“You’re making me nervous.”
She spun around. “What!”
“Why are you killing the messenger? I’m not even giving you bad news. There was never anything between us except fraternal love. Yitzchak was not gay. So calm down.”
She flopped into a kitchen chair. “I’m not handling this right.” She looked at him. “You know, Bram. I don’t think I ever really thanked you—”
“You thanked me.”
“No, I didn’t—”
“We’re getting sidetracked. I spent an entire night in tortured self-reflection on this. Can you please let me finish?”
“I’m sorry. Go on.”
“Mazel tov. Where was I?”
“Your vague feelings didn’t get in the way of your friendship with my late husband.”
“Right.” He continued his narrative. “It wasn’t until later…after Yitzy died…during that too brief time we saw each other…that I was able to interpret my sexual feelings for what they were.”
He sat back down at the table, avoided her eyes. “With all my heart, I believe in Jesus’ words as holy. I wouldn’t be much of a priest if I didn’t. Both of our religions forbid adultery. It is the sixth commandment of my law, the seventh of yours. The Savior, Jesus Christ…”
He hesitated.
“My savior, Jesus Christ, has also amended the commandment to condemn desire. He teaches us that lusting for another man’s wife is equivalent to adultery of the heart. And back then, as a newly graduated seminarian, His words were something I took very seriously.”
He paused to collect his thoughts.
“I know that in this day and age, it’s fashionable to minimalize…even romanticize adultery. Follow your heart and damned be the consequences. In truth, betrayal is a horrible, destructive beast…damaging everything in its path…those who betray…and those betrayed.”
He glanced at her, looked away.
“It absolutely destroys self-esteem…crushes and flattens it like asphalt under a steamroller. In my case, it was particularly hurtful…because I was two-timed by my identical twin. I don’t know what Dana’s motivation was. But I did know her problem with me couldn’t have been lack of a physical attraction. Because she traded me for my mirror image. So I was left to think that there had been something terribly wrong with me personally.”
“There was nothing wrong with you, Bram,” Rina said gently. “You were all kids. And kids do dumb things.”
“Of course. And I absolutely bear no ill will to Dana.”
He stood, again walking over to the open door.
“As far as Luke goes, I love my brother very much. I’d do anything for him. Forgiveness was never the problem. It’s the forgetting. Because try as I may to forget, I can still viscerally remember how much it hurt.”
Rina sighed. “You always talked about it in such a detached way. I never knew how much you were suffering.”
“I don’t even know why I told you about it in the first place. It must have just…slipped out during one of our marathon discussions. The hurt might have come and gone had the situation not been complicated by Dana’s pregnancy, which necessitated a confession to my folks.”
“What a mess!”
“A mess, a disaster, a fiasco, an ordeal…all of the above.” He raised his brows. “Up until then, I had always thought that, no matter what, I was safe from my father’s wrath. So there I was, too embarrassed to admit to anyone that I’d been screwed over by my own brother, ashamed that I wasn’t the kind of guy I thought I should have been, taking the blame for something I didn’t do. And there was my father…ready to throw me to the wolves.”
Bram let out a small laugh.
“Imagine what Dad would have done to Luke had he found out the truth. The doctor’s vituperative tongue gave me a lot of empathy for what my brothers had been going through.”
“Your father adored you.”
“Yes, in the end, I believe he did. And for all his faults, I adored him as well. But this is all beside the point.”
He licked his lips.
“Like I said, these hazy sexual feelings came on after I met Yitzchak and left after he died. But, in fact, what I’d experienced hadn’t been exclusive feelings for him. They were feelings for you, Rina. But being as you were a married woman, and the thought of adultery—even adultery of the heart—was so odious to me back then, I simply transferred them onto what I perceived was a less sinful target. Which was your husband. Easier for me to think of myself as gay than as an adulterer.”
Rina looked at him. “And I’m to believe that?”
“You know how much I loved you…God, how I loved you.” As he smiled, his cheeks pinkened. “Hard to fake that kind of ardor.”
“You loved Yitzy as well.”
“Yes, I did.” Bram appeared thoughtful. “I’m a priest. I’m allowed to have a confused sexual orientation.”
Rina started to talk, but laughed instead. “Abram Matthew, I don’t believe you said that!”
“I’ll wash my mouth out with soap.” Bram was pensive. “It’s all irrelevant now. Since taking my orders, I’ve remained a faithful servant to my Lord, Christ. And what I feel in my heart toward you, Yitzchak, my family, or anyone else is strictly between God and me.”
She eyed him. “So what about the magazines?”
Slowly, Bram fixed his gaze upon her face. “The press has inferred a gay angle because of Reggie. But even they don’t know about the magazines. How’d you find out?”
Rina blushed, looked away.
Bram said, “Your husband wouldn’t have told you. What’d you do, Mrs. Decker? Put your ear to the keyhole?”
“Actually, I just picked up the phone extension…”
No one spoke.
Rina said, “You were in trouble. I couldn’t just…look the other way. You wouldn’t have done any less.”
“I appreciate it.” Bram laughed. “You know why God fashioned woman from Adam’s rib—”
“I know the story. I don’t need an ethics lecture.”
