But it also provided safe harbor for my two growing babies, made me feel like a woman, and had been there all my life.
Somehow when I wasn’t looking, I’d grown attached.
“Okay. But two weeks, Allison,” Sarah told me sternly. “No more.”
“Two weeks,” I agreed.
“Okay,” she nodded. “We’ll schedule it with Robin on your way out.” She looked at me appraisingly. The grip I had on my purse, the flush of my cheeks, and the rigidity of my back couldn’t have escaped her notice. “If you need anything before then, you know to call. I’m your doctor, but I’m also blessed to call you my friend. That goes both ways.”
“Thanks, Sarah.”
SHORT, CHOPPY STEPS REPLACED THE normal sway of Allison’s hips as she walked towards my spot in the parking lot, the downturn of her face making her hair cascade forward like a curtain.
With a flick of my wrist I turned the key, and the roar of the engine firing brought her head up and her eyes directly to mine. There was something in them that I couldn’t place. And the distance didn’t help.
I lacked the experience of being with her, learning her cues and tells like a companion would, but it was more than that. Or, at least, I guessed it was.
It wasn’t denial or even melancholy. But something festered deep within her soul, growing and feeding itself, her every thought seeming to only deepen said unnamed emotion.
She was thinking herself in circles.
That’s what it looked like.
Cool air rushed in, sweeping her hair forward and sucking it towards the inside of the car like a vacuum as she opened the door.
With the air came her scent, soft and sweet and a little bit apple. I tried to ignore it, but my eyes widened and my blood surged faster through my veins, like I’d taken a hit of a drug.
Silence enveloped us so completely as she settled and shifted in her seat, closing the door behind her gently and fidgeting with her purse, that, for one split second, I actually feared breaking it.
Thankfully, rationality didn’t take long to return, I pulled up my big boy panties, and I spoke, cognizant of the fact that it didn’t seem like she could.
“So . . . To the grocery store? Or somewhere else?” I ventured.
I wanted to ask the more obvious question. The one most people would have used if they noticed someone in emotional distress. But the turmoil was radiating off of her so powerfully, the sheer caliber of the waves almost overwhelming me and picking me up in their churn, what seemed appropriate in most circumstances, felt nothing short of taboo.
“Um, yeah. The grocery store is good. Perfect,” she mumbled, stumbling over her words but recovering by lifting her eyes and meeting mine.
I’ll never forget the fear that waited for me there, swirling through her vibrant turquoise with mud and mottling the normally pristine color with ugliness.
My hand shot out on its own mission, clasping hers in its grip and squeezing powerfully. Terror tightened my own belly as her emotion ran through me like an electrical current, but I welcomed it as the evil snake in her eyes unfurled and receded, the dirty wash of its skin instead coating the inside of my sturdy veins.
At that moment, I knew I could be the keeper of her fear for as long as she needed me to, just as long as when I looked into her eyes, all I saw was blue.
Before I could settle into the moment, before I really even processed what I was thinking, her hand was gone from mine, and with it, she took both her emotion and the information of her eyes.
I didn’t have to think about it. I knew the best thing to do was to move on.
A time to push would either come or it wouldn’t—the possibility that she’d volunteer the information herself always there.
“Alright, then. Point me in the right direction and do it fast. This above average mind and body needs fuel, and fuel means food.”
“Above average?”
“Eh. I’m just guessing. Google ‘men over fifty’ and let me know.”
“I’d rather not,” she replied quickly, the upper edge of her lip curling into the skin above it. I hadn’t expected such a negative visceral reaction.
“Why?”
“I don’t google things unless I absolutely know that something isn’t going to turn up that burns out my retinas.”
My curiosity piqued, I ventured further. “And ‘men over fifty’ seems like a dangerous topic?”
“You never know.” She shrugged. “I have no doubt there’s some weirdo out there that’s used that as a tag for his freakishly large penis. Or excess testicles. Or, I don’t know, something. Something I don’t ever want to see because if I do, I’ll never, ever wipe it from the big screen in my memory.”
“How on earth do you know about these things?”
“Oh, one of Haley’s favorite hobbies is innocently suggesting I just have to see something online, and then, BAM! I’m scarred for life.”
Shaking my head to stop it from conjuring all kinds of unpleasant images, I segued into a more productive topic. “Speaking of your unique daughter, any suggestions on what we should do for dinner since she and Danny will be joining us?”
“They’re coming for dinner?” she asked, some of the previous panic in her tone making a resurgence.
For the life of me, I couldn’t connect the dots. I’d seen this woman with her daughter. I’d seen her with her son. Nothing made her happier than having all of her chicks in the nest, and with the way she was acting now, I would have sworn it was the opposite.
Something was up. Something big and out of the ordinary, and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from investigating.
Maybe there wouldn’t be that big of a hiatus from the job after all.
“Yeah. Sorry, I thought I told you when I got off the phone.”
“Nope,” she said on a shake of her head. “You must have been too busy thinking of ways to hide Danny’s body.”
“Hah! That’s definitely not what I was thinking about.”
“Really?” she asked, completely surprised.
