“Whoa, is this for me Hale?” Her voice sounds innocent.
“Yes. Do you like it?” I ask, eager to hear her response.
“I love it, and I love you!” she yells and jumps up onto my lap and gives me a hug as she holds the American Girl doll I had shipped in from New York. I bought Trent a new saddle and the other boys an Xbox system and video games to share. Lastly, I hand Roy a small box. I got him a watch I saw at the mall a few days ago. Kyler is always talking about how time stands still in the country, but I never noticed Roy wearing a watch, so I thought it was fitting.
“Thank you Hale. You shouldn’t have done this. You way outdid yourself.” Roy grins from ear to ear.
“You’re welcome, but trust me, I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I reply.
Afterwards Roy gave the kids their gifts and then ours. I open mine first from Roy and the kids. It’s a small silver pendent with the initial K hanging from the necklace. “It’s beautiful,” I say while admiring the jewelry in my hands.
“You are part of our family Hale,” says Suzie. I never thought I would have the opportunity to hear those words again. The sound of the word ‘family’ brings me to the verge of tears.
“Thank you all very much. I love it.” I try to hold back the tears that are forming. I haven’t given much thought to Kyler and our future. Tomorrow is never promised, but hearing Suzie’s voice so excited as she casually talks about me like family makes me wonder about it.
“Here ya go son.” Roy hands Kyler a blank envelope and a small box. Kyler doesn’t open it. He doesn’t even look at it. He just lays it to the side without a second glance.
“Ky Ky, don’t forget about what I got you,” Suzie hands him a big box wrapped in bright blue paper with little white cats wearing elf costumes. You can tell she wrapped it herself and how proud she is to give it to him. Kyler opens the box and pulls out a jacket. It’s camouflage and resembles a jacket a hunter would wear.
“Uncle Mark’s big coat! I found it in the attic and daddy said I could give it to you!”
“I love it. Thank you Suz.” Kyler kisses her on the forehead.
We clean up all the wrapping paper before the kids start messing with their new toys. Kyler walks out the back door heading for the barn. He seems a little standoffish ever since we opened our gifts. I wonder what got to him, so I finish drying the dishes and follow him out to the barn. When I open the door, he is sitting in a chair staring at the horses. He must have heard me because he looks over his shoulder. His face is distant and emotionless.
“They were killed by a drunk driver,” he blurts out. No greeting or hello would suffice to his confession, so I don’t respond as I walk up to him and sit on his lap, facing away from him towards an empty stall. His arms wrap themselves around my stomach as I lean back onto his chest. “My twin sister, Riley, was an artist. She was so talented; some guy from the University offered to host a gala downtown with all of her paintings. A drunk driver hit my parents on their way there. My dad was wearing this coat,” he says as he holds up the sleeve to the coat Suzie just gave him.
“I’m so sorry baby,” I try to sooth him from the rush of feelings he was just hit with.
“My sister dropped all of her classes after the funeral. She kept going downhill. About two months after they died, she committed suicide. I opened the door to her room and tripped over her dead body,” he says before pausing and taking in a deep breath. I know how hard this must be for him to say those words out loud, so I squeeze his hand letting him know I feel his agony. Unfortunately, I know all too well.
He squeezes my hand back and then continues, “After that I moved out and joined the fraternity. Kevin and I were friends before, so it was easy to get in.”
“She probably had no clue that this jacket would stir up all of these feelings.” I kiss his neck trying to distract his mind and stop him from going down memory lane. The memories are all we have. Our brains have their own way of harboring the emotions we have stored away. I only know from experience that once we allow those gates to fall, there is no way to stop the feelings from rushing out.
“It’s not the jacket. I’m glad she gave it to me. All of my parents’ and Riley’s things are stored in the attic. Sometimes I go up there and just look around. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel closer to them. This farm was theirs. Roy and the kids moved in when they died, and he agreed to run things until I finished college. Then he and Kathy got divorced. She couldn’t handle living a life that was meant for my parents. Suzie was diagnosed, and that was the last straw. So she packed up, left, and hasn’t been back since.”
“Kyler, I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am, but please know that if there is anyone in the world who understands, it’s me. I wish I could take away your agony, but I have that same pain in my heart, and it only started feeling better since I met you. At first it was just a physical attraction when I ran into you in the admin office on my very first day here, but it turned into something more. I feel myself healing, and it is all thanks to you,” I whisper then sit up turning to face him.
“Haley, I love you,” he says as the final piece to the brick wall around my heart turns to rubble on the ground. We’ve been officially together for only one month, and while some people may look down on sharing those sacred words so early on in a relationship, I know he truly means them.
“I love you too Kyler, more than anything in this world,” I manage to say back through the stream of happy tears that are now falling from my eyes. If I died right now, I would die a happy girl. Everything in the world seems to be perfect. I am still dealing with the loss of my family, but my heart is mending every day, and with Kyler at my side, I don’t think there is anything I can’t make it through. His confession is one thing. I am glad he was finally able to tell me about his family. It means more to me than he will ever know, but hearing those three little words spoken from his lips means everything, plus some. I am completely and utterly in love with him. We sit holding each other, cherishing the moment. We both know that nothing is promised, so we forgo on unlocking our arms, for as long as possible. Kyler bends his head down, and his soft lips find mine.