“Especially not from a murder suspect.”
“That’s not funny!” Rina locked eyes with him. “You didn’t murder Reggie. But do you know who did?”
“If I did, why would I hold back?”
“You’re protecting someone.”
“I’m a priest, Mrs. Decker. I’ve an out called a sacramental seal. Believe me, I’d hide behind it if I could.”
“So you don’t know?”
“Didn’t I just say that?”
“Not exactly.” She kept eye contact. “The magazines, Father Sparks. Whose are they?”
He didn’t speak for a long time. Then he said, “I wish I could tell you differently, but the magazines are mine.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“That’s your prerogative.”
“Who are you covering for?”
“It’s a CIA conspiracy.”
“Why do you have a safe in your apartment?”
Bram furrowed his brow. “You must have listened in for a long time.”
“Sorry, but I left my guilt back at the market. Father, heal thyself. Talk to me, for goodness sakes!”
Bram was silent, pushed hair out of his eyes.
“I’m waiting,” Rina said, tapping her foot.
“Why do I have a safe…” Bram’s voice was a whisper. “Because I got held up at gunpoint three years ago—”
“Oh my God, that’s awful!”
“It was on a Friday night, after one of our big church fund-raisers. There was a lot of cash and I was alone in the rectory, the veritable sitting duck. Afterward, I figured cash was more secure in my apartment safe than in a church. Sign of the times.”
“I never heard about it, read about it.”
“I never told anyone. I replaced the cash from my own pocket and kept quiet. Hard enough bringing people into the fold. I’m not about to broadcast news that scares people away from God.”
He looked at his watch.
/>
“I know Fridays are busy for you. Thanks for being so generous with your time.”
“Cut the formalities, please. You’re always welcome in my home, Abram. You will always be welcome in my home. Anytime, anywhere. No matter what!”
“And you, Rina Miriam, are a righteous woman. More than that, you’re a spectacular friend whom I still dearly love. If I had more time, I’d get all mushy on you.”
“Stay for a moment. Have a cup of coffee.”
“Unfortunately, I can’t. I have a meeting with my parish board. My regional bishop is going to be there.”
Rina sighed. “What do they want?”
“Explanations, I imagine. In theory, they’re entitled to them. Too bad they’re all going to walk away disappointed. So be it. I humbly submit to God’s will.” He smiled. “Thank you for listening to me…far less painful than true confession.”
Rina paused. “Are you sorry you became a priest?”
“No, Rina. I’m not sorry at all. Yesterday I was crazed. I blurted out things in frustration. Going to Rome—becoming ordained—was the best thing that had ever happened to me.”
He looked down, his face rosy with heat.
“One of the best things. And I’m so grateful that you were an instrumental part of it. We both had other destinies to follow. I pray that you’re as happy with your choice as I am with mine.”
She looked at the priest. “I love him with all my heart, Bram.”
“I know you do. And everyone knows the feelings are reciprocated. The Lieutenant isn’t very subtle.”
Rina stared at him. “Are we talking about the same man?”
“Yes, we are.”
“My Peter?”
“Yes, your Peter. Trust me, Rina, I know these things. If he were any more overt about his love for you, he’d be wearing his heart on a sandwich board instead of his sleeve. I’m very happy for you. For the boys as well. Your family is a gift from God.”
“So we both have things to be thankful about.”
“True.” But his face was pale, sketched with worry lines. Rina wanted to hold him, comfort him as he had done with her. But that was impossible. Different places, different times.
“Are you going to be all right, Bram?”
“Who knows?” He shrugged. “God gave Abraham ten trials. Let’s see how Abram does with one.”
29
If the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, Rina had a monopoly on cardiac tissue. By five o’clock Sunday evening, the entire house had become aromatic with the scents of savory herbs, onions, and garlic. Evocative smells. Of Decker’s bimonthly childhood Sunday dinners. A rotating affair with the relatives. His mother toiling in the kitchen, wet with heat, a starched apron covering her best black dress, a small strand of pearls around her upright neck. The men in her life—Decker’s father, his brother Randy, and him, sitting at the table, stiff in ill-fitting suits. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. As soon as the food was served, things began to loosen up. The adults conversing, kids acting like kids, good times…
He entered the kitchen. Rina’s face was damp, her hair falling down her back in a neat, compact braid. She wore a free-flowing cotton maroon dress that ended midcalf, with midelbow sleeves. Her feet were housed in flats. Though simply dressed, she was still a stunner.
He said, “Looks like you only made enough for the U.S. Army. What do I tell the Navy when it shows up?”
“Funny.” Rina stirred a pot of soup. “I know I cooked too much for five adults. But it’ll freeze.”
“You need a taste tester?”
“You’re volunteering for the assignment? What a jewel you are, Peter.”
“It’s a nasty job, but someone’s got to do it.”
Rina gave him a spoonful of soup. Split pea with beef marrow bones. Decker’s taste buds were in heaven. “Good.”
“Thank you.”
“This looks like enough for me. What are the others going to eat?”
