by S. L. Naeole
“Your fault?”
“Yes. We created them, we allowed them to remain, we allowed them to reproduce. It’s our fault they exist.”
“So…when you say ‘creatures’, you mean what? Things other than me?”
How pivotal, that pause of yours, Robert. You let her hear nothing, and her imagination blooms, setting her up for what we both know will be nothing but shock and terror.
“There’s so much out there, Stacy. Angels have been very irresponsible. We’re very much like humans in that regard I suppose. We wanted to create things, we wanted to be godlike, and the end result has been nothing but destruction. From the very beginning, we’ve done nothing but taint this world with our presence.
“Every nightmare a child has ever had, every monster that’s ever haunted their dreams is the fault of those like me, who want more than they have a right to.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that it’s far better that we didn’t exist…you were right when you said that it wasn’t one of your kind that was after Grace. The only ones who’ve ever tried to hurt her have been my own kind. Even I’ve hurt her. You’ve done nothing but protect her and I must admit that I hold some resentment towards you for my own failing in that.”
“You didn’t fail her. That Lem guy said that that Isis chick was the one who was working with Sam. She’s dead now so Grace and her dad will be okay.”
Such a warm hand against my face; I wish I could turn into it. I wish I could smile.
“There’s always a danger to her. It comes from me. Whatever the truth is, the fact remains that one of us will die, and the other will suffer as a result. If it turns out that what Llehmai says is true then she’ll know nothing but pain. She feels such tremendous guilt for the deaths of those she had no hand in, how will she endure being the cause of them? She is fragile, Stacy.”
“You don’t know her as well as you think if you believe that, Robert. Grace isn’t a piece of glass. She’s stronger than you think, stronger than all of us. She’s risked her life for you, for me, for Graham…she’s lived through losing her mother, losing her best friend, losing you. She survived that night in the woods, though how I don’t know. She did all of that on her own. If she has to do something, she’ll do it, no matter what it costs her.”
“And that’s what worries me the most. She isn’t invincible. For all the parroting of the fact that her mother was Avi, she wasn’t when she gave birth to Grace. Her divinity was gone, her powers were gone, her immortality was gone; she was simply Abigail Shelley, and whatever divinity exists inside of Grace is purely residual. Her human frailty can only withstand so much before it succumbs to the strain of the blackness that comes with doing what being Death entails.”
“So then fix her.”
So sure, Stacy. Always so sure…
“Fix her?”
“Yes. Turn her. Take away her human frailty, or whatever it is you called it.”
“I can’t.”
“What do you mean you can’t? She’s right here. You’re right here. It makes no sense that you keep on putting this off.”
“She has to be ready and willing, Stacy, otherwise she’ll turn into something horrible.”
“Something like me, you mean.”
“Yes-no. I don’t know.”
“Will you still love her, no matter what she becomes?”
“Of course! It’s not an issue about whether I’ll love her. I’ll always love her. I’ve always loved her. It’s about whether she will be able to accept herself.
“She never wanted to turn; she never wanted any of this. She’s already had all of her choices taken away from her. She has no say in how she lives, or even how she dies. She simply exists because that’s all she’s allowed, and I do not intend to take even that away from her.”
“Well then start giving her something back, Robert. Give her something. She’s dying. She’s lying here and she’s dying because she doesn’t have any hope left. Don’t you see that?”
“But I don’t know how-”
“Then talk to someone who does!”
“My grandfather…that’s who would know.”
Stacy’s hands flew up in the air, the motion so swift and jerky that the bed shifted. How like her. “Well? What the hell are you still doing here?”
“You’re right. I’ll go and speak to my grandfather now. Will you…”
“I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care if I have to eat Graham; I’m staying right here until you get back.”
“Please don’t eat my brother-in-law. Not all of him, anyway.”
“Go. Hurry up and find out the truth so that we can save your wife.”
Kisses. You kiss me as though you already know the answer, and this is goodbye. Is it?
“I will return as quickly as I can, love. Please, please don’t give up. We’ve fought too hard and too long for it to end this way. Have hope. Have hope, Grace.”
I have hope.
“He’s gonna come back. He’s gonna come back and you’ll see that everything will be fine.”
Dear God, I hope everything will be fine.
***
“Grace, do you want some soup? I made you the one with the little stars in it. Come on, sit up and let’s try and get some of this down.”
Liquid warmth, thin and salty; why are you forcing it down my throat?
“She’s not eating. It’s been two days. She needs to eat, Stacy. I’m running out of ideas here.”
“I told you not bring up any of that crappy soup Mrs. Lorimax brought over last night, Graham. It smelled like butt; I mean you didn’t even eat it! Throw it out and take the bowl back to her house. Grace’ll eat when she’s ready. At least she’s drinking now. Maybe we can get her to swallow some kind of diet drink or something, you know those meals in a can kinda shakes?”
“Hey, yeah! I’ll go and get some. What kind though?”
“What kind does she like?”
“Wow, I don’t know. She’s never been a milkshake kinda girl.”
“Duh, Graham. Does she like chocolate? Vanilla? Strawberry?”
