. I knew that she was going to call my bluff, even before her brooding eyes ensnared my gaze within her sight and her shocked expression turned to pure anger.
However, with the dramatic way in which she presented herself, I expected her to argue with me, or throw another hurtful comment in my direction, but she didn’t.
Carrie didn’t curse me, or yell, or even show that she was hurt by the choice that I had demanded of her. She didn’t make me feel guilty and she didn’t even ask why I would go to such an extreme.
Instead, her answer was simple, almost unfitting for the situation.
“Fine,” she replied, wit
hout her gaze so much as wavering from mine. Her body language was stoic, and her tone was placid.
I supposed that at that point, there was no reason for her to react any other way. I had given her an ultimatum and she had made her choice. There was no further room or need for discussion.
However, when I watched her calmly turn around and walk toward the door, I certainly didn’t feel as though I had gotten what I wanted.
In fact, I regretted nearly every decision I had made since meeting Carrie, though I still couldn’t justify a reason behind the commitment I had to her.
Chapter 13:
Carrie
I was livid and more hurt than I could ever remember being. Inside, I was quaking with anger and pain, which surprised me when my expression and tone came out even.
However, I quickly decided, in that moment, when he had finally demanded I make that choice, that his decision to give me an ultimatum was a damn good reason to simply get the hell away from him.
Obviously, I was wrong about him.
I guess I’m not as good as judge of character as I thought I was… I told myself as I turned back toward the door.
I didn’t really have a plan, though I knew that I wasn’t going to stay a moment longer in a place where I was unwanted. Johnathan had made it abundantly clear that it was time to move on.
So, I walked toward the door, unwaveringly, trying not to show any sign of my distress. The aggravation he had caused made my head hurt and my ankle pulse with the rushing blood. However, I wasn’t going to show Johnathan any of that. I was done trying to figure him out.
I was done with him.
After all, how could he possibly do that to anyone, let alone a person who has tried to be nothing but nice to him.
Sure, he saved my life and I owed him a great debt for that, but I wasn’t about to exchange one form of abuse for another. I wasn’t going to be a martyr for a cause that I knew nothing about, simply so that he could pretend he isn’t attracted to me.
I knew the truth and while I wished he would see past his insecurities and trust me enough to let me in, I couldn’t make him do anything. I was sick of trying to figure out how to please him when all he seemed interested in was making me feel bad for one decision. I didn’t deserve that, and I wasn’t going to stand for him implying that I was a whore.
I had far more self-respect than that and there was no way in hell I was going to let him take that away.
When I opened the door and stepped out into the cool, mountain air, I drew in a deep breath, before moving forward and shutting the door behind me.
I limped away from the cabin and as I did, I heard the door opened and Johnathan’s voice call, in a slightly desperate manner, “Carrie! Come back! You can’t go out there like that! You still need to heal!”
I heard footsteps behind me and I quickened my pace. I wasn’t going to let him find me and talk me back into being trapped in the cabin with him for another second.
I had resolved that there was absolutely nothing I could do right, or to help him get over whatever it was that plagued him. While I wished things were different, I couldn’t help him change if he wasn’t wiling to put forth the effort, so there was nothing more I could do.
“Come on, Carrie…” Johnathan called, somewhat contritely, from only a few feet behind me, “I know you’re not ready to leave…You might get hurt.”
Knowing that it was only a moment more before he found me, I whipped around and screamed back into the woods, “I don’t need you! I never have!”
Instantly, I saw Jake break through the thicket that surrounded me, wagging his tail, and running toward me, happy that he was able to track me down. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“No!” I insisted, putting my arms up to signal I didn’t want him to go any closer. “Go home!”
Jake stopped and backed up slightly but tilted his head as though he didn’t understand.
“You heard me, go home!”
I felt bad for being so mean to Jake, but I didn’t want to go back to the cabin and if I went with Jake, I knew that was exactly where I’d end up.
“Go home!” I repeated, and the dog ducked down and whined, as though he was hurt by the way I was acting.
He whined.
“Stop it!” I hissed, as Johnathan broke through, into view.
