I sit up and push the matted auburn hair off of my wet cheeks as I gaze into the full body-length mirror hanging on the wall. The reflection of the girl I see staring back at me isn’t the strong girl I have become. I see a reflection of my former self. The girl who found out her entire family was murdered…the girl who just found out she had been eight weeks pregnant and suffered a miscarriage. I pick up my IV stand and throw it into the mirror, shattering the image of myself. Tiny chunks explode off of the wall, falling to the ground around my feet. I look down to see tiny cuts on my legs as blood oozes out of the fresh wounds. The girl I see in the mirror should have died with her family and should be resting in Heaven not lying in her own pool of blood in a hospital bathroom mourning the loss of her unborn child. My thoughts replay over and over. The only interruption is the heaving sound that comes out as my lungs burn with the vomit I’ve been holding in. I soon drift off to sleep, lying in the small shards of glass that lay scattered around my weak body.
Eight weeks have passed since God called my baby to Heaven. Exactly eight weeks have passed since Jude and I have become best friends again and eight melancholy weeks that my relationship with Kyler has been in a perpetual funk. I was released from the hospital a few days after my surgery. Dr. Homm said that my fainting episode wasn’t caused by anything neurological. I was discharged with instructions to monitor my blood sugar. I had something called Hypoglycemia, which basically meant my blood sugar got too low and caused me to faint. Dr. Stevens said it was common in the first trimester of pregnancy, not to mention I was up drinking the whole night before it happened, not knowing I was carrying a child.
The summer’s end was a promising note that my junior year of nursing school was about to start. On the good side I finally got my Practical Nurse License and started working at the local hospital. Lucy and I would continue to room together and Jude decided to transfer to U of A this term. He pledged at Kyler’s frat and was grandfathered in. I’m not sure if it was a good idea, but there was no stopping Jude. His determination is something I always admired.
So here we are at the summer’s last Slip-N-Slide Bash. It feels like just yesterday that I was chasing Lucy around this same yard only to find her shacked up with Kevin moments later. It’s crazy to think a year has already come and gone. I am looking forward to an uneventful semester. And I’ll do almost anything to achieve it.
“Watch out!” I hear someone yell. Before I have a chance to look around to see what all of the commotion is about, a giant water balloon hits me right in the face. “Shit, I’m sorry Hale,” I hear Sean, one of the frat brothers, yell as he runs towards me with a towel draped over his shoulder.
“No problem.” I wipe water from my face. Great. I would be wearing a white tank top. Granted, I do have my bathing suit on underneath, but I still feel too exposed, so I make my way to the door to go change. I’m halfway down the hallway to Kyler’s room when I hear him on the phone. I wouldn’t normally spy on him, but the last eight weeks have been troubling, and I can feel him becoming distant. The feeling scares me, so I quietly make my way closer, careful not to make a sound, as I tip toe down the hallway.
“I know Uncle Roy. I’m trying to be patient. Hell,” he pauses, “sorry sir. I know she needs time to heal, but I need time too. It’s like we don’t even talk about it. I need to talk about it, but I have no one. She has become attached to Jude’s hip. Yeah. I’ve been talking to the grief counselor about it, but we haven’t gone together. It’s like we’re going through the motions. We eat, sleep, and work. Sometimes she stays over, but it’s because her and Jude are up all night watching movies, and she needs a place to crash. It wouldn’t surprise me if she didn’t curl up next to him on the couch.” Rage overcomes me. I rush the rest of the way down the hall, straight into the room where Kyler is bashing. I yank out a new tank top from a drawer in his dresser and storm back out, rushing to Jude’s room, just like Kyler predicted I would.
I slam Jude’s door shut before taking off my soaked tank top and tossing it to the floor. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I look up to see Jude lying on his bed reading a book. “What are doing Hale?” he asks with a smirk on his face. “Not that I mind you coming in my room and stripping for me, but we both know that isn’t appropriate.”
My cheeks redden from the glowing grin on his face as embarrassment floods over me. “You wish,” I say as I hide myself with my new top and turn around to slide it over my head.
