The Upside of Letting Go

by Nacole Stayton

  “So far, so good. I started this internship at the hospital. I’m basically one step over an aid which means cleaning up people’s shit and giving sponge baths all day, but hey, it gets me in the door, right?”

  “Hell yeah! I am so proud of how far you’ve come,” he says, stopping before he brings back memories I want to keep in my past. I know where he was going. While I am doing well and learning to cope with the past, I am not ready to revisit it.

  “Thanks, me too,” I say as we knock our coffee cups together. “So…I brought you here to tell you something…” I start to bite the inside of my cheek unknowingly, which he notices. Hell, is it that obvious when I’m nervous?

  “Save your speech, I already heard from Kevin.” He holds his hand in the air to stop me from speaking. I give him a shocked look as he continues, “He was drunk the other night and let it slip.”

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t get to tell you myself Jude.” Not only have I cheated, tearing this poor man’s heart to shreds, but he moved across the country to be by my side. Now I am dropping the bomb that I have accepted his cousin’s hand in marriage. A cousin he didn’t even know I was dating until he found me nuzzled in his arms by accident. Why do I get myself into these messes? He doesn’t say anything for what seems like eternity, then stands up, straightens his gray coat, and turns on his heels making his way towards the exit.

  I immediately jump up from the booth we were sitting at laughing moments before and chase him out of the door. He is a little ways down the street. I can see him holding his head in disbelief. I speed walk through other students parading down the sidewalk. Finally making my way up to him, I grab his wrist that is holding the side of his head like he has a migraine and jerk it away, causing him to stop and look at me.

  “What the heck Jude?”

  He wraps his strong arms around one side of my waist and moves me in front of him, guiding my body in and out of the oncoming traffic of pedestrians swarming around us. I don’t know where we are going, but I allow him to lead me. Wherever we are headed, his body is behind me pushing us to get there with urgency. We both notice there is a break in between buildings and he turns quickly, pushing me into a dimly lit alley. There are garbage bags lying next to the buildings which look like they have been torn apart and scattered everywhere by stray cats. I notice a faint font on the side of one of the buildings, like the paint has been there for years and has begun to chip off. Drake’s’ is written in white bold lettering. I look back and forth down the alley realizing that we are outside of Drake’s. There is a small steel door labeled Private Property that I bet leads to the small employee breakroom that Kyler and I sat in when he decided to grope my ass and in return got a busted nose.

  Jude brusquely pushes me up against the wall. Before I have time to react to the sudden force of his arms, his mouth finds mine as our lips join as one. They are as soft and passionate as I remember them being. I feel his tongue enter my mouth as our teeth make a clicking sound. I close my eyes, getting lost in the moment. Not because I want Jude as anything more than a friend, but because the last several weeks have been so eventful, and the calmness that is overwhelming my body right now is the only thing urging me not to break from his grip. His hand reaches up finding its way to the back of my head as his fingers soon tangle themselves in my hair. I don’t know why I kiss him back, but my lips continue to follow the synchronized dance his are leading me on. My heart isn’t racing like it does when Kyler’s lips find mine. My head and heart are telling me to stop and push him away, but my body isn’t listening. I fight the urge to break away from his mouth when I hear the sound of a door creak on its hinges. I open my eyes and am shocked to find Kyler standing in the doorway of Drake’s holding a garbage bag in his hand. I push Jude’s body away from mine, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He reaches to touch my face again.

  “Haley, I have waited for that moment for so long.” He stares into my watery eyes. He notices my reaction before turning his head to see Kyler running towards us. Kyler tackles Jude sending their bodies colliding to the ground with force. Fight number two. I scream in response to the bloody brawl going on in front of me. There is no way I have the strength to pull them apart. I rush over to the side door and holler for help as loud as I can. Ryan, one of the guys who works with Kyler and Drake, comes running out of the door. He takes one look at me and then to the tangled mess I am staring at on the ground when Drake joins us. Kyler is straddling Jude, punching him in the face repeatedly.

