The Upside of Letting Go

by Nacole Stayton

  I’m speechless. I have worked so hard to forget his face. But all I want to do at this moment is embrace it and tell him how very sorry I am for hurting him. But things have changed. I have changed. I’m not the girl he once loved. I have hurt him so much and here he is coming to my rescue again.

  “Thank you. I really appreciate you bringing this to me, but he did mail me one too.” I know if I don’t keep it short and sweet I’ll be on the back of his bike going wherever he is headed. He nods his head. “Wait.” I put my hands on my hips. “How did you know where I was? I mean, I get the detective told you where I went to school. But today, how did you know I was at Kyler’s?” I ask curiously.

  “I called my cousin when I was close to town. He said he moved into the frat house, and I could stay there for a few days. I had no idea what I was walking into Hale,” he says with the same hurt voice he used when I left. My throat is suddenly dry. I wait for him to finish his sentence, but my gut tells me I know what he is going to say. “When I got there this morning, his truck wasn’t in the driveway, so I called him. He said to go inside and wait because he was at the grocery picking up some items to make his girlfriend breakfast in bed,” he chokes out before looking away. “I didn’t know you would be walking out of his room…his bed, this morning. Out of all the places, what are the chances you would choose Alabama or that I would find you in bed with my cousin? I’ve visited enough campuses as a child while visiting my aunt and uncle here to know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you still ended up with Kyler? I didn’t even know he was seeing anyone,” he leans against his bike, running his hands through his shaggy brown hair. We stand facing each other in silence, but no amount of time between us could kill the bond we share. Oh, how I have some explaining to do.

  Finally, Jude breaks the silence. “Do you remember when I went with my mom to my aunt’s that summer before eighth grade?” I nod. “We came here to Alabama. Then there was an accident several months ago, which I’m sure you know the story from there, but it broke my mom’s heart. She can’t even bring herself to come down and visit anymore. Anyway, Kyler and I were best friends when we were younger, but the death of his parents and then what happened to Riley changed him. Roy told mom that he tries to stay as busy as possible. I guess he has a bunch of odd jobs to occupy his time, but I didn’t know he was staying busy with my Hale,” he grabs a piece of my hair and puts it behind my ear, like he always did. “I’m so glad I found you. I’ve been dreaming about this moment for a long time,” he takes my head in his hands and kisses my forehead.

  Lucy clears her throat as we both turn around in unison to face her. She holds up her cell phone and seems annoyed. “Kyler keeps calling. I don’t know if I should answer or what I should do.” This is the moment I feared when I saw Jude sitting at the kitchen table this morning. The moment where this new life I created for myself suddenly ends and, for the second time I will be left picking up the pieces.

  “Ugh…” I moan under my breath while covering my eyes with my hands and shaking my head in disbelief that this is really happening right now. Out of all the places in the United States, you choose here. You choose Kyler King who just happens to be first cousins with your ex-boyfriend!

  “Haley Martin!” Lucy yells. “What do you want me to do?” I don’t answer because I’m unsure of how to handle this situation. My hesitation infuriates her even more. I can see the irritation written all over her face.

  “Luce, I don’t know, okay? I don’t know. I just need some time to think about what just happened.” I start to walk down the pathway to the pond where we swam last October.

  “Hello?” I hear her say as I walk away. “Calm down. No, I don’t know what is going on, but she is fine. I don’t know. You need to chill. Stop! Put Kevin on the phone!” That is the last thing I hear as I approach the pond, leaving her and Jude in the distance.

  I make it to the picnic table facing the water and sit on the edge. I need a few minutes to clear my head and make sense of this mess. One minute I’m lying in bed waiting on my handsome boyfriend to come home and make me a delicious meal, and the next I’m face to face with my past. While my past is dressed in tight blue jeans, which you can tell had been worn and washed too many times, a pressed white v-neck hugging his chest muscles, and black boots, he is in the past for a reason. I’m looking straight ahead trying to think through the recent turn of events when I feel the other side of the bench sink into the clay dirt below my feet. I don’t have to look to see who is sitting there. I can feel Jude’s presence.