“Oh…strawberry. She really likes strawberry.”
“Well then go and get her strawberry. God, Graham, this isn’t rocket science.”
“Fine! I’ll go and get her some strawberry shakes!”
His shuffling feet was the only sound I heard before the walls shook at the slamming of the door and then the rumbling of his newly restored engine floated up to the windows.
“That car makes more noise than two elephants f…whoa.”
The bed dipped down, and I heard the growling even as I felt it vibrate around me.
“Look, I don’t know why you’re here, but you need to get the hell out.”
“I know you don’t want me here, but I heard what happened. Did this…is this because of me?”
Lem. Are you feeling guilty now? Because you destroyed my fairytale?
“You’re goddamn right this is because of you! God, you’re worse than a girl with your big mouth, you know that? What the hell were you thinking anyway, huh? Telling her that crap—why not just blame her for cancer or something; it’d hurt less!”
“I was telling her the truth because what she plans on doing will have the opposite effect that she’s hoping for. She won’t save anyone’s life by dying, Stacy. You know that.”
Stacy’s body passed over me and her feet padded lightly on the carpet as she stood in front of the bed, blocking Lem’s way to me. “Yeah, well, I don’t know anything about any of that. That’s an angel thing and I only know what to do about Grace and I’m not gonna let you near her.”
So that’s why she moved—he’d moved, too.
“I’m not going to hurt her. I won’t even touch her if she doesn’t want me to. I just want to talk to her.”
“No. I promised Robert that I’d keep her safe and I know that she’s not safe with you. You’re like the absent-minded-angel or something; every time you were suppose
d to be watching her she got hurt.”
“The same thing could be said for N’Uriel.”
That wasn’t true; not really.
“Look, I get that you’ve got the hots for her, but she’s not into you, okay? She’s in love with Robert, and he’s in love with her, and they’re trying to be happy together, for once, so why don’t you just leave them alone and go find someone else.”
“I’m trying to be patient here with you, but you should know that I don’t owe you any loyalty. Your kind shouldn’t exist and no one would miss you if you were exterminated.”
Stacy hissed. It was like hearing a snake on a megaphone. “My kind wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for your kind trying to play God, so who’s more to blame, huh?”
I could hear the hard edge in Lem’s voice as he responded. “No matter what kind of monster you are now, you are still the raw, imperfect human being underneath, filled with your deceit and your greed for power. Since the moment you humans learned of us, you’ve tried every trick to get us to give you even a simple taste of our divinity.
“Even the most innocent looking girl can be a temptress looking to lure us in and steal our souls. It doesn’t matter if they’re peasants or princesses. But you know what? No matter what we do to you, no matter how much power we may give to you, we will always, always be stronger than you because yes, we made you, and we can unmake you.”
“You know, now I understand why that Sam guy was such an asshole: it runs in the family.”
Lem’s voice was warm and pleasant, despite the jab. “I don’t pretend to have loved my son so insulting him really has no effect on me. He was a failure in every way, despite what he was born to be, and I’m glad that he is no longer here to stain the legacy of my kind any longer.”
Stacy was disgusted. “Ugh. He was still your son. You could at least act like he mattered, no matter how screwed up he was.”
“He was also Grace’s brother—have you asked if she’s feeling choked up because of his death?”
“She’s not exactly in the answering mood, if you haven’t noticed.”
No. No, I wasn’t in the mood.
“Well maybe I know of a way to get her in the mood.”
The contrasting silver and gold eyes that filled my vision seemed pained, as if just seeing me laying here hurt him. “Grace, would you like to see your father?”
My reaction was involuntary. “Dad?”
“Holy balls, she said something.” Stacy turned my head so that I was looking at her pale face. “Grace? Are you alright?”
I shook my head; that was the wrong thing to do as a wave of dizziness slammed into me and I rolled over, falling off the bed. Two sets of hands caught me before I hit the floor, each one tugging for possession.
“Let her go.”
“She’s not a prize, Stacy.”
“Then let—her—go, Lem.”
My eyes lifted to look between the two of them; they were glaring at each other, like one of those stupid kid games where whoever looked away first was the loser. Lem’s face was stoic, while Stacy’s showed stubbornness that I was more than familiar with.
“Stop.”
“Grace?” Stacy said again with concern.
“Stop arguing.”
Stacy’s eyes shot daggers at Lem, who leaned back with a smug smile on his face. “I told you I could get her to speak again.”
“You cheated is what you did; offer her the only freaking thing she can’t have…of course she’d say something.”
I pushed both of them away and sat up, another wave of dizziness hitting me before almost instantly disappearing. “I want to see my dad. I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him.”
Stacy shook her head defiantly. “That’s not a good idea, Grace. Your dad’s gonna be majorly pissed off, not only at you, but also at Robert, Ameila, Lark, Graham. He’s already pissed off at the world for what he thinks happened.”
It was difficult, but I managed to somehow grab a hold of the nightstand and use it as leverage to stand. My legs felt like jelly, my stomach lurching and flinching with its own emptiness, but I fought off the nausea and walked towards the door, passing by a speechless Stacy and a triumphant Lem.
