by S. L. Naeole
But as each tear slipped through, I saw some of the darkness that lived behind his eyes begin to disappear. “You’re really here.”
I nodded, my vision blurring as tears distorted his face. “I’m here. It’s really me.”
Again I found myself breathing in his shirt, inhaling the scent of baby powder, the plain white bar of soap he’d always used, the laundry detergent that we bought in bulk because it cost less. I held onto him and felt something inside of me creak, like a faucet being turned or an old door being pushed.
I blinked, inhaled, and then burst open. Every second of guilt I felt for deceiving him came back in a rush of tears and garbled words that got lost in spit and puffy lips. I apologized, but I don’t think he understood what I was saying. I don’t think I even understood what I was saying, I was such a mess.
And then I was let go just as suddenly as I’d been grabbed. Dad turned around. “You son of a bitch! You knew she was alive this whole time and you let me think she was dead!” He flew forward and I could see his intent in the angry thoughts that shot out of him, thoughts that I knew he intended for Robert to see.
“No, Dad!” I shouted before somehow moving around him and blocking his path. “Don’t!”
“Get out of my way, Grace. This is between me and Robert.”
“No, this isn’t! This is between you and me. Robert was only doing this to protect me. I could have told you that I was alive—I had the opportunity to—but I didn’t.”
“What? Why would you do that to me, Grace? Why would you put me through that, knowing what I’ve been through, knowing what I’m going through?”
The tiny plinking of tears hitting the linoleum floor were like tiny bells, hinting at something that he did not yet know. He looked down at his feet and his shoes crunched against the shattered shards. “You…you move very fast.
“You moved too fast.”
“I’m gonna go and put him upstairs in Mom’s room,” Lark said to Dad before leaving us. “I’ll go back and get your things. Graham, come with me.”
“But I wanna hear-”
“Come. With. Me…NOW.”
Graham grumbled, but followed obediently.
I turned my head to see if Stacy was still around but she was gone, taking the opportunity to leave when she had it. I hope she doesn’t go searching for him.
She’s hiding upstairs, Robert’s thoughts revealed.
I sighed, and then returned my attention to Dad. “There’s a lot that you need to know.”
“That’s apparent.”
“I…I talked to Gabriel.”
“That stuck-up winged bastard? What did he have to say?”
“He said…he said that I’m not human. He and the others-”
“The others?” Dad looked at Robert, who stood behind me knowing how much I needed his support. “She spoke to all of them? The four?”
Robert nodded. “I asked for their help. She found out what Avi was-”
“Who told her? Was it you?”
“It was Mel,” I answered. “Mrs. Deovolente told me before she died. I didn’t really believe her but then Lem said it was true and I guess I took it badly.”
“She took it more than badly,” Robert corrected. “She became catatonic with shock. I don’t think she realizes just how scared we all were when that happened. I went to speak to my grandfather and ask him for help.”
“And they decided to come and speak to her,” Dad finished for him.
“They believe that she’s not human at all. I wanted to turn her, but they told me it’s impossible since she’s already divine.”
Dad looked at me and exhaled as though a weight that had rested on his chest for a long time had suddenly been lifted. “The minute Ameila said that she had helped your mother conceive you, I’ve been worried that you wouldn’t be accepted. If even Gabriel says you’re one of them then that means you’re safe.”
“She’s not,” Robert said in a gravelly voice. “Llehmai is the one who’s been trying to kill her.”
“Llehmai? That’s not possible,” Dad argued. “Why do you think it was him? Ameila told me that the evidence pointed to Isis.”
“Before Stacy died, Lark and I helped Grace search through her thoughts. What she saw was chaos and destruction. Stacy’s mind had been attacked, and her attacker had left behind clues as to who he was.”
Robert showed Dad Stacy’s notes and I saw Dad’s eyes roam the sheet, his forehead wrinkling with confusion. Then Robert turned the sheet over, and raised it up towards the light. Dad gasped and recognition hit him with the same ferocity and fear that had slammed into all of us.
“Is that why you just came and snatched me and my son? Because of this?”
“Yes. He is one of the Seraphim who’ve offered to protect you, but you see how that’s not possible any longer.”
Dad’s head tossed from side to side. “I don’t get it, though. He could have killed Grace whenever he wanted to. He’s been alone with her so many times, if he hasn’t killed her by now, he’s probably the incompetent angel in your history.”
“I don’t think he wants to kill me,” I said matter-of-factly. “Not anymore, anyway.”
“Why not?” Dad asked.
“Grace, do not give him the benefit of the doubt after everything he’s done,” Robert advised.
“I’m not giving him the benefit of the doubt. I’m looking at the facts and seeing them for what they are. Dad’s right; he could have killed me at least half a dozen times already, but he didn’t. I don’t know what he wants from me, but it’s not me dead.”
THE DANGER IN TRUST
“Where are you taking us?” I asked as Robert moved in a blur of speed. He stilled long enough to hand me an overstuffed backpack.
“To the only place I know of right now where you’ll be safe.”
“And we’re all going? My dad, Matthew, and me?”