Finally, when our lips are chapped and dry, we journey back into the house. We ended the night watching cheesy Christmas movies until our eyelids were so heavy that we decided to stay the night. The kids, Kyler, and I made a homemade fort in the living room, and we all woke up with the roosters in the morning.
“Good morning beautiful,” Kyler says as he pushes loose strands of hair out of my view.
“Morning yourself handsome.” He leans forward to kiss me. “Gah, gross Ky! I have morning breath.” I hear giggles coming from behind me as I see Suzie peaking from behind the couch.
“Kyler, did you see that?” I ask playfully.
“Yes! Is that the morning breath monster lurking around, spying on innocent risers?”
“One. Two. Three,” I whisper before we both jump up out of our sleeping bags and attack the lurker in a tickle war. This is love, pure happiness that overwhelms my heart. I owe all of it to Kyler for making me feel alive again, for taking a chance, and for loving me and in return allowing me to be careful and have tickle wars in the morning. A girl could get used to this.
Winter came and went as summer approached with blazing temperatures. My twenty-first birthday was just around the corner on June third. I knew Lucy was up to something because she and Kyler were whispering a lot lately. They both know I do not want a party, but I am sure something is up. The summers are so hot in the south compared to Jersey that as soon as you walk outside, you are immediately soaked with perspiration.
The frat house had its own pool, so we spend most days lounging in the sun. Things are still great between Kyler and me. We try and spend most of our time at his house since guys weren’t supposed to be in the dorms. It also gave us more privacy, which we happily accepted.
“Finally the day has come gorgeous,” Lucy says as she sits on the floor in our dorm t
o straighten her already straight blonde locks.
“Seriously, it’s just another day,” I reply, sitting on the ground next to her, painting my toe nails fire engine red.
“Don’t give me that nonsense again, Hale. Your twenty-first birthday is a huge deal! Now let me finish getting ready, and then I’ll curl your hair and…” Lucy was interrupted by a knock at the door. I don’t have time to answer it because she is already up and jumps in front of me, almost diving into the door to answer it herself. She turns around and shoos me away. “Yes, this is where she lives. Okay, thank you sir,” is all I can hear her say, since she has the door almost closed.
I finish painting the top coat on my toes when I see Lucy standing in front of me holding a manila envelope. “I hope you bought me those Hinder concert tickets I wanted.” I wink at her as I take the envelope she is dangling in front of me.
“I don’t know what that is, but the carrier said it was urgent,” she sits back down in front of the full length mirror. I walk over to my bed and crawl onto it holding the envelope in my hands. Reading the return address takes my breath away, my chest feels tight and is fighting for air, but knowing that Luce is just a few feet away makes me slow my frantic breathing. It reads; White, Walsh & Winter, PSC. Attorneys of Law Little Falls, New Jersey. I take another huge gulp of air as the name on the package startles me, praying Lucy doesn’t look up and notice my mini panic attack. I look out of the corner of my eye to see she is still looking into the mirror oblivious to anything.
“What did you get in the mail Hale?” she asks as she applies her lipstick.
“Just a letter from one of my professors telling me about an internship at a hospital close by.” She turns around and looks at me with questions written all over her face, so I continue. “We had to become a Certified Nursing Assistant for finals in one of my classes, and I’m about to take my boards for my LPN license. I guess the professor was impressed with my patient care and told them about me. They want to interview me for an internship position.” I lie. I hate that I have to, but this is the only way. Kyler is the only person I have willingly told about my parents. It brought us closer together to share our past, but I don’t know how others will take it, especially Lucy who is so open and upfront with me. I don’t know how she would take it knowing I have kept this from her for the past eleven months.
“That’s awesome girl! I didn’t know you were looking for a job. Let me know if you get it so we can celebrate!” She gets up and goes into the bathroom. I get off the bed and open a drawer in my dresser, hiding the envelope under a pile of jeans. I know exactly what is inside, and today on my birthday of all days, I am not ready to face it.
Another knock at the door interrupts us as Lucy curls my hair. This time I get up to answer it. When I open the door, there is a kid about sixteen years old wearing a clown costume singing Happy Birthday while holding a bouquet of pink roses. Immediately I start to laugh but quickly cover my mouth. I don’t want to make the kid feel embarrassed since he was probably paid to do this. When he is done, he bows and walks away. As I turn around, Lucy snaps a shot of me smelling the roses with her phone.
“What? Kyler wanted a shot of your face to capture this moment,” she says while muffling her laughter.
“Seriously! I told you both I didn’t want anything crazy happening today.” I hate not knowing what other shenanigans are following.
“Shut your pretty little mouth, why don’t ya? For the last time, it’s your birthday! You’re old enough to drink, and you know what that means…” she pauses for dramatic effect, “par-freakin-tay!”
“Nice, real nice. I guess there isn’t anything I can do to back out now is there?” Knowing damn well there isn’t and I was in for a long night ahead.