  “Lucy had to go back. Kyler is on his way to get you.” I can hear the agony in his voice. There is no way I can look up at him If just hearing his wretched tone makes me want to weep like a baby, then looking up at his face will be torture.

  “Okay, thanks,” is all I can muster up. We sit in silence for what seems like hours. The sun is beaming down on us, and I can feel sweat running down my back underneath Kyler’s T-shirt.

  The sound of a throttle breaks the silence, and I know my ride is here. I hear footsteps crushing the dry brown grass underneath Kyler’s feet as he approaches the table Jude and I are sitting at. He takes a seat but doesn’t speak. To say this is awkward is a huge understatement. The loves of my life, former and present, are both sitting on either side of me at their uncle’s farm, and I am the thread tying this whole knot together. How am I supposed to explain this predicament to Kyler? Hell, how am I supposed to explain cheating and running away as fast as possible to Jude, only for him to pay a friendly visit to his closest cousin and find me in bed with him? I hear Jude and Kyler start to speak at the same time. “Hale,” comes out of both of their mouths, and that is the last word I hear before falling forward and drifting off into my own personal hell, unconscious.

  I wake up with a pounding headache that feels like a dump truck just ran over my head, backed up, and did it again. “Ahh,” I moan as I reach up and rub my temples as a door swings open. Kyler and Jude are standing in the entryway of a hospital room staring at me like I’m some sort of prized possession.

  “Hale,” they both say, and I remember that is the last thing I heard before crashing to the ground. They quickly glance at one another. The pain in both of their eyes is unmistakably noticeable.

  “Nurse!” Jude sticks his head out of the doorway and yells. Kyler walks over to the side of my bed, sits down in the empty chair, and then takes my hand in his.

  “Babe,” he places a small kiss on the palm of my hand. “I was so worried Hale,” he continues as he turns my hand over and kisses each one of my fingers ever so slowly. If my head wasn’t killing me and I hadn’t just woken up in a hospital bed, I would be slightly turned on. “Please don’t ever scare me—,” he looks over his shoulder at Jude standing with his arms crossed leaning against the wall, “us... please don’t ever scare us like that again.”

  Before I have time to ask what happened, a petite nurse with fire engine red hair enters the room, shooing Kyler and Jude out. “Honey, my name is Kelly. I am the nurse assigned to you until eleven p.m. Can you tell me your full name?”

  “Haley Renee Martin.”

  “Can you tell me what happened?” she asks as she is applying a small blood pressure cuff to my left arm.

  “I’m not really sure. I was sitting on a picnic table with my boyfriend and, umm, friend, and I think I passed out,” I sigh, upset I don’t know what is going on. Nurse Kelly looks at me and back at my chart with curiosity, then unwraps the arm cuff and sticks a thermometer in my mouth. What the hell?

  “Okay darling, your vitals all appear to be stable. I will page Dr. Stevens and let him know you’re awake and alert. He should be in shortly.” She writes her name and pager number on a small whiteboard on the wall then disappears into the hallway. I close my eyes and try to get the dullness of my headache to subside. I don’t know what happened. Hell, I don’t know much of anything right now. Where do Kyler and I stand? Where do Jude and I stand? Thank goodness I passed out before I had to
figure out those answers.

  I hear a faint knock on the door before Lucy appears with black mascara staining her rosy cheeks. “Oh Haley, you’re awake,” she cries as she makes a dash for my bed and wraps her arms around me.

  “Ahh, Luce, watch my head,” I say as she squeezes me a little too tightly.

  “Sorry Hale, I forgot they said it would probably be sore.” She sits down on the bed beside me.

  “What happened?”

  She looks up at me with her hazel eyes, and I can sense her unwillingness to answer my question. She mimics the same face that Nurse Kelly had a few moments ago.

  “I should, umm,” she stutters, “I should probably send Kyler in,” she gets up and walks backwards to the door. “I love you Haley Renee. If you need anything, I’ll be right outside in the waiting area, okay?”

  “Okay, love ya too,” I say to her backside as she quickly slides out of the door.