I faintly hear him say, “That I do,” before I turn back around.
“Wanna go for a ride?” I ask wanting to get as far away from this house as possible.
“Yeah, sure, but isn’t there a party going on outside?”
“Yup, but not one I want to be a part of at the moment.” I open his bedroom door. “You coming or am I taking Roxy out on my own?” I ask referring to Jude’s bike. I don’t wait for his answer as I slide into the hallway trying not to look at his door, but he comes storming out, guns blazing.
“Hale!” I brush by him without a glance back.
“Not now Kyler,” I say holding back tears as I approach the living room.
“Haley, what the fuck is going on? We need to talk!” he shouts from behind me.
Jude’s door creaks open. When I look back down the hall to see if he is coming or if I’m taking the only thing he loves more than me out for a joy ride alone, I see Kyler slam him into the wall. “What the fuck is going on?” he barks in Jude’s face. “If she won’t talk to me, you sure will.” He pins Jude against the wall. I run from the living room to the doorway where Kyler is holding Jude hostage.
“Ky, calm the hell down. I asked him for a ride,” I say while trying to pry his hands off of Jude’s chest.
“Calm down, really Hale? My child died too. I’m hurting too, but who do you run to? Him.” He shoves a finger into Jude’s chest.
“Kyler, we can talk about this later. I’m not going to say it again. If you ever want things to get back to normal, you have to leave him alone.” He lets go of Jude and looks at us both curiously.
“You know what Hale, he came all this way to rekindle whatever it is you both had going on, and since no one will talk to me, have it your way.” He turns around and slams his bedroom door shut. It rattles on its hinges, shaking my heart to the core.
Jude and I walk in silence to his bike parked in the alley behind the house. He doesn’t offer me a helmet— he already knows the answer. We drive around town a few times, but its starts to get dark and chilly, so he hangs a sharp left and pulls into Drake’s. We both climb off of the bike and walk inside for a much needed beer.
“Ladies first,” Jude says as he motions me to go inside before him. Those are the first words either of us has spoken since we left the frat house a few hours ago. I’m still wearing cut-off shorts and a tank top with my bathing suit underneath of it. I have had such a shitty day that I don’t even care what I look like. I know Jude doesn’t either, so I slide in before him. We make our way to the bar.
“Well, if it isn’t the lovely Haley Martin,” I hear Drake say as we both sit on stools in front of the oak bar. “What do I owe this pleasure?” he asks, eyeing us both.
“Just stopping by for a quick round,” Jude replies. Drake pulls out two beers from the freezer and opens them for us.
“Let me know when ya’ll are ready for seconds.” He pats the bar and then walks away.
We both take sips and stare into the unknown. Jude interrupts our silence first. “Haley, what’s going on?”
“Honestly Jude? I don’t know. I feel like a piece of me died when Nevaeh was taken from us. A piece of me died when my parents and brother died. And a piece of me died the moment I walked away from you,” I finish and take another sip. Nevaeh. This is only the third time I have ever said my child’s name out loud. The first was at the hospital. While the doctors explained they didn’t know the sex of the baby, the social worker said it was normal to name the fetus. We picked Nevaeh because it is Heaven spelled backwards, and I
know that’s where he or she is…in Heaven, resting until we meet again. The second time was at the jewelry store. A few weeks after I got out of the hospital, Jude took me there and ordered a necklace with a cross pendent on it. We had Nevaeh engraved on the back. Today, right now, is the third time I have ever had that beautiful name cross my lips.
Jude starts to talk breaking my train of thought. “Haley, I can’t begin to understand the pain you have had to experience, but it will pass. Time will heal your heart just like it did before. You just have to decide if you want Kyler at your side when your soul mends because right now you’re doing a hell of a job pushing him away.”
“Let go,” I whisper while peeling the frayed edges off of my bottle.
“What?” he takes a swig from his beer.
“My counselor keeps telling me to let go of the past and the sorrow associated with it. He says healing is a process much like the five stages of grief. Acceptance is letting go.” I motion Drake over for another round.
