The Upside of Letting Go

by Nacole Stayton

  Time to face the facts. My entire family is dead. My life will never be the same. I broke up with the only guy I ever truly cared about, Jude. Just thinking about him makes my heart ache. He was nothing but strong when I was weak. He was the only constant when my world was turned upside down. What did I do to the only person I had left to love me? I cheated on him. I cheated myself from the one person who understood me. It was so surreal because he was still so kind to me. He said he could forgive me. He knew I was grieving and using sex as a tool to feel close to someone. He was right. Even when he held me and tried to tell me he wouldn’t leave me, my mind was elsewhere. I was sitting in Jude’s arms plotting who to screw next. I didn’t stop plotting until I had run through more guys than I could count and had a pregnancy scare. With no one to run to because I pushed everyone away, I finished the semester and transferred here. Not only did I lose my family back home in New Jersey, but I lost myself too. It took me nearly two years to notice I was self-destructing, and the only way to stop was to leave. I know running from your problems never solves anything, trust me, every shrink I’ve been to tells me that same ole speech, but I didn’t run. I hauled ass out of Little Falls and caught the first bus here. I chose Tuscaloosa because I knew this place was important to Jude. Not that I wanted to be found, but I felt like I was able to leave and stay connected to the people who I loved most. I have a screwed up way of showing it, but other than my parents, he was the one other person I loved in the world. Tuscaloosa was his hometown, my new home.

  I’m sitting on my bed, hands trembling as I’m typing in my user name HaleM2007 and my password Judesgal, then hitting login. Why are you doing this? You’re just setting yourself up. You know everyone moved on and has forgotten the murder in their neighborhood. My page loads as my wall appears with familiar faces everywhere. It’s like I’m looking at my high school yearbook.

  There’s Abby. Her status says “Headed to Jared’s boathouse. It’s going to be an all-nighter!”

  I scroll down reading more of my high school friends’ statuses. They all seem happy, carefree, experiencing things in college the way I should be. I’m envious of each of them; as I push my jealous thoughts away, somewhere deep where I hide all my pain, I notice a post from Jude. I can’t bring myself to read it, so I scroll down as fast as I can. Lord, give me strength.

  I know I broke up with him. Hell, I tore his heart out. His family had given me a place to live to finish my senior year of high school and gain back some normalcy. They did everything they could to help me with funeral arrangements. His dad even restored one of my dad’s cars he had in our garage. I could never bring myself to drive it, but it was the thought that counted. They were like my second family, and I pushed them all away. How the hell was I expected to live next to the house where my father murdered my entire family and then took his own life?

  I hear the nozzle of the shower twist and the water stops flowing, bringing me back to reality. I log out of Facebook and set the computer on my desk and glance at the clock.

  “What the hell is she doing in there?” I say to myself.

  “What did you say doll?” asked Lucy as she walked out of the bathroom in her hot pink towel.

  “Nothing,” I reply sharply.

  “Okay, I thought about it in the shower, and I’m sorry I assumed you were interested in Kyler. I’ve seen so many girls kicked to the curb when he was done with them. I just don’t want to see your pretty face with mascara and tears running down it because of a guy one day,” she says while throwing her blonde hair over her shoulder and towel drying it.

  “Thanks. I appreciate your concern Luce, I really do, but I’ve got this,” I wink at her and stride to the now unoccupied bathroom. “Give me an hour or so,” I say as I turn and lock the door.

  “Umm, honey? What are you doing?” asks Lucy as I’m tying the laces on my sneakers.

  “Getting dressed. You?” I glance up at her.

  “I get your whole ‘I’m a tough and independent bad-ass’ style you have going on, but we’re going to a western bar. I guess it’s true that you can take the girl out of the city but you can’t take city out of the girl,” she laughs while placing her hands on her hips.

  “Come on. This outfit is fine.” I wave my arms up and down my sides. She looks at me like I’ve grown another head. “What? It’s cute! My jeans are flaunting all my great assets, and this top wasn’t cheap! I look hot, and this is what I’m wearing,” I say stubbornly. Lucy grabs my hand and leads me to the full length mirror hanging behind our door.

