by M. Clarke
I had no idea how he moved us without me knowing, but the next thing I knew we were on our bed. How I got completely naked and not him, I had no clue. When I looked to make sure the door was closed, just in case Max and Jenna decided to pay us a visit, there was a trail of clothes on the floor. Somehow, I’d gotten so lost in his arms that I couldn’t recall what had happened a second ago or how I got to that position.
“Matthew,” I moaned. “Take off your clothes.”
“You’re my lollipop, Becca. And I’m going to lick every inch of you. I’m going to tease you like you teased me.”
Matthew did not disappoint. He practically bathed me with his tongue. He started from my face, down to my collarbone, to my nipple. Then his tongue glided down my stomach to my clit. Begging him to stop did not work. I tried everything to take off his clothes, but he would not budge. I couldn’t believe how much self-control he had. When it seemed like his will had been spent, he stopped.
Taking a deep breath, Matthew stood up, raking his hair back. “Time to go, Becca. We have a schedule to keep.” He was trying to look calm and collected, but I could tell by his chest rising and falling rapidly that he wasn’t.
Spread out, shamelessly naked and short of breath, I tried to tame the torturous yearning between my legs. I lay there unable to move or say a word. I was utterly drained from being licked like a lollipop.
“But mine was just a lollipop,” I whined, running my hand down my face. “You’re bad...terrible.” I shook my head with a naughty thought circulating my mind. Two could play at his game. Before he could walk out the door, I called his name. Licking my fingers to make them very wet, I placed them on my clit and started rubbing myself. With the other hand, I fondled by breast and squeezed my nipple. “We have time for a quickie,” I teased, making pleasure sounds he could not ignore.
Matthew’s eyes grew wider than I had ever seen before. He was thoroughly turned on and I loved knowing that I could make him feel this way. The last thing I heard before he stripped off his jeans and sweater was the word, “Fuck.”
After flipping me over with one swift move, he pulled my thighs to him so that my feet touched the floor. My back was toward him and my arms were tucked in. Spreading my legs with his knee, Matthew lightly pressed his chest on my back and entered. I was already climaxing from all the build up he had inflicted on me.
When Matthew wrapped his arm under my thigh and started rubbing my clit while he was rocking me, I was brought to another level of ecstasy. Oh my God! It felt so freakin’ good. I didn’t want this to be a quickie. Just when I thought we were done, Matthew flipped me over again and lifted me onto the bed. I was now facing him.
Anchoring my leg over his shoulder, he pushed down, making my knees bend. Gazing lovingly into my eyes, he said softly, “I’m all in. You’ve got all of me. Now you’re going to pay for your teasing.” He gave a wicked grin.
The way he had me positioned gave him a deeper access to me. I could feel him to the depth of my core. His words and actions made me utterly weak. I surrendered to him, allowing him to take me, all of me. He felt so amazing and I didn’t want him to stop, yet I couldn’t take any more as I climaxed again and again.
“I want to live inside of you and never come out,” Matthew murmured against my ear. Hearing low groans, I knew Matthew’s will had been spent.
“Then live and breathe inside and never come out,” I managed to say before I completely came undone. Matthew and I had climaxed together. He dropped down next to me, panting like he had run a mile. Out of breath, I turned to him with a smile. With our eyes locked on each other, we fell into a deeper level of connection...a deeper level of understanding...a deeper level of us.
Matthew
“You want to talk about your friend?” I asked, holding Becca’s hand with one hand while the other held the steering wheel. She had been quiet for quite some time and I could tell something was on her mind. We were headed to her friend’s gravesite, and I knew there was more to her story then she had shared with me before.
Becca looked at me for a second, then focused elsewhere. “Her name was Amber. She was my best friend and roommate.”
I waited for Becca to tell me more, but she stopped. “And?” I dragged out the word. “You already told me that. Tell me something I don’t know.”
Becca released a deep sigh. “She died from a car accident.”