The blur returned. Yes. I understand why you believe that Llehmai doesn’t want to kill you, but he allowed his son to try multiple times. He encouraged it. He condoned it. He is a danger to you and to those you love.
“But what about Janice?”
She will be moved
“Moved? You can’t just move a person in a coma, Robert. She’s attached to all kinds of wires, and she’s got all kinds of doctors looking after her. People will notice that she’s gone. My dad will notice that she’s gone.”
Trust me on this, please.
I huffed. “What about Graham? And Stacy? Lark? And what about you?”
Graham will go wherever Lark goes, and Lark’s call, now more than ever, demands that she be with you. Stacy can take care of herself, but she will know where you will be.
“What about you? Are you coming with us?”
He stopped once again and looked at me. “I will be looking for Llehmai.”
“But what if something happens to you? What if something happens to me? What if the call comes back? You promised that you would stay with me, Robert. Remember? If something happens to you, I’m not strong enough to deal with it again. I’m not. I don’t care who says I’m an angel—you’re the only reason I’m alive.”
He kissed me. His lips were sweet and soft, but I’ve had enough of his kisses to know that this was the kind of kiss he gave to calm me, and I…
Oh hell, I wanted more of it.
“Mmph-Gr-”
I dropped the backpack on the floor and placed my hands on his head. I held him still—surprising the both of us that I could. I let the kiss deepen. I let it become the kind of kiss that didn’t care about calming you. It wasn’t meant to calm. It was meant to excite and build heat and fire and need.
And I needed. I needed so much and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel satisfied. I needed to smell him, to touch the warmth beneath his skin, feel the power that threatened behind his eyes. Everything that made him who he was, even the flaws—especially the flaws—was everything I needed.
So I let him go.
“Why?”
he panted against my mouth as my hands lowered to the tops of his shoulders.
“Because I have you. I already have you. Even if you’re a million miles away, you’re still here with me.”
His eyes sparkled, his smile growing wider with each breath that mingled with mine. “Of course you have me. You own me body and soul.”
“I don’t want to own you, Robert. I just want to love you.”
“Well you do that perfectly.”
“At least I do something well,” I laughed softly.
“You do many things well; some things better than well,” he said thickly.
A cough at the door silenced our exchange, and I turned around to see Dad standing there, a suitcase in one hand, the baby carrier in the other where a red-faced Matthew lay strapped in, his mouth opened in a silent cry.
“I’m sorry—I’m interrupting, I know, but I’ve got a tired and hungry four-month-old and no formula to feed him.”
Robert nodded and then bent down to retrieve my backpack. I took it from him and looped my arms into it, tightening the straps to my back. “I guess it’s time we got going.”
“I’ll see about getting the formula,” Robert said before disappearing.
“You’ve had to say goodbye to him a great deal, haven’t you?”
I looked at Dad’s sympathetic face and nodded. “I knew it wasn’t going to be easy when we started this.”
“It never is, kiddo. It doesn’t matter who you’re with,” he said comfortingly. “It’s even more difficult in your situation, but you’ve managed to handle it a lot better than I did with your mom.”
“You knew what Mom was when you met her…didn’t you?”
He struggled with a reply, but finally managed to answer. “It’s hard to be what I was, come from the family that I did, and not know.”
“Llehmai told me that meeting you was part of her plan.”
“Yes. She told me the truth after you were born. I didn’t care; I loved her. I loved her so much, but seeing you and Robert together, I realize that I didn’t love her as much as she loved me.”
“Why?”
“Because of how strongly you’re fighting to keep what you and Robert have. I didn’t fight at all. I accepted what was going to happen. I accepted it and when it happened, I was prepared for it. If you truly love someone, you’re never prepared to let them go. You do it, but you’re never ready, never able to accept it.
“I loved your mom—I love your mom—but I don’t think I loved her as much as she loved me. I don’t think it’s possible to love an angel more than they love you. It’s why I’m glad I met Janice. Loving her always feels equal; I never feel like I’m coming up short with her. Maybe that’s why I…I feel more lost without her around.”
It was hard to hear these words about Mom spoken by my dad, but at the same time they offered me a window into his head that I didn’t want to look in unless he offered it. I always thought that my mother was his greatest love, that Janice was just filling a role left vacant by my mom’s death. Instead I realized that Janice had filled a role that my mother never held.
Dad, seeing how his words had affected me, put down the suitcase and clasped me in an awkward hip-to-hip embrace. “Your mother was my best friend, Grace. I talked to her every single day we were together; we were everything to each other: family, friend, husband and wife. I would have been more than grateful to have spent every last moment alive with her but she and I both knew that was never going to happen.”
“Do you ever regret it? Being with Mom?”
He clutched me closer to him and I felt his head shake. “Not for a single moment. Even after all of this, I’d do it all over again. Without her, I wouldn’t have you, and if I didn’t have you, I wouldn’t have Janice, and Matthew. God, promise me you’ll never pull a stunt like that again, Grace. Don’t ever, ever make me believe that you’re dead when you’re not.”
“I didn’t mean to,” I swore.