“Nope, not by a long shot, now come here and let me finish your hair!” she screeches. Knowing she means business I shut my mouth and let her hands work their magic.
I have a nice glow since we’ve been lying out for most of the summer, which Lucy takes into full consideration as she dresses me for tonight’s occasion. In the past year we have become almost like sisters. She has started hinting around more and more about my family, but quickly stops when she sees me getting upset. I know she cares about me and I care about her a lot too, but it’s still so hard to openly talk about a family that doesn’t exist anymore. Kyler and I are both seeing grief counselors, so one day it will be easier to share our past with people we love, but right now it’s too difficult. Especially today, knowing I have no family to celebrate it with.
Lucy blindfolds me while snickering under her breath. She leads me to a car then helps me get in the passenger side. I wonder whose car this is?
“Where are we going?” I beg.
“That’s for me to know, and you to find out!”
I can’t tell where we are going, and I haven’t heard from Kyler all day. I texted him to thank him for the flowers, but he never responded, which is really weird because he almost always texts me back immediately. I hear the car stop, and we get out. I didn’t hear her talk to a cab driver, and the vehicle I just got out of is too low to the ground to be Kyler’s big rig, so I have no idea who is with us or chauffeuring us around. I’m wearing sandals that latch around my ankle, so we can’t be going anywhere too fancy, which is good, but it still doesn’t give me any insight as to where we are going. The worst part is Lucy dressed me with my blindfold on, so I have no clue what I am wearing either. I am going to kill her. Once I take my first step, I can hear the gravel below my feet. The only bar I know that is unpaved is Drake’s. I feel a little relief knowing we could just be at Drake’s but still anxious not knowing what is waiting inside for me.
“Lucy, seriously, what is going on?” I demand.
“Just a little birthday fun,” she replies, not giving any details. I can tell by the tone in her voice she is excited. It scares the shit out of me wondering what for.
“If I didn’t love you so much, I would be super pissed right now!”
“Good thing you love me because…SURPRISE!” I can hear a bunch of other voices chant the same greeting. She pulls the blindfold off my face, and I am greeted by Kyler, Kevin, and others standing behind them all holding their drinks in the air saying happy birthday to me. This is exactly what I feared was going on.
Kyler makes his way over and pulls me in for a kiss. I give him a quick peck and then pull away. “Babe, come on. It’s your birthday, don’t be like this,” he pleads while puckering out his lower lip.
“I told you. I warned you all not to do this,” I say as I wave around the room. “I don’t even know all of these people!” I am not paying attention as my body responds to my mood, and my left foot stomps the ground.
“Who cares? It’s a party. You have everyone you want here and some extras! Now let’s get this party started and have a little enthusiasm, Hale.” He smacks me on the ass before he heads to the bar to grab me my first legal beer. He comes back with a bucket of beers and a few girly drinks for Lucy. Drake is even here. I give him a quick wave behind the bar, but he is standing with Mandy, who is still not my biggest fan, so I don’t push my limits by walking over to talk to him. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen comes on. Lucy grabs my hand as we make it to the dance floor to let loose. We are waving our hands over our heads, singing to the song, and acting like two carefree college girls. I feel happy, which isn’t an emotion I have been close to for a very long time, but looking around seeing all these people here makes my heart flutter. The song comes to an end as I glance around the room. I am sure people are ecstatic to see us leave the dance floor since we were acting all kinds of silly.
We walk over to our table where we have our drinks and purses. Kyler is nowhere to be found. I take a quick survey around the room, but I still don’t see him. Lucy and I both look at each other shaking our heads as we sit down. I’m sure he is around here somewhere, but I am having too good of a time to go looking. “He is a big boy and can handle himself,” I tell Lucy while taking
a sip of my drink. Ahh, a cold beer always quenches my thirst, especially a now legal beer.
All of the lights in the bar turn off except a dim spotlight on the stage. I look up to see Kyler sitting on a stool in the middle, the light radiating off of his face like an angel. He has a guitar resting on his lap and a tiny strap draped over his shoulder. I didn’t even know he played the guitar. Is there anything this man doesn’t do? My feet guide me to the front of the stage, almost as if my brain isn’t controlling them, proof that the pull he has on my soul isn’t imaginary, and he is controlling my movements too. I sit in the only vacant chair directly in front of him.
Kyler taps the microphone a few times before he says, “Thank ya’ll for coming out and celebrating a very special gal’s birthday with me tonight.” The crowd cheers. “I know it’s been a long time since I’ve been up on this stage, but last summer a girl walked into my life, and suddenly all of my gloomy days disappeared. It feels necessary to start her twenty-first birthday off with a bang, so here it goes. Haley, you are the love of my life, and this is for you.” A soft melody fills the air as he lightly strums the guitar. It’s a song I’ve never heard before but sounds so sweet coming from his mouth. People around me are all waving their lighters in the air. It seems so cliché, but I am swooning over my own boyfriend in the midst of a giant crowd. He sings the last part of the song then hops off of the stage right into my awaiting arms. “I love you Haley, Happy Birthday!” He picks me up and spins me around.
The Upside of Letting Go Page 10