I signaled left, turning when it was clear. “You already told me that, too.” It was like pulling teeth whenever I asked for more information regarding her friend.
“There isn’t much to tell,” she sighed. “My friend drove drunk and killed herself. I tried to stop her, but she didn’t listen. I probably should have tried harder, but I was out of it myself. I was a shitty friend. Friends don’t let other friends drive drunk...remember?” Becca rambled quickly. Her tone was harsh, but I could tell there was a lot of self-blame.
I pulled her hand to my lips and kissed it, then placed our joined hands on my thigh to rest. “It’s not your fault. She should’ve known better. I’m not passing judgments. I’ve done stupid things myself. At least she took only her own life. It would have sucked if she’d taken someone else’s life, too.” I was thinking of Tessa at that point. A drunk driver had taken her life, something that could have been avoided.
When Becca stiffened and pulled her hand away from mine, I knew I had said something to offend her. “I didn’t mean—”
“I know,” Becca cut me off. “It’s nothing.”
When we stopped at a red light, I examined her from the corner of my eyes. She was not her usual friendly self. In fact, she was jumpy and fidgety, as if she was trying to hide a secret. The sound of plastic crinkling from the bouquet of flowers was irritating. Becca couldn’t stop messing with it. Looking deep in thought, she had no idea what she was doing until I took her hand away from it.
“Sorry. I was just thinking,” she said when she finally realized her repeated gestured.
“That’s okay.” I paused to turn right. “We’re here.”
I didn’t know why, but going to gravesites filled me with both dread and serenity. Looking to my left and right, there were many fresh flowers. It indicated that their loved ones had visited recently.
“Turn left, up ahead,” Becca said. “I think that’s it.”
After I did as instructed, I parked. “Here?” I asked.
Becca glanced around and nodded. “Yes. I remember those two trees. It’s been a while, but I never forget those trees.”
I had no idea what she meant. “Those trees” she was talking about looked exactly the same as any other trees. Women, go figure. Opening the passenger’s door, I helped her out of the car. Becca looked up to the sky before she took a step. I looked up, too—curious as to why she did—but all I saw were puffy clouds. Perhaps she was saying a little prayer. Who knew? However, I didn’t ask. Now was not the time to ask what she was thinking. I could just imagine because I had been in the same situation before. The first time coming back to the gravesite after the funeral was always the hardest, no matter how many years had passed.
Following Becca on the grass, I stopped when she did. Little did Becca know that I had planned to come here late that afternoon to meet up with Tessa’s sister, Teresa. Visiting Tessa at her gravesite was my plan, but Teresa had called that morning asking to meet with me. I had put off telling Becca because I knew how distraught she was about coming here. I didn’t want to add any more stress on her plate.
“This is Amber,” Becca said, looking at me for direction. She appeared uneasy.
I weaved behind her and held her lightly from the back. My hands slipped around her waist and bent lower to rest my chin on her shoulder. “Say hi. She can hear you.” Could she really? Who knew? Regardless, talking to Tessa as if she was there helped me, and I knew it would help Becca, too.
“Hi, Amber. I brought Matthew with me.” Becca’s tone became shaky. After she cleared her throat and her shoulders lifted from taking in a dee
p breath, she continued, “I’m sorry that it took me so long to come see you. I was a chicken shit.” Becca let out a soft laugh; that made me smile. “Amber used to call me chicken shit,” Becca informed me.
“Nice friend,” I commented sarcastically while rolling my eyes. “Go on.”
“I have a new roommate, but you probably already knew that. Her name is Jenna. We were like two opposites, but now I think her goodness rubbed off on me. She doesn’t call me chicken shit. She actually influences me to be a better person. I’m not saying anything bad about you, but we did some crazy, wild things together.”
“Really?”
Becca nudged me with her elbow, gesturing me to keep comments to myself. “We were in college,” she said quickly. “That’s the time to experiment.”
“True.” I kissed her cheek and squeezed her a little bit tighter on her waist.
