by Jude Sierra
“Yeah,” Reid says. New location, new triggers. He hadn’t thought of it that way. This should have been obvious.
“I want you to talk to Dr. Michaelson, even if it’s just an email, so you both can be prepared to talk about options for medication changes if you continue to experience rapid cycling or mixed states. Remember that we are both available in emergencies at all times.”
“Me too,” Rachel chimes in. Reid shakes his head. He’s not in any immediate danger, unless stupidity and inability to hold himself together like a normal person are a danger. He says as much.
“Reid, I want you to listen to me,” Nancy says. “You are a normal person. We all are. We all have brains that work differently, that’s all. You guys have been handed challenges. But you are worthy of happiness and health and help.”
Thirteen
“Hey,” Joaquim says when Reid opens the door. He moves to kiss Reid’s cheeks and then stops. Reid is still over the threshold, and his eyes are tired. His smile is bright, though, and he comes to Joaquim, kissing him quickly on the cheek and going adorably red. He’s wearing a vibrant blue graphic T-shirt with almost invisible palm fronds printed on it. Joaquim’s never seen him wear anything this colorful. Despite the pop of color, this boy, reckless and teasing a few days ago, is now all downcast eyes circled with exhaustion.
“Hey, yourself,” he says. He locks the door and turns to Joaquim. “Where are we going?”
“I thought we could have lunch. There’s a place down in Islamorada with Cuban food. Unless you don’t like it?”
“Never had it,” Reid says, giving him another smile. “I’m open to any and all new foods.”
“Any?” Joaquim says, opening Reid’s door for him.
“Yeah. I’m pretty food-adventurous. I’ve eaten things I hated, but at least I can say I took that chance.”
Joaquim settles into his seat and turns the radio down when he turns the car on.
“You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to,” Reid says. “I want to hear what you like.”
“Oh?” Joaquim leans his head on the headrest and turns toward Reid. Now their eye contact shifts their almost-shy, not-sure-where-we-stand energy to confidence, heat, knowing.
“I want to know you,” Reid says. He takes Joaquim’s hand, but then lets go. “Sorry.”
Joaquim takes Reid’s hand. Nina’s car, which he’s borrowed again, doesn’t have air conditioning; though the windows are down, it’s very hot. Reid’s hand is warm. Reid startles a bit when Joaquim kisses him, but meets him halfway for the second one and kisses him back. Joaquim’s stomach grumbles, which is a shame, because with Reid’s lips on his, he’s tempted to ask if they can go inside. Reid’s desire to know Joaquim isn’t one-sided, though. Joaquim doesn’t just want this boy; he wants to learn him, too.
“All right, let’s go. Nature is calling you toward the Cuban food.” Reid laughs and leans back; his posture is looser, and his tension has uncoiled in the wake of touch. Maybe that’s what he needs, sometimes. In the water, in their classes, and on dives, Reid is one of his most unflappable divers. Out of the water, Reid is someone else completely.
“How much time do you have today?” Reid asks over the wind rattling in through the windows.
“Nina took my shift as a thanks for taking her dive. We’re not supposed to do that, but Mike is cool with us. The rules are sometimes…” Joaquim breaks off. He doesn’t want to complain when he’s been given a great opportunity. Before Reid, he’s seldom had reason to complain other than exhaustion. He’s coming to resent the moments he could be with Reid but has to work instead. Silence lingers before Reid turns the radio up, loud, to be heard over the wind.
Lunch is delicious. Reid has a lot of questions about places on the islands he can go, the ones Joaquim knows of because he’s been here long enough to explore and discover. Joaquim has friends to explore with, so he wonders how lonely Reid must be sometimes. Loneliness is a familiar language, a longing for family and home Joaquim can’t shake. It’s saudade; a word with no good English equivalent. A lovely aching nostalgia for something that’s still with him. His family and home will always be there for him, even if it’s far away right now. He’s happy, but often his life is so different and new it seems not quite his own. Like Joaquim, Reid has displaced himself. His reasons are a mystery, but something motivated Reid to leave behind a whole life. Joaquim did it for adventure, for experiences, for living life while he is young and unencumbered.