“I know. I know you didn’t. But…when I saw your body, or what looked like your body, I-”
“Dad, don’t. I wish you never had to see that, and if I could have stopped it, I would have. I hated it, I hated doing that to you and I promise that it’ll never, ever happen again.”
“Good. You might be married, and you might be able to throw me across the room, but I’m still your father and I can still send you to your room,” he said lightly.
Robert returned, his arms full of cans of different varieties of formula, his face frozen in confusion. “I didn’t know which one to get. There were so many—how do you choose? Do all human babies require so many options?”
Dad laughed and reached for a blue and white can with the image of a blue duck on the bottom. “This is the one we give him.”
Robert nodded and disappeared again.
“Is he going to buy every single can in the store?” Dad asked.
“Knowing him, yes.”
“Here, hold onto Matthew while I go make him a bottle.”
He left and I reached in to unbuckle the still quietly bawling baby. His cheeks had grown chubbier since I’d last seen him, but then again it could just have puffed up from the contained crying. “Sh-sh, Matthew. Dad’s coming back with your breakfast.”
Almost instantly, he quieted. “Missed me that much, eh?” I chuckled. “Well, I missed you, too.” I kissed the soft cap of hair on his head and looked into chubby face. “You’ve gotten heavy. Maybe you don’t need that bottle after all.”
He squealed and blew out his bottom lip as though he understood. I tugged at it and laughed when he grunted in complaint. I patted his bottom to see if his diaper needed to be changed, and smiled in satisfaction when I found it dry.
“I guess you’re saving all of it up for your brother-in-law, huh?”
Dad returned, a full bottle in his hand. “Okay, it’s breakfast time.”
I handed Matthew over and watched as he practically inhaled the nipple into his mouth, greedily gulping down the milk, each swallow amplified by his hunger.
“Jeez, Dad, when did he last eat?”
“Around nine last night. He’s been going the whole night without getting up so when he wakes up in the morning he always acts like he’s starving,” Dad said as he fed the baby.
“You used to complain all the time about how I never slept at all,” I remembered.
“That’s because you didn’t. Your mother stayed up with you all night with you when you were a baby so that I could get some sleep, but there were times when she’d be so exhausted I’d stay up with you. You were like an owl, always looking around, curious about what was going on. Those big, brown eyes of yours never missed anything. Whenever your mother would put a new toy in your crib, or change the curtains at the window, you’d just stare at them.”
The sound of a burp interrupted us and we both looked down. Matthew had finished the entire bottle and was now fast asleep. “He burps himself?” I asked, amused.
“Yes. I think it’s the only thing I can really claim.”
I giggled. “He looks like a miniature you, Dad; I don’t know why you’d say something like that.”
“Probably because I see so much of his mother in him, just like I see your mother in you,” he said sadly, stroking the baby’s hair and then turning his hand to my face, cupping my chin.
“You know, I’ve never seen any part of Mom in me. I always saw you.”
“That’s a pretty generous thing to say, considering that more than one person has commented on how much you look like your mother.”
“The only person who’s ever really said I look like Mom was Lem, and I’m not really interested in remembering anything he’s told me.”
Dad smiled faintly, nodding in understanding. “Well, let me tell you that you do look like Abigail in some ways. It’s not as striking a similarity as Lark and Ameila, but there are moments when you smile that I swear I’m looking at your mother.”
“Thanks,” I said halfheartedly. Being compared to my moth
er used to be the greatest compliment I’d ever received from him. Now, it was tainted.
“Do you know where they’re taking us?” Dad asked, sensing a need for a subject change as he bent down to put Matthew back in his carrier.
“No,” I said quietly. “He just said that it’s with someone he trusted.”
“Well, I’m just glad that we’ll be together.”
Lark’s face appeared in the doorway. “It’s time. Robert said he’d meet us there.”
“Are we driving?” I asked.
“Yes and no. Your father and Matthew will be going with me. You’ll be riding with Graham.”
“Does he know where we’re going?”
“No. I’ll give him directions as he drives, but he won’t know anything until we get there.”
“But won’t Lem know? Won’t he just follow us?”
She shook her head. “He knows that we know. When news of this reaches the Seraphim and the first circle, he will be banished; he thinks he can outrun them but he should know better who he’s up against.”
Dad grunted, standing up and grabbing the infant carrier. “Banished? You mean all they’ll do is strip him of his divinity, after what he’s done to my family?”
“His divinity, his beauty… It’s the standard punishment for his crimes, you know that, James.”
“But I don’t get it,” I said with reluctance. “He didn’t do anything that was worse than what Sam did; why is he being punished when Sam wasn’t? I mean, they actually made Sam better! Why would they punish Lem and not him?”
Lark exhaled in dissatisfaction that mimicked mine. “Because Sam never abused his position, while Llehmai has.”
“You don’t sound convinced,” Dad noticed.
“That’s because I’m not,” she said simply.
“Hey, are you guys coming or not?” Graham called out from the bottom of the stairs.
Dad lowered to grab a hold of his suitcase and then looked at me. “Let’s go, Grace. We can complain about this later.”
He kissed my forehead and then turned to face Lark. “I don’t know how you’re going to do this, but Matthew and I are ready.”