“Yeah,” I confirmed. “There was no need to think of places. I’ve had that plan completely ironed out for years,” I joked with a wink.
The corner of her mouth just barely gave in to the curve of a smile, but the move was so opposite to the downturned position of recent, I felt like it moved inches.
Freshly back from the grocery store, where Allison had spent most of her time nodding yes to every question I asked, I found myself alone in the kitchen putting everything away while the woman of the house went upstairs without a word.
I’d stowed all of the things that needed a spot in the cold comfort of the refrigerator and was just starting to guess my way through restocking the pantry when her muffled voice called down from the upstairs.
“What’s yo . . . erf . . . ay . . . ade?”
“What?” I yelled back, making my way to the front entry as I did. If she was anything like Melly, she’d continue to yell unintelligible grumbles at me until I personally rectified the situation by moving closer.
“I SAID,” she screamed louder, before dropping her voice back to normal and continuing, “What’s your . . . erf . . . ?”
One step turned into two as I climbed the stairs, the quiet carpet sinking and molding under the soles of my boot-covered feet.
Before long I was at the top of the stairs, turning the corner, and following the sounds of a busy squirrel shuffling around in what turned out to be her home office.
A breeze blew off of her as she turned quickly—too quickly and before I’d said anything—to yell at me again. At the sight of me, her waiting words turned into a scream the likes of any first rate horror movie.
Before I knew it she was on me, the weight of her forearms slapping forward and punching me in the chest. I was caught off guard enough that I stepped back in recoil and lifted my own arms into a protective shield.
Apparently, there’s nothing like no warning and the fear of hurting your o
pponent to emasculate you.
“Hey!” I snapped, trying to get her attention and stop the hitting. “It’s me! It’s me! Calm down and stop hitting me!”
“I know it’s you, you idiot! That’s why I’m hitting you!”
“Huh?” I breathed out, avoiding an elbow as it came straight for my ribs. “Why are you hitting me, woman?!”
“Because you snuck up on me! Sneaking from an intruder is expected! Sneaking from house guests is just rude!”
“I didn’t mean to sneak! Ow!” I squealed like a girl as her heel came down on the top of my foot.
“What is with all this aggression?” I yelled, pinning her arms to her body and heaving out a ragged breath.
Her body started to shake, her deep breathing turning into a quiet sob, and immediately, I considered letting her wail on me some more.
Rubble took up residence where her face should have been, the crumbling of her emotions happening almost instantaneously, and I floundered about trying to find a place to put my hands.
Christ, that was a quick change of pace.
“I’m sorry,” she just managed to choke out.
“Hey,” I offered, not understanding but trying desperately to. “It’s okay.”
“No,” she said on a shake of her head, all of that aggression turning to self-destruction in a instant.
“Okay, so it’s not actually okay, but it’s not that big of a deal. And there’s obviously a reason.” She shook her head. In response, I coaxed. “Come on, tell Uncle Wade the reason,” I teased, patting her on her gorgeous head awkwardly. I didn’t exactly have a lot of comforting experience. Not recently anyway.
Her eyes flashed up to mine, and when they did, I didn’t need an answer. They weren’t blue and clear like they should be, and the dirtiness that replaced their normal hue was so consuming I could tell it’d be a long time before it bled completely from her soul.
There, in my arms, she settled, studying the lines of my face as an escape. But the time she took to study me gave me all the time in the world to explore the same luxury, and I took it.
I didn’t speak or question, and she didn’t offer anything in return. Instead, her body relaxed into mine, and the pleading in her eyes said a million words that she so obviously couldn’t.
Time went unchecked by both of us, the momentary comfort of companionship enough to get us both through.
Her bottom lip folded into her mouth, the edge of her teeth digging in as she drug it the distance back out. “What’s your birthday?” she asked softly, picking back up as though the last fifteen minutes hadn’t happened.
As though she hadn’t attacked me, hadn’t broken down, and hadn’t melded into my arms like we were two halves of a whole.
Fuck.
Two halves of a whole?
Maybe I needed to pretend it hadn’t happened too.
Yeah, that was probably a good idea.
“March fifteenth,” I answered, so thrown off from the last half hour, heck, the last day—something I was categorizing as an out of body experience—that I didn’t even notice how weird of a question that was.
“What year were you born?” she interrogated further, the sparkle off of her resurrected blue eyes dancing in the light.
“1961,” I replied again, the motion of her sultry lips distracting me further. Her whole face was like a vortex, sucking me in and threatening to never let go. The blackness was complete in a way that I knew anytime I made it back out, it was purely by chance.
As she turned away, the spell was broken and normal brain function returned. “Wait. What? Why do you need to know when I was born?”
“No reason,” she said casually, waving it off, turning back towards me, and shifting her luscious hair from the front of her shoulder to the back.
God, it looked so soft.
Ah, man. And now that she’d moved it, I had an uninhibited view of her full chest. Her previously chunky sweater had been replaced by a enticingly thin tank top. Or maybe she’d just had it on under it.
Was she wearing a bra? It didn’t look like she was wearing a bra.
No joke, if I’d ever doubted it before, there was no question now.
I was a boob man. An Allison’s boobs man.
