by Simone Elise
Hannah might have been terrified before, but right now Dad was the one looking terrified.
She placed the medical kit down, and gently lifted his arm, examining it. I think Dad was too scared to even move or blink. The fact that Hannah was near him right now—well, it was unbelievable.
I could see by the expression on Dad’s face he was trying to think of something to say to her, to break the silence between them as she looked at his bullet wound intently.
“Through and through. No sign of bone damage. Bacterial infection is high though. Were you wearing clothing covering it when shot?” Hannah spoke up to him. I think we were all in shock—Hannah spoke to Dad! She actually asked him a question.
Like all of us, Dad was shocked and didn’t know what to say.
“Were you wearing clothing over this when shot?” Hannah repeated her question when Dad didn’t answer her. Her eyes went off the wound and she looked up at Dad. I knew it was physically hurting her to look at him right now—she told me she couldn’t do it. Yet here she was because Dad was hurt.
Dad finally answered her question by shaking his head.
“Good. No foreign partials will be in the wound which will decrease the wound infection rate. However, from what I can see, you might have nerve damage.” She looked back up at him. “The nervous system, however, can recover quickly. It needs to be cleaned. The bullet itself is sterile; however, your skin going through the wound is what causes the infection. So antibiotics for the first two weeks is important, and keeping it clean. Which means changing the bandage twice a day, and reapplying disinfection cream to it.”
Hannah straightened up and glanced at Mum. “Can you clean this up or do you want me to?”
Mum had tears in her eyes and looked speechless. Hannah was just blowing out all our expectations of her. We all knew she was smart. We all knew she was heading into medicine or whatever related field she picked.
We all knew when we got hurt she was the one to go to get fixed up.
But this was the first time she had explained it to us out loud. And what was really scary was it sounded like she knew what she was talking about.
“Hannah, how, how do you know all that?” Eve said what we were all thinking.
Hannah had just spoken like she was a doctor- not a sixteen-year-old.
“I can tell by the direction of the bullet, the opening of the wound, the amount of blood loss.” Hannah lifted Dad’s arm just slightly, bending it gently. “The movement in the arm, the direction of the bullet, the likelihood of it hitting the nerves. This was close contact. I can tell that by the blood loss and damage to the skin.”
She was leaving us all speechless.
“It needs to be cleaned and disinfected and covered.” Hannah’s eyes went to Mum. “Tight and firm with the bandage and change it twice a day.”
Mum nodded her head. I think, like us, she didn’t know what to say.
“Gee, Hannah, it sounds like you really know what you are talking about. Has anyone told you that you would be great in the medical field?” Andrea was the one to actually speak. The rest of us, it would seem, didn’t know what to say.
Hannah looked over her shoulder at Andrea. “I’ve been offered two places to study medicine next year. I guess I draw attention to myself doing extra credit work.”
“So, do you study how to handle a bullet wound often?” Andrea asked.
“I just know the basics. Trust me, I don’t know everything yet.” Hannah’s attention was back on Dad’s arm. “I just know what is life-threatening and what isn’t. This bullet wound isn’t causing physical incapacitations, meaning it hasn’t hit a major blood supply or critical organ. And well, we all know Dad wouldn’t have a psychological incapacitation. Which is when your mind decides it is life-threatening and shuts down due to fright and fear.”
I always knew she was smart. She was always studying, so why was I so shocked that she knew all that? Her eyes were still on Dad’s arm, but Dad’s eyes were on her bruising cheek. He went to touch her and Hannah must have realized what he was about to do cause she dropped his arm and took a step back.
“Hannah…” Dad started to speak to her but she was quickly shaking her head. She didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say.
She exhaled slowly, her eyes on him. “I need time.” Her words were short, forced and she backed away.
I knew that was exactly what Dad didn’t want. He wanted to fix the damage. Time usually made things worse. Time could cause Hannah to withdraw completely from the family. But she was still here, so that said something, right?
She turned around and headed toward me, leaving Dad standing there.
Hannah gave me a slight smile and she headed for the stairs.
“What about our birthday?” Eve spoke to her, causing Hannah to pause on the bottom step.
“Yeah, Hannah, we still haven’t got you anything, while your sister has bought nearly every store out,” Mum spoke quickly after Eve.
Hannah’s eyes were on the ground. She didn’t seem to care.
“Come on, Nice, there must be something you want. Even you have things you want.” I nudged her, trying to get her to open up a little before taking off upstairs and disappearing from us for the night. Or maybe forever. Who knew what she was thinking…
“What about that party you two wanted? Have you given that any more thought, Hannah?” Dad tried to talk to her. I think he would cave on the whole ‘no teenagers in my bar’ thing, if it meant Hannah got the birthday she wanted.
“I can have anything?” Hannah’s voice was low and she lifted her eyes slowly in time to see Mum and Dad nodding their heads and Eve grinning, thinking Hannah was going to get her the party she wanted.
“Anything, Hannah, you name it and it’s yours.” Dad was speaking softly to her but was firm. I think he would give Hannah anything she asked for.
I think everyone’s hopes went up, as if a material present would somehow get Hannah back.