  “I deserve it Ky. I kissed her,” he is chanting over and over, accepting each punch as his punishment for crossing that line. Tiny droplets of blood fall on the pavement below their bodies. I cry in response to the violence my fiancé is capable of. For the second time, I have witnessed him losing his cool and attacking Jude.

  “Jude kissed me, but not pushing him away is my fault Kyler! He doesn’t deserve to get beat up. I do!” I shout at whoever can hear me over the grunts and curse words that are flying in the air.

  I can’t stand to watch this for another second. Ryan and Drake are unable to tame the beast that has become of Kyler, so I jump on his back and put my arms around him squeezing him with all my strength, but he doesn’t stop the disfiguration he is doing on Jude’s face. “Kyler!” I scream in his ear. He must have noticed because his fist stops moving and his back straightens. He looks over his shoulder as we make eye contact for the first time. I hear crackling before I feel Kyler’s body weight leaning against me as I fall backwards to the ground. Jude staggers up and drops the brick he just hit Kyler in the head with and then takes off down the alley. My head is in a daze, and my vision is becoming cloudy as I drift off to a dark place for the second time.

  When I wake up I am lying on a coarse couch. I can feel stray stands of material scratching my arms as I move to stretch my sore back. I blink several times before noticing I am in the employee breakroom in the bar. “Kyler,” I whisper while closing my eyes again because they are too heavy to hold open any longer. I doze back off into the unknown, dreaming about my family and how I wish I were taken with them. I wouldn’t be in this mess, and my heart would finally find the peace it so longs for. I find comfort in knowing there is someone there to keep my baby company until God calls me home. Nevaeh, I think as my mind creates the image of a perfect child.

  The image quickly disappears as I hear, “Kyler, get in here, she’s up.” It sounds like Ryan’s voice, but I don’t have the strength to open my eyes to find out.

  I can feel someone lifting up my head as the cushion dips down underneath it. Then my head is placed gently one someone’s lap along with a cold rag. The coldness feels amazing causing me to moan while taking in a breath. My chest rises to accommodate the giant gulp of air as my senses and nostrils smell a familiar aftershave, alerting me that it is Kyler’s lap I’m resting on.

  “Haley, please open your eyes baby,” he says while pushing wet hair off of my face from the dampness of the cloth on my forehead. My eyes slowly open and find their way to my blue-eyed fiancé hovering over me. That is, if he still calls himself my fiancé after catching me kissing Jude and then beating the living tar out of him. One tear makes its way out of the corner of my eye and slowly strolls down my cheek before it lands on the side of Kyler’s thumb. He raises his thumb to rub the remains off of my face and then picks up my head and moves his body from underneath me. He places it back down on a small pillow and sits in front of me on the floor. Tears continue to flow down my face, showing him how sorry and how undeserving I am of his love, but I can’t gather the courage to talk. I notice his hands are cut and torn on the knuckles. It makes me think about Jude and who is taking care of him. The thought of him hurt and alone makes me sad, causing my tears to flow more forcefully down my cheeks.

  “Hale, stop crying.” He removes the cloth from my head and uses it to wipe carefully underneath each eye.

  “Jude?” I ask remorsefully knowing it will probably upset Kyler.

  “He needed a few stiches
on his cheek. I called Roy to pick him up and take him to the E.R. You should have gone too Hale. I can’t believe you wouldn’t let me take you, especially after just fainting not too long ago.”

  “I am not going to that damn place again. I see enough of it at work, so I’ll be fine.” I try to sit up but collapse back down feeling lightheaded. “Ky, I am so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen.” I say mortified by my actions.

  “Be careful, or I swear I’ll take your ass straight to the urgent care or some shit,” he says as he helps reposition my head on the pillow. “You hit your head on the pavement pretty hard when I fell back on you. That stupid dick hit me with a brick! A fucking brick,” he raises his voice, but lowers it once he notices me shifting uncomfortably.