  “Look at yourself,” she says while gesturing to the mirror. “You have curves to die for. Beautiful auburn hair I would personally kill for. Your skin is flawless. You have lips people would pay to have injected and big brown eyes that are screaming with lust. And these,” she holds her hands under her breasts so it looks like she is holding a box, “let’s show some off,” giggling as she shakes her chest behind me. “Let me dress you tonight? I swear you won’t be disappointed and neither will all the male species at the bar!”

  I turn to face her. It’s hard to resist when she is putting the charm on heavy while holding her hands in a praying position and whispering, “Please!” over and over. I’m sure that’s the pouty lip she gives to her daddy when she wants a new horse or something shiny from Tiffany & Co.

  “Fine,” I reluctantly say while rolling my eyes. “Nothing too sleazy. Okay, a little sleaze is fine, but nothing over the top.” We make eye contact, and her face looks like a five-year-old’s expression on Christmas morning.

  “Okay. Sit down and close your eyes,” she says giddy with excitement. I do as I’m instructed.

  It seems like a week has passed when she finally tugs on my arm and tells me she is done. She tells me to keep my eyes closed as she holds my arm and guides me up from the chair. “Open them,” she whispers.

  I’m standing in front of our mirror again, and I’m startled to see the girl looking back at me. My mouth drops open at my reflection. I’m wearing a strapless, floral printed dress with pale pink, teal, and purple flowers all over it, paired with a pair of nude wedges. My hair is curled and tied to the side behind my ear. My makeup is so light that it’s barely noticeable with rosy cheeks and pink lips. Soft brown and gold hues highlight my eyes, a far cry from the dark smoky colors I normally rock.

  “Earth to Hale! What do you think doll?” she asks, batting her eyelashes at me, begging for my approval.

  Before she can blink again I wrap my arms around her. I’m sure she is shocked since any form of affection isn’t really my thing. “I needed a change. It’s what I came here for. Thank you.” I never meant to change my appearance, but seeing the girl staring back at me in the mirror with a glimmer of hope in her eye is exactly the change I’ve been searching for. It’s like I am staring at the old Hale, the Hale who isn’t haunted with recurring nightmares from which she can’t wake up. I guess it won’t hurt to put my guard down for one night. What’s the worst that can happen?

  “Then let’s hit this town baby!” she says as we grab our clutches and walk hand and hand out of the dorms. It seems to be our thing. She is my only friend in the entire world right now, so I don’t really mind the innocent hand holding.

  Walking into Drake’s Pub feels like a breath of fresh air. I practically lived in a bar for the last few years. It’s not something I’m proud of by any means, but it led me here, to a new beginning. “Hey ladies,” I hear Kevin holler from across the small room, holding up a beer as he motions us over.

  Lucy kisses him on the cheek. “Hey baby.”

  “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Haley Martin in the flesh. You know, you made quite a name for yourself at my party. Your beer is on me tonight darling,” Kevin says with a wink that makes my skin crawl. “Go see Kyler at the bar. He’ll put it on my tab.”

  I scowl at the name. “Excuse me. See who at the bar?”

  “Kyler King. You met him last night…I asked him to take you home. Unless you went back out, go
t tore up, and forgot who dropped you off,” he says, reminding me why I think he is a total douchebag.

  I glance over at Lucy, who is trying not to make eye contact with me. I can tell once our eyes finally meet that this is news to her too. I make my way through the crowd and approach the bar. I see Kyler standing behind it. He doesn’t look like his usual self. Tonight he isn’t the uptight college boy I keep running into. Instead he is wearing tight denim jeans that are so low I can see his gray Calvin Kleins and a black v-neck shirt that has Drake’s logo over his colossal chest muscles. Whoa, muscles and biceps galore. He must have felt someone staring because he glances up. His smile quickly fades when he sees it is me.

  “Mandy, I need some help over here,” he calls over his shoulder to a girl with a black pixie cut.

  “Ky, I’m packed down here!” she hollers back, ignoring his plea.