“I’ll take you anywhere that sounds interesting,” he promises. “When I’m not being overworked.”
“That sounds nice.” Reid takes a huge bite of his Cubano. He can’t talk because his mouth is so full, but he waves his hand.
He swallows, too fast, and Joaquim says, “Hey, don’t hurt yourself.”
Reid clears his throat. “That made it sound like I think it’s nice that you work too much for us to do stuff. I just meant, um, discovering things with you.”
Although that ends up sounding vaguely dirty, Joaquim doesn’t say anything. He bumps Reid’s feet with his. On the table, Reid’s phone vibrates. In their quiet moment, it’s jarring. Reid glances at it, and a look Joaquim can’t read crosses his face. He tosses his phone facedown on the table without responding and takes a deep breath with his eyes closed.
“Everything okay?”
“Fine,” Reid snaps, and then his shoulders fall. “Sorry, I don’t mean to bite your head off. There’s people back home I don’t want to hear from.”
It’s a vague answer, but likely Joaquim isn’t going to get much more. Reid is slippery when answering questions. Right now isn’t the time, but soon Joaquim has to ask more. He likes Reid; this is could be going somewhere very special. But not without Reid’s trust.
They talk about their last dive. Reid’s class is over, so he’s planning to slowly accumulate dives. Reid doesn’t make a lot at Shell World and he tells Joaquim that his grandmother paid for his class.
“I’m living rent-free, so I can save pretty fast. I am trying to save most of it. For whenever…” Reid looks out the window. His arms are tightly crossed around himself.
“I like your bracelet,” Joaquim says, redirecting the conversation.
“Thanks! My niece Morgan makes stuff like this. This one used to have a charm but it fell off.” He makes a face, scrunching his nose.
“Hey, do you wanna get out of here?” Joaquim says. They’ve been finished for a while. If they’re going to linger over conversation, he can think of more atmospheric places to do it.
“Yeah.” Outside the sky has taken on a different blue. She’s preparing for her sundown show, her nightly performance: brilliant colors and light acquiescence to night.
When they exit into brutal heat, Reid turns to him. “Want to see one of my favorite places?”
“Yeah,” Joaquim says. Any part of Reid’s story, he’ll go along with.
When Reid leads them back into his grandmother’s condo, it’s as spotless as it was before. Remembering how anxious Reid seemed last time they were here, he follows Reid directly through and out onto the small, scruffy yard beyond the porch. In the daylight he can see the view. With the sharp drop-off, all he can see is the bay; no beach, only the gray and turquoise and deep blue, almost black patches. The ocean is changeable today as clouds skitter above in fast patterns. He hopes it’s not cloudy when the sun sets. He hopes Reid lets him stay that long. He very much wants to watch the sunset with Reid.
Reid carefully gathers towels he has on the porch and bug spray, which he hands to Joaquim. Reid pauses at the top of the path and drops a light kiss on Joaquim’s lips, then nods toward the water. “Watch your step.”
The steps down can hardly be called steps, as uneven and overgrown as they are.
“I should probably clear these. But I like the way they look.”
“Um,” Joaquim says, cau
tion in speech only a reflection of his movements, “Aren’t there groundspeople? There usually are at places like this.”
“Oh.” Reid turns at the bottom and offers Joaquim a hand on the last step. The towels are tucked under his arm, and he doesn’t let go of Joaquim’s hand. “Yeah. Duh.”
Joaquim doesn’t say anything. Despite this place, which is one of the most expensive condos in Key Largo, Reid doesn’t seem spoiled. Joaquim would bet he has no idea how much the condo costs.
“Come here,” Reid whispers and pulls Joaquim close for a kiss. Breathing softly, they hardly move, touching gently with only their lips. Joaquim pulls Reid’s lower lip between his carefully, then kisses him in the same way, then again, like raindrops and promises.
Joaquim pulls away regretfully. He wouldn’t be averse to going right back up to the condo with Reid, but he senses Reid’s reluctance. Joaquim wants to share whatever Reid does, and, right now, Reid wants to share this space, a place that’s important.