I headed to the bathroom, flipping on the light and turning on the faucet to splash my face with some cold water. I reached for my toothbrush and began to brush my teeth, the mundane act comforting in some strange way. I looked up and saw myself, saw the way the foam formed at the corners of my mouth, the way the toothbrush stuck out like it normally did.
My hair was a mess, and I needed a shower, but overall I didn’t look any different. I looked…normal; nothing at all like a girl who held the fate of every single living person in the palm of her hand.
I started to laugh, spitting the foam onto the mirror and speckling my reflection with it. Stacy burst in and looked at me, puzzled.
“Are you okay?”
I nodded and rinsed my mouth. “I’m fine. I’m actually better than fine.”
“Are you sure? Because you’re laughing like you’re about to kill the head cheerleader.”
My laughter grew louder. “I already did!”
Lem walked in and looked at Stacy, a wordless conversation passing between them before he looked at me and smiled. “Grace, what are you talking about?”
“Yeah, you didn’t kill anyone, Grace.”
“Yes, I did. I did. I’m the one who’s responsible for all of those deaths; Mr. Branke, Erica, Mrs. Deovolente, Katie, you…I’m responsible for all of you dying—it’s who I am.
“I can’t escape it. If I die, people will die because of me. If I live, people will die…because of me. And I can’t do anything about it. I’m not an angel—I don’t have wings, I don’t have magical powers, I can’t even fly. The only thing I can do is be around people and then wait for them to die.”
“Grace, there’s a lot more to being Death than that, you know,” Lem said softly.
“I know. The thing is, I don’t want to know any of it. I’ve seen what being Death has done to Robert’s spirit. I’ve seen the light in him slowly dim, but I don’t have any light in me. Yeah, I can cry crystals every now and then, but that’s not going to make me feel better about killing someone. I didn’t grow up thinking that one day, I might have to.
“I didn’t grow up thinking that one day, I’d hear a voice in my head telling me that the only way that the person I’d fall in love with could live is if I died. If Robert’s call is to be Death, and his call tells him that I’m supposed to die, and the voice in my head is telling me that I need to die in order to save his life, then I’m going to listen to that, because if there’s one thing I’m absolutely sure about, it’s that you don’t want me to be responsible for the lives of people if Robert’s dead.”
“Oh Grace,” Stacy murmured before wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me into a cold, hard, yet comforting embrace. “Kinda makes high school seem like a piece of cake, huh?”
“Graham got me through high school. Robert got me through Graham…”
“Well, maybe it’s time you started letting Grace get you through the rest of this.”
I looked into Stacy’s dark eyes and saw the fierce protection and soft, yielding friendship that had always been there. She’d never changed, even after…changing. She faced death almost as many times as I had, and she did it relatively alone. She didn’t have an angel who was willing to sacrifice his life in order to see her live. She fought for her life; she fought for every single second of it, even facing down Death himself.
“You’re right.” She was. She’d done it without being the child of an angel. She’d done it by herself and she did it without breaking the rules.
I didn’t have that option. I’d have to break the rules and make up new ones, but that’s how I existed.
I laughed again. “I’m one long string of broken rules.”
“What?” Lem and Stacy said in unison.
“My entire life is just one big ball o
f broken rules. My mother broke the rules to have me. Graham broke the rules to be my friend. I broke the rules to be with Robert. I don’t know how else to do this without breaking them.”
Confused, Stacy looked at Lem and then at me, her brow wrinkling in an odd, almost slow motion kind of way. “What are you talking about? Break what rules? To do what?”
“Get through this. I’ve been accused of a lot of things, and I may have screwed up a lot, but the one thing I’m not going to be responsible for is the freaking apocalypse. I’m not going to let Robert die, either. I’m not going to let anyone I love die anymore.”
“And how are you gonna do that?”
“By finally relying on myself.”
Stacy looked almost smug as she folded her arms over her chest and gave Lem a withering Glance. “Now that sounds like the Grace I know—stubborn as all hell and not giving up. That’s the Korean in you.”
The snort wasn’t intentional, but once it was out, I didn’t regret it. “I’m not Korean, Stacy.”
“The hell you aren’t! Look, I’ve been around Koreans all my life. I don’t mean my brothers, because let’s face it, I don’t think most of them are even human; especially Brandon. I’m talking about people like my mom; you know, hard headed, stubborn, kim chi eating, han bok wearing, K-drama watching Koreans, okay? You’re Korean.
“Yeah, your mom might not have been up front with the angel thing, but she was stubborn enough to keep her dream of having you alive even after she lost her wings, and that’s one-hundred-percent Korean, okay? Which means you’re Korean; well, half-Korean, anyway.”
My eyes watered at her words. “That’s probably the best thing anyone’s said to me in a really long time.”
“Of course it is. I’m your best Korean friend.”
“You’re my only Korean friend,” I sniffled.
“Well, now that you’ve decided that you’re going to somehow pull off the impossible, why don’t we see about you talking to your father.” Lem’s smile was beautiful and genuine. I almost felt as if just looking at that smile could fix everything. But it couldn’t, and neither could he, no matter what he promised.