  If you could read someone’s face, it was as plain as day he didn’t like me nor did he want to wait on me. Good thing it’s your job to wait on me buddy.

  “What’s your poison?” he asks as he finally made his way over to where I’m standing.

  “I’ll have a vodka tonic, and my friend will have a lemon drop,” I try to mask my irritation from his attitude.

  “ID?”

  “Yeah, no problem.” I lay my license in front of him on the counter.

  “That’s impressive. It looks just like you,” he eyes my license then hands it back to me.

  “That’s because it is me,” I say through gritted teeth.

  I don’t know when or why his demeanor changed, but today he has proved to be a royal ass just like every other pig on the planet. I don’t know him from Adam, but for some reason I thought he would be different. Like the other night, he seemed distant but at least his attitude was tolerable. For the second time today it seems like the sight of me sends him running for the hills. He grabs the vodka and starts mixing my drink. He slides the finished product over towards me.

  “See if it’s up to your standards,” he folds his arms over his chest and leans back on the steel refrigerator.

  I notice his forearm muscles tensing just like his jawline, almost in exact unison. “Delicious,” I lick my lips. Two can play this game, and I don’t think he knows he is playing with fire. I’ve gotten pretty good at loving and leaving, so if this is what his cold shoulder is about, then tonight I’d be more than happy to give him a whirl and send him on his merry way. I know I’m supposed to steer clear of him, and Lord knows I do not need a relationship of any kind, but sex is just sex, right? He is gorgeous, and it’s hard not to appreciate beauty when you keep running into it head on.

  He turns around from helping with another customer and asks, “Kevin’s tab, right?”

  I nod my head yes, and he turns around without another word. “Kyler,” I yell out, remembering he didn’t give me Lucy’s drink. I can see him hesitate before he slowly spins around. I feel his eyes on me, looking at me like we are the only two people in the room. I instantly feel goosebumps cover my skin. My chest rises as my breath catches, fighting for air. I don’t know why I suddenly feel like mush, but I can’t force my eyes away from the glare he is shooting my way. Then I see the girl he addressed as Mandy moments before standing behind him. She clears her throat as she presses her lips together, resembling a duck. Quack, quack. She must have noticed our weird exchange because she is shooting daggers from her eyes to mine. If only looks could kill.

  Before he can turn around again I blurt out, “You forgot my lemon drop.”

  He stares for a few more seconds before bending to pick up a bottle of alcohol and mixing up another concoction. His arm extends as he places it on the counter, out of my reach. I move a few chairs over to pick up the cup and then turn on my heels and huff, “Thanks for your help asshole.”

  “What did you say?” His voice sounds challenging. He obviously heard me. I don’t know why he would want me to repeat it.

  I look straight in into his piercing blue eyes and repeat my last comment. He smirks then walks away towards his waiting customers.

  “Whatever,” I mumble under my breath as I prepare to fight my way back through the crowd. Who is this guy and why is he a moody ole man? One minute he seems like he could be really cool and chill, the next I feel like he wants to bite my head off.

  I make my way back to our table as Kevin is begging Lucy to dance. She has made it clear in the last several minutes that she is hesitant to leave my side, especially after I’ve been bombarded by Kyler’s presence. But we came here to have a good time, and it’s our first night out, so I wink at her letting her know I am fine. Blowing me a kiss she takes Kevin’s hand as he leads her to the middle of the bar where people are all crammed together dancing. I’m standing at a little table in the corner nodding to the music. I’m not going to lie, this really isn’t my scene. In Jersey there are nightclubs, like so many people you lose your friends and start hanging out with random people, packed. The atmosphere here is totally different from any club or bar I’ve ever been to. Here I can almost feel people staring at me. I’d like to think it’s because Lucy did a hell of a job on my hair and outfit choice, but I know better. I’m starting to contemplate leaving when I feel a pair of hands wrap around my waist.

  “You don’t think I’d let you get off the hook that easily did you?” a familiar voice asks from behind me.