It’s not the prettiest beach on the Keys, but it’s very private. He supposes everyone in Reid’s condo unit can access it, though.
“Hardly anyone comes down here,” Reid says, as if he’s reading Joaquim’s mind. “I’ve met everyone in this building, though. They either think I’m adorable or weird; maybe it’s because I’m young and pierced up. And I’m Monica’s grandson. I bet most of them have been subjected to stories about me. Hopefully just the good ones.”
What are the bad ones? Joaquim bites his lip and helps Reid settle the towels for them to sit on. The sky is a lighter blue, and the sun slides down inexorably. Sunset is still an hour away.
They sit, shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh. Reid lets out a sigh. It means either longing or homecoming comfort; Joaquim can’t tell. When his head rests on Joaquim’s shoulder, hair tickling his neck, Joaquim can’t help but smile. But Reid pulls away suddenly.
“Sorry.”
“Why? Why do you pull away?”
“I don’t know,” Reid admits. “Felix used to hate that. He used to say I’m too touchy and sappy.”
“Felix?”
“Yeah, my ex.” Reid fiddles with the laces of his shoes, Converse with fluorescent rainbow laces. They seem out of character and are obviously new.
“I like your shoes,” Joaquim says. He doesn’t intend to change the topic. But he has.
Reid flashes him a smile.
“Do you want to talk about it? Or, is it okay if we do?” Joaquim ventures. “I don’t want to pry, but I do want to get to know you.”
“It’s fine.” Reid says. “He’s the one who texted me at lunch.”
“You guys are still in contact?”
“Yeah. I don’t want to be, but he doesn’t seem to get it.”
“Have you asked him to stop?”
Reid’s laugh is hollow. “It’s complicated. I have, but he’s got his own issues, and I feel guilty.”
“You sound unsure.” Joaquim leans on Reid, hoping the closeness will translate as safe space.
“No. I’m sure. It’s hard really, to describe why I feel guilty. Things with Felix… he’s been in my life for a long time. Not always as my boyfriend. But as a boyfriend too. He’s been through a lot of stuff with me, and the other way around.” Reid draws his fingers through the sand, leaning away from Joaquim. “Sometimes I think he knows me best, that no one else will know me like he does.”
“And?” Joaquim prompts, because it’s clear Reid has more to say.
“Mostly now, he doesn’t know me at all, just another version of me. I don’t know if I ever was who he thinks, but I’m definitely not now. And I don’t want to be.”
Clearly there is much more to Reid’s story than he’s telling; Joaquim isn’t sure it’s something he is ready to hear.
“Me coming here, some of it was because of him. I want to be someone new. He says he gets that, but he doesn’t, because he won’t let me go. And he tells me things that only I could know. Should?”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“He doesn’t have anyone else. How can I leave him alone when he needs someone?”
Joaquim thinks about that. Is he good for you?
He doesn’t ask.
“Are you someone new?” he asks instead. Reid’s eyes, meeting his, are such a rare pale blue. The sky mimics them, but doesn’t manage. Joaquim wants, badly, to draw him into a kiss. He doesn’t care; he wants Reid however he his, whoever he is. But this transformation is important to Reid, clearly.
“Sometimes.” Reid says. “With you, often.”
Joaquim gives in, puts his forehead against Reid’s shoulder, and kisses him through the soft cotton of his shirt. Reid shifts so that his arm is around him, pulling him closer.
“I’m being pretty vague. You probably have questions, but— ”
“You can take your time. Only when you’re ready.”
Reid doesn’t answer with words, but with his body, which sags into Joaquim’s.
“I have a question about jellyfish,” Reid says suddenly, and Joaquim grins at the randomness of the segue.
“Well, I’m no expert, but go ahead.”
“Come in the water with me? Not far, just out a little way?”
Joaquim stands and pulls Reid up. They toe off their shoes. “Lead the way.”
They wade in slowly: Reid rolls up the hems of his floods, exposing the soft skin of his strong calves. He shoots Joaquim a smile, and the sun is a halo behind his head. Joaquim picks his way around the plants and jellyfish; the silt is slimy and clouds the water when he stirs it up with his feet.
