The Upside of Letting Go

by Nacole Stayton

  “I love you,” I whisper while pressed against his chest, my hands outlining his tattoo below my face. I remember one day I asked him about them. He said after his parents died, he and Riley wanted to somehow have a piece of them on them forever, so they went and got matching tattoos. On his left pec are the words I love you written two times, one horizontal and one vertical, forming the outline of a cross. He explained that he and Riley had cards saved that both parents had signed saying I love you. While he had his placed on his chest, close to his heart, Riley had hers placed on her wrist…the same wrist that was sliced open when he found her lifeless body. The thought is even more disturbing having spent the evening in her room.

  After we take time exploring each other’s bodies in the shower, we lie in bed cuddling in each other’s arms. “Kyler?” I ask while propping my head on my hands. He turns his face to look at me. “Why would Jude sound surprised we were near SaddyMcGee?” He presses his lips together before inhaling deeply.

  “Because it’s Riley’s horse.”

  “I don’t understand. I mean, I think it’s great Roy kept her, but why should we be afraid of the mare just because it belonged to her?”

  “Because of what happened to Trent. That’s why we should be fearful,” he says vaguely, not mentioning any details. I sit up and walk over to a chair that has my clothes draped over it and start to get dressed.

  “Wait,” Kyler says while sitting up in bed and leaning against his headboard. “SaddyMcGee was an amazing pony. When Riley was younger, she and my dad used to show her, but once Riley died, I think a part of Saddy died too. I know it doesn’t make sense since she is just a horse, but afterwards she wouldn’t let anyone ride her. Roy can’t even sell her, and trust me, he has tried. No one wants an out-of- control horse,” he finishes as I walk back over and sit next to him on the bed.

  “She didn’t seem scared or nervous when I was in her stall.” I shrug my shoulders.

  “I know, and that scares me too,” he says while grabbing me and pulling me on top of him. We make love a second time, submersing ourselves in each other’s souls while tangled in the sheets.

  The winter semester just started, so Kyler and I are trying to get back into the swing of things. Trent came home from the hospital and is doing well. His ribs are almost healed, although the doctor said he would need at least nine weeks to make a total recovery. Kyler has been visiting more and working around the farm on the weekends to help out Roy until Trent is back on his feet. It kind of works out perfectly because it gives him and Jude some time apart. Things haven’t been the same on the home front since Kyler beat the shit out of him. I don’t blame either of them since I blame myself. I have been trying to keep my distance from Jude. I don’t want my mixed feelings to get in the way of my relationship with Kyler ever again. I still want to be Jude’s friend, hell, he has been in my life since before I could ride a bicycle. But I understand that this love triangle I have formed isn’t healthy for anyone.

  “Hey, wanna go to the mall?” Lucy asks as she walks out of the bathroom. I don’t say anything, instead continuing to stare at the book I am reading. “Hey you!” she says while holding out a hanger in front of her, using it to poke me in the side from a distance. I burst out into laughter.

  “Yeah, yeah, I heard ya. I’ll go,” I reluctantly say. We get ready and walk to Kevin’s to borrow his car.

  “Treat her like the princess she is,” Kevin says to Lucy as she buckles her seatbelt in the driver’s seat.

  We exchange a look, and under her breath I hear Lucy mumble, “Seriously?”

  Luckily the trip is short because, unlike my talented fiancé, I am the world’s worst singer, but we don’t care as we both belt out tunes at the tops of our lungs. We walk arm in arm around a few stores as Lucy stocks up on perfumes and lotions from her favorite stores. While walking to the check out, I notice Catie from the corner of my eye opening a dressing room for a lady. “Catie!” I holler across the store. I drag Lucy over to where she is now standing, folding shirts on a display. I look down to see the shirts are already neatly folded and wonder why she is acting so strange.

  “Hey, small world,” I say to break the silence. Lucy looks lost. I’ll have to remember to fill her in on our eventful Thanksgiving she missed while in Aspen.

  “Yeah, I guess so,” Catie says back with an attitude.

