I stand on the side of the picnic table to hop on his sculpted back. There is no way in hell I’m getting bit by a snake. I close my eyes enjoying the night air on my skin and Kyler’s warm hands holding me behind my knees. When I open my eyes again he is setting me on my feet in front of a big red barn. He unlatches a tarnished hook and slides one of the doors open. We walk inside, and he hits the light switch to his left. The lights flicker on, highlighting the large stable we are now standing in as several horses poke their heads out of their stalls. He takes my hand as he guides me around a mountain of hay into a little room in between two stalls. There is a sign on the outside of the door that proclaims that this is the Tack Room. I wonder what that means. He flicks the lights on. There is a twin bed with a light blue duvet pushed up against the wall, a white mini fridge next to a pedestal sink and a stand up shower with a dark blue curtain hanging from a metal pole above it. Kyler leaves me standing in the tiny room for a second then comes back with two towels, two washcloths, and a bar of soap.
“Do you want to go first?” He lays the towels on an upside down bucket sitting by the shower.
“Go ahead. I want to look around, if that’s okay?”
“Sure. There is a horse at the far end pinned up, so be careful not to go around her. I’ll only be a few minutes in here,” he starts to lift his shirt up over his head. I catch myself staring, so I quickly turn around and shut the door before I hear him turn on the water. I walk down towards the other end of the barn where a dark brown horse eating some grain catches my eye. She is so beautiful. I walk over to touch her nose as I notice a guy kneeling in the stall. He must have heard me because he looks up. I know Kyler said he knew the owner of the farm, but how could I explain to a random person that we were breaking in just to shower?
“Hey,” the guy says, appearing unbothered by my presence.
“Oh, hi. I’m sorry to barge in on you, uh, working, but I’m here with Kyler. We were at the pond, and it got dark, and he said we could take quick showers here because he works for Roy sometimes.” Oh God, I was rambling.
“Kyler’s here?” The guy asks while standing up, looking towards the direction I came from.
“He’s in the shower,” I nervously reply.
“Well, that little twerp didn’t even stop by the house and tell us he was here today.” He wipes his hands off on his jeans and extends one to me. I thought Kyler was good-looking, and not to say this guy puts him to shame, but he comes pretty close. “I’m Trent,” he says as he shakes my hand.
“Hi, I’m Haley.” I pull my hand back into my personal space.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you, and welcome to our farm,” he gestures.
“Sorry to barge in. I should go see if Kyler is done. Thank you for not calling the police on us for using your shower.” I turn around and practically run in the direction of the room.
“The police? Why on earth would I call the police?” Trent chuckles from behind me.
“For breaking into your farm and using your shower.” I try not to sound like a bitch, but it seems like a given why he would call the cops on us. His expression looks confused, so I continue, “Kyler brought me and some friends to the shed thingy he has out in the meadow. He said Roy wouldn’t mind if we used the showers, but I didn’t know you would be here working, and I am sure it is strange to see random people coming in and using the facilities.”
He starts to laugh at me, like really laugh, bending over holding his stomach while bellowing out. What’s so funny? Before I can ask him I see Kyler rounding the corner wearing only his jeans.
He sees me then eyes Trent bent over laughing. He walks up, snakes his arm around my waist, and asks, “What the hell is so funny Tre?” Does he know him? Of course he does, because Trent stops laughing and grabs Kyler in a sideways manly hug. I clear my throat because this whole situation has suddenly become awkward.
“I’m going to grab a quick shower so I can get back to Lucy. I’m sure she’s bored down there with Kevin,” I say while escaping whatever is going on between Kyler and Trent. I walk back to the room and shut the door. This is beyond uncomfortable, but I wonder how they know each other. Knowing I have my own secrets, I decide being nosey and opening up a door I definitely don’t want to open was a lost cause. I toss the thoughts to the side and get undressed.