“Okay. So what are these?” Reid bends over to point to a jellyfish. “At first I thought they were plants, but they’re jellyfish.”
“Upside-down jellyfish,” Joaquim says. He stops Reid as he’s about to touch one. “They sting.”
“Yeah, but it’s not bad.”
“Remember? Don’t touch the wildlife,” Joaquim reminds him with a wink.
“Good point.”
“Anyway, that’s what they are. Um, Cassiopeia, I think? Their official name I mean. There are different species.” He squints. “There are tons of them here.”
“Right? Not as many on the other beach. But that one is a little more cleaned up. Meant for swimming I guess.”
“Do you swim here?” Joaquim asks. This would not be a spot he’d pick.
“No, I just like being out here. It’s private. I like the way the water sounds.”
Joaquim checks to be sure he won’t step on anything and carefully takes a step toward Reid. His hand is wet from grabbing Reid’s in the water, but that doesn’t stop him from framing Reid’s face gently with his palms. When Joaquim kisses him, Reid responds by tilting his head, sighing beautifully into Joaquim’s mouth, and swaying against him. Joaquim runs his wet hands down to Reid’s throat. Reid’s pulse thrums under his thumbs, and then Joaquim runs them over his shoulders and down to Reid’s hands.
Fourteen
It’s hard for Reid to resist pulling Joaquim upstairs into the bedroom and against him.
But there are more things to say. And sunset is a while away; it’s too bright out, and Reid can’t think of a good excuse to keep his shirt on. Although Joaquim’s body clearly asks for more, as does Reid’s, Reid takes Joaquim’s hand and pulls him back toward the towels. He tugs him until they’re lying down.
Joaquim doesn’t resist or ask questions, nor does he hide his excitement. He has Reid by the hips, and arousal is unmistakable where they’re pressed together. Reid thinks back to Joaquim’s reticence in the pool and pulls away.
“What happened to the shy boy who didn’t want to do it where he could get caught?”
“I think you broke him,” Joaquim jokes. Even his eyes smile, scrunched a little at the corners; for a fleeting moment Reid is so intensely happy. Joaquim
’s joy is palpable and stunning, and right here, in this moment, Reid is only a boy being kissed, being wanted, washed clean, and sheltered from everything that’s haunted him all the way from Eau Claire. He traveled the country to run away. Sometimes, he thinks it worked. Sometimes, all he has is the faith that it will. Right now, he has the certainty of possibility.
“Can we…” Reid folds his arm under his head. Eyes intent on Reid’s, Joaquim does the same. Reid has never met someone with eyes the color of Joaquim’s: so dark he wouldn’t call them brown. He can barely tell the pupils from the irises.
“Can we what?” Joaquim traces Reid’s eyebrows with a sweet, light, curious touch.
“You’ll think it’s dumb.”
“I promise I won’t,” Joaquim says seriously. Maybe this trust is as reckless as anything else, as dumb as so many impulses Reid follows. But it’s there.
“Can we linger?”
Joaquim regards him for a long moment. His face is kind, contemplative, with no judgment. Measuring the moment, maybe reading it. Him.
“I would love that.” He scoots closer and runs that same finger over Reid’s lips. Reid kisses it. Reid can’t think of a time anyone has let him do this, has wanted to linger, or wanted Reid long enough to linger. Felix wanted him plenty, but not in all the ways Reid wished for.
Perhaps he’s stalling. But Reid’s been learning the value of asking for things he wants and needs, rather than ignoring them.
They lie quietly. Joaquim kisses him carefully. He charts the territory of Reid’s neck, then pushes aside the collar of Reid’s shirt to kiss his shoulder. He lies back when Reid pushes his shoulders and lets him return the favor. Reid savors the caress. When the sun begins to put on her show, he scoots down and turns toward it. He pulls Joaquim’s arm around him; with his other arm, Joaquim props his head on a bent elbow, and they watch the sun set in comfortable silence.
The gloaming is wrapped around them when Reid finally moves. His secret self, the one that’s ached for romance like this his whole life but has never thought he deserved it, overflows. But this also seems to be the hell hour for mosquitos that spray doesn’t deter, so he turns over.