Becca grunted when she felt the pressure. Releasing a sigh, she continued, “Matthew, who is a leech on my back right now, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’ll be happy to know that Matthew is not an asshole and I am officially not an asshole magnet any longer.”
I rocked us from side to side, letting her know how much I appreciated her words. “I’m glad you don’t think I’m an asshole,” I added quickly.
“Shhh. I’m still talking.” Becca laughed. “I wish you could meet him in person. He’s truly a gentleman, more than I could ever have expected. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve him.” She paused. “Matthew is really good to me, unlike any of the guys you’ve seen me date, but fate took you away so soon. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t force you to get out of the car. I should have yanked you out...or taken your car keys, anything to stop you from driving.”
Becca’s hand reached for her face to stop the tears from falling. Seeing her like this not only made my heart ache, but made me sad for her. However, I also knew that once she passed this stage, she would learn to forgive and let go. There would be closure, and no one understood that better than me.
“It’s not your fault, Becca,” I whispered in her ear. Switching positions, Becca was now facing me, her whole body was engulfed in my arms.
“It is my fault,” she muttered into my sweater. “I could have prevented it. I could have done so many things differently, but I didn’t. It’s my fault. Amber didn’t die alone.”
At this point Becca was sobbing. I could tell how much she was hurting from the guilt and the loss of her friend. Her pain traveled inside of me. Whatever she felt, I felt it, too. That’s how much I cared and loved her. That’s how much she meant to be. I would do anything to mend her pain and hurt, anything to make it right for her.
But...something stone cold struck me. My heart started thumping harder against my chest and my muscles became stiff. I couldn’t move. For some strange reason, Becca’s last words felt like a slap on my face. Amber didn’t die alone. My eyes shifted from the ground to the headstone. I hadn’t paid attention to what was written on it since I was standing behind Becca, trying to give her some privacy.
When Becca had told me her friend passed away on the same date as Tessa, I thought, ‘What a coincidence’. There were billions of people on this planet, surely many people died on the same date. Yet when I traced Amber’s full name with my eyes, I thought I was going to drop dead. Amber James kept echoing in my mind. Surely it couldn’t be the same person. Could it?
I didn’t know what came over me, but tears blinded my eyes. My grip on Becca loosened. I dropped down to my knees. Oh God! Please don’t let it be true. I needed answers...fast, but not here.
“Matthew...Matthew...what’s wrong?”
I felt my body shake and my name echoed in my head...until I finally came to. “Becca, I need to take you home. Now!”
Chapter 15
Becky
I wasn’t sure what the problem was or what had triggered Matthew’s sudden anger, but I didn’t want to add to it, so I kept my mouth shut and got in the car. Matthew didn’t even look at me or say a word. In fact, the drive back to my place was dead silent. I wanted to ask him questions, but the cold stone look on his face made me so nervous that I dare not say a word.
Replaying the words I had said to him didn’t help make me understand his actions. Matthew had been so loving and supportive while we were there until he saw something or remembered something, causing him to drop to his knees. Flabbergasted, I tried to remain calm and steady my heartbeat, but my stomach was doing nasty somersaults, and the acid feeling inside of my chest was only building.
“Matthew, what’s wrong? What happened back there?” I finally asked, starting to feel a little ticked off seeing him pacing back and forth in deep thought. His lips were parting and closing; I could tell he was trying to tell me something, but it never came out. Now I was beyond annoyed. Sitting uncomfortably on the sofa, I stared at him hard, as if that would make him snap out of it. I had never seen him like this before, but enough was enough. “Matthew, what the hell happened? You can’t just shut down on me like that.”
Matthew stopped in front of me, peering down at me. Either he looked really concerned or really scared...I couldn’t tell which one. “What happened the night your friend died?”
Where was he going with this? “I already told you. She drove wasted and died from a car accident. I was—”
Matthew dropped to his knees to meet me at my eye level and interrupted, “You’re hiding something. You didn’t finish the story, did you?”