  “Ky,” I plead, “It’s my fault…all of it. I drove him to this point.” I motion with my hand around me. “He was content in Jersey. I crushed him. He came all this way to find me to give me a stupid letter,” Kyler raises a questioning eyebrow. “You’ll come to learn all about it once your parents’ estate is finalized. The money. The trust you’ll inherit. And then you’ll dread every monumental birthday because it just means you have to remember they’re gone as your credulous attorney tracks you down to deliver another lump sum check to your possession.” I try to sit up again. “Kyler, I kissed him back. Please don’t blame him when I am at fault too.” I lower my head shamefully.

  “I know what I saw. I know you didn’t push him away at first, but you did eventually. That’s what matters Hale. You wanted him to stop. I sure as hell wish it didn’t take you two minutes to decide, but ultimately, you did,” he says while sitting up straighter on his knees and grabbing my hands in his. He lifts them to his lips planting several soft kisses on my knuckles.

  “It doesn’t matter now, he’s gone.” A cocky expression appears on his face. Like he won because there was no longer a threat to what he claimed as his.

  “What?” I ask while jumping up off of the couch, forgetting my head feels like I was going on a three-day fast.

  “Sit. Down,” he demands. I do as I’m told. Not because I like being talked to like a child, but because he is right. I can barely keep my eyes open, much less move about.

  “What do you mean he is gone?” This time I demand answers.

  “He called Kevin to tell him he was quitting the frat and moving into an apartment with some guys from his law classes.” I feel like a bee is stinging me over and over just to be spiteful. I don’t know whether to be pissed at Jude for running away or hurt because he is leaving me behind. The thought of him feeling the exact same way I am is sickening. I ran, and now my stupid actions are making him run.

  “I have to talk to him.”

  “I know.” He shrugs his shoulder. “But I have some words for him too. I think it would be best for all three of us to talk.”

  When my headache became tolerable, Kyler and I walked back to the frat house. He gathered his toiletry items before he jumped in the shower. I found myself walking into Jude’s room, sitting on his bed like a total creep, but it is comforting being in his personal space. I feel horrible for how today played out. All I wanted to do was tell him about the engagement, not engage in cheating on the man I love with the man who taught me what love was. My hands stroke the cotton material beneath me as sadness overwhelms my heart. A few minutes pass before I feel another presence watching me. I turn my head slightly to see Jude’s silhouette standing in the hallway shadows. We make eye contact as he unhurriedly walks in the room, shutting the door behind him and locking it. I gasp for air as my eyes wandered to his once flawless face. Right below his eye he now has four stitches that have already begun to bruise and swell.

  “Oh Jude!” I cry out, standing to closer to reach for his face, but he turns away before my fingers connect with his cheek. “Right,” I say under my breath. He doesn’t say anything as he turns around and walks over to his closet. He pulls out a large black suitcase, laying it on the mattress behind me.

  “Jude, we have to talk. You cannot quit because of me. This is ridiculous,” I huff. He doesn’t say anything at first, but his face turns cold like stone. As his lips starts to part open, I feel alone and scared for what he might say.

  “Because of you Hale I have a fucking busted eye. Because of you I have fought with my cousin twice. Because of you…” he pauses and closes his eyes then takes a deep breath and continues, “because of you. Everything I fucking do is because of you Hale, don’t you see that? I moved here to try and win you back. To make you believe we can still be the same couple we were in high school.” His voice cracks. I can feel his built-up pain just by staring into his eyes that are now so clouded with sorrow. Knowing he needs to get this off his chest, I don’t dare speak. And if I interrupt him now, Kyler may get out of the shower, and I will never hear the words he needs to tell me. He walks over and stands in front of me extending his arms so both hands are gripping my shoulder blades.

  “Haley, I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you when we were kids. I waited until high school to make a move. My only regret I have is not making you mine sooner. I am sorry for what happened to your dad, and I’m even more sorry for what he did to you and your family, but I thank God every single damn day that I was there to hold you and help you through it.” His fingers grip me firmer. “The moment you ran, my world came crashing down. I wasn’t stupid. I knew what you were doing behind my back, but if it meant keeping you as part of my life, I knew I could deal with it. But when you ran this time, you didn’t just take yourself, Hale. You ripped my heart out and took it too.” He stops to look into my eyes, and for a moment I feel like he might kiss me again. Instead he shakes his head, stepping away from me. I don’t know why, but I wish he would kiss me again. I want to help ease his pain, but I know it will only cause more damage. I love Kyler, and although Jude will always hold a piece of my heart, Kyler’s hands are where it belongs now.