“I agree,” Jude says as he takes a new set of beers from Drake. “To letting go,” he offers a cheer as we click our bottles together.
“To letting go,” I repeat.
By the time we’re on our sixth round, I’m feeling a little tipsy and a little horny. I haven’t had sexual thoughts for weeks. Maybe it is the alcohol pushing my libido into overdrive, but right now I feel the urge to be caressed and worshipped. Although my vision is blurred, Jude is still as beautiful as I remember him. “Wanna dance?” I slur.
“Think you can keep up?” Jude asks me in a teasing tone.
“It hasn’t been that long.” I get up and grab his hand. We both take one more gulp of our beers before we glide to the middle of the dance floor. It’s only ten o’clock, so there aren’t many people surrounding us like there normally is. A song is just ending, and I can hear the beat to I Wanna Be Bad by Willa Ford coming on next.
“This is my jam,” I say into his ear with a giant smile plastered on my face.
“I remember babe. Show me your moves.” I know he is enticing me. After all, he knows what buttons to push. He bites his lower lip just like he used to because he knows it drives me wild. I push back off of his chest and start to back up. I back all the way up until my butt is pressed up against someone else.
I start to panic and pull away from the stranger behind me until I see Jude’s face. He doesn’t seem worried by whom I am pushed up against. The look in his eyes says ‘bring it’. I turn my head around to see Kyler’s face right over my shoulder. I breathe in smelling his cologne and spearmint mouthwash rolling from his parted lips. The chorus breaks in as I start to sway to the music. My body feels fit against Kyler’s, like he was made to hold me. I close my eyes and slowly bend down in front of Kyler, doing what we now call The Jersey Turnpike. I hear him moan behind me, and I can feel him getting excited from the bulge in his khakis. When I stand back up, Jude has that same look in his eyes. I can tell he feels threatened. Good thing I’m drunk and up for a challenge. I slowly start to circle around in the same spot I’m standing in to come face to face with Kyler. I give him a slow playful wink as I grab both of Jude’s hands and place them on my hips. The tips of his fingers are dangerously close to the crease in my thigh. Kyler’s eyes travel down. I can feel his anger building as he tilts his head with a questioning look on his face.
I place my index finger over my lips and murmur, “Shh, enjoy the show,” as sexy as possible. I can tell by his face he is shocked by my sudden daring attitude, but it seems to appease him, and he doesn’t look like he is about to turn into the Hulk at any minute. Hale one, Kyler zero.
Drake generally doesn’t play rap music, but I’m glad he decided to spruce up his playlist tonight of all nights. The beat changes from a fast tune to a slower sensual melody. I close my eyes and lean the back of my head on Jude’s chest. I’m aware Kyler is still standing in front of me, but all my years as a dancer in high school and the numerous beers in my system known as liquid courage help me to stay in rhythm. I ignore Kyler’s grunts and continue swaying my hips, teasing both men. He’s probably still pissed from earlier, but I’m hoping this striptease, minus the actual stripping, will calm him down. When I open my eyes, we are both locked in a staring match with each other. Neither of us blinks as the music plays in the background. If it were possible to have sex with your eyes, we would be having a threesome.
Hypnotized by Plies featuring Akon plays over the speakers as Jude pulls me tighter against his body. Our bodies know exactly how to react to each other, moving in a seamless harmony from attending every homecoming and prom together for four years straight. He holds me close, still gripping my hips, grinding me towards his junk as the chorus sings. I can feel Jude’s bulge growing in his jeans as he rubs against my backside. I bite my lower lip, stifling a laugh before Kyler grabs my wrist and yanks me away from Jude’s embrace. Suddenly, there is a lot of commotion, and I’m thrown to the side of the room like a rag doll. I trip over my feet and fall flat on the floor. Drake sees me and rushes over to help me up. As soon as he pulls me into a standing position, I see Kyler’s fist connect with Jude’s jaw. My vision is blurry, but I am positive that Jude tilts his head to the side to make eye contact with me before he pulls his arm back and slams his fist into Kyler’s stomach. I have never witnessed a full-on bar brawl, much less have two men that I adore swinging arms at each other over a little dancing. I don’t have the energy to try and stop them especially after the day I already had. I stagger to the edge of the bar where my purse is lying, take a swig of the last drop in my bottle, and make a beeline for the exit unnoticed.