  “Is something wrong?” I am unable to hide my curiosity for her weird behavior towards me.

  “You know what, since you’re here,” she pauses then continues, “at my work…yes, something is wrong. But I am sure you already know that since Jude is like your freaking prince charming riding in to save you at all cost.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Don’t play dumb, Haley. You know he loves you, and until you finally let go of him, you’re always going to have some kind of pull on his heart. You’re like the freaking puppet master, controlling him. I thought he said he was over you but obviously not,” she huffs while folding the same shirt over and over.

  “Catie, I’m really sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I say trying to defuse the situation.

  “I can’t really talk about this right now.” She walks over to the counter and grabs a small piece of paper. “Here is my number. I go to lunch in about an hour. If you want to stick around, we can talk. Just text me, and tell me where you are.” I look at Lucy. She nods her head in acceptance. I guess we are waiting around to see what Catie has to say.

  We walk around aimlessly for the next hour. I pull out the white piece of paper and type in Catie’s number. She texts me back within a few seconds and tells me to meet her in the food court. Lucy and I grab a cookie and a drink before sitting down to wait. We see Catie turning the corner and wave her over to our table.

  “Hey,” she says as she pulls out an empty chair and sits down.

  “Hey,” Lucy and I both say in unison. “So what’s up?” I ask ready to get this party started.

  “I don’t know,” Catie says while shaking her head. She seems really upset, and I can’t imagine why. The last I heard, her and Jude’s relationship was doing great. “I really don’t know. It’s only been a week since Thanksgiving, and I have been trying hard not to be pushy or clingy. I don’t call or text him first. I am following all the rules, but he seems so distant. Finally, yesterday I asked him what his problem was after we had sex.” I cringe at her admission. “He told me nothing, so I got up and left.” She starts spinning her cell phone around on the table over and over. “Then I get a text in the middle of the night. A freaking text message basically dumping me,” she says as she is now scrolling through her phone. She stops and slides it over to me. The screen is lit up, and there is a message from Jude. I pick it up and read it.

  I don’t mean to be a dick but I’m really not feeling this. Sorry.

  “Seriously?” I say as I slide the phone back to her.

  “That was my reaction too, so get this. This morning when the mall opened, I saw him leaning up against the wall talking to some girl who works in one of those jewelry stores. He has the nerve to fuck me and then come gallivanting around the mall where he knows I work, picking up other chicks. He is unreal.” I kick Lucy under the table because this whole situation is messed up, and I want to make sure we’re on the same page. She quickly sticks her tongue out at me while Catie bends down and grabs a piece of gum out of her purse.

  “I understand why you’re upset, but I don’t understand how it has anything to do with me,” I say bluntly because honestly I have no freaking clue.

  “You have to do with the whole situation Haley!” I look at her, urging her to continue, because I’m still lost. “I saw the way he looked at you at Thanksgiving. Then every time Kyler kissed you or grabbed your ass when he thought no one was looking, Jude would physically flinch. I was watching him watching you,” she says as her voice lowers, allowing her sadness to show.

  “Look, I have to get back to work. Sorry to lay my heartbreak on you.
I know you personally didn’t have anything to do with it, but you might want to talk to him and figure things out. I know how I feel after a week. I can’t imagine how Kyler would feel after spending the last year together and then breaking up because of this bond you and Jude share can’t be broken.” She tilts her head as her shoulders shrug before walking away, leaving me breathless by her omissions. I look at Lucy, who is shaking her finger at me as if to say I told ya so.

  When we get back to dorm, Kyler calls to tell me he is going to stay the night at the farm because the weather is supposed to get bad tonight, and he doesn’t want to get caught in it. We say our goodnights and hang up. From the temperature reading on my phone it says it is twenty-four degrees outside, but I have some business to take care of, so I bundle up and head out the door, straight to the frat house to find Jude. When I get there, his bedroom door is locked, but I can hear him inside, and he isn’t alone. I don’t want to be rude, but we need to talk, now. I stand in the hallway banging on his door until he finally gets up and answers it. He is wearing only a sheet around his waist, and I can tell by the look on his face he knows he’s been caught red-handed.