I’m in the shower for about five minutes before I hear the creaky door opening letting in a cold breeze. I grab the towel from the bucket and dry off while still in the shower stall. When I get out, Kyler is lying on the bed with his arm over his head. Trent was a sight for sore eyes, but looking at Kyler relaxing in nothing but worn jeans and boots was doing something to my libido. I stand in the middle of the room waiting for him to sit up and say something. But he doesn’t; he just continues to lie there. It’s been a while since I was with anyone. Sex normally isn’t a big deal to me, and in the past I would have already made a move and been lying under Kyler, but something didn’t feel right. I want to jump his bones of course, but the pull I feel towards him is different. I can’t really explain it, but I want him, crave him, and almost need him as much as my next breath. I haven’t felt like this since before my world came crashing down, and Jude and I lived in our own perfect place. Our relationship was so easy, just like breathing.
Jude was the perfect boyfriend, always attentive to my needs and desires. We finally had sex during our second year in high school. I had nothing to compare it to, but from what I’d seen in movies. I called it lovemaking. He would rather spend time with me and blow off his football friends; I wouldn’t ask him to do it, he just would. I guess it was easy considering he lived next to me since we were both five years old. Our relationship was built on a friendship and just grew into something more. To say I don’t miss him would be a lie. I miss everything from that time in my life. But to allow myself to think about Jude and the life we had together would mean I would have to think about my family and those are memories I want to keep buried if I can. It doesn’t hurt when I don’t let them surface.
I’m standing in the middle of the small room when Kyler finally stretches and sits up. I feel his eyes gaze over my towel-covered body in a hungry way that should make me feel violated but only turns me on. In this moment I don’t care about anything else except filling this void in my heart, and with Kyler looking at me like he wants to accomplish the same goal, I know what’s about to happen.
He stands up and glides over to me with a look of confidence in his eyes. His tender touch that slides around my waist puts me at ease. I look up into his piercing blue eyes as his lips find mine. He kisses me softly like he thinks my lips are made of porcelain and might break under his faint touch and then slides his other hand around my terrycloth covered waist, leading me to the bed. There are no words to explain the vigor I feel in the room. Pulling me towards him, he doesn’t speak either, signaling he feels the same way.
The look he is giving me makes goose bumps rise all over my naked body. I shiver, but we both know it isn’t from being cold. He stands up and removes his jeans, sliding them to the floor effortlessly before he climbs onto the twin bed taking my body in his arms. There are a thousand thoughts that cross my mind, all of which include Kyler putting out the flames that have ignited in my core. He nips at my bottom lip with his teeth as he lowers his face to my jaw line, mimicking the same movement. I’m not the modest type so I reach up and tug his sandy blonde hair, entwining my fingers in it while I softly pull his head up to meet mine. I kiss his puffy lips a few times before I take his lower lip in my mouth and softly suck it. My sudden movement and bold behavior must have set him off because he grabs both of my wrists and in one quick turn I am lying under him breathing heavily. The sounds of air entering our lungs are the only sounds I can hear other than our bodies slowly rubbing against each other.
“Are you sure?” Kyler whispers softly into my ear as his body rests on his elbows, hovering above me.
“Yes,” I whisper although I want to scream it at the to
p of my lungs. I feel both of his hands reach up and grab the sides of my face. He lowers his mouth to meet mine as he takes advantage of my open mouth and presses his tongue deep into it. We lay there kissing, exploring each other’s naked bodies until we both can’t handle waiting any longer. He starts to ease back and adjust himself towards my opening. I can feel his bare skin rubbing against mine.
“Kyler, wait. Do you have a condom?” I pray he does.
“Shit. I don’t have one with me. Are you on birth control?”
“Yes, of course–” I say as our bodies become one in a swift motion. I clench my eyes shut, feeling his length enter me while trying to count how many days I have gone without my pill. “Just pull out Ky, just in case.”
“Ahh,” he groans as our bodies find their own rhythm.
I start to close my eyes, reeling in the ecstasy my body feels. “Keep them open. I want to see you when I make you scream my name for the first time.” He sounds so sure of himself, like he knows I will be screaming his name in a matter of time. His cockiness only makes me hungrier for his body that is filling me, completing me.