“In that case…” She looked at them. “…I want to be left alone. That’s all I want.” She clenched the textbook tighter. “If you all could manage that, that would be great.” And then she turned and headed up the stairs.
All she wanted for seventeenth birthday was to be left alone? I watched her disappear up the stairs. She might still be here but the damage was done. Just because she hadn’t run didn’t mean she was going to still be a part of this family.
We all heard her door close.
I couldn’t stop the long sigh from coming out. It was going to be a long battle. I looked at Dad. I hoped he was willing to have her ignoring him for a year, like Mum had. Hannah was a lot like Mum. Not just when it came to studying, but when it came to feelings. They usually acted the same.
So I wouldn’t be surprised if Hannah blocked us all out of her of her life.
“Babe, maybe we should go?” Andrea said to Brad, who was still glaring at Dad.
Brad shrugged her hand off his shoulder and got up, leaving and disappearing through the dining room.
“Well, she didn’t leave,” Eve sighed. “That means something, right?” Eve looked at us for answers.
Dad was staring down at the carpet. He knew her being here didn’t mean he would ever get her back. The relationship he had had with Hannah was gone and there wasn’t a high chance he would be able to rebuild another one with her.
We all knew that. Even Eve—though right now she was hoping that one of us would say that Hannah would be fine come morning. That Hannah would be back to doing Eve’s school work and helping Dad with his bookwork on one of his laptops that she would normally stop him from throwing in frustration. Hannah was the only one in the family that understood what Mum did, and also what she taught.
Brad reappeared and had ice in a tea towel. I frowned; he didn’t think he could go see her, did he?
He walked through the lounge room, ignoring Andrea’s confused look.
“I think when she s
aid she wanted to be left alone, Brad, she meant from all of us,” I said to Brad. But he just walked past me and up the stairs, ignoring me and what Hannah wanted.
Chapter Eighteen
Hannah
I went to my desk. Eve’s work, which I had finished, was still open. I pushed it to the side. Moving it caused me to glance at the paperwork below it.
I looked down at the doctor’s recommendation. It was in their opinion that surgery was needed now and they didn’t want to wait till the end of the radiation. They believed the tumor may get smaller by radiation but they still believed I would need surgery.
I couldn’t handle it. Not right now. I dropped my textbook over it. All I wanted to do was hide. Hide from my family. Hide from the cancer. Hide from everything.
I wasn’t feeling strong. I was feeling weak. My hand went to my jaw and cheek. I knew it wasn’t just tissue damage. I wasn’t stupid. Tyson’s concerns saying it needed to get checked—well, he was right.
I was positive it was fractured. But I just didn’t care. The pain was all-consuming. Still, I wasn’t heading for the hospital. I knew I deserved this pain. I deserved it for pushing Dad to the point he’d snapped and also for lying to my family.
I ran my fingers gingerly over my cheek. I heard a knock on my door and I wanted to groan. I literally couldn’t put up a front. I couldn’t pretend I was okay. I tried. I really tried. But now I just needed to be left alone.
I was exhausted and sore. My breast was burning. My jaw and cheek were swelling, bruising, and shooting pain through my body. And my mouth kept filling with blood- which was a sure sign my jaw was fractured.
I stood up, reaching for the hem of my jumper and taking it off. I forgot all about the knock on the door. I just wanted to go to sleep. I think the whole lack of sleep last night was catching up with me, plus the exhaustion from treatment.
I unzipped my jeans, pushing them down. I just wanted bed. Sleep. Maybe tomorrow I could face the mess my life was turning into. My eyes glanced up and I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror.
I took a step closer. The more I looked the more I knew I was never going to be the same. The bruising and the swelling would one day disappear. Even the rash on my breast would go away one day.
But I felt I had lost everything I had never known, and now things were never going to be the same.
I picked up the hoodie I had gotten out of Tatz’s car, the one I always slept in, and was putting it on when my door opened.
I pulled it down in time to see Brad standing there in the doorway.
Had I not made it clear I wanted to be by myself? I didn’t know what he was planning on saying. I still couldn’t believe what I had nearly cost him. Andrea was a beautiful woman, and she would make a great wife and mother. She was everything a guy like Brad should want.
Brad wasn’t like a stereotypical biker. He didn’t use women.
I saw the ice in the tea towel. I guessed he was feeling uncomfortable being here. Should I take it off him so he could leave? Maybe I should. But that involved getting closer to him. I didn’t want to do that.
I still didn’t trust myself to be near him. Especially when I felt this weak and vulnerable. I might do something stupid like break down in front of him. The tears weren’t far away. Everything was getting to me—my situation, what happened, the cancer, the pain—everything was getting the best of me.
He needed to leave. And I didn’t even have the energy to tell him that, so I stepped out of my jeans, and turned my back to him, shutting down my laptop. I just needed sleep.
I also needed him to leave before I broke down. I knew my body was running on nearly empty now and the emotions were coming and soon I wouldn’t be able to stop them overcoming me.
“I bought you that jumper.”
I pinched my eyes shut for a minute, keeping my back to him. I heard the pain and guilt in his voice. And he wasn’t even talking about what happened. He was just stating a fact. He had bought me that jumper and I think I had slept in it nearly every night since. Though I had been without it for a week cause I left it in Tatz’s car.