My eyes flickered back and forth; I couldn’t look at him. “I’m not hiding anything.”
“How did Amber die?” Matthew’s tone was calm, but I felt goose bumps up my arms. It was the way he had asked, like he knew. Surely he couldn’t have.
“I already told you. What the fuck, Matthew? What is wrong with you?” I stammered, standing up to walk away, but Matthew gripped my arm.
“Sit down.” His tone was cold and demanding.
Under other circumstances I would have told him to screw himself and walked away, but I listened. Clearly something was bothering him. When I sat, Matthew sat on the floor with his knees tucked in. “Please answer with the truth. What do you mean ‘she didn’t die alone’? Did your friend, Amber James, kill someone the night of her accident?”
How could he possibly freakin’ know? Not even Jenna knew. And there was no way Jenna would spill the beans if she did. Regardless, I needed to tell him the truth. Oh God! Now I remembered. My tongue had slipped at the gravesite. Maybe it would do some good to get it off my chest. Matthew would understand. Amber was right. I had always been a chicken shit.
Inhaling a deep breath, I let it all out. “Not a day goes by where I don’t hold this guilt inside of me. It has been eating me alive. There are days when I’m fine and days when I feel so much remorse that I wish it was me. I could have prevented this.”
Matthew lowered his head. Taking a deep breath, his chest expanded. With a puff of heavy air, he looked at me again. His hands gripped the sofa and he seemed thoroughly pissed off. “Tell me. It’s a simple word. Yes, or no?” His words seethed out of his mouth in a way I’d never heard before. He was right. It was a simple answer, one word that was hard to say.
I looked away shamefully. “Yes. Amber killed someone. She killed herself and someone else. So that makes me responsible for two deaths. Is that what you want to hear?” Tears started pouring down my cheeks.
Matthew was nonchalant about my tears, unlike before. He had a motive, but why? “When and where did it happen?” Matthew leaned in closer, as if I would speak faster.
“It was raining hard that night. We were at a party, somewhere near Santa Monica. Amber took off. From the police report and what her parents told me, she ran a red light on 7th Street. I think—” I stopped talking when Matthew’s face turned pale.
“No...no...no,” he repeated, gripping his hair tightly. Standing up, he stared at me like I was his worst enemy. That stone cold look he gave me was one I was not prepared for. That alone killed
me, stabbing my heart a thousand times.
I had no clue what the hell was the matter with him. “Matthew. What’s wrong?” When I took a step to him, he jolted back. He didn’t want me near him, and that action twisted painfully in my heart. Tears began to fall again.
“Did you know?” He took another step back.
“Know what?” I wrapped my arms to my chest to hold my shaky body together. “Please, I don’t understand.” I felt like I was losing him and I had no idea what I had done.
Matthew raked his hair back and turned his back on me. He was now closer to the door. “Amber...killed...Tessa. Tessa’s car was hit on 7th Street, and she died the same night your friend died. She...killed...my...Tessa.” Matthew’s tone was soft, but I could feel every stabbing pain.
Dead silence filled the air. I stopped breathing. This wasn’t happening. Not my Matthew. Not the man I wanted forever with. What should I say? There were no words for comfort and no words to apologize. I tried to take a step to him, but my body was too stiff—too much in shock—that all I could do was let the tears flow and try to find the right words...but nothing.
“Matthew.” I swallowed, hearing my voice crack. “I swear to you that I didn’t know. I never knew the name of the person. I never wanted to know her name. The guilt was already too much, and I thought if I didn’t know her name then it would be as if it never happened. I know that it’s probably not right to think that way, but it was the only way I could go on.”
“Her name was Tessa Young,” he gritted through his teeth softly, but sternly, as if I should have known.
“I’m sorry, Matthew. I really didn’t know.” Tears kept flowing, and no matter how much I tried to stop them, I couldn’t. Although Matthew was physically present, he was long gone. I’d lost him. I knew this when he wouldn’t look at me, even after I apologized, even after telling him I didn’t know.