Roll tongue back in mouth.
Do it now.
At a real loss for words, I only managed to find one.
“Okay.”
I probably should have searched harder.
WHEN HALEY AND DANNY CAME busting through the door at a quarter to seven, anything and everything else went out the window.
She had a big enough presence all on her own, but the two of them together, happy, in love, and completely comfortable in their skin, was unlike any other experience in the universe. They were loud and wild, and happiness wafted off of them in droves. Thankfully, it was contagious.
With the day I’d had, I was going to need the distraction.
“I’m telling you, that was not a woman,” Haley stated, pulling an orange and white, infinity Tennessee scarf off of her head and hanging it on the hook by the door. She had absolutely no trouble making herself at home.
“Yes, it was!” Danny yelled¸ standing and watching her in his standard jeans, boots, and t-shirt. Something about men made them less susceptible to the cold. Hence, the thermostat wars of the last several centuries. Sure, the practice was a little more grass roots for the first few of them, but the idea was the same.
“With a twig and berries in her pants, Dan-o? I don’t think so.”
“I think I know when I’m looking at a woman and when I’m looking at a man.”
“Tell that to the transvestite you made out with at Roma Bar,” Haley pushed, the gleam in her eye pretty much telling the tale.
The woman they were arguing about probably had no balls to bust.
But Danny sure as hell did, and my daughter was enjoying herself way too much to stop.
“I didn’t make out with anybody other than you! Are you a man?!”
“Oo,” I heard from over my right shoulder. “Bad move.”
“Yep,” I agreed with Wade, our presence still completely unnoticed by the arguing duo.
Both of Haley’s hands hit her hips, but Danny wasn’t the type of guy to back down. Even though he’d essentially just called his woman a man, and the only way out of it was through a tunnel of groveling.
Instead, he reveled in the depth of the hole he’d dug and indulged in the opportunity to admire the way Haley looked from so far below.
The more animated she became, the more his eyes dilated, feasting on the vibrancy of her features in the midst of her emotion.
If I didn’t know how smart he was, I would have sworn her anger didn’t even register. But I did know, and he was smart. And he knew the extent of her attitude like the back of his hand. He just understood how to thrive on it.
“Danny!”
“Don’t worry, baby,” he responded immediately, grabbing her over her own hands on her hips and forcing her forward into his arms. “If you’re a man, I’ll turn gay. Whatever it takes to keep loving you.” Her eyes warmed, just like smart old Danny knew they would, and her cream henley-covered arms drifted up in order to rest her hands on his shoulders. His face tucked into her neck, and he spoke quietly. But not quietly enough for me as her mother. “Whatever it takes to keep loving on you.”
Eek! It was time to stop paying attention.
Sex talks with Haley weren’t unheard of. But only rarely, and only, only, only in the abstract.
I turned away, the feeling of voyeurism ripe in the tempered air of my own home, and came face to shoulder with the overwhelmingly male presence of Wade.
Trailing my eyes upward, I followed the line of his jaw, skirting up and over his cheekbone, and finally settled on the warm, intricate brown of his welcoming eyes.
He’d been looking at me closely ever since I’d had my meltdown, and frankly, I was feeling a little too exposed. Unfortunately, I had no one to blame but myself for that.
When you don’t want someone to question your actions, to wonder what’s behind your madness, driving you to uncharacteristic behaviors and reactions, it’s a good idea to behave normally.
And I’d failed miserably at putting that into practice.
One perfectly arched, yet somehow thick and hardened, eyebrow taunted me, framing his dark lash rimmed inspectors perfectly.
“Feeling like the walls are closing in on you? Amplifying all of the sounds and phrases nightmares are made of?” he joked, his eyebrow settling down to frame his wink.
Obviously, he still had his hearing too—something that became less and less guaranteed as the years ticked by.
Feeling less pressure in my chest than I had the entire afternoon, “Yeah,” seemed to float out of me.
“Oh,” he said in surprise, his sight flicking over my head. When I turned to look, the lovebirds had moved in close—almost uncomfortably close—and their heads were both tilted down, Wade’s hand on my hip locked firmly into their heat-seeking vision.
How had I not noticed his hand on my hip?
Wade yanked it back as though I was made of flames, studying its lines and planes like he’d never once seen it before.
The ruffle of Haley’s clothing sounded behind me, so I didn’t waste time spearing her with one my most matriarchal glares. Call it intuition or years of experience, but I knew my daughter wouldn’t hold her tongue unless I forced her to. And Wade and I had awkward covered without her assistance or expertise, so I knew I had to shut it down before it started.
Swallowing her words and nearly choking on them, such was the rarity of her silence, her eyes widened just before she found a way to recover.
“So . . . what’s for dinner?” She barely paused, before shouting her own prediction. “Tell me it’s your meatloaf! I love your meatloaf, but I’m too lazy to make it.”
With a roll of my eyes and shake of my head, I let her down easy.
Or not.
“Too bad, daughter-mine. If your fingers are too lazy to make the meatloaf on their own, they’ve got to at least dial the numbers on your phone. They didn’t do either, so no meatloaf for you.”
Accidental Alpha Page 5