My body starts to convulse as tremors shake through me, causing my back to arch into Kyler’s chest. “Kyler,” I cry out with passion just like he desired.
“That’s it baby, let it go.” As if my body was waiting for permission, I let all of the built up lust go before my body went limp in his embrace.
“Shit, fuck yeah Hale.” His movements become faster. “Ahh yeah…” He moaned as he found his own release, his body shaking on top of mine.
I won’t say what happened was love making, because we are nowhere near that place, but it was as intimate as possible and way exceeded my expectations. My brain isn’t focused on the past, Jude or my parents. In this moment I’m only focused on the body lying on top of mine. I feel guilty knowing this sentiment won’t last forever. We both agreed on a no strings attached relationship; strings meant emotions and they were off limits in our case. But I can’t seem to shake the sense that he felt something when our bodies met. The look he had in his blue eyes said “I care about you” without the actual words being spoken. I felt it, I know I did, but knowing it won’t mean anything in the future makes my heart feel heavy. I pray he isn’t having the same doubtful thoughts as he lies tangled in the sheets beside me.
I hear a knock at the door. Kyler’s head is lying on my chest, and I am stroking his back. He must have fallen asleep because he doesn’t flinch at the noise. I shake him a little to wake him, and when he does, he has a huge smile on his face. I can’t help but mimic the same expression after we spent the last few hours together. He gives me a quick peck on the lips and jumps out of the bed buck naked. I laugh while tossing his jeans at him as he is opening the door.
“You showered just to get dirty again?” Kevin has an annoying giant smirk on his face.
“Cut it out dude, what’s up?” Kyler asks as he shuts the door enough so Kevin doesn’t get a full view of me on the bed.
“Lucy doesn’t feel very well. She is going on about sun poisoning or something and wants to leave. I’m sober. Trust me. I’ve been watching her puke for a few hours, so if you guys are done doing the deed, we should head out.” Kyler turns around shutting the door in his face.
“Are you ready?” I am already up, getting dressed, and throwing his sweatshirt over my head.
“Yeah, I’m ready,” I walk by him opening the door. “Kevin, is she okay?”
“She will be once we get her home and get her into a cold shower,” he replies.
I walk outside from the stables to see that Lucy is already in the truck. Kevin must have drove up here. I run around to the passenger side and slide in next to her. She mumbles something, but I can’t make out what she says. I honk the horn, wishing they would hurry. They come out, shutting the barn door behind them. I wonder where Trent went as we pack into the truck and make our way back to the university. We have to pull over a few times for Lucy to poke her head out of the window and vomit, but we make it back to the dorm fairly quickly. The boys help get her upstairs as I run a cold bath. Kevin goes into the bathroom to undress her and help her into the tub. Kyler and I stand in the middle of dorm in silence. I don’t really know what to say after our amazing sex; a thank you doesn’t seem appropriate.
“Make sure she drinks plenty of water tonight, and if she develops a fever, bring her to the clinic down the street,” his instructions break the silence.
“Kyler, I got this,” I mumble as I lay out some pajama bottoms and a tank top for her on her bed.
“Okay, I’m going to head out then. It’s getting late, and I have an early class tomorrow. I’ll text Kev and tell him to walk home,” Kyler tucks his hands in his jean pockets.
“Okay, sounds good,” I look everywhere but directly at him, paying extra attention not to make eye contact. I hear him turn around then the door opens and closes. A few minutes later Lucy and Kevin come out of the bathroom. She is wrapped up in a towel and sits on the corner of her bed.
“Well, hello pukey, how are you feeling?”
“Like death,” she responds as she lies in fetal position on her bed.
“Thanks for helping her while I was busy Kevin, but I got it from here. Kyler already left. I’m sorry, but he said you’ll have to walk home.”
“Oh, no worries. Feel better Luce. and text me if you need anything.” He bends to kiss the top of her head before he leaves the room. I help Lucy get into her pajamas and tuck her into bed.