“Carrie, come on! Let’s talk about this. You could fall…It’s so easy to get lost…”
“What do you care? You pushed me away. Congratulations. You’ve done exactly what you wanted to do. Doesn’t it feel great? Aren’t you happy that you were able to treat me so badly, that I would rather brave the wilderness than spending even one more day with you?”
Jonathan staggered back, as though he was genuinely regretting what he had done. However, it didn’t mean much to me now. Even if he had seen the error in his ways, I was done with trying to please him.”
“It’s okay, though, because you don’t really care. You’re far more concerned with convincing yourself that humanity has wronged you so badly, that you can’t ever fathom trusting anyone again, so why would you care about me? I am part of what you hate. You should be pleased with yourself.”
“Carrie, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean for you to leave…”
“Oh, I don’t know, I think you made it pretty clear when you told me to leave. It was either that or lie to you, which I think would be substantially worse. You can lie to yourself, that’s fine but I’m not going to placate your delusions. You’re not happy here. You don’t want to be here and whatever it is, you’re running from it and aren’t man enough to face…anything. You hide up here like a child hides under their covers, thinking that the world will never find you, but the world is all around you. You can’t escape it and the fact that you think you can, makes you even more pathetic.”
Johnathan didn’t move, and Jake sat between us, looking from one to the other with a sense of panic on his face. It was clear that he was upset the tension that was between us and he wanted to fix it.
Johnathan was quiet for a moment, but eventually sighed heavily, “Can we go back to the cabin? Please…I want to talk to you about this but I’d rather not talk about it here.”
I had given him the chance. He could’ve apologized. I might have even accepted him simply agreeing that I was right. However, he couldn’t even do that. He simply wanted me to come back with him.
“No, Johnathan. I’m not coming back with you. I’m done trying. I’m ready to…go back to my life, as you put it. Don’t try to stop me again. I’ve made my decision.”
With that, I turned around and started walking toward the direction I believed the rangers station was.
My plan was to reach the ranger’s station and get medical assistance there, in addition to transportation down the mountain.
Behind me, I heard huffing and aggravated moans coming from Johnathan. This was followed by a clapping of four paws, before Johnathan’s voice called Jake back and they both started to walk in the opposite direction.
When I finally felt it was safe to look back, without being caught, I saw that they had both disappeared back into the mountainous terrain and I was left alone.
Part of me was relieved, while part of me was even more hurt than before. I wasn’t sure what I had expected of him, but now that I had found out, I wasn’t sure if I should use this as fuel for another reason I should get away from him as quick as possible or respect him for doing as I had asked of him.
After all, he had come after me. I was the one who told him not to and I had meant it…I think.
Dragging myself out of the dredges of my own mind, I shook my head and started down the mountain again.
By now, my ankle was starting to hurt, though it wasn’t in horrible pain. It was more of a sharp stab that dulled as soon as the weight was lifted off it.
I grumbled with aggravation as I tried to force myself to press on. I told myself that it should only take a few hours to reach the ranger’s station and if I needed to,
I could rest.
I realized there was danger all around, but I had intended on camping on the mountain anyway. Now, it would simply be a better indication of my skills. If I survived I did good, if I died, I told myself it wouldn’t matter anyway.
I tried to laugh at my joke, trying to keep my darker thoughts on the more lighthearted side, but it was far too close to home to be funny.
I wanted to believe that everything was going to be alright, but logic told me that the odds were largely against me.
There were plenty of able-bodied people who went into the mountains and never returned; I wasn’t sure how my bum leg and I were supposed to fair. One wrong step would send me hurtling to my doom.
I continued anyway and walked for what seemed like an eternity but was probably close to a few hours.
By this time, my ankle was on fire and my head was starting to pound. I didn’t have any water and I was starting to get extremely hungry.
Through my fit of anger, I hadn’t thought this out too well and it was about now that I was coming to this realization.
I stopped and sat on a log, trying to gather my thoughts and strength for the journey ahead.
Unfortunately, when I looked up in the sky, I was horrified to find that it was getting dark. I decided that my newfound fear had a lot to do with everything that had happened to me recently, but regardless of the reason, I was terrified of being alone.