  “Hale.” He steps in the hallway and shuts the door so I can’t see inside. The thought of him being with someone isn’t affecting me right now like it did this morning, probably because I know what I’m here to do.

  “Tell her to leave Jude,” I say while holding my hand on my hip. He doesn’t want to mess with me right now, and he knows it. He opens the door, walks in, and shuts the door in my face. I hear some commotion, the door opens, and a redheaded girl exits, huffing when she notices me standing in the darkness. I walk inside and shut the door behind me. It smells like vanilla. I crinkle my nose and don’t dare ask why. Jude is putting on a pair of green and gray flannel pajama bottoms and motions for me to sit down. Really?

  “You expect me to sit on that?” I ask pointing to the bed with a disgusted look on my face.

  “I guess you can sit on the floor.” He leans against his dresser waiting on me to decide. I start to bend my legs and find a comfortable position on the floor.

  He follows my lead and sits down in front of me. “So to what do I owe this pleasure?” I want to tell him to stop acting like a jerk, but I’ve been here. I know what he is doing because I’ve been down this road of masking my pain with men and sex while pushing away the people I love the most.

  “What happened with Catie?”

  “Nothing happened, which is why I called it quits,” he snaps.

  “Stop being a dick and be honest with me.” I grab his hand from the floor and take it in mine. He looks the other way breaking our eye contact. I reach up and grab the side of his face and turn it back around to face mine. He sighs under my touch as a tear falls from his face. His raw emotion stuns me at first, but crying is part of the healing process. I hope to help heal his heart the way Kyler helped heal mine.

  “You think I wanted to hurt her? Or whatever the hell that chick’s name was just now? You think that’s the kind of man I am? The kind of man I was raised to be?” he asked with a stern voice, trying to hide his sadness.

  “No, I know that’s not the kind of man you are. That is why I am so upset with your actions. You aren’t just hurting those girls; you’re hurting me too,” I say while wiping away my own tears. All of the jealously, hurt, and pain between us is being poured out of our hearts in this moment. I am happy to finally have everything on the table but sad because I know at the end of this conversation the Jude I once loved will be gone and replaced with the stranger he is becoming.

  “Whatever this is,” I gesture between our bodies, “needs to end tonight. I can’t keep fighting these feelings. I’m either going to hurt you or Kyler in the process, and I’ll be hurt no matter what,” I say as I sit up on my knees so I can be tall enough to look him in the eyes as I talk. “Jude, I love you. I have loved you since I was five years old. You were my rock and helped me through a very difficult time in my life. But when I left Jersey, I left that girl there. She died, and she isn’t coming back. I finally let my guard down, and trust me, it took Kyler more than a chisel to break through that wall, but he never gave up. He conquered it with a smile on his face, and I love him for it. Not only is he my boyfriend but he became my best friend. We have this bond that I can’t explain.” I can tell I am only causing him more pain by pouring out my heart about Kyler. “I will always love you, and you will hold a place in my heart until the day I die, but I cannot keep doing this to you, Kyler, or myself…” Jude holds his hand up to my mouth cutting me off mid-sentence.

  “I know, okay? Yet again, I am losing you, and it is killing me. Twice now you have left my heart bruised, beaten, and scarred. Do you think that when I told your lawyer I would deliver those papers, I would find you in bed with my cousin? Out of all the people in the world, you were in his arms. I was so pissed that morning I could have killed him. I can see your emotions flipping back and forth. I’m sure he can too. I know it’s wrong, but when you saw Catie, I knew you were jealous, and I loved every minute of it,” he says with a smirk on his face. “I know we can’t keep doing this, and I know we will never be the same carefree, loving kids we were because way too much shit has happened. I can’t promise anything, but I know for both of our sakes we need to stop whatever this is. I agree it’s not good, and as much as I wish, I know it’s not going anywhere,” he says in defeat.