Rina hit him, returned her attention to the rack of lamb in the oven, basted the riblets with a mustard seed-honey sauce. She stood, wiped her hands on a towel. “Why did you invite Marge over?”
“Just to be friendly. Why?”
“You weren’t planning to discuss your cases?”
Decker paused. “Maybe something’ll come up in passing. But that wasn’t the purpose of the invitation. Are you worried we’ll say things in front of the boys?”
“No, of course not.” She checked on the pilaf and turned down the fire.
Decker approached her from behind, wrapped his arms around her waist, kissed her neck. “No talk about work tonight, okay?”
She turned to him. “I’ve got a confession to make.”
He loosened his grip on her. “This sounds ominous.”
“I saw Bram last Friday,” she said. “Actually, I saw him on Thursday, too. But that was a very short visit. First time, I came to see him. Second time, he came here.”
Decker looked at her. “Here.”
Rina nodded.
“Here meaning the house?” he said.
“Yes.”
“Entertaining a murder suspect on the chief investigator’s premises.” He dropped his arms to his side. “That’ll sit well with my boss.”
“He’s not a suspect. You released him.”
“I did nothing of the sort,” Decker snapped. “He posted bail.”
“Well, you’re the one who lowered his bail.”
“Rina, he’s still a suspect! You had no right—”
“Please don’t be mad.”
“You promised no interference!” he said.
“Yes, I did.”
“You broke your promise, Rina! How could you do that?”
“You know, according to Jewish law, a husband can nullify his wife’s promises.”
“What?”
“A husband can nullify vows and/or oaths made by his wife. Which means you can absolve me of my promise.” She frowned. “I don’t really know if you can do it ex post facto.” She smiled. “But I’m willing if you’re willing.”
“Stop it. I’m not in the mood for games.”
“You can be mad. Just say you nullify my oaths. At least, I won’t have the sin of breaking my vow—my shevuah. Or is it a neder?”
“Oh, for chrissakes!” Decker stomped out the back door. Rina followed him to the stables. Decker picked up a pitchfork.
“Peter, you’re in good slacks and a white shirt.”
“The animals won’t mind if I go formal,” he said angrily.
“Peter, c’mon!”
Decker ripped open a bale. “Uh, excuse me. Could you kindly move unless you want a face full of hay.”
“Can I just talk to you?”
“First move.”
Rina moved. “Can you put down the pitchfork?”
“No.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“Fine.” He jabbed the fork into the packed bundle and loosened the yellow reeds. “You’re absolved of your promise. Now, can I get a little solitude, please.”
“Don’t you even want to know why I went to see him?”
“Not particularly.”
“Don’t you want to know what we talked about?”
Decker began tossing a fresh layer of hay over the stalls’ floor, trying to feign apathy. But he was curious. In a bored tone, he said, “If you talk, maybe I’ll listen.”
“I can’t talk to you while you’re working.”
“Then you’ll wait.”
“Oh, you’re impossible!” She turned on her heel and marched back into the house.
Decker threw down the fork and trailed her footsteps. “I’m impossible? I’m impossible? Last I heard, I didn’t break any promises. I didn’t compromise anyone’s job—”
“I didn’t compromise your job—”
“Yes, you did, Rina. The long and the short of it is yes, you did.”
“This is what I get for being honest.”
“No,
this is what you get for being dishonest and breaking a promise.”
She turned to him, eyes blazing with passion. “I couldn’t let him…sink, Peter! You don’t do that to a friend!”
“Your loyalty is to me—”
“Loyalty to your job versus the life of a human being? Thank you very much, I’ll pick a human being.”
Decker lashed out. “Why are you putting yourself and my job on the line for this guy? Traditionally, you only do things like that for people you love.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes boring into his. “Just what are you really asking me, Peter. Why don’t you just spit it out?”
Decker took a deep breath, held it, let it out slowly. “I’m not asking you anything, all right?” He looked at his shirt, soaked with sweat. “I’d better go change.”
Rina licked her lips. “Wait a second. I’m not done. I’ve got another confession.”
He stared at her, mouth agape. “There’s more?”
“Unfortunately yes. I’ve eavesdropped on one of your phone conversations…the one where you conferenced with Marge and Scott Oliver. I know about Bram’s safe…and the magazines.”
Decker continued to stare. “Anything else?”
“No…that’s about it.” She smiled weakly. “Looks like I’ll have a busy Yom Kippur.”
Decker closed his mouth, ran his tongue along his cheek. “Whatever your reasons were, your behavior was inexcusable, Rina.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t cut it, babe.” He walked away.
Rina turned to her cooking, her eyes wet with tears. She shoved open the oven door and painted the meat with more sauce. Everything looked wonderful, smelled delicious. She had no appetite.
The doorbell rang.
Great.
She took off her apron, but left her hair uncovered. It was only Marge. She opened the door and tried to keep the smile on her face. At Marge’s side was Scott Oliver.
“He followed me home,” Marge said. “Think you can throw him a bone?”
“I think we can actually feed him,” Rina answered. “Come on in. Both of you. Delighted to see you, Detective.”
“Hello, Mrs. Decker.” Oliver held out a bouquet of spring flowers. “Thank you for your gracious hospitality.”
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