I stroll the short distance from Drake’s back to my dorm as I barely make it up the stairs to the double doors before my shoe slides on a pebble. I fall to the ground with an immense thump. Due to my sloshed state, I don’t have time to react when my shoulder hits the same pavement I was gliding on moments before.
“Ahh,” I moan as I sit up and pull my legs out from under me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, inhaling the darkness surrounding me. I didn’t realize I was this drunk when I left the bar. “Okay, you got this,” I say out loud, pumping myself up for the walk inside. I push myself up with both hands, using the sidewalk to steady myself. I open the big red door that leads me to the bed that is calling my name like an ocean that calls the tide. Once inside I slide my silver key in to unlock the bolt and walk inside my safe haven. I look around the deserted room to find I am alone. Lucy must still be at the party. The moment my foot hits the carpet I start undressing in a frantic hurry. I want to curl up in my bed and sleep away the nightmare I’ve been living.
I wake up to my cell phone buzzing repeatedly. “Hale, shut that thing off!” Lucy yells as a throw pillow from her bed connects with the side of my cheek.
“Holy shit, Luce, when did you get here?” I ask sitting up, wiping my eyes with my index fingers that are now covered with remains of black eyeliner. Epic fail I think to myself, knowing I should have washed my face last night.
“Who is texting you this early?” she yawns.
“Two guesses,” I say back sarcastically, knowing she won’t have to guess. We both know exactly who is blowing up my phone. I stand up, grab a pair of sweatpants lying on the floor next to an enormous pile of clothes we need to take to the laundry mat, and then stagger to the bathroom.
When I come out Lucy is sitting on the edge of my bed holding out my cell phone with an aggravated look on her face. I walk by her dangling hand and sit down, not glancing at the electronic device. “Haley Renee,” she sternly says while standing up and graciously dropping my phone in my lap. “Either you text them back or I will. It’s too early to be dealing with their drama.”
“Alright, cool your jets.” I bend my legs to sit Indian style on my bed. I unlock my phone and see six new text messages, four from Kyler, two from Jude.
Kyler: Hale we need to talk. Call me as soon as you get up.
WTF why aren’t you answering me? I know you stormed off
and I’m sorry babe.
Haley Renee Martin are you ok? Do not make me call Luce. You know how cranky she gets. Call me babe.
I’m coming over. I hope you’re up.
Jude’s messages sounded less urgent.
Jude: Hope you made it home safely. I have a fucking busted eye from your piece of shit boyfriend, but you should see his face ; )
Hale u ok babe?
I finished reading the messages out loud to Lucy when we hear a weak knock on the door. I hesitantly get up and walk over to it.
“Hey,” Kyler says while standing in-between the door frame and holding both sides with force. I’m scared that when he drops his hands, the frame might cave in. He looks at me standing in my pajamas then eyes the back of the room where Lucy is sitting, enjoying her front row seat. He clears his throat, indicating he is nervous. I turn around to face Lucy. Her face is lit up like she is about to witness a war so big it should be recorded in our future children’s history books.
I clear my throat, mimicking Kyler. “Luce?” I ask. “Do you mind giving us some privacy?” I can see her reluctance, but she caves in, gets up off of the bed, and walks over to me. She grabs my face and kisses me forcefully on the cheek.
“Call me if you need anything,” she says emphasizing the word anything before she bends down and picks up her Coach purse that was sitting on the floor next to her desk. I stay looking towards the back of the room until I hear the door click, and I know she is gone.
“Haley,” the sound of his voice growing closer towards me leaves me feeling defenseless. I can hear his footsteps crushing our cluttered room underneath his sneakers. I don’t move. “Haley, baby,” he pleads, “please turn around. We need to talk.” ‘We need to talk’ is a statement I have used countless times. Suddenly, in this moment, I know how it feels to be on the receiving end.
The Upside of Letting Go Page 13