“Why can’t he be this sweet and caring all the time Hale?”
“I don’t know baby girl, but I admit it was strange seeing him being so attentive to you. I didn’t know it was possible, but he isn’t as big of a loser as I thought,” I admit. I crawl into my own bed and fluff my pillow.
“Night Hale, and thank you,” I hear her murmur.
“You’re welcome honey.” Silence fills the air between us as my mind starts to wander. “Luce, you still up?”
“Yeah.”
“I think I like him,” I whisper, unsure why I am confessing this to myself let alone anyone else.
“I know you do babe. We’ll talk about it later though, okay?”
“Yeah. Sure. Night.” I turn over and immediately regret speaking the words out loud. I can lie to myself and pretend our time in the barn was meaningless, but now someone else knows, and I feel vulnerable.
When we wake in the morning Lucy seems to be back to her normal, peppy self. She showers and heads out the door sporting a smile instead of a hangover. I wish I were that lucky. I groan and pull the covers back over my head drifting off to sleep, thanking God I don’t have classes scheduled today.
We finally get around to taking our mid-terms since Thanksgiving break snuck up on us. Another dreaded holiday. Normally I just go to a little diner or a restaurant by myself. I try to blend in so it doesn’t look strange that I’m not celebrating the holidays with my family, but someone always notices. It’s usually the waitress who asks why I’m not at home, and year after year it’s the same answer. I tell them that I was sick of my dad treating me like a child and couldn’t hang around him all day, so I left. They seem to believe that story. I stay and eat my meal in peace, and they don’t say another word. This year would be no different. It marks the third Thanksgiving without my family and the third loneliest meal I will have eaten.
Lucy is packing her tote when I come in from taking my last test before fall break. “Are you not going home for Thanksgiving Hale?”
“Nope, not this year. I’d figure I would just stick around here.” One reason why we get along so well is because she doesn’t ask questions. She must know something is up with the way I dodge family topics, but she never pushes for information. Sometimes I lie awake at night feeling guilty, like I’m lying to her or something, but there are some things I’m just not comfortable sharing. My past is one of them. She smiles politely like she always does and continues packing her bags. I take a quick shower. When I come back
out, there is a folded note on my bed.
Hale, I hope you have a good break. I’ll be gone most of the week but will come back early so you don’t have to spend the entire break alone. Love ya bestie :).
I spend most of the day catching up on my anatomy and physiology study guide, preparing for my NCLEX-PN, and then take a nice, long bubble bath and relax the rest of the evening. This morning I woke up to a text from Kyler wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving. We haven’t really seen each other much since that night in the barn. I think we’re both trying to give each other a little space so this imaginary line we drew doesn’t get crossed too early in our agreement, not that I don’t like him, or couldn’t, in that way. He obviously has a lot of characteristics I would look for in a guy, but I’m not looking in the slightest. To make matters worse, when we all hang out it’s like we’re the fabulous four. It’s great at the time because we can all laugh and have fun, but then Kyler gets in these moods, and he wants nothing to do with me, friendly or not. I can understand him pulling back because I recognize myself doing it at times, but it still makes me feel bizarre and kind of used. I should have known it would happen. I went into this thinking it was on my terms, but he really is the one calling the shots and lately he isn’t calling at all. I only wear a chastity belt around my heart. The rest of my body is fair game.
I’m sure no one would be out and about since it was a national holiday, so I get up and make some cereal. Then I watch a few movies on my laptop until dinner time rolls around. It was like my own tradition to get all dolled up and go out for dinner, so I took extra time getting ready. I’m wearing black leggings under a tight, dark gray dress with tall black boots and silver hoop earrings. If Luce could see me now, I know she would be proud of my dinner attire. I click a quick picture of myself and text it to her. Since I don’t have a car, I call a cab before I leave the dorm, but when I walk out front, Kyler is sitting in his truck. When he sees me walk out, he gets out of his truck holding a dozen roses. What the hell?
The Upside of Letting Go Page 7