I slowly turned around and went to give him a smile but it fucking hurt so my hand went to my jaw and cheek again. I knew the pain was only going to get worse as it went into the healing process.
He was in front of me within a blink of the eye. I couldn’t stop the hiss coming out of my mouth when he applied the ice.
It was an automatic reaction to pull my face away from him. But like he knew I was going to do it, he had his other hand on the side of my head; his fingers in my hair, gently keeping my head in place.
I clenched my eyes shut; god, I think it was more painful having ice applied. I knew ice might bring down the swelling, maybe help with the bruising. So tomorrow my cheek and jaw mightn’t be completely black from bruising.
Brad took the ice away and I sighed in relief.
“We need to talk, Hannah.” Brad’s tone had a seriousness to it. “But I know now is not the right time.”
I knew there was never going to be a ‘right time’ to have the conversation Brad wanted to have.
“I think I made it very clear earlier, Brad. I meant it when I said I was only going to make your life harder.” I opened my eyes. “What we did last night was a mistake and could have cost you your wife.”
Here I was thinking I couldn’t be in any more pain and then I thought of Andrea becoming Brad’s wife and my heart cracked a little bit more open. Who knew after everything today that it was possible for my heart to crack anymore?
He didn’t say anything. Which I think was a good thing because it was going to give me a chance to remind him of some facts.
“She loves you. And you love her. I nearly cost you her. What we did last night—heck, Brad, I am so sorry. I should never have put you in that position.” I shook my head and it caused pain to spill through my body. But right now I couldn’t focus on the pain. I had to make sure Brad knew I was sorry. “We are going back to that rule of us not being by ourselves. We need to put that back in place. I’ll, um, stay out of your way.”
That was all I had to say. I was letting Brad go. I had to. He deserved a wife and kids and having a woman as stunning as Andrea.
He was still holding the ice close to my face and he needed to leave. My hand went to the ice and I took it from him.
“Thanks for the ice, Brad. You should go.” I forced a smile even though it hurt. I guess when it came down it, even if it hurt me I still wanted to make Brad feel okay about ending it with me. If a smile helped him accept it then I would give him a smile, even if it did physically hurt me.
Brad’s eyes didn’t lift from mine. If anything, his eyes got more intense and he stepped in closer to me, lowering his head just slightly while holding my eyes.
“I broke up with Andrea.”
What? What did he just say? I opened my mouth to question him on it.
“I told her there was someone else.” He spoke before I could question him. “Because there is.” His words were softer. “I want to make this clear, Hannah. I liked Andrea but I love you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I’m pretty sure it showed clearly on my face. I tried to think of words to string together. “But she came with you tonight.” I didn’t understand. “You came here together as a couple.”
I hated being confused. I liked being able to think and see things clearly. My body was flooded with confusion as well as frustration for not understanding the situation.
“Trust me, I didn’t want to. Especially after the bitch threw all my shit out of my room.” Brad let out a frustrated sigh. Sounded like his day hadn’t gone smoothly. “I always told her I didn’t want to be serious.”
“Everyone saw her as your woman.” I wasn’t the only woman to think of her as his. Everyone did, even my parents. “Brad, you can’t just break up with Andrea because we had sex. That doesn’t make sense.” I quickly started to talk him out of the si
tuation. “You can’t be serious right now. Andrea is wife material! I’m…I’m a fling. Someone you sleep with once. Usually a drunken mistake!”
Brad started shaking his head. “You didn’t fucking hear me. I don’t want Andrea, nor have I ever wanted her to be a wife. I liked Andrea—I love you. You aren’t a fling.” He placed the ice on the desk and his hand, which was cold, went to my cheek, gently, barely touching it. “Hannah, I was serious when I said I want a label on you. I’ve never ever wanted to put a label on a woman as much as I do you.”
I opened my mouth again to speak.
“I want you and I never give up on something I want or someone I love. So even if you want to be with someone else, I’m still not giving up.” His hands went off my face and to my waist, pulling me into him. “I know it is fucked up. I know it might be the last thing you want. But I can’t let go of you.”
I saw the pained expression on his face, and I opened my mouth again to speak.
“If you only want me as a friend, I’ll do it, Hannah. Fuck, I’ll do anything to be in your life. I want you as mine but I also know how fucked up it is. So I’ll settle to just be your friend. If that’s all you want me as.” His words were coming out rushed. And I went to open my mouth again to speak and he went to cut me off, so I put my finger over his lips.
I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t believe Brad was standing in front of me right now, saying he’d broken up with Andrea. But right now he looked and sounded to be in a state of panic.
“You sound upset, Brad.” I ignored all the things he’d said, even the bomb of him loving me. I had to acknowledge the state he was in. “Your breathing, the way you are speaking and your body language all tells me right now you’re upset.”
“Of course I’m fucking upset!” His voice went up, and all I could hear was anger. “I just saw you get belted across the face by a man that is known for knocking men out with one punch!” He shook his head and his grip on me tightened. “When I saw you drop and I picked you up, I was expecting you to be unconscious.”