  What is going on? And why does it seem like there is some huge secret, and I am the only person who isn’t in on it? A few minutes pass, and I realize how grateful I am for the silence. I close my eyes and try to recap today’s events. I found out my high school sweetheart is first cousins with the love of my life in a dramatic way. No wonder I passed out. I hear the door creak, alerting me to open my eyes. Kyler is standing there. How long has he been watching me? He is standing with both hands in his pockets; his body is swaying nervously from side to side.

  “Kyler?” I scoot over on the bed and motion for him to sit next to me. “What’s wrong? I’m fine,” I gesture across my body. “I just passed out. It was probably the heat and the alcohol from last night. Stop worrying. They’ll give me some IV fluids, and we will be out of here in a few hours.” I hear him sniffle as he shifts in the bed to face me. I look up into his ocean blue eyes as a tear falls from the corner of his and slowly slides down his cheek. He doesn’t move to wipe it away. I have a million thoughts crossing my mind in the second it takes for the single tear to run down his face and drop onto my hand that is resting on this thigh. Am I dying? Did Dr. Stevens find a brain tumor which caused me to pass out today?

  My mind is going a hundred miles a minute when Kyler’s voice breaks the silence. “Haley, baby, I have some awful news to tell you,” he says as he grabs the sides of face and gently kisses me on my head. “Dr. Stevens said you suffered a traumatic event today.” I look up at him puzzled, but the door opens interrupting our conversation.

  “Miss Martin, Nurse Kelly tells me you’re awake, and your vitals are stable.” A tall African- American man with a white lab coat comes in carrying a chart. He eyes Kyler before he looks back at me. “I see here it says you’re not married.” I’m not sure if I should respond or not, so I simply nod in agreement. “Well, if you don’t mind me saying, I need this gentleman to leave the room.” He looks at Kyler as he sits on a small round chair at the end of the hospital bed. Kyler looks at me as his face turns pale, his eyes begging me to stop him from walking out of the room.

  “Wait, he is my boyfriend. If that’s okay, I would like him to stay,” I say and see sudden relief wash over Kyler’s face.

  “As you wish, Miss Martin,” the doctor says as he is pulls up my blue and white hospital gown and drapes a white sheet over my legs. He pushes down on my stomach, sending a sharp pain up my left side. I must have made a sound because he pulls down the gown and says, “Some tenderness is to be expected after the surgery. It should ease up in a week or two.”

  “Excuse me, Dr. Stevens? What surgery?” I ask surprised by his statement.

  “Oh, of course, Miss Martin. I would like to give you my deepest condolences for the loss of your baby,” he finishes as he closes his eyes and shakes his head. The walls start to feel like they are caving in on me as my eyesight starts to blur like I’m about to pass out again.

  I look over at Kyler who is crying for the second time today. His elbows are resting on his knees, and I can hear a faint sniffle before he clears his throat and makes eye contact with me for the first time since the doctor said he could stay in the room during my evaluation.

  “The loss of my baby?” I ask as the words shatter my heart as soon as they cross my lips.

  “I am so sorry, Miss Martin. I assumed Nurse Kelly had already sent the social worker in here to discuss this with you. It is a lack of communication on my behalf, and again I apologize.” He takes a seat on the round rolling stool and hands me a box of tissues. “You suffered a miscarriage at eight weeks of your pregnancy. This gentleman called 911, and the ambulance brought you in earlier this morning.” I feel numb, my mind unwilling to comprehend what he is telling me. My hand subconsciously moves and lingers over my flat stomach. The void I once felt in my heart slowly resurfaces as I have trouble swallowing and grasping the devastating news I have just been blasted with.

  “It appears you fainted. After reviewing your blood work and labs, I am not sure the cause of the episode at the moment, so I have consulted a fellow colleague of mine, Dr. Homm, in Neuroscience. He will be able to determine the cause of the fainting.” He takes a breath and continues, “Once you fainted, your head was first to hit the ground. You suffered a mild concussion. However, the impact on your abdomen caused the placenta to detach from the uterus resulting in a miscarriage. Upon arrival you had already lost so much blood. In an effort to save your life, the hospital staff and I decided to perform an emergency D&C.”