  “Listen to me, please,” I beg. “I know what I did was wrong. Don’t you think I know I hurt you and your family by running? I didn’t know what to do Jude. My family was dead. Gone. They’re never coming back. I couldn’t stay in that town. It was killing me…slowly. The only choice I had left was deciding where to go. I remember you coming to spend summers with your aunt and uncle in Alabama, so I wound up here,” I say as I motion around the room. “I loved you so much. You weren’t just my boyfriend and lover, but you were also my best friend, and I can’t lose that now. I have already lost too much. I know it’s asking a lot and I can’t make you stay, but please don’t run away from me too.” I know I am being selfish. He doesn’t say anything, but he stops putting clothes in his bag which is a good sign.

  “Whatever it takes to keep you in my life, I’ll do it. I’m sorry I kissed you back in the alley. It was wrong of me to lead you on, but bad habits die hard, and I couldn’t resist. I guess I wanted to feel like we were still kids and didn’t have all of these issues surrounding us. So I closed my eyes and let you take me there. It was wrong of me to put you in that situation, but if you stay, I swear I won’t do it again. I will even keep my distance. Maybe you’ll meet someone,” I exhale shakily finishing my rant as Kyler pounds on Jude’s locked door.

  “I really did a number on your eye,” Kyler says with a smirk on his face as I open the bedroom door and he sees Jude.

  “Seriously Ky, cut it out!” I yell. Jude doesn’t say anything to either of us. Instead he slowly takes his clothes out of his bag and sets them on his bed. I am doing a happy dance in my head, scared to do the real thing and piss off Kyler.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Kyler asks Jude in an aggravated tone.

  “What’s it look like cuz?” he asks matching Kyler’s tone. Oh no, I hope World War III doesn’t break out. “I’ve just spent a good amount of time talking to my best friend, and I’ve decided to stay in town and in the frat,” Jude says while folding his T-shirts and turning to place them neatly in their drawers.

  “Oh yeah?
And how did our little angel convince you of that?” I know he isn’t asking me directly, but I feel a sudden sense of guilt wash over me. I slowly bring my shoulders up as I make my smile widen and then lower them again trying to look innocent without having to beg for forgiveness in my own defense.

  “She asked me to,” Jude says in answer to Kyler’s question. I can see Kyler’s face redden. I know I will have to deal with him later, but right now I feel like I just won the lottery knowing I haven’t pushed Jude away completely.

  Jude continues to put his clothes back where they belong as Kyler stands there watching, infuriated. I am half-tempted to drag them both to the gym and let them take out their frustrations and jealously on each other in the boxing ring, but I know it may do more harm than good, so I quickly nix that idea. Instead, I walk over to Jude and plant a small kiss on his cheek. It is a small gesture, but I know he will understand the meaning. We can work through whatever we have to as long as both of us try and neither one of us runs. Obviously, I’m glad I didn’t take my own advice before because I would have never have met Kyler. He is the upside to this whole sticky situation. I walk over to my fiancé and start kissing the lips I love so much. Jude clears this throat; I am sure he feels uncomfortable, but it is my fault that lines were crossed, and he needs to know exactly where my heart and soul belong. I feel Kyler’s hand give my rear a quick pinch, and I know he welcomes my gesture too.

  Kyler and I walk out of Jude’s room leaving him to rearrange his stuff. I know it will take some time to rebuild the trust that has been lost between Kyler and me, but there is nothing I want more in this world than to be his wife. We make it to his door, he opens it, and gestures me in politely. “Kyler,” I say as I turn around to face with him. “I am so sorry baby. I will do anything to make this up to you,” I extend my hand to brush his cheek. If it were as easy to erase today in one quick glide of my hand, I would do it.