  For once I feel like we have closure. I know it will take time and hopefully we can continue to be friends, but I feel like we both needed to sit down and pour ourselves out to one another to truly find the acceptance that what we once had is now in the past. I can’t help having these feelings, but I know moving forward into the future, one I see with Kyler, I have to either ignore them or face them. Choosing to face them head-on means accepting them, but it also means I can finally face the facts. Jude and I will never be a couple again, and while a portion of my heart will always belong to him, the love we shared will always be a distant memory. Knowing how he feels, as well as his acceptance, just reaffirms that we are making the right decision to let go of each other once and for all.

  Jude grabs me and hugs me for a long time. When we finally break apart, he has a glimmer in his eyes that has been missing since he first showed up. “Just because we’re moving on doesn’t mean you need to be hooking up with a million girls,” I say while nudging him in his side.

  “Oh Lord, Hale, already you’re setting rules,” he jokes.

  “No, I just don’t want you to end up with an STD. Nursing school, remember?” I tap my forehead. “I’ve seen firsthand what random sex can do.” He looks at me like I am a judgmental freak. “Not that I am one to pass judgment.”

  We say our goodbyes and hug each other one last time before I leave and make my way back to my dorm. I feel like we accomplished a lot and feel better about the entire situation. Kyler, on the other hand, might not be so thrilled that I was hanging out in Jude’s room alone all night, but what he doesn’t know, won’t kill him. After all, he owns me, my body, and my heart. He should be happy about that. Lucy is already sleeping when I get back, so I put on my headphones and fall asleep listening to Kyler’s voice over and over on a mixed tape he made me. He is talented in more ways than one. I smile knowing he is mine.

  We finally have an appropriate opportunity to announce our engagement at Christmas dinner. Roy was happy for us. Knowing he is a man of less is more in the word department helped me feel more optimistic about his reaction. “Yup, we’ll plan ourselves a wedding,” he says while sitting in his rocker sipping on a glass of iced tea. Even in the dead of winter southerners love their tea.

  Christmas came and went along with all anguish between Kyler, Jude, and myself. I think we are finally settling into a comfortable territory. I started my internship at the hospital. While I miss spending all of my time with either Kyler or Lucy, I know this is good experience for me and my career. Who knows, we might even decide to settle down and make roots here.
If that’s the case, it will be good as I will already have my foot in the door at the hospital.

  “Excuse me, but can you help me with Mr. Township?” I hear a female voice from behind me ask. I turn around to see one of the LPNs who works with me on the floor. Her name is Emily. She has long blonde hair and tan skin. I have run into her a few times, but she normally works the night shift, so we haven’t really talked about anything other than patients.

  “Yeah, of course. What do you need?”

  “He needs his catheter removed, but umm, he is a rather large man, and I may need a second pair of hands,” she says while handing me a pair of sterile gloves. We spend the next hour taking care of Mr. Township.

  “Whew,” we both say as we’re leaving the room.

  “I didn’t know it would be that difficult. All the excess skin. Gah,” I say as a shiver runs down my spine in pure disgust.

  “Yeah, see why I needed help?” Emily giggles as we make our way to the nurses’ station in the center of the hallway.

  “By the way, I’m Haley.” I extend my hand to hers. She grabs it and shakes it. “I don’t think we have really ever been introduced before,” I say with a smile.

  Kyler is meeting me for lunch in between his classes. We meet in the park across from the hospital. He doesn’t really like hospitals, especially after spending a week here with Trent, so the park is a nice change of scenery. “Hey baby,” he says as I walk up to the picnic table he is sitting on top of.

  “Hey.” I climb on top of the bench to sit next to him. He hands me a homemade turkey sandwich wrapped in foil, but the thought of eating right now makes me want to puke.

  “What’s wrong, babe? You look like you don’t feel good.”

  “I don’t,” I say with a disgusted look on my face. He laughs.

  “Okay, what gross patient story do you have for me today?” He sounds like a child waiting to hear the gory details. I tell him about the patient, making sure to leave out all the important details like name and so forth, but savor the juicy ones he is eager to hear. We sit together for about thirty minutes before my stomach calms down, and I can finally eat my sandwich.