  “What is that?” my voice quivers.

  “A D&C is a Dilation and Curettage. Simply put, it is a procedure where we go in and remove the embryo. Normally the miscarriage process happens naturally, but in this instance, it was imperative we go in as soon as possible. While we were in there, we removed the embryo, placenta, and excess tissue. This will prevent you from becoming septic. It is a very common procedure in which you only needed a small amount of local anesthesia.”

  “Can I…can I get pregnant again?” I tremble, praying to God— if I even believe in one now— that I can have children in the future.

  “I do not see why not young lady but hopefully in the very far future. I was very careful not to cause any permanent damage to your reproductive organs while I was in there,” he says while standing up and straightening his lab coat. He places his hand on my shoulder “Miss Martin, please understand that while science cannot pinpoint the reason for your loss, there are others out there who have experienced what you have. There are support groups, and as I previously mentioned, we have a social worker on staff to help with any coping issues you may face in the near future.” He picks up my chart and walks to the end of the hospital bed and places it in a small crate attached to my bed. “Once Dr. Homm rules out all indications that this fainting episode is serious, you will be discharged and sent home. If you need anything in the meantime, please have Nurse Kelly page me.” He tilts his head to the side as to silently say ‘I’m sorry’ and leaves the room.

  “My pill,” I say under my breath, remembering I forgot to fill my new prescription weeks ago. My fucking pill. Tears break from my eyes like a dam that has been sealed for far too long until I drift off to sleep holding my stomach and grieving the baby I didn’t know I carried.

  Death is like a welcome mat in my life, only I have become immune to the heart-wrenching pain that is associated with it. I have healed in ways I only dreamed of after my family’s deaths, but this time it is like a pain I have never experienced. The aching in my stomach isn’t an imaginary feeling that people normally have when the hurt is just too much to handle. The pain is real. I can feel it every time my chest rises to take a breath. My only relief is the IV Percocet that Nurse Kelly, just administered. The medication calms my aching body but does nothing to mask the emptiness I feel every time my heart beats. It’s a miserable reminder that a precious soul’s beating heart stopped while mine continued to thump.

  After Dr. Stevens left the room I couldn’t bear to look at Kyler in the face knowing that this was my fault. If I would have been more responsible and took my birth contro
l pills, none of this would be happening. I sit up, tie my gown in the back, and push my IV stand into the bathroom attached to my room. A few minutes after I shut the door, blocking Kyler and the real world out, I hear the hospital room door open and then slam shut. Tears start to run violently down my face as my sobs turn into coughing, which leads to puking in the same spot I’m kneeling in. I wish my mom were here. I know she would be disappointed in me for getting into this mess, but she would know what to say and say it with a compassion that would help ease the agony.

  I vaguely remember the day she found out I lost my virginity. She was standing in the kitchen when I walked in the door. We shared a pretty close relationship, and I only remember one other occasion when we openly talked about sex. I had just gotten home from freshmen orientation, and my friend Julie and I were giggling upstairs in my room. When Mom walked in on us, we were both staring at a penis in our sex education book. That night we had the famous birds and the bees talk.

  It was midnight. and I had been over at Jude’s house all afternoon. Midnight was my curfew, so he walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight like he always did. But this time he kissed me more passionately; this time he kissed me like I was his. He owned me completely, including my body that he just claimed. I walked in through the garage door and found Mom sitting on the island in the kitchen drinking a glass of red wine with a book in her other hand. As soon as our eyes met, she eyed me up and down and then started laughing.

  “So how was it?” she asked me while taking a sip of her wine.

  “MOM!” I shrieked with embarrassment.

  “Oh stop it Hale, I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. My vote was later, but I can see that flew out the window,” she says while hopping off of the counter and embracing me. “You know your father and I both adore Jude, but please be careful. We have enough going on in the Martin household without adding another life into it.” She takes my hand and guides me to the sofa in our living room. We stayed up all night talking and reminiscing about her first time. When I woke up, we were both sprawled out on the couch. Her hand was still entwined in my hair from playing with it until I had fallen asleep.