  How many personalities does this guy have? So far I have seen the college jock Kyler playing admin in the SAC, the wild motorcycle Kyler, and now the sexy as hell bartender Kyler that is whispering in my ear. His personalities were giving me whiplash, but in this moment all I can say is, “Kyler,” as he drags me to the middle of the hardwood floor.

  I’m not worried about dancing in the slightest. The old me was a varsity cheerleader all four years of high school. Lord knows my edgy appearance wouldn’t lead anyone in that direction, but I have moves like Mick Jagger, and they’re about to be unleashed on this unsuspected boy. We make our way through a mass of people to the center of the dance floor. Kyler’s body is pressed tightly against my back, so hard I can feel the outline of the button holding his faded jeans. His hands are placed right above my waistline, grasping me firmly like he is scared I might run if he lets go. Our bodies fit perfectly together, like they were made to dance with each other. We start to sway to the beat of the music. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol or his bare skin touching mine, but raunchy thoughts keep running through my head like a giant sign hanging over the freeway flashing DETOUR in bright red letters. Except I am choosing not to detour; I like the road I’m headed down. I can feel his breath on my neck. The warmth of the air coming through his lips and the lingering smell of beer makes my body shiver in excitement. We stay in the same position, grinding on each other for most of the song, but it’s been too long since I have let loose.

  I can feel the music, the beat running rampant in my mind. Suddenly it’s like my body takes over and, I’m no longer controlling my own movements. The chorus plays again as I bend down until my knees are bent and my face is pointing towards the ground. I slowly extend my body back up while running my fingers up my hips and placing Kyler’s hands firmly on my waist. I hear Kyler laugh under his breath, but I can feel how turned on he is from the bulge in his jeans, so I know he isn’t laughing at me directly. I turn around so we are looking at each other and wave my index finger back and forth in his face while pressing my lips together tightly. He looks at me curiously as I take a step back from him. Our bodies still keeping in tune with the song, I start to move to my own rhythm. My hands caress my sides as they make their way up past my head and into the air. I close my eyes and let the music flow through my body like I was made for dancing to this specific song. When I open them, he is staring at me with an unmistakable yearning burning in his pupils. If there were a bedroom here, I have no doubt he would sling me over his shoulder and have his wicked way with me. Thinking about it, knowing in this moment I would let him, only fuels hormones and causes my body
to thrust towards him. Mission accomplished.

  I start to turn around knowing I have to remove myself from this situation before it’s too late, leaving him with a little sample of what he will never experience. I know he wants to by the glare in his pleased eyes, but there is a line I am way too close to crossing right now. Before both of my heels spin on their axes, he grabs me by the wrist and pulls me towards his chest. Our faces collide and become one as our eager lips meet. My brain is taken off guard as my lips graciously move with his, performing a dance of their own. His calloused hands are pulling the little strands of hair on my neckline caused by the tight grip he has on me. I don’t know when I grabbed his face, but I can feel his five o’clock shadow under each of my palms. I hear the music stop and restart to a more energetic song, but we stay swaying to our own rhythm, in our own world. When my eyes finally open, I see Lucy standing behind Kyler, shaking her head in disapproval.

  “Oh shit,” I look back and forth between Kyler and Lucy. I feel like my body is frozen in place as though my parents just caught me making out. The thought makes my heart ache knowing that isn’t a reality. Kyler breaks my trance by putting his arm around my waist in an innocent gesture, but I feel like he is marking his territory. I jerk away and take a step back, looking for the exit, knowing damn well I should have never danced with him.

  “Haley!” he calls out as I turn and run into the nearest unoccupied bathroom.

  Strike three has far been exceeded. I should be out of the game. How many times are you going to look like an ass in front of him? I look into the mirror at my own reflection knowing I shouldn’t have danced with him, but I couldn’t help myself! I’m not the type of girl to act foolish around a guy but dammit if I just didn’t. You’re breaking your rules over a dude? I turn on the faucet, splashing cold water on my face. Once I feel slightly better, I grab a napkin to wipe some of the sweat from dancing off of my neck and chest. I hear a faint knock